22 months folks. Can you believe it has been that long since my husband has had a full-time job? Me either. Wow. What an experience this has been. I have felt very thoughtful today. Grateful too. But I want to make sure that I don't get so caught up in being excited and moving forward that I forget to reflect on what the Lord has given us both now and during this experience. We have learned so much. I am sure I have learned things I don't realize yet. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity.
It is going to be fun to pay our own bills again :) We have been blessed with the support of our ward for our rent and food, and sometimes bills if we couldn't cover it. That is a lesson in and of itself.
My testimony has grown so much during this trial. I have a firm testimony of paying your tithing and of fast offerings. The windows of heaven are not always monetary or temporal. I have a testimony of being willing to endure all that our Father in Heaven needs us to. He truly knows what is best for us...eternally. And if we can let go and have faith in that he can "take" us places spiritually one could never imagine. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my Savior. I love how they have loved me and blessed me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
In defense
My sister isn't malicious. I would like to believe. I don't think she went to my mom on purpose. I don't know if she even realized the consequences of talking to my mom about me. I would like to imagine that she shared what she did with my mom because she thought she was helping my mom. I imagine too that to a certain extent that she was hoping to earn some kind of praise from my mom. I did that when I was younger. I would say things I didn't really believe, or phrase things just the right way hoping to please my mom. I think my sister does love me, but I know she doesn't know me. We have always seen things very differently.
Last year while Ray was gone I was told by the Lord to cut ties with everything and everyone. I quit facebook and blogging. I didn't speak to anyone except Ray's mom and sisters. At first I didn't understand the purpose but soon I realized that Lord needed to me to learn how to lean more effectively on him for all things. I didn't have correspondence with my family during that time either. It was nice actually. I rebooted to life if you will after Raym came home, and after the Lord let me know it was okay. I think I might need to cut ties with my family. I love them, but they hurt me and they don't love me back. What do you think? Of course I will pray about it.
Last year while Ray was gone I was told by the Lord to cut ties with everything and everyone. I quit facebook and blogging. I didn't speak to anyone except Ray's mom and sisters. At first I didn't understand the purpose but soon I realized that Lord needed to me to learn how to lean more effectively on him for all things. I didn't have correspondence with my family during that time either. It was nice actually. I rebooted to life if you will after Raym came home, and after the Lord let me know it was okay. I think I might need to cut ties with my family. I love them, but they hurt me and they don't love me back. What do you think? Of course I will pray about it.
Arwyn
She stopped. Nursing that is. I realized as the weekend progressed that the Lord wasn't prompting me to stop, he was prompting me so that I wouldn't be surprised when she did. The Lord was merciful though. That Saturday, a week ago, after our family walk I knew she needed to eat. I said a very quiet prayer in my heart, hoping to feed her one last time. The desire of my heart was granted. She only nursed one side though :) But I knew it was the hand of the Lord. I tried again last week just to see, and she still refused. She is happy with the bottle, and I have found peace with this transition.
I am filled with so much emotion. I love writing. It is a release for me. It is how I feel more emotionally organized. You have heard a lot about my mom. Or maybe you haven't. As I have been going through this weightloss journey she has been my greatest vice. I didn't realize the impact a mother can have on her child until I started devling into why I struggled with over-eating. I have already spoken of her lack of affection and how really over all she failed me. Well despite my recognition of how she wasn't there for me deep in my heart I had ever had hopes that one day we could have a healthy relationship. For whatever reason my mother has chosen not to have a relationship with me. I can truly say she has never called me since we have lived here. We did see her a couple of times when we first moved here. Truly my whole single life has been me contacting her, really in hopes that she would reciprocate.
This past week my mother visited my sister in Fort Worth Texas after the birth of her first baby. Why didn't my mom ever help me with any of my children? That is a post for another lifetime. I thought about my mom a lot last week. I even talked with my sister about it. Big mistake. I trusted her with my thoughts and feelings. I know ultimately I was betrayed. On Saturday I asked my mom to dinner. My intention was to let her know I desired to have a relationship with her. So we met in Lehi at Chili's.
I should have known my mothers truest feelings about me with one of her first remarks. I stated how much I have always loved Chili's. Her reply was filled with distain and hatred. "Yes Andraé everyone knows how you love Chili's. You have always made that very clear" What? So while we are eating I share with her that Ray has had a job interview down in Orem and that if we get the job we would be moving. I told her I like the Pleasant Grove, Lehi, American Fork area. She promptly discourages me from moving anywhere near there. Uh she lives in Pleasant Grove? If it is such a bad place why doesn't she move?
