Utah State Fair

Yesterday we went to the Utah State Fair. We got in for $2 with this huge group of other homeschoolers! It has been a while since I have been to a fair so it was fun to be there with the kids and see their reactions. Ray's sister Steph was there with her husband and their 4 girls, and Rach came with her 3 girls. Next time we do something together though we are thinking we will have all the kids wear a similar color, 11 kids is tricky to keep up with!

There is this 'thing', for lack of a better word, called "Little Hands on the Farm". The kids walk through and learn about life on a farm. The kids really enjoyed it.

They got to milk a cow

...plant some 'seeds'

get eggs from some chickens

and some pictures I didn't post were of them riding john deere trikes, feeding a cow, picking some veggies from the garden, getting wool from a sheep, and then trading in all that they had picked or harvested for money and buying a treat.

Then we headed to look at the animals. Aspen has been telling me everyday how she wants to have a farm. So this fair just added fuel to the dream.

This chicken...yes it is a chicken...a very FLUFFY chicken...was my favorite!!!

LOVE!!!! This bunny...they were selling for pocket change.... $100 :)

at the end of the day we splurged for all you can eat ice cream from the dairy farmers of Utah...you can't eat as much as you think...but what we could eat was delicious!!!!!!!!!!

just a cute picture of these fire cracker cousins

Last Swim?

Last day of swimming? Yesterday was warm and grand so we filled up the pool for quite possibly maybe who knows could be the last time...

My charlie's angel

it was at this point that I look over and baby Ray has flooded my flower boxes and the little bitty just barely growing flowers which we just recently planted for a school project are floating away. I think we might have saved them though, for those of you who are greatly concerned I will keep posted!

More family pics

Here we are!!!

My little man!

More of the family!

to see the rest of the family pics click here

How did they know?

I found this on another blog...tried and was pleasantly surprised at how well they (whoever they are) knew me :)

What Andraé Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

try it!!!

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

The will power of a 3 year old

I woke up inspired, motivated and ready to make this a potty training day. We started sharp at 8AM. I sat him down in front of a movie, with some liquid and waited. I cleaned the kitchen, read, helped the girls with school. He went in the chair, but not the big one or should I say the big #2. It was weird though, he would go and the only reason I would know was because the toilet would sing. Yes, I said the toilet would sing. You gotta love it :) But he wouldn't even know he went, and that was even when the movie was off and we were just hangin out. He saved the best part for when we were at the park waiting for Alora to be done with music class. He announced his action to me from afar with no remorse or recognition of where it actually should have happened. I was defeated in that moment. He doesn't care. If you ask him where do you go to bathroom he says, "my biaper". I am really at a lose. The girls wanted to go, relatively that is. They could tell me when they needed to go. What I am to do? Do I truly WAIT until it is his idea? My crazy fear is that he will be 4 and still in diapers. We have a ten months until then...but still?!?!?!? AGGGHHHH!!!!

All by herself

My kids are independent. I am not sure where they get it from. This past few days Alexa has been refusing to eat. She will eat her fruit I cut up, or cheese...any finger food really. But if we attempt to feed something not so finger friendly she would boycott. I thought after a few days she would give in. I misjudged her level of persistence.

The other day I came downstairs and found her on my kitchen table eating out of some one's bowl of beans from lunch. Before I even reached for her she squawked. Truly she squawks, she doesn't cry. I was told once she sounds similar to a crow....how kind :) I sat her on the floor to clean up, she commenced to throwing a fit with limbs flying and her body thrusting itself to the floor. I wondered if maybe all this was because she actually wanted to continue consuming the leftovers. I put her in the high chair, gave her the bib. There is still a lot of squawking happening by the way. And then I gave her a spoon and the bowl. Silence, and a smile. She was satisfied. She actually did pretty good with the spoon. It was a messy time, but she was just so happy.

A bean got loose.

It would often take a second or twenty to get the food on the spoon, and then inevitably something would leap from the spoon on to the tray where it would later be smashed beyond recognition.

This girl is good!

Happy baby, Happy Mommy, dirty high chair...life is good...

