my journal entry

I think blogging for me is a way of reaching out. I got spoiled with therapy. Every couple of weeks or so I had the opportunity to pour my heart out. It always felt so good. It is an emotional cleansing for me. I like to share my thoughts. It helps me think better really. I talk through things. I journal everything. It is also easier for me when I feel like I get these things off my chest. I don't feel like I am being honest with myself or anyone else for that matter if all I posted right now was the seemingly happy things of my life. Things are hard right now. But I know the Lord will take this hard time and he will turn it around and my life will be beautiful. In a blessing I got right when Ray lost his job, the Lord said this would be our darkest hour. The Lord's hour tends be a little longer than ours, but I know that if I endure this time well and learn the things the Lord would have me learn I will know a happiness and a peace that I can't even begin to imagine. The Lord will and has always taken care of me.



Yesterday we sold the TV. It was a bittersweet feeling. We have some money now, which of course is actually spoken for b/c we have to pay for Raym’s truck to be fixed and for new tires, and for the van to get new brakes and an oil change. Going through this trial is an incredibly huge learning curve for me. I am realizing my vulnerabilities, my pridefulness and a couple of weaknesses :) I wish I had a mom. I know have a mom, but she is more of a birth mother than a real mother. She doesn’t call me. She would say well you don’t call me. True. Why would I want to call someone who I have never felt connected too, who doesn’t actually know me or really care too for that matter. It interesting though what my lack of relationship with mother does for me in regards to my relationship with my own children. I don’t want to push my children away. I want to be humble enough to learn from them. To be vulnerable enough to let them hold me sometimes. And allow them the freedom to love me even on days I am not so fond of myself.
I feel like I am finally getting the husband I always knew I had. Ray and I have had rough start in every way it seems like. But we are praying together. We talk. Really talk. Raym is being 120,000% honest with. I am sad about the things that he wasn’t honest about which brought us to this point we are at. But he has been willing to be humbled. He is trying. And I see the trying. The Lord did as he said he would do in those moments when he would “warn” of what was coming for Raym. We are losing everything. But the “everything” we are losing is only temporal. We haven’t lost each other. We haven’t lost the gospel. I have such a burning in my soul. If I had to live with out all these things for the rest of my mortal life so that my husband and I could continue to grow spiritually, and so that we could always truly have an “eye single to the glory of God”, I would do it. I know one desire that has always been mine is that I never wanted to be distracted from my purposes and goals here in this earth life. I truly want to build my treasures in heaven. I am ok with struggles. I am ok with being humbled. It isn’t necessarily always easy, but the things you learn. The insights, the blessings, the peace and the love of my heavenly Father always out weigh the momentary sadness I feel during a trial. I want to live with my Heavenly Father again. I want to be worthy to stand in the presence of my Savior and I really will do whatever it takes here in this earth life to do that.

An Answer

I have spent many hours in prayer asking my heavenly Father to help me see who I am. Who I am through his eyes. Today as I sat up on the stand substituting for a primary teacher during the sacrament program I saw it. So clearly was brought to my mind a part of my patriarchal blessing. I have read it a million times but never like this moment had I connected to it. I could see what my purpose was, for now at least :) I could see what the Lord sees in me. I would share it but it so personal. It was beautiful moment though. I felt invigorated and excited for the opportunity to improve on something that I didn't even realize was with in me. I probably will never be famous for it, and no one will probably ever know, but it doens't bother me because the most important person will know. I love that prayers are answered. I know every time my heart talks to my Father in heaven he is there. He hears me. And he always answers.

Gratitude

I am grateful for:

Second chances

my scriptures

the temple

Aspen

Alora

my baby Ray

Lelec - Alexa

my Ray of sunshine

prayers

unanswered prayers

miracles

holding my kids close at night when they are asleep

fall

football

TEXAS

books

daisies

crayons

homeschooling

mashed potatoes

home cooked meals

music

wipes

diapers that don't leak

Target

lakes

thunderstorms

porch swings

horses

farms

soccer

playing soccer with my husband

That would be a "NO"

So I wanted to post today about the lesson I taught on Sunday and about the birthday party for my nieces, but instead I am posting about the job we didn't get. My husband came in this afternoon for lunch with an envelope in hand and tears in his eyes. We didn't get the job. We did get a personal letter instead of a format letter, but that really doesn't change what is. We cried together for a minute, and then we agreed to not let it bother us, relatively speaking. It is still discouraging. Probably more for my husband than for me. It is interesting to me what having no money does to a person. Now I think sometimes in life we casually use the excuse we have no money in regards to family vacations, a wardrobe change, to repaint or replace fixtures or appliances in a home. I have a new appreciation for no money. It is something that I don't know that I ever would have really appreciated until now. While words typed can convey one image, it is important that whoever reads this knows I am not bitter. I am sad. My whole world has changed. I feel angry sometimes. But at the end of the day I have my testimony. I am not sure what the Lord needs us to learn from all of this. I hope I learn it. I hope that I can be patient.