So we finish our dinner and I tell her how I do want to have a relationship with her but that I don't know how. She proceeds to tell me how the only way our relationship will work is if I change. That when my brother Austin came home from his mission I deceived her and betrayed her. I wish I could give you the whole story of what happened but that would require even more history of our incredibly dysfunctional family. I understand why she felt deceived but I would not change what I did because I did it for my brother. I knew she would be upset. She is always upset. Anyway her case was presented to me just as it always has been my entire life. How selfish I am. How I think I know more than her. How I only care for myself and noone else. And that I will run over anyone to accomplish my goals. She said she knew all that I say about her. The lies and manipulations. I asked her to tell me what it was I said. And just like when I was a teenager she had nothing, only to say "Andraé I shouldn't have to tell you what you have said, you know what you say". I remember once my senior year after dragging me out of a the church literally by my hair she told me to pack up and to get out of the house, that by the time she got back from the boys haircut she wanted me gone. I called around but noone could let me come stay. I think they were more afraid of my mother than letting me stay with them. My friend Jill said I could stay with them. Cecilia, Jill's mom was a friend of my mom's. They were at my house picking me up when Mom got back. Mom came in so casual. "Hey what are y'all doing here?" Like she didn't know. Cecilia tells her they were there to pick me up because I told them Mom had asked me to leave. Here lady's and gentlemen was my mom's signature 180 degree turn. "what? I don't know what you are talking about!" She glared at me and went on to say that while she and I had our disagreements she would never kick me out. She continued to explain how I was always trying to make her out to be this awful mother trying to get people to feel sorry for me. She played that violin until Cecilia left. And what do you think happened after she was gone? Yes this is when the real dragon is released. The slapping, the screaming, the emotional degrading, I probably wasn't allowed to eat with the family in order to "show" me how unimportant I was.
I laughed as I sat there and listened to her. Seriously this is still her platform? As she was speaking the reality was setting in. She will never love me. She never did. I always knew she didn't. She made it very clear. I told her I think it is easier for her not to talk to me. I think she likes it that way. She told me 12 years ago that she knew I was okay with out her. She called me some lovely names that I hadn't heard in awhile. I told her she was that same woman that I came to when I was nine years old and told her that my uncle was molesting me and she told me I was lieing. Yep I told her she was evil. Now my friends, here is another twist in this lovely story. After I said that she looks at me and says "Ah-ha see you haven't forgiven me". Remember when I said my sister had betrayed me? The day before this heart-wrenching experience I had spoken with my sister. I had shared with her how I wanted Mom to be a part of my life. She wondered if I haven't forgiven mom. She talks about my relationship with my Dad how we are "chums", and yet I haven't forgiven my mother. Maybe she is right, I concede, but that is a matter a prayer maybe. I tell her I will talk to Heavenly Father about it. I share with her how it is hard to know that your mom doesn't love you and how you hope one day she will. Amber tells me she wants me and mom to be able to get along. Really? Then why call mom and tell her our conversation. I had never spoken to my mom about forgiveness regarding her. The only way she would be prompted to say what she did is if Amber had so kindly talked to her, "letting" her know about our conversation.
This is my life. This weekend I have felt as if I were in a episode of Days of our Lives :) Really. I won't lie, I have cried a lot. I wanted to reconcile with my mom. I want her to love me. She can't though, because she doesn't want to. I will be okay. It is just a very weird feeling inside. Deep rejection. If I didn't know my Heavenly Father loved me I think it would all hurt much worse. I think now is the time for me to move on. I will not have a mother in this lifetime. The Lord confirmed that in a blessing. It will be okay. He promised he would fill the void and I know in time he will.
This past week my mother visited my sister in Fort Worth Texas after the birth of her first baby. Why didn't my mom ever help me with any of my children? That is a post for another lifetime. I thought about my mom a lot last week. I even talked with my sister about it. Big mistake. I trusted her with my thoughts and feelings. I know ultimately I was betrayed. On Saturday I asked my mom to dinner. My intention was to let her know I desired to have a relationship with her. So we met in Lehi at Chili's.
I should have known my mothers truest feelings about me with one of her first remarks. I stated how much I have always loved Chili's. Her reply was filled with distain and hatred. "Yes Andraé everyone knows how you love Chili's. You have always made that very clear" What? So while we are eating I share with her that Ray has had a job interview down in Orem and that if we get the job we would be moving. I told her I like the Pleasant Grove, Lehi, American Fork area. She promptly discourages me from moving anywhere near there. Uh she lives in Pleasant Grove? If it is such a bad place why doesn't she move?