A good day

Last night after I wrote my blog entry I felt exhausted. I felt like I had let this huge boulder off my chest. I actually cried off and on. For no reason particular, maybe it was a letting go cry. As I reread what I wrote this morning, I felt peaceful. Writing has always been a release for me. I have kept a current journal since I was ten. I threw all my journals from that time until I was married away when I was pregnant with Aspen. It was a purging of sorts. I went through my journal box and was rereading what I had written. It was sad. I didn't want my kids to "see" that part of me.

Something interesting about myself I am learning. Actually I think I have always known it but couldn't accept it. I can't be something I am not. For example. I felt guilty this summer b/c so many of the things we did I didn't post about. I was going through some hard things with Raym, and I couldn't pretend that I was happy. I could probably fake it a little better over the phone, but when I am writing, that opens up these truth flood gates that just won't stop. So I am embracing it. And the child screaming at me from her upstairs bedroom.

Today was a good day. I woke up with a "oh my gosh, I just opened my soul to the world" exposed feeling. Ray said what I wrote was intense. I apologize if it was. I felt like I was hiding behind my thoughts. I didn't want to anymore. I was reading this ladies blog who, of course I found through someone else's blog , and she had opened her blog to public. I asked myself why mine was private. It was the vulnerability thing. I was afraid that someone wouldn't like what they read, and that I couldn't live up to "their" expectations of what a blog could be. I felt so strongly to write after those thoughts, to tell and to share. So I did. I let it flow. And it flowed for a while :) But I realized something as I was writing and as my day went on and as I write now. For me to learn about who I am, I can't put any expectations on it. I have to let myself be me, and love every part of it. I think loving every part of myself will help me better love others and all their emotional parts. It will help me to really love them.

So back to the good day. Ray and I have been working out together in the mornings. We take the kids to the park down the street and while they play at the park we work out on the soccer field. We have our own version of boot camp. We run lines a couple of different ways. We do agility drills with and without the soccer ball. We use resistance bands. We do lunges and we do abs. It has been fun, hard, but fun. This morning before our work, we ran for nine minutes together. A consistent nine minutes, HUGE for us :) Then we headed to DI for some shopping. I am not a thrift store gal. I like to walk in, namely Target, get what I want walk out. My kids clothes are pretty basic. I am not a shopper! It took longer than I would have liked, but the girls are happy and baby Ray found a bumblebee shirt he will now wear until it becomes his new skin. Then we headed to grab some groceries, which is yet another humbling experience because it is a courtesy of the church. The first time I was in there I could feel the spirit so strong. I knew the Lord didn't want me to be embarrassed about being in there b/c it was established for one of the vary reasons I was there. We are broke! Luckily we had school this morning before the work out, and the kids took naps in the car while we ran errands.

As I write though I feel so good inside. I don't think every post will be a mile long, but who knows with the way my mind works. I will take it though. I will take my life and have fun with it because it is mine.

Who I am

Do you know who I am? I was hoping someone could tell me? Really though this is something that has weighed on my mind heavily these past few months. No one will ever know what I have been through, and I don't think that is really all that important. But sometimes it is lonely. My whole life I have felt alone. When I was so very young I knew that the things that were happening to me weren't right. My whole childhood I knew most of it was not right. I knew that there was a better way. I know that the Lord gave me the gift of perseverance, of hope and of faith. He gave me a strong unwavering testimony very young. And so I did it. I persevered. I made it. I have been healed from the those awful scars. He has removed the mental illnesses that kept me from being able to me completely. And now here I am all alone with me. Surviving, pushing, trying, changing, reaching, hoping; it is was marathon. An emotional marathon. You can't stop to take a breather. You have to dig past the part that is screaming at you to quit already. You can't look back because you may trip or fall. And you can't look down either to see where you are because you could lose your balance. You have to push on.

Last January I decided I wanted to run half marathon. I started jogging. I got shin splints. I rested and started again. But the shin splints came back, worse this time. I felt frustrated. I prayed and asked to know what to do. I really wanted to race. I wanted to run. Not to long after we went to see a documentary on marathoning. As I sat and watched I was overcome with the spirit. I felt the Lord gently whisper to me, "You have already run your marathon. You actually ran two." I cried. I knew what the Lord was talking about. My healings. Going through life prior to each of them was very much like a marathon. I then felt the Lord say "you have crossed your finish line. It is time to stop running." The tears flowed. I have been "running" my whole life. I didn't know how to not "run". I knew the Lord was asking me to live. To live right now. This wave of relief and panic came over me. Relief because I felt validated. Panic because I had no idea how to live.

