Who I am

Do you know who I am? I was hoping someone could tell me? Really though this is something that has weighed on my mind heavily these past few months. No one will ever know what I have been through, and I don't think that is really all that important. But sometimes it is lonely. My whole life I have felt alone. When I was so very young I knew that the things that were happening to me weren't right. My whole childhood I knew most of it was not right. I knew that there was a better way. I know that the Lord gave me the gift of perseverance, of hope and of faith. He gave me a strong unwavering testimony very young. And so I did it. I persevered. I made it. I have been healed from the those awful scars. He has removed the mental illnesses that kept me from being able to me completely. And now here I am all alone with me. Surviving, pushing, trying, changing, reaching, hoping; it is was marathon. An emotional marathon. You can't stop to take a breather. You have to dig past the part that is screaming at you to quit already. You can't look back because you may trip or fall. And you can't look down either to see where you are because you could lose your balance. You have to push on.

Last January I decided I wanted to run half marathon. I started jogging. I got shin splints. I rested and started again. But the shin splints came back, worse this time. I felt frustrated. I prayed and asked to know what to do. I really wanted to race. I wanted to run. Not to long after we went to see a documentary on marathoning. As I sat and watched I was overcome with the spirit. I felt the Lord gently whisper to me, "You have already run your marathon. You actually ran two." I cried. I knew what the Lord was talking about. My healings. Going through life prior to each of them was very much like a marathon. I then felt the Lord say "you have crossed your finish line. It is time to stop running." The tears flowed. I have been "running" my whole life. I didn't know how to not "run". I knew the Lord was asking me to live. To live right now. This wave of relief and panic came over me. Relief because I felt validated. Panic because I had no idea how to live.

I started praying about my feelings that night. The insights that have come have been incredible. The Lord asked me to give up a lot though. He asked me to forgo my idealistic thoughts of how my house should look, what kind of schedule I should keep, to let go of temporal perfection. He has asked me to think about my children and my husband more, and not just think about them but internalize them, to connect to them spirit to spirit. In May Ray lost his job and for a time I was distracted with once again surviving.

When I go for my walks I pray. Sometimes I am not paying attention and I start talking out loud. During the month of June my prayers were about Raym and the things he (and I) were going through. How do I support him? How do I love him? Help me to know how to handle all of this. The Lord told me I had a monumental choice. He said I had two choices actually. I could be bitter. I could be prideful. I could continue down my road of survival. Or I could chose a higher road. I could change with Ray. Not only could I forgive him, support him and love him, but I could look with in myself and find those things that were prideful inside of me and overcome them. Somewhere along my journey in life I made a decision that I did not ever want to be a reason that another person was held back, primarily my immediate family. I did want to be a stumbling block for another. I told the Lord I would do it. I wanted to know what I needed to change.

I warn you that if you want the Lord to tell you what you are prideful about, be prepared. It is a hard thing when the Lord allows you to see yourself. But it is also a beautiful experience.

I am selfish. Not the the blatant annoying selfish, but the subtle probably undetectable selfish. I actually didn't realize it until one night praying and the Lord brought a situation so clearly to my mind. I was shocked. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. But even with those sad emotions I knew that the Lord could help me change. He could help take the ME out my life. I think a hard lesson in life to learn is that we aren't as 'important' as we think we are. Divine, yes. If you have ever had a "nothingness" experience, I think you will understand what I am saying. It isn't us that is important, it is our actions, our desires and our thoughts. It is what we do with ourselves that is so important. So often in my scripture study I am brought to verses about forgetting oneself and serving others, or losing oneself to find oneself. I want my day to be less about what I am getting done, and more about what I am doing for others. I want my motivations to be selfless. When I think of folding laundry in the light that I am doing it for my family so that they can have clean clothes etc, I actually enjoy it more. When I approach meal time with the thought of the empty stomachs I am about to feed there is a satisfaction and a calm motivation that follows. I have to remember to forget myself. I have to work at considering the thoughts or concerns of my husband and children, but I am loving it. It is definitely having a beautiful domino affect on our lives.

