That would be a "NO"

So I wanted to post today about the lesson I taught on Sunday and about the birthday party for my nieces, but instead I am posting about the job we didn't get. My husband came in this afternoon for lunch with an envelope in hand and tears in his eyes. We didn't get the job. We did get a personal letter instead of a format letter, but that really doesn't change what is. We cried together for a minute, and then we agreed to not let it bother us, relatively speaking. It is still discouraging. Probably more for my husband than for me. It is interesting to me what having no money does to a person. Now I think sometimes in life we casually use the excuse we have no money in regards to family vacations, a wardrobe change, to repaint or replace fixtures or appliances in a home. I have a new appreciation for no money. It is something that I don't know that I ever would have really appreciated until now. While words typed can convey one image, it is important that whoever reads this knows I am not bitter. I am sad. My whole world has changed. I feel angry sometimes. But at the end of the day I have my testimony. I am not sure what the Lord needs us to learn from all of this. I hope I learn it. I hope that I can be patient.

Peace

I can only attribute the peace I feel to the Lord. I am not sure really when the anxiousness dissipated but I do feel much better. I am still hopeful. But I don't feel so desperate. I know the Lord will take care of us. I know that either we will get the job in Utah County or this Home Depot thing will turn around and be more profitable for us. As I was praying about it, I realized it wasn't necessarily that I or Ray wanted out of the job we have. We just need a better income, a more steady income. I still don't know the how, but I have peace with the "storm".

Anxious

Have you ever been so anxious about something that your stomach was tight and you kinda held your breathe? Yesterday Ray had a REALLY great job interview. The job would take us down to Utah County which is where most of his family is and it would be a steady decent salary. I didn't realize how stressed I was about the Home Depot job until this interview went so well. This summer has been hard. Doable, but lots of learning. I don't like having to 'lean' on the church. I appreciate the help it has been. We would be homeless and starving on our way to live with Raym's parents probably if it wasn't for the help we have gotten. It is has been hard for me because my husband has been gone a lot like a man might be for a normal job only to make $200 in a week. Is it bad that I don't want this any more? I long to be able to go to the store and get what we need with out wondering or analyzing if we really need it or could we make something work in its place. I know how much I can live with out now. I definitely have come to a new level of appreciate for lots of things. But I feel guilty for feeling so desperate inside. I don't want to be poor. I don't want to stress anymore about how to pay for things when there is no money. On Sunday we are celebrating our nieces's birthday (two of them have the same birthday). I was asked to bring fruit salad. No biggy, except that my first thought was about the money. I want to make it. I love helping out with meals. But I have this fear that we will need that money. I want to find it in myself to have that perfect faith. Ray has been a great strength in helping me to remember the blessings we have been given that have promised that we would be taken care of. I know the Lord will, but sometimes I get caught up in the how. We are praying. Will you pray for us? Will you pray that I will be patient with whatever the Lord's will is? And will you, with me, ask the Lord to let us have this job?

It speaks for itself

http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

School is in session

Well we started school actually a couple of weeks ago. I am just now posting the pics though. I love homeschooling. It is hard. But it is a good hard. I have to rely a lot on the Lord. But I learn so much about my children and about myself. My house does suffer a bit, but nothing that some family team work can't cope with. Alora is in Kindergarten, and Aspen is in second grade. On the first day of school Alora was in shock that she was in Kindergarten and Aspen says to her "Yes! Alora you are in Kindergarten and I am in first grade". I said "um no you are in Second grade!" Aspen's eyes fell out of her head and she stands up and with passion says "I'm in Second grade and I am ONLY seven! Yea!!! Wah hoo!!!!" I loved it!

The kids just doing their thing

Alexa was going to eat the crayons for a snack but baby Ray was quick to save them from an awful fate.

I love Aspen's desk. I bought in PA about 5 years ago. I love old school desks.

Alora's 'corner'. School and Alora go hand and hand. She kept saying, "I can't believe I have my VERY own desk". I wondered if she thought you had to be the oldes to have a desk. Her's is another old desk. I bought that one in Boston.

baby Ray has his school as well with the girls. On this particular day he was practicing using scissors. And Alexa was perfecting her skill of just being cute.

Utah State Fair

Yesterday we went to the Utah State Fair. We got in for $2 with this huge group of other homeschoolers! It has been a while since I have been to a fair so it was fun to be there with the kids and see their reactions. Ray's sister Steph was there with her husband and their 4 girls, and Rach came with her 3 girls. Next time we do something together though we are thinking we will have all the kids wear a similar color, 11 kids is tricky to keep up with!

There is this 'thing', for lack of a better word, called "Little Hands on the Farm". The kids walk through and learn about life on a farm. The kids really enjoyed it.

They got to milk a cow

...plant some 'seeds'

get eggs from some chickens

and some pictures I didn't post were of them riding john deere trikes, feeding a cow, picking some veggies from the garden, getting wool from a sheep, and then trading in all that they had picked or harvested for money and buying a treat.

Then we headed to look at the animals. Aspen has been telling me everyday how she wants to have a farm. So this fair just added fuel to the dream.

This chicken...yes it is a chicken...a very FLUFFY chicken...was my favorite!!!

LOVE!!!! This bunny...they were selling for pocket change.... $100 :)

at the end of the day we splurged for all you can eat ice cream from the dairy farmers of Utah...you can't eat as much as you think...but what we could eat was delicious!!!!!!!!!!

just a cute picture of these fire cracker cousins

Last Swim?

Last day of swimming? Yesterday was warm and grand so we filled up the pool for quite possibly maybe who knows could be the last time...