I started praying about my feelings that night. The insights that have come have been incredible. The Lord asked me to give up a lot though. He asked me to forgo my idealistic thoughts of how my house should look, what kind of schedule I should keep, to let go of temporal perfection. He has asked me to think about my children and my husband more, and not just think about them but internalize them, to connect to them spirit to spirit. In May Ray lost his job and for a time I was distracted with once again surviving.

When I go for my walks I pray. Sometimes I am not paying attention and I start talking out loud. During the month of June my prayers were about Raym and the things he (and I) were going through. How do I support him? How do I love him? Help me to know how to handle all of this. The Lord told me I had a monumental choice. He said I had two choices actually. I could be bitter. I could be prideful. I could continue down my road of survival. Or I could chose a higher road. I could change with Ray. Not only could I forgive him, support him and love him, but I could look with in myself and find those things that were prideful inside of me and overcome them. Somewhere along my journey in life I made a decision that I did not ever want to be a reason that another person was held back, primarily my immediate family. I did want to be a stumbling block for another. I told the Lord I would do it. I wanted to know what I needed to change.

I warn you that if you want the Lord to tell you what you are prideful about, be prepared. It is a hard thing when the Lord allows you to see yourself. But it is also a beautiful experience.

I am selfish. Not the the blatant annoying selfish, but the subtle probably undetectable selfish. I actually didn't realize it until one night praying and the Lord brought a situation so clearly to my mind. I was shocked. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. But even with those sad emotions I knew that the Lord could help me change. He could help take the ME out my life. I think a hard lesson in life to learn is that we aren't as 'important' as we think we are. Divine, yes. If you have ever had a "nothingness" experience, I think you will understand what I am saying. It isn't us that is important, it is our actions, our desires and our thoughts. It is what we do with ourselves that is so important. So often in my scripture study I am brought to verses about forgetting oneself and serving others, or losing oneself to find oneself. I want my day to be less about what I am getting done, and more about what I am doing for others. I want my motivations to be selfless. When I think of folding laundry in the light that I am doing it for my family so that they can have clean clothes etc, I actually enjoy it more. When I approach meal time with the thought of the empty stomachs I am about to feed there is a satisfaction and a calm motivation that follows. I have to remember to forget myself. I have to work at considering the thoughts or concerns of my husband and children, but I am loving it. It is definitely having a beautiful domino affect on our lives.

I am guarded. Ray's sister Abbi got married a week or so ago. There was this happiness there I could not relate too. Abbi is the poster girl for innocence, which is not a bad thing. Innocence I never knew. There were some conversations that I was not excluded from but I felt emotionaly lost from. I knew about sex before I was five. I was the victim of child pornography, and sexual abuse. No one at school told me anything I didn't know. So that giddiness and nervous about what to do that first night. The worries, or the excitement of living with someone. It was all so unfamiliar. I have been healed from the scars, the darkness, all the awful things that comes from abuse. But the healing didn't give me innocence. I longed for it. I sat in a room and wept to my Heavenly Father. Didn't he know I would have lived differently if I knew then what I know now? As I wept I felt his arms around me. He told me that before I came here to this earth, that I knowingly gave that up. That I had 'sacrificed' that knowing the Lord would compensate. But he also told me that I could ever feel innocent again. I pondered on that for some time. When I had the courage to breech the subject again, the Lord asked me to change something I wasn't even aware I was doing. I rely on the Lord, but I leave no room for anyone else. I have a great wall of China around my heart. I love. I love my husband. I love my children. But I realized in that moment I don't let anyone love me. If you ever have been hurt you know this great wall I am speaking of. The Lord asked me to take it down, all of it and to trust again. In that same moment I asked him who would catch me? what if someone hurt me again? what if they don't keep their promises? I can't tell you the exposure, the vulnerability I felt in that moment. I didn't know if I could handle really trusting again. Giving my emotions away only to have them returned used and damaged. I cried that night. I cried all day the next day. My Bishop stopped by that evening. I had talked to him earlier that day, and he said he already knew that he needed to talk to me. I shared with him my thoughts and what the Lord had told me. In those moments we talked I KNEW he was inspired. I know the counsel I received from him was from the Lord. I know that the Lord knows this is hard for me, but I know why he needs me to do it. In my quest to become more vulnerable, and to trust is where I will find my long sought after innocence. This softness I have wanted. As my bishop put it, as I become more vulnerable I can tare away those pieces of me that became crusty and weathered from surviving. I don't want to be rough around the edges, or rough anywhere. I want to be soft. I want to be gentle. Yes I will be hurt again. But never again as before. Life is painful but for me it will never again be excruciating.