I am guarded. Ray's sister Abbi got married a week or so ago. There was this happiness there I could not relate too. Abbi is the poster girl for innocence, which is not a bad thing. Innocence I never knew. There were some conversations that I was not excluded from but I felt emotionaly lost from. I knew about sex before I was five. I was the victim of child pornography, and sexual abuse. No one at school told me anything I didn't know. So that giddiness and nervous about what to do that first night. The worries, or the excitement of living with someone. It was all so unfamiliar. I have been healed from the scars, the darkness, all the awful things that comes from abuse. But the healing didn't give me innocence. I longed for it. I sat in a room and wept to my Heavenly Father. Didn't he know I would have lived differently if I knew then what I know now? As I wept I felt his arms around me. He told me that before I came here to this earth, that I knowingly gave that up. That I had 'sacrificed' that knowing the Lord would compensate. But he also told me that I could ever feel innocent again. I pondered on that for some time. When I had the courage to breech the subject again, the Lord asked me to change something I wasn't even aware I was doing. I rely on the Lord, but I leave no room for anyone else. I have a great wall of China around my heart. I love. I love my husband. I love my children. But I realized in that moment I don't let anyone love me. If you ever have been hurt you know this great wall I am speaking of. The Lord asked me to take it down, all of it and to trust again. In that same moment I asked him who would catch me? what if someone hurt me again? what if they don't keep their promises? I can't tell you the exposure, the vulnerability I felt in that moment. I didn't know if I could handle really trusting again. Giving my emotions away only to have them returned used and damaged. I cried that night. I cried all day the next day. My Bishop stopped by that evening. I had talked to him earlier that day, and he said he already knew that he needed to talk to me. I shared with him my thoughts and what the Lord had told me. In those moments we talked I KNEW he was inspired. I know the counsel I received from him was from the Lord. I know that the Lord knows this is hard for me, but I know why he needs me to do it. In my quest to become more vulnerable, and to trust is where I will find my long sought after innocence. This softness I have wanted. As my bishop put it, as I become more vulnerable I can tare away those pieces of me that became crusty and weathered from surviving. I don't want to be rough around the edges, or rough anywhere. I want to be soft. I want to be gentle. Yes I will be hurt again. But never again as before. Life is painful but for me it will never again be excruciating.

I don't know who I am. Really. For so long my "marathon's" defined me. I was a survivor. The Lord has told me to leave that identity behind. He has asked me; what are my dreams? where do I want to go in life? what do I want my legacy to be? I am trying to figure that out. Now don't get me wrong. My favorite color is green. My fav flower is a daisy, and my FAVORITE place is TEXAS!!! But outside of the IM profile I am not sure. I look forward to no longer surviving. It is scary to let go of a wall that protects me, or so I think it does at least :) But I know that if I trust in the Lord and do what he asks, no matter the emotional/spiritual pain, and give up the things he has asked, he can make something of my life that is beyond my dreams.

I love life. I love what the Lord has made of my life so far. I don't think many from childhood or teenage years, well or my early adult years, would recognize me now. I know the Lord as always been mindful of me and he will continue to be. I know that in order to grow, my soil has to be tilled. There are so many weeds that need to be pulled, and some bad roots that need to be removed. I will grow stronger though. I will be fuller and richer. My colors will be brighter. I love this gospel. I love that we have to work at life. I love that all trials are opportunity. I love that Lord humbles us to improve us.

I know my Savior lives. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that all my prayers are heard and answered. I know that I can go to the Lord about EVERYTHING. I know that there is power and strength gained from daily scripture study. I know in my life there is a purpose.

The many uses of an exersaucer

If they don't want to use right side up, just turn it over and you have yourself a brand new toy.

She was waving Raym over to play. It was really cute.

Lunch is served

Ray gets to have lunch with me almost daily. And cooking is one of my favorite things to do. This is my favorite meal to make and eat. It is very simple but it smells good, taste good, and feels good goin' down.

Fall is official

Last spring we purchased season tickets to the BYU football games. We went to our first game on Saturday. Unfortunately we were having so much fun that I didn't take any pictures. We bought three tickets so each game we can bring one of the older girls. Aspen came this time. She really liked the idea of getting treats, the game was a little hard to follow :) She loved the cheering and the music. She loved the Cougarettes and Cosmos. At one point when a player was down she started to cry b/c she thought he was dead. The last half hour was really tough on her, but she was triumphant in the end as were the Cougars. I look forward to more games and more memories. I love football. I love the crisp air, which actually wasn't on Saturday. (it was really hot!!)I don't know much about football but I know enough to know when to cheer and when to gasp in dismay. I wanted to wear a hat but the only one I had was my Texas Longhorns hat. You can be loyal to two can't you? I did run into a couple of guys wearing their UT shirts though. All in all a great day! Can't wait to do it again!!!