My charlie's angel

it was at this point that I look over and baby Ray has flooded my flower boxes and the little bitty just barely growing flowers which we just recently planted for a school project are floating away. I think we might have saved them though, for those of you who are greatly concerned I will keep posted!

More family pics

Here we are!!!

My little man!

More of the family!

to see the rest of the family pics click here

How did they know?

I found this on another blog...tried and was pleasantly surprised at how well they (whoever they are) knew me :)

What Andraé Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

try it!!!

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

The will power of a 3 year old

I woke up inspired, motivated and ready to make this a potty training day. We started sharp at 8AM. I sat him down in front of a movie, with some liquid and waited. I cleaned the kitchen, read, helped the girls with school. He went in the chair, but not the big one or should I say the big #2. It was weird though, he would go and the only reason I would know was because the toilet would sing. Yes, I said the toilet would sing. You gotta love it :) But he wouldn't even know he went, and that was even when the movie was off and we were just hangin out. He saved the best part for when we were at the park waiting for Alora to be done with music class. He announced his action to me from afar with no remorse or recognition of where it actually should have happened. I was defeated in that moment. He doesn't care. If you ask him where do you go to bathroom he says, "my biaper". I am really at a lose. The girls wanted to go, relatively that is. They could tell me when they needed to go. What I am to do? Do I truly WAIT until it is his idea? My crazy fear is that he will be 4 and still in diapers. We have a ten months until then...but still?!?!?!? AGGGHHHH!!!!

All by herself

My kids are independent. I am not sure where they get it from. This past few days Alexa has been refusing to eat. She will eat her fruit I cut up, or cheese...any finger food really. But if we attempt to feed something not so finger friendly she would boycott. I thought after a few days she would give in. I misjudged her level of persistence.

The other day I came downstairs and found her on my kitchen table eating out of some one's bowl of beans from lunch. Before I even reached for her she squawked. Truly she squawks, she doesn't cry. I was told once she sounds similar to a crow....how kind :) I sat her on the floor to clean up, she commenced to throwing a fit with limbs flying and her body thrusting itself to the floor. I wondered if maybe all this was because she actually wanted to continue consuming the leftovers. I put her in the high chair, gave her the bib. There is still a lot of squawking happening by the way. And then I gave her a spoon and the bowl. Silence, and a smile. She was satisfied. She actually did pretty good with the spoon. It was a messy time, but she was just so happy.

A bean got loose.

It would often take a second or twenty to get the food on the spoon, and then inevitably something would leap from the spoon on to the tray where it would later be smashed beyond recognition.

This girl is good!

Happy baby, Happy Mommy, dirty high chair...life is good...

A good day

Last night after I wrote my blog entry I felt exhausted. I felt like I had let this huge boulder off my chest. I actually cried off and on. For no reason particular, maybe it was a letting go cry. As I reread what I wrote this morning, I felt peaceful. Writing has always been a release for me. I have kept a current journal since I was ten. I threw all my journals from that time until I was married away when I was pregnant with Aspen. It was a purging of sorts. I went through my journal box and was rereading what I had written. It was sad. I didn't want my kids to "see" that part of me.

Something interesting about myself I am learning. Actually I think I have always known it but couldn't accept it. I can't be something I am not. For example. I felt guilty this summer b/c so many of the things we did I didn't post about. I was going through some hard things with Raym, and I couldn't pretend that I was happy. I could probably fake it a little better over the phone, but when I am writing, that opens up these truth flood gates that just won't stop. So I am embracing it. And the child screaming at me from her upstairs bedroom.

Today was a good day. I woke up with a "oh my gosh, I just opened my soul to the world" exposed feeling. Ray said what I wrote was intense. I apologize if it was. I felt like I was hiding behind my thoughts. I didn't want to anymore. I was reading this ladies blog who, of course I found through someone else's blog , and she had opened her blog to public. I asked myself why mine was private. It was the vulnerability thing. I was afraid that someone wouldn't like what they read, and that I couldn't live up to "their" expectations of what a blog could be. I felt so strongly to write after those thoughts, to tell and to share. So I did. I let it flow. And it flowed for a while :) But I realized something as I was writing and as my day went on and as I write now. For me to learn about who I am, I can't put any expectations on it. I have to let myself be me, and love every part of it. I think loving every part of myself will help me better love others and all their emotional parts. It will help me to really love them.

So back to the good day. Ray and I have been working out together in the mornings. We take the kids to the park down the street and while they play at the park we work out on the soccer field. We have our own version of boot camp. We run lines a couple of different ways. We do agility drills with and without the soccer ball. We use resistance bands. We do lunges and we do abs. It has been fun, hard, but fun. This morning before our work, we ran for nine minutes together. A consistent nine minutes, HUGE for us :) Then we headed to DI for some shopping. I am not a thrift store gal. I like to walk in, namely Target, get what I want walk out. My kids clothes are pretty basic. I am not a shopper! It took longer than I would have liked, but the girls are happy and baby Ray found a bumblebee shirt he will now wear until it becomes his new skin. Then we headed to grab some groceries, which is yet another humbling experience because it is a courtesy of the church. The first time I was in there I could feel the spirit so strong. I knew the Lord didn't want me to be embarrassed about being in there b/c it was established for one of the vary reasons I was there. We are broke! Luckily we had school this morning before the work out, and the kids took naps in the car while we ran errands.

As I write though I feel so good inside. I don't think every post will be a mile long, but who knows with the way my mind works. I will take it though. I will take my life and have fun with it because it is mine.