So we finish our dinner and I tell her how I do want to have a relationship with her but that I don't know how. She proceeds to tell me how the only way our relationship will work is if I change. That when my brother Austin came home from his mission I deceived her and betrayed her. I wish I could give you the whole story of what happened but that would require even more history of our incredibly dysfunctional family. I understand why she felt deceived but I would not change what I did because I did it for my brother. I knew she would be upset. She is always upset. Anyway her case was presented to me just as it always has been my entire life. How selfish I am. How I think I know more than her. How I only care for myself and noone else. And that I will run over anyone to accomplish my goals. She said she knew all that I say about her. The lies and manipulations. I asked her to tell me what it was I said. And just like when I was a teenager she had nothing, only to say "Andraé I shouldn't have to tell you what you have said, you know what you say". I remember once my senior year after dragging me out of a the church literally by my hair she told me to pack up and to get out of the house, that by the time she got back from the boys haircut she wanted me gone. I called around but noone could let me come stay. I think they were more afraid of my mother than letting me stay with them. My friend Jill said I could stay with them. Cecilia, Jill's mom was a friend of my mom's. They were at my house picking me up when Mom got back. Mom came in so casual. "Hey what are y'all doing here?" Like she didn't know. Cecilia tells her they were there to pick me up because I told them Mom had asked me to leave. Here lady's and gentlemen was my mom's signature 180 degree turn. "what? I don't know what you are talking about!" She glared at me and went on to say that while she and I had our disagreements she would never kick me out. She continued to explain how I was always trying to make her out to be this awful mother trying to get people to feel sorry for me. She played that violin until Cecilia left. And what do you think happened after she was gone? Yes this is when the real dragon is released. The slapping, the screaming, the emotional degrading, I probably wasn't allowed to eat with the family in order to "show" me how unimportant I was.
I laughed as I sat there and listened to her. Seriously this is still her platform? As she was speaking the reality was setting in. She will never love me. She never did. I always knew she didn't. She made it very clear. I told her I think it is easier for her not to talk to me. I think she likes it that way. She told me 12 years ago that she knew I was okay with out her. She called me some lovely names that I hadn't heard in awhile. I told her she was that same woman that I came to when I was nine years old and told her that my uncle was molesting me and she told me I was lieing. Yep I told her she was evil. Now my friends, here is another twist in this lovely story. After I said that she looks at me and says "Ah-ha see you haven't forgiven me". Remember when I said my sister had betrayed me? The day before this heart-wrenching experience I had spoken with my sister. I had shared with her how I wanted Mom to be a part of my life. She wondered if I haven't forgiven mom. She talks about my relationship with my Dad how we are "chums", and yet I haven't forgiven my mother. Maybe she is right, I concede, but that is a matter a prayer maybe. I tell her I will talk to Heavenly Father about it. I share with her how it is hard to know that your mom doesn't love you and how you hope one day she will. Amber tells me she wants me and mom to be able to get along. Really? Then why call mom and tell her our conversation. I had never spoken to my mom about forgiveness regarding her. The only way she would be prompted to say what she did is if Amber had so kindly talked to her, "letting" her know about our conversation.
This is my life. This weekend I have felt as if I were in a episode of Days of our Lives :) Really. I won't lie, I have cried a lot. I wanted to reconcile with my mom. I want her to love me. She can't though, because she doesn't want to. I will be okay. It is just a very weird feeling inside. Deep rejection. If I didn't know my Heavenly Father loved me I think it would all hurt much worse. I think now is the time for me to move on. I will not have a mother in this lifetime. The Lord confirmed that in a blessing. It will be okay. He promised he would fill the void and I know in time he will.
Friday, March 5, 2010
I am doing better emotionally. At first I was scared to be prego. I mean my baby is only 8 months old almost. And really I wanted to get in better shape before the next one. After a few days I embraced it. It was interesting because I felt relief and sadness. Now it is exceptance. Whatever the Lord gives me I want to find a way to move forward with it and become better by going through it. My body has taken quite the hit over this past month and I can feel it. I look forward to healing and getting back to the gym.
I have been pondering weaning Arwyn. I have lost an inch or more with my diet and work outs but no weight. The Lord has told me through blessings I just won't lose the weight until I am no longer nursing. I am ready to lose the weight. I am ready for the next step of my life. It is hard to define in words. These past two years have been amazing, hard, humbling, miraculous and filled with growth. I truly feel like we are at the beginning of the end. Which might not happen for another two years. But I feel the finish of this chapter approaching. I am ready to be done nursing. Is that bad? I don't think so. I prayed about it last night, outlining to the Lord my "plan" if you will for wanting to wean Arwyn. I asked if it was his will.
Last night at 12:30 Arwyn woke up. Finally I gave in and Ray brought her to me. (good man!) She did not want to nurse. She refused me over and over. Two hours later and an attempt to bottle feed her a bit she fell asleep. She woke up at 6AM. Still she refused, but did take a little more bottle. All day she has refused to nurse, but she will take a bottle from Ray and the girls. I am not sure how all this plays into my prayer, but truly it is as if while sleeping someone came to her and said "it is time to wean". I pump milk for her and will until she gets the hang of this. No she does not have a fever. She is not congested and is not pulling on her ears. Curious indeed. I shall keep you posted over the next couple of days.
I must let you know how grateful I am. I have had moments recently where I have wondered if the Lord still remembered me. This week he has shown me in his own quiet way that he does. I am grateful for his patience as I learn to be patient with his will. A friend shared this quote with me which has changed me completely I share it with you.
it is the fourth paragraph of this talk
I have been pondering weaning Arwyn. I have lost an inch or more with my diet and work outs but no weight. The Lord has told me through blessings I just won't lose the weight until I am no longer nursing. I am ready to lose the weight. I am ready for the next step of my life. It is hard to define in words. These past two years have been amazing, hard, humbling, miraculous and filled with growth. I truly feel like we are at the beginning of the end. Which might not happen for another two years. But I feel the finish of this chapter approaching. I am ready to be done nursing. Is that bad? I don't think so. I prayed about it last night, outlining to the Lord my "plan" if you will for wanting to wean Arwyn. I asked if it was his will.
Last night at 12:30 Arwyn woke up. Finally I gave in and Ray brought her to me. (good man!) She did not want to nurse. She refused me over and over. Two hours later and an attempt to bottle feed her a bit she fell asleep. She woke up at 6AM. Still she refused, but did take a little more bottle. All day she has refused to nurse, but she will take a bottle from Ray and the girls. I am not sure how all this plays into my prayer, but truly it is as if while sleeping someone came to her and said "it is time to wean". I pump milk for her and will until she gets the hang of this. No she does not have a fever. She is not congested and is not pulling on her ears. Curious indeed. I shall keep you posted over the next couple of days.
I must let you know how grateful I am. I have had moments recently where I have wondered if the Lord still remembered me. This week he has shown me in his own quiet way that he does. I am grateful for his patience as I learn to be patient with his will. A friend shared this quote with me which has changed me completely I share it with you.
it is the fourth paragraph of this talk
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he has a plan for me and my family. I know that sometimes when you step into the dark with faith you are in that dark a little bit longer than you had hoped. But I also know that it is only for our betterment. I used to always pray to have a boring life. Predictable. I would not know what I know today if the Lord had given me that. We made $23,000 last year. But what I gained spiritually is eternal and is mine. One day we will be out of this darkness. I won't miss it I have to be honest. But I will be forever grateful for everything that my Heavenly Father and Savior have taught me and given me. I KNOW that my Savior LIVES! I KNOW that I am important to my Heavenly Father. I KNOW!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I went to body pump last night. Whoa! Love that work out!! I am enjoying the journey of losing my weight and getting fit. It gets hard sometimes though I must be honest. I am changing a mindset that I have had for years. I have to make an honest effort to not eat emotionally. Foods like mac and cheese are a HUGE weakness for me. So I make trades. If I eat mac and cheese...that is all I eat for the meal...one cup is over 400 kcals! And sometimes veggies are not what I want to eat...so there is a lot of pep talk and even more prayer...I am hopeful that one day this will all come naturally. I dream of the day really. But then again this could be my thorn in the flesh...something I have to always stay on top of...I have to remind myself why I do what I do...why am I doing this? because at the end of the day I feel better inside...when I work out and eat healthy my body just works better...there is also a certain amount of excitement inside...maybe even pride that I am overcoming something that has plagued me my whole life. I enjoy the opportunity to learn more self control and witness the hand of the Lord in my life as I turn to him for strength.
Tonight is cardio. Fat burning cardio...meaning I keep my heart rate pretty low to stay in my "fat burning" zone for at least an hour. I like these work outs. They are pretty easy in comparison to weight training. I think on Thursday I am going to do yoga. LOVE yoga!
Tonight is cardio. Fat burning cardio...meaning I keep my heart rate pretty low to stay in my "fat burning" zone for at least an hour. I like these work outs. They are pretty easy in comparison to weight training. I think on Thursday I am going to do yoga. LOVE yoga!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The week in review
Wow, I have so many thoughts flowing right now. First though I must tell you about my work outs. Well I actually ended up working out Friday and Saturday. I went late Friday night and first thing Saturday morning. I don't remember my workout Friday, but I did legs on Saturday. My latest thing has been lunges. LOTS of lunges. They are a great glute work out. Monday I was starting to get sick, so I went to bed early. Tuesday Alexa wanted to toilet train, that is for another post...Wednesday evening though with my head cold and all I went to Body Pump. Now for those of you not yet acquainted with the AWESOME class, I say to you RUN!!! to the gym to join! It is a full body work out with weights. If you have ever done a FIRM work out, it is along those lines. You use weights the whole time focus on the main muscles groups (back, chest, biceps, triceps, legs, and shoulders). I only did cardio on Thursday, bike for 20 minutes, elliptical for 20 min and walking on the treadmill (incline 5) for 20 min. Friday and Saturday I did body pump again. That is not always my routine. But for the next couple of weeks I will be doing the body pump classes. And then I will switch it to probably aerobic classes and then doing my own weight lifting.
As far as food. :) I don't really remember what I ate. Really. I usually track calories on sparkpeople daily but for someone reason I only did for a couple of days. I am working on incorporating my fruits and veggies into my diet. Did you know I didn't eat many veggies when I was growing up? Healthy eating wasn't promoted in my family. (my mom didn't feed us awful food...it was just southern cooking) Actually food wasn't talked about. We weren't allowed to just go in and grab something when we were hungry. Food was another control thing for my mom. It ultimately caused me lots of problems. I realized at some point on this journey that so much of why I struggled with food was because of my mother. Two reasons mainly. She didn't nurture me and she sent me conflicting messages about food. I do not believe my mother and I ever formed an attachment after I was born. I don't believe she held me very much. I know growing up she didn't hug me. I would hug her but I always remember feeling like she wasn't the biggest fan of hugging me. She didn't offer any words of encouragement. If she told me she loved me I don't remember it, probably because I didn't believe her. I believe I found comfort in food. I ate when I was hungry both physically and emotionally. Eventually my body didn't know the difference. In our home food was under this weird protection. We couldn't eat it unless she said we could. I remember sneaking food because I was so hungry, and my mom would tell me I wasn't, and then at dinner she would tell me to eat even though I would tell her I wasn't hungry. I couldn't tell her I had eaten things with out her knowing. I remember as a teenager she would take food from me and either eat it herself or give it to my brothers. Really if you want to know the truth. I don't think my mom ever liked me. Yes I just said that. I believe she loved me because she gave birth to me, but she never liked me. I don't know if I will ever know why. When my father came for Christmas this year he and I talked about it. I asked him about some of my memories and he confirmed them. He said he struggled as well with how my mom treated me. He said actually a lot of their fights were over why she was so mean to me. I am okay with it though. Really. The Lord has been right by my side I have been learning more about this part of my childhood. I have been recording my thoughts and feelings in my journal. And there for a time I would write in my journal while I ate. It was an intense month or two. One night I woke up and this flood of memories came to my mind of things, regarding food, that my mother did or did not do. When I would eat I would ask myself why was I eating, what would happen if I had to stop, or didn't finish my food, why was I eating so secretly? I read four books as well, about attachment disorder and food addiction.
Two years ago the Lord told me that I would soon lose my weight. I am grateful for these two years. I am grateful for what I have learned about disordered eating, about true healthy eating, how to exercise properly...and really I could go on and on about what I have learned. I am not where I know I will soon be in regards to weight loss and strength. But I feel like I know more than most people about healthy living, things that you can't learn from a book or a class. I know what it feels like on the other side of the coin. It may seem weird to some that I am becoming a trainer...actually I know it does because I see the look on their faces when I tell them :) but here's the thing...why can't I learn about this stuff during my own weight-loss healthy journey trip :).....whose says I have to look like I just stepped out of a fitness competition to be a trainer? I want to train real people. We all can't compete but everyone deserves a chance to feel better about themselves. And here is one my first questions for my future clients....why do you want to lose weight? will losing weight make you happy? why? what if the weight never came off...how would you live your life? Those are the kinds of questions I have to ask myself. Happiness is NOT at 120lbs. Happiness is a state of being and until you find happiness in who you are right now at your very worst, then size 6 jeans won't help you either. It may seem strange to some that you could be happy and be over weight, but are you completely happy being thin? Or do you imagine being thinner? It is a trick used on us all by the adversary...the old "the grass is greener" mentality. Healthy living comes first from the heart and the mind. You can lose weight guaranteed with out having a healthy mind...but guaranteed you will put it all back on and you will yo-yo until you find that peace. I stand as that example. So to those of you who struggle with your body image whether thin or overweight I encourage you to kneel and counsel with the Lord and work to find that peace that only He can give so that you can look in the mirror and see what He sees and so that you can enjoy life the way He meant for us too.
As far as food. :) I don't really remember what I ate. Really. I usually track calories on sparkpeople daily but for someone reason I only did for a couple of days. I am working on incorporating my fruits and veggies into my diet. Did you know I didn't eat many veggies when I was growing up? Healthy eating wasn't promoted in my family. (my mom didn't feed us awful food...it was just southern cooking) Actually food wasn't talked about. We weren't allowed to just go in and grab something when we were hungry. Food was another control thing for my mom. It ultimately caused me lots of problems. I realized at some point on this journey that so much of why I struggled with food was because of my mother. Two reasons mainly. She didn't nurture me and she sent me conflicting messages about food. I do not believe my mother and I ever formed an attachment after I was born. I don't believe she held me very much. I know growing up she didn't hug me. I would hug her but I always remember feeling like she wasn't the biggest fan of hugging me. She didn't offer any words of encouragement. If she told me she loved me I don't remember it, probably because I didn't believe her. I believe I found comfort in food. I ate when I was hungry both physically and emotionally. Eventually my body didn't know the difference. In our home food was under this weird protection. We couldn't eat it unless she said we could. I remember sneaking food because I was so hungry, and my mom would tell me I wasn't, and then at dinner she would tell me to eat even though I would tell her I wasn't hungry. I couldn't tell her I had eaten things with out her knowing. I remember as a teenager she would take food from me and either eat it herself or give it to my brothers. Really if you want to know the truth. I don't think my mom ever liked me. Yes I just said that. I believe she loved me because she gave birth to me, but she never liked me. I don't know if I will ever know why. When my father came for Christmas this year he and I talked about it. I asked him about some of my memories and he confirmed them. He said he struggled as well with how my mom treated me. He said actually a lot of their fights were over why she was so mean to me. I am okay with it though. Really. The Lord has been right by my side I have been learning more about this part of my childhood. I have been recording my thoughts and feelings in my journal. And there for a time I would write in my journal while I ate. It was an intense month or two. One night I woke up and this flood of memories came to my mind of things, regarding food, that my mother did or did not do. When I would eat I would ask myself why was I eating, what would happen if I had to stop, or didn't finish my food, why was I eating so secretly? I read four books as well, about attachment disorder and food addiction.
Two years ago the Lord told me that I would soon lose my weight. I am grateful for these two years. I am grateful for what I have learned about disordered eating, about true healthy eating, how to exercise properly...and really I could go on and on about what I have learned. I am not where I know I will soon be in regards to weight loss and strength. But I feel like I know more than most people about healthy living, things that you can't learn from a book or a class. I know what it feels like on the other side of the coin. It may seem weird to some that I am becoming a trainer...actually I know it does because I see the look on their faces when I tell them :) but here's the thing...why can't I learn about this stuff during my own weight-loss healthy journey trip :).....whose says I have to look like I just stepped out of a fitness competition to be a trainer? I want to train real people. We all can't compete but everyone deserves a chance to feel better about themselves. And here is one my first questions for my future clients....why do you want to lose weight? will losing weight make you happy? why? what if the weight never came off...how would you live your life? Those are the kinds of questions I have to ask myself. Happiness is NOT at 120lbs. Happiness is a state of being and until you find happiness in who you are right now at your very worst, then size 6 jeans won't help you either. It may seem strange to some that you could be happy and be over weight, but are you completely happy being thin? Or do you imagine being thinner? It is a trick used on us all by the adversary...the old "the grass is greener" mentality. Healthy living comes first from the heart and the mind. You can lose weight guaranteed with out having a healthy mind...but guaranteed you will put it all back on and you will yo-yo until you find that peace. I stand as that example. So to those of you who struggle with your body image whether thin or overweight I encourage you to kneel and counsel with the Lord and work to find that peace that only He can give so that you can look in the mirror and see what He sees and so that you can enjoy life the way He meant for us too.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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