Cute Kids

Alexa Nicole

She sat so still I just had to take a million pictures...I only posted a few...isn't she cute?

A blessing of peace

We have applied for food stamps, WIC and Medicaid. We have sold just about everything we can. There is not a whole lot of money coming in, if any. We are at a point in our life that I could feel despair, but I don't. I feel peace and happiness. I am not scared. I am hopeful. I know the Lord is not only taking care of us now, but He will provide a job in time that will allow us to pay our own bills, and to buy our own food. It is incredible to me how you truly can feel peace when the storm is raging. I know that the peace I feel is from my Savior. I don't know when we will have a better income. Truly my list of "I don't know's" is longer than my list of knows. I know that my Savior lives, that he loves me and that he will never fail me or anyone. The peace I feel is truly not as the world would give. My peace is something so much deeper, richer and purer. I am not sure that I will ever be able to put into words what I have learned and what I am learning through this trial. I actually feel like it is more of an opportunity. I know that the lessons I am learning I could not have learned any other way. Somethings only come from experience. I know we will not be poor forever, the Lord has promised that in blessings. I don't want to 'waste' my time during this trial wishing it away. I remember conversations I used to have with a friend where we would discuss the fact that during a trial we wanted to learn everything we could so as to gain as much as we could. All of my needs are met, and one day when the time is right I will be able to consider my wants. I know that my happiness is important to the Lord. I also know that he can show me a happiness greater than I ever imagined. I love my life. I love what I get to learn. I love what we are learning as a family. I love the relationship my husband and I are building. I love it all!!! and I look forward to more growth, more memories, and more life!

Pictures from Amber's wedding

I had forgetten to add some pics from Amber's wedding. These were all taken by her friend Kim.

Don't forget to pray

My sister just called. She was sharing with me something that I had also heard about in emails. I believe there was a show that Oprah did about sexual predators. The things I have heard about the show disgust me. First of all I believe she could have done the show without any of the graphic nature. My sister said the women in the crowd were turning their heads and bawling. I am disappointed that someone of her stature would subject people to such things proclaiming to inform. There are more tactful ways to talk about such a sensitive subject. Second, the response to show was very interesting to me. I never saw the show, never will. But for my end of the deal I got a lot of emotionally charged emails. I appreciate and am grateful that so many are concerned for the increasing darkness of sexual abuse. My thought today as I listened to my sister was "we can't forget to pray". Our discussion began about politics. She made a comment about sometimes wanting to give up. I know she did not mean that literally, but that lit a fire in me. That is EXACTLY what the adversary wants us to feel. Overwhelmed. Discouraged. Outnumbered. How many times in our scriptures do we read about people who are for sure going to lose the battle? What do they do? They PRAY! And not just your standard answers pray. They PLEAD. We can't forget that. We can not forget our God. Prayer is so powerful. Yes! let's work for stronger laws for perpetrators, let's increase awareness and teach people who to watch out for and how to protect their families, but let's pray with that same zealousness. If we forget to pray for each other, for our country and for the world we will come out on the losing end. Things are getting darker, harder and thicker in regards to the evil in the world. But what an incredible opportunity for us to become more humble, more teachable and more reliant on our Father in Heaven. We can't forget!!!!...the church is growing....there is more light, more good, more opportunities to be spiritually fed than ever before. Our beloved prophets have testified of this and the fact that we WILL win this battle against the adversary!! We are all in this together. We have to pray for each other. That spiritual connection will carry us all through and beyond more than we ever imagined.

my journal entry

I think blogging for me is a way of reaching out. I got spoiled with therapy. Every couple of weeks or so I had the opportunity to pour my heart out. It always felt so good. It is an emotional cleansing for me. I like to share my thoughts. It helps me think better really. I talk through things. I journal everything. It is also easier for me when I feel like I get these things off my chest. I don't feel like I am being honest with myself or anyone else for that matter if all I posted right now was the seemingly happy things of my life. Things are hard right now. But I know the Lord will take this hard time and he will turn it around and my life will be beautiful. In a blessing I got right when Ray lost his job, the Lord said this would be our darkest hour. The Lord's hour tends be a little longer than ours, but I know that if I endure this time well and learn the things the Lord would have me learn I will know a happiness and a peace that I can't even begin to imagine. The Lord will and has always taken care of me.



Yesterday we sold the TV. It was a bittersweet feeling. We have some money now, which of course is actually spoken for b/c we have to pay for Raym’s truck to be fixed and for new tires, and for the van to get new brakes and an oil change. Going through this trial is an incredibly huge learning curve for me. I am realizing my vulnerabilities, my pridefulness and a couple of weaknesses :) I wish I had a mom. I know have a mom, but she is more of a birth mother than a real mother. She doesn’t call me. She would say well you don’t call me. True. Why would I want to call someone who I have never felt connected too, who doesn’t actually know me or really care too for that matter. It interesting though what my lack of relationship with mother does for me in regards to my relationship with my own children. I don’t want to push my children away. I want to be humble enough to learn from them. To be vulnerable enough to let them hold me sometimes. And allow them the freedom to love me even on days I am not so fond of myself.
I feel like I am finally getting the husband I always knew I had. Ray and I have had rough start in every way it seems like. But we are praying together. We talk. Really talk. Raym is being 120,000% honest with. I am sad about the things that he wasn’t honest about which brought us to this point we are at. But he has been willing to be humbled. He is trying. And I see the trying. The Lord did as he said he would do in those moments when he would “warn” of what was coming for Raym. We are losing everything. But the “everything” we are losing is only temporal. We haven’t lost each other. We haven’t lost the gospel. I have such a burning in my soul. If I had to live with out all these things for the rest of my mortal life so that my husband and I could continue to grow spiritually, and so that we could always truly have an “eye single to the glory of God”, I would do it. I know one desire that has always been mine is that I never wanted to be distracted from my purposes and goals here in this earth life. I truly want to build my treasures in heaven. I am ok with struggles. I am ok with being humbled. It isn’t necessarily always easy, but the things you learn. The insights, the blessings, the peace and the love of my heavenly Father always out weigh the momentary sadness I feel during a trial. I want to live with my Heavenly Father again. I want to be worthy to stand in the presence of my Savior and I really will do whatever it takes here in this earth life to do that.

An Answer

I have spent many hours in prayer asking my heavenly Father to help me see who I am. Who I am through his eyes. Today as I sat up on the stand substituting for a primary teacher during the sacrament program I saw it. So clearly was brought to my mind a part of my patriarchal blessing. I have read it a million times but never like this moment had I connected to it. I could see what my purpose was, for now at least :) I could see what the Lord sees in me. I would share it but it so personal. It was beautiful moment though. I felt invigorated and excited for the opportunity to improve on something that I didn't even realize was with in me. I probably will never be famous for it, and no one will probably ever know, but it doens't bother me because the most important person will know. I love that prayers are answered. I know every time my heart talks to my Father in heaven he is there. He hears me. And he always answers.

Gratitude

I am grateful for:

Second chances

my scriptures

the temple

Aspen

Alora

my baby Ray

Lelec - Alexa

my Ray of sunshine

prayers

unanswered prayers

miracles

holding my kids close at night when they are asleep

fall

football

TEXAS

books

daisies

crayons

homeschooling

mashed potatoes

home cooked meals

music

wipes

diapers that don't leak

Target

lakes

thunderstorms

porch swings

horses

farms

soccer

playing soccer with my husband

That would be a "NO"

So I wanted to post today about the lesson I taught on Sunday and about the birthday party for my nieces, but instead I am posting about the job we didn't get. My husband came in this afternoon for lunch with an envelope in hand and tears in his eyes. We didn't get the job. We did get a personal letter instead of a format letter, but that really doesn't change what is. We cried together for a minute, and then we agreed to not let it bother us, relatively speaking. It is still discouraging. Probably more for my husband than for me. It is interesting to me what having no money does to a person. Now I think sometimes in life we casually use the excuse we have no money in regards to family vacations, a wardrobe change, to repaint or replace fixtures or appliances in a home. I have a new appreciation for no money. It is something that I don't know that I ever would have really appreciated until now. While words typed can convey one image, it is important that whoever reads this knows I am not bitter. I am sad. My whole world has changed. I feel angry sometimes. But at the end of the day I have my testimony. I am not sure what the Lord needs us to learn from all of this. I hope I learn it. I hope that I can be patient.

Peace

I can only attribute the peace I feel to the Lord. I am not sure really when the anxiousness dissipated but I do feel much better. I am still hopeful. But I don't feel so desperate. I know the Lord will take care of us. I know that either we will get the job in Utah County or this Home Depot thing will turn around and be more profitable for us. As I was praying about it, I realized it wasn't necessarily that I or Ray wanted out of the job we have. We just need a better income, a more steady income. I still don't know the how, but I have peace with the "storm".

Anxious

Have you ever been so anxious about something that your stomach was tight and you kinda held your breathe? Yesterday Ray had a REALLY great job interview. The job would take us down to Utah County which is where most of his family is and it would be a steady decent salary. I didn't realize how stressed I was about the Home Depot job until this interview went so well. This summer has been hard. Doable, but lots of learning. I don't like having to 'lean' on the church. I appreciate the help it has been. We would be homeless and starving on our way to live with Raym's parents probably if it wasn't for the help we have gotten. It is has been hard for me because my husband has been gone a lot like a man might be for a normal job only to make $200 in a week. Is it bad that I don't want this any more? I long to be able to go to the store and get what we need with out wondering or analyzing if we really need it or could we make something work in its place. I know how much I can live with out now. I definitely have come to a new level of appreciate for lots of things. But I feel guilty for feeling so desperate inside. I don't want to be poor. I don't want to stress anymore about how to pay for things when there is no money. On Sunday we are celebrating our nieces's birthday (two of them have the same birthday). I was asked to bring fruit salad. No biggy, except that my first thought was about the money. I want to make it. I love helping out with meals. But I have this fear that we will need that money. I want to find it in myself to have that perfect faith. Ray has been a great strength in helping me to remember the blessings we have been given that have promised that we would be taken care of. I know the Lord will, but sometimes I get caught up in the how. We are praying. Will you pray for us? Will you pray that I will be patient with whatever the Lord's will is? And will you, with me, ask the Lord to let us have this job?

It speaks for itself

http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/commentary/the-divine-institution-of-marriage