Another wedding

So there was another wedding. Ray's sister Abbi got married August 22. We got together for family pics the day before. Our family pictures are on another camera, as are Steph (Ray's sister) and Craig's. But I am posting some of the other family pics. The official family pic is on the other camera as well. It was fun to be with family for the week. We went down to Lehi and stayed at Ray's grandparent's for a few days. Jes the youngest of the group is starting her freshman year at BYU. And Rach and Michael have just moved here from TN. Michael will be getting his master's from BYU. Jake and Heidi have just moved from Provo to live in TN where Jake is teaching biology at Fairview Junior High. I love this family b/c there is always something exciting happening, something fun to look forward too.

Jes with Mom and Dad Griffin

Rach and Michael with their girls Khallilia (4) Revekahlei (2) and Sunshine (6 months)

Seth and Katie with their bunch Olivia (5 in October) Reis (3 in October) and Seth (1 in September)





Jake and Heidi; Gracie (2 in November) and Elle (hatched on June 6 2008)



The Newlyweds Ray and Abigail Willardson

The Grankids with The Grandparents

A funny family

Alexa

I just love this kid.

My kids

The Funk's

My sister got married July 19th. I don't really have any pictures b/c my Dad and her friend were the photographers so I didn't really take any, and really I don't remember having my camera. I think Raym did. I love the look on Wayne's face in this picture. My kids looked so cute. It was fun fixin' up the girls hair. That day it was 100 degrees and we all felt it. But the day went pretty well and the bride and groom now reside in Orlando!

So Funny

I found this link on a friends blog....so funny!!!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/ellen-gladys-hardy-p1.php?emf

Thoughts

Wow where do I begin? If you know me very well you know that my life is ever "evolving". In May my life changed once again. My husband lost his job. There is so much more that goes into it, but suffice to say that while it was hard I knew that it was a chance for us to "start over" again. I came into this marriage very much broken and badly bruised. The Lord healed me not once but twice. My husband stood by me through that time. It was hard for him, but he never left me. And not only did he not leave but he supported me, with all the nightmares, the therapy, the endless hours of crying and confusion. He never put me down, never said one negative remark to me about anything that I endured or how I handled it. During the past couple of years the Lord would often tell me that there would come a hard time for Raym, and he asked if I would stand by him. Of course. Well the hard time came, and it has been really hard. But I did as I promised. My husband had developed some not so great coping skills while helping me through my trials. I didn't even know they existed, but all the cards are on the table and we are organizing and going through them TOGETHER. If our marriage made it through me, we can so make it through some not so great coping skills. We have grown so much together these past couple of months. My marriage is becoming so rooted, so deep. I have gained such a testimony of what it is to mourn with those that mourn. I love my husband so much, I am so grateful for his humility for his willingness to hear and his willingness to try to change.



We have a new job now. He is a sales consultant for Home Depot. It is a commissioned job, not one we would have ever thought we would have. We prayed though and the Lord told us it was right. We don't have to move which really is such a great blessing. I wish I could describe what my heart sees. I know that the Lord will take these "not so great things" and turn them around and make them a blessing unto us. My husband stood beside me through things that I know not many men could have endured, and I know that Lord knows it. I see the light of the Lord in my husbands eyes in a way that encourages and uplifts me.



I have a testimony of growth and change. The Lord does not condemn us. We do that enough on a daily basis. It isn't about being perfect it is about growing, reaching and trying. We are mortal so we will not be "perfect". But we can perfect our desires, our thoughts, and with time our actions. This life is about the moments, and what we take away from those moments. We have an opportunity to take something momentary and make it eternal. I am thankful for a perfectly patient Heavenly Father and my Savior who made it possible for change.

Red Butte Gardens

We went to Red Butte Gardens last month. These are not all the pics I wanted to post but each of these pics took 5 plus minutes each....so I will post the story and the rest of the pics tomorrow...

More from Aspen

One rainy day we were running lots of errands. Our last errand was Wal-Mart so we were in there a while. When we came out the sun was peaking out of the clouds and it was no longer raining. Aspen so very casualy says, "well I guess the itsy bitsy spider is coming out again"...I totally cracked up. I love that girl!!!!