Snow Day Saturday

My neighbor Emily is just so wonderful. Last Saturday it snowed A LOT. I was shoveling my driveway and along came this lovely girl. She told me to hold on a second and she would be back to shovel for me. She shoveled this neighbors driveway (first picture below) and a several others along with mine, and also shoveled some sidewalks. She is just great! Then she took the kids on sled rides pulling them with her four wheeler. It was definitely a hit with the kids :) Even Alexa got a ride.

Alexa Nicole

My baby will very shortly no longer by my 'baby'. She is growing fast. And I just love her!!!

We were visiting with the fam when she commandeered this car seat. Yes she forcibly removed, or at least attempted too, her 11 month old cousin so that she could lie in it and reminisce of the good ol' days of riding in an infant car seat. She covered herself with the blanket and requested the sippy cup and then rocked herself and hummed a little tune (really she hummed to herself). It was awesome!

Alexa one day got out of the crib. I was curious how she did it so I put her back in and watched as she climbed out onto this dresser, and then was starting to turn around to let herself fall off. I stopped her, first for her own safety and second so I could take this picture. She reminded me of how Aspen used to do the very same thing. We have since moved the dresser and for now she has resolved to stay in the crib.

If you are wondering about the lack of decorations in her room. Well, her and baby Ray are sharing a room again, and I don't really decorate his room. If you know him, you know it is just better that way for the decorations sake :)

Houses

I love houses!!! I love big houses :) I could live in a castle. My favorites really are Chatsworth and a house in Lyme Park, both are in England, both were used as a representation of Pemperly in the Pride and Prejudice movies. I saw this one below on a realtor site. Isn't it amazing. I love the pillars and the lawn. The other pictures are of homes next to or near the Draper temple. The homes up there are beautiful, and actually most of them for sale :) I will have to wait till they are on clearance (a wink to you my dear friend Beckie) before I can buy one. The last one I have pictured I just loved! My kids did too. I went up to it to look in the windows. It was very nice I must say. Very fancy. It had video surveillance. I waved :)

Draper Temple Open House

January 15th was Aspen's 8th birthday. We made reservations specifically for that day to go the Draper Temple Open house. It was beautiful of course. The kids loved it. I loved it. It was such a beautiful thing to be able to walk through there with all of my children.

This is Alora with her cousins, Hannah and Chloe

Ray's Mom came with us. She brought Stephanie's three older girls, Sunny, Hannah and Chloe.

There were refreshments in the stake center next to the temple. It was so beautifully decorated. I took pictures of the whole gym because I thought it was so amazing. My kids loved the desserts...brownies and cookies.

A question from Aspen

First. I do have pictures....On my camera :) I do plan on downloading them...one day :) For now I will share with you a question and a statement (each done at different times) Aspen said to me. Tonight while they were eating dinner (my feeding schedule is a bit off from theirs right now) she asked me how to find joy in work? That'll freeze a mom right up. I mean I talk to my kids about finding joy in work, that not everything in life is about fun. I am not sure that I would have ever thought one of them of was internalizing it. She told me she could find joy in farm work, but not helping around the house. We talked about that finding joy in work didn't necessarily mean that you liked what you did, but that you found joy in doing the right thing. The conversation went on a bit, but I was impressed with her ability to talk with me and understand what I was saying. On another occasion which I don't recall exactly when she came to me with a puzzled look. I do know we had been to the temple open house in Draper. She said "Mommy, sometimes I feel like there is more to the temple than just going, that there is more than I can understand here on earth." What do you say that? This kid I tell ya. We talked of course, to the best of my abilities. Talking about this just reminds of times when she has floored me when she was so young. When she was three she brought in a picture of the Savior sat it on the desk and looked very seriously into my eyes and said "He is coming back, you know that..right?" she paused for a moment and then left. When she was about 19 months old we were living in PA and we drove down to Dulas airport (Washington DC) to pick up my brother-in-law. I had one of the young women in our ward with us and she had never seen the DC temple. We had pictures up of the temple in our home, but I hadn't said anything to Aspen yet about them, in my naivety I hadn't thought she wasn't old enough to understand. When we pulled in she pointed to it and said with such excitement "Jesus house, Jesus house". It was a very humbling moment for me. Moments with her often are. I learn so much from her. From all of my kids. I fear they teach me more about the gospel, and what it really means than I teach them. I have often thought that becoming a parent isn't so much about what you have to offer a child, but that it is an opportunity for us to learn from what these children have to offer us.