Peace

I can only attribute the peace I feel to the Lord. I am not sure really when the anxiousness dissipated but I do feel much better. I am still hopeful. But I don't feel so desperate. I know the Lord will take care of us. I know that either we will get the job in Utah County or this Home Depot thing will turn around and be more profitable for us. As I was praying about it, I realized it wasn't necessarily that I or Ray wanted out of the job we have. We just need a better income, a more steady income. I still don't know the how, but I have peace with the "storm".

Anxious

Have you ever been so anxious about something that your stomach was tight and you kinda held your breathe? Yesterday Ray had a REALLY great job interview. The job would take us down to Utah County which is where most of his family is and it would be a steady decent salary. I didn't realize how stressed I was about the Home Depot job until this interview went so well. This summer has been hard. Doable, but lots of learning. I don't like having to 'lean' on the church. I appreciate the help it has been. We would be homeless and starving on our way to live with Raym's parents probably if it wasn't for the help we have gotten. It is has been hard for me because my husband has been gone a lot like a man might be for a normal job only to make $200 in a week. Is it bad that I don't want this any more? I long to be able to go to the store and get what we need with out wondering or analyzing if we really need it or could we make something work in its place. I know how much I can live with out now. I definitely have come to a new level of appreciate for lots of things. But I feel guilty for feeling so desperate inside. I don't want to be poor. I don't want to stress anymore about how to pay for things when there is no money. On Sunday we are celebrating our nieces's birthday (two of them have the same birthday). I was asked to bring fruit salad. No biggy, except that my first thought was about the money. I want to make it. I love helping out with meals. But I have this fear that we will need that money. I want to find it in myself to have that perfect faith. Ray has been a great strength in helping me to remember the blessings we have been given that have promised that we would be taken care of. I know the Lord will, but sometimes I get caught up in the how. We are praying. Will you pray for us? Will you pray that I will be patient with whatever the Lord's will is? And will you, with me, ask the Lord to let us have this job?

It speaks for itself

http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

School is in session

Well we started school actually a couple of weeks ago. I am just now posting the pics though. I love homeschooling. It is hard. But it is a good hard. I have to rely a lot on the Lord. But I learn so much about my children and about myself. My house does suffer a bit, but nothing that some family team work can't cope with. Alora is in Kindergarten, and Aspen is in second grade. On the first day of school Alora was in shock that she was in Kindergarten and Aspen says to her "Yes! Alora you are in Kindergarten and I am in first grade". I said "um no you are in Second grade!" Aspen's eyes fell out of her head and she stands up and with passion says "I'm in Second grade and I am ONLY seven! Yea!!! Wah hoo!!!!" I loved it!

The kids just doing their thing

Alexa was going to eat the crayons for a snack but baby Ray was quick to save them from an awful fate.

I love Aspen's desk. I bought in PA about 5 years ago. I love old school desks.

Alora's 'corner'. School and Alora go hand and hand. She kept saying, "I can't believe I have my VERY own desk". I wondered if she thought you had to be the oldes to have a desk. Her's is another old desk. I bought that one in Boston.

baby Ray has his school as well with the girls. On this particular day he was practicing using scissors. And Alexa was perfecting her skill of just being cute.

Utah State Fair

Yesterday we went to the Utah State Fair. We got in for $2 with this huge group of other homeschoolers! It has been a while since I have been to a fair so it was fun to be there with the kids and see their reactions. Ray's sister Steph was there with her husband and their 4 girls, and Rach came with her 3 girls. Next time we do something together though we are thinking we will have all the kids wear a similar color, 11 kids is tricky to keep up with!

There is this 'thing', for lack of a better word, called "Little Hands on the Farm". The kids walk through and learn about life on a farm. The kids really enjoyed it.

They got to milk a cow

...plant some 'seeds'

get eggs from some chickens

and some pictures I didn't post were of them riding john deere trikes, feeding a cow, picking some veggies from the garden, getting wool from a sheep, and then trading in all that they had picked or harvested for money and buying a treat.

Then we headed to look at the animals. Aspen has been telling me everyday how she wants to have a farm. So this fair just added fuel to the dream.

This chicken...yes it is a chicken...a very FLUFFY chicken...was my favorite!!!

LOVE!!!! This bunny...they were selling for pocket change.... $100 :)

at the end of the day we splurged for all you can eat ice cream from the dairy farmers of Utah...you can't eat as much as you think...but what we could eat was delicious!!!!!!!!!!

just a cute picture of these fire cracker cousins

Last Swim?

Last day of swimming? Yesterday was warm and grand so we filled up the pool for quite possibly maybe who knows could be the last time...

My charlie's angel

it was at this point that I look over and baby Ray has flooded my flower boxes and the little bitty just barely growing flowers which we just recently planted for a school project are floating away. I think we might have saved them though, for those of you who are greatly concerned I will keep posted!

More family pics

Here we are!!!

My little man!

More of the family!

to see the rest of the family pics click here

How did they know?

I found this on another blog...tried and was pleasantly surprised at how well they (whoever they are) knew me :)

What Andraé Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

try it!!!

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/