I don't know who I am. Really. For so long my "marathon's" defined me. I was a survivor. The Lord has told me to leave that identity behind. He has asked me; what are my dreams? where do I want to go in life? what do I want my legacy to be? I am trying to figure that out. Now don't get me wrong. My favorite color is green. My fav flower is a daisy, and my FAVORITE place is TEXAS!!! But outside of the IM profile I am not sure. I look forward to no longer surviving. It is scary to let go of a wall that protects me, or so I think it does at least :) But I know that if I trust in the Lord and do what he asks, no matter the emotional/spiritual pain, and give up the things he has asked, he can make something of my life that is beyond my dreams.

I love life. I love what the Lord has made of my life so far. I don't think many from childhood or teenage years, well or my early adult years, would recognize me now. I know the Lord as always been mindful of me and he will continue to be. I know that in order to grow, my soil has to be tilled. There are so many weeds that need to be pulled, and some bad roots that need to be removed. I will grow stronger though. I will be fuller and richer. My colors will be brighter. I love this gospel. I love that we have to work at life. I love that all trials are opportunity. I love that Lord humbles us to improve us.

I know my Savior lives. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that all my prayers are heard and answered. I know that I can go to the Lord about EVERYTHING. I know that there is power and strength gained from daily scripture study. I know in my life there is a purpose.

The many uses of an exersaucer

If they don't want to use right side up, just turn it over and you have yourself a brand new toy.

She was waving Raym over to play. It was really cute.

Lunch is served

Ray gets to have lunch with me almost daily. And cooking is one of my favorite things to do. This is my favorite meal to make and eat. It is very simple but it smells good, taste good, and feels good goin' down.

Fall is official

Last spring we purchased season tickets to the BYU football games. We went to our first game on Saturday. Unfortunately we were having so much fun that I didn't take any pictures. We bought three tickets so each game we can bring one of the older girls. Aspen came this time. She really liked the idea of getting treats, the game was a little hard to follow :) She loved the cheering and the music. She loved the Cougarettes and Cosmos. At one point when a player was down she started to cry b/c she thought he was dead. The last half hour was really tough on her, but she was triumphant in the end as were the Cougars. I look forward to more games and more memories. I love football. I love the crisp air, which actually wasn't on Saturday. (it was really hot!!)I don't know much about football but I know enough to know when to cheer and when to gasp in dismay. I wanted to wear a hat but the only one I had was my Texas Longhorns hat. You can be loyal to two can't you? I did run into a couple of guys wearing their UT shirts though. All in all a great day! Can't wait to do it again!!!

Another wedding

So there was another wedding. Ray's sister Abbi got married August 22. We got together for family pics the day before. Our family pictures are on another camera, as are Steph (Ray's sister) and Craig's. But I am posting some of the other family pics. The official family pic is on the other camera as well. It was fun to be with family for the week. We went down to Lehi and stayed at Ray's grandparent's for a few days. Jes the youngest of the group is starting her freshman year at BYU. And Rach and Michael have just moved here from TN. Michael will be getting his master's from BYU. Jake and Heidi have just moved from Provo to live in TN where Jake is teaching biology at Fairview Junior High. I love this family b/c there is always something exciting happening, something fun to look forward too.

Jes with Mom and Dad Griffin

Rach and Michael with their girls Khallilia (4) Revekahlei (2) and Sunshine (6 months)

Seth and Katie with their bunch Olivia (5 in October) Reis (3 in October) and Seth (1 in September)





Jake and Heidi; Gracie (2 in November) and Elle (hatched on June 6 2008)



The Newlyweds Ray and Abigail Willardson

The Grankids with The Grandparents

A funny family