Lots happening!

So let's see where to begin. I am feeling better and better everyday. I am only sick when I get too hungry or eat the wrong thing. Which that kind of thing sticks around for most the pregnancy. We have a part time job. If you will recall Ray was working for Home Depot for a bit, but he stopped that in December because we thought we were opening the jiu-jitsu academy in January. Did I ever tell you about the academy? A friend had offered to help open it, but he just didn't have the funds ready when it came time. Raym got a blessing from the Bishop and he was told to continue on the path he was on, but to keep an open mind that things might not happen the way we were planning. Okay so we knew we were going to the right direction trying to open the school. We were looking for some work until we could get it opened. We were praying about how to get money to open it. And the most exciting thing we had no money. There for a few weeks we literally had no money. It really isn't as scary as you think. Ray's parents came in town to help with Stephanie's new baby and family. They were generous enough to offer some money to carry us for a bit. We sold some more stuff...random stuff really that people bought off Ebay. But during that time I felt so peaceful. I have felt peaceful really this whole time. I have always known the Lord knew my family's needs exactly, and he has provided for those exactly. About three weeks ago I was lieing on the couch while Raym put the kids to bed and I had the clearest thought, if Ray went away in the military for a few months I would be ok, I could handle it. The thought did not linger, it came and went. The next day Ray was at the skate park our friend runs who was going to help open the school, and an Army recruiter came in to drop off stuff for the park. When Ray came home he tossed a shirt at me with the Army logo and off the cuff said "maybe I should join". I said okay, which stopped him dead in his tracks. I shared with him the thought I had the night before. We prayed about it. And the next day he went in and told them he wanted to join the reserves. That next week he swore in and went through all the processing stuff. He will leave on April 8th for basic training. It lasts 9 weeks. Right after that though he will have AIT (advance individual training). They will let him come home for the birth of the baby for two weeks and then he will go back and finish up. So in all I will be a single parent for 4 to 5 months. This whole thing would be hard if I hadn't already had a confirmation that at the time I hadn't realized was a confirmation. In the reserves they serve one weekend a month and two weeks a year, after his basic training and AIT. It will definitely be helpful for the business because he wanted to teach hand to hand combat, and work with the police departments, SWAT, and the military. And with the 'bonus' money we get from joining we can use some of it to open the business, it will help pay for Ray's school (he is getting his master's), and open up client possibilities. On Tuesday he was asked to work for Missionary Mall in Layton, originally they wanted him to manage the store but because he will be gone for so long they asked if he could work part time until he goes. So we are still poor :) But poor with direction. I like how my life is going. The Lord is rebuilding our lives one small step at time. I love that the Lord is never in as big a hurry as we are. I learn a lot from that. He knows that we are supported solely just about by the church. Our food, our basic bills and housing. And I know that he is ok with it, he is ok with us being exactly in the situation we have been in. If he wasn't our lives would have gone in a different direction. We have been so prayerful every step of the way. I am sure there are some along the way who have thought we "should" do this or we "shouldn't" do that. Thank goodness they aren't making the decisions. My life, if you know me very well at all :) has never gone the way anyone has ever thought it "should". The Lord's way are so much higher. I know that soon (that could be a whole year from now) we will back in business. We will be able to pay our own bills. We will be able to sustain ourselves. I also know that that is when the real test will begin. What will we do with our money? What will we do to show the Lord our gratitude for what he has done for us? How will we repay him? How we will make sure we always remember where real success comes from? I must say though, I love that by this years end the Lord will have done so much more with our life, so long as we constantly turn it over to him, than we ever could with out him.

I feel good...Oh I feel so good!!!

Oh the joy of cleaning ones house. Truly! I have felt so LAZY...laying there all the time waiting for the next round of vomiting. But the Lord has saw fit to have mercy on my soul and body. I started a regime of Zofran and Phenergan (sp?) in the evening followed up with Melatonin to help me sleep. These past three days I have been waking up feeling great! I have been scrubbing and organizing and getting my house back into shape. I still feel a little nauseous in the evenings, but I can handle that. I can drink water by the gulps again :) It is so nice. I am praying that this lasts. I am grateful to be pregnant, and by no means am I complaining about being sick due to the baby. However it does get to be a struggle after a couple of months of lying around and throwing up all the time.

Ray and I have some interesting news that I can only wet your palette with at this point. He has joined the Army Reserves. Yes you read that right. Details are to follow. Happy curiosity :)

He Loves Me

I loved this background because of what it said. "He Loves Me". "He" does. Well the three most important "He's". First my Father in Heaven and my Savior. And then my most wonderful husband. Our trip to Texas was an emotional trip for me. I found that though I have been 'healed' from the abuse and the resulting scars I continue to be healed on a deeper level. When I was there I remembered things, but not the physical, I remember the spiritual/emotional things. I remembered and "saw" myself as a little girl. Things really were as bad as I thought. I really was sad. But I 'saw' something else. The Lord had been taking care of me from the beginning. There is a syndrome often found in dysfunctional families. An emotional paralization (is that a word). One can become afraid to change, afraid to "leave" behaviors and feelings for fear of the physical and emotional distance it could place between them and their families. The Lord protected me from that, so to speak. My sexual abuse as a child began when I was a toddler. I believe because of my young age and the frequency of the abuse I dissociated to the point of not emotionally connecting to my parents or any family members. I loved them, but I don't remember having the feeling I couldn't live with out my family. I actually remember quite the opposite. I knew I was different than them, and I knew wanted to be different. I was honestly an awkward kid. I felt alone, but looking back I was not alone. My Savior was with me the whole time. Because of my lack of 'attachment' to my mother especially, I was able to start 'leaving' before I ever left. I remember knowing what was happening in my home was not right. I knew that life could be better. I knew I could be better, I could be different. I remember leaving for Utah. I wasn't sad to leave. I was relieved. I wasn't sure what exactly I was determined to do but I was determined never to be like them. I actually don't remember much of that first year. I ended up back in Texas because of depression. I left for Utah again ten months later. The interesting part for me is that I actually wasn't getting 'better'. I was in pretty bad shape. I was so lost emotionally, or so it seemed to everyone but the Lord. I was in his hands. I made really bad choices. I walked down some really lonely dark paths. I wandered. But I was looking. For something. For an answer. For understanding. I never forgot my Heavenly Father. I prayed a lot. Even with my inactivity from church, I never was inactive from the Lord. I didn't know how to not be broken. I know he knew that. He knew I wanted to change, and that I would. So he very carefully led me down a path that would ultimately bring me to my Ray of sunshine. I told Ray at some point during our dating time just how broken I was hoping to scare him away. Didn't work. It didn't seem to bother him. He has only been a blessing in my life. Even with the challenges presented to us this past year, I count him a blessing. He could have probably handle those years prior to my healings a bit better, but ultimately he handled them. He didn't leave. I have said this many times before but he went through so much with me. The hospital stays, the overdoses, me literally losing my mind, me not being able to take care of our children and having to stay with someone or taking them to someone else, mood swings from hell (quite literally), suicidal ideations, me pushing him away emotionally and physically. The emotional uncertainty of a crazy wife. I can refer to myself as crazy...I lived it! He never left. He never threatned to leave. And here we are...$24 in the bank. No job. Patiently waiting for funds to open the academy. I have been so sick with this pregnacy and with a cold this past few weeks/months. He has had to do everything. The house, the kids, me. He has never complained. Yep never. He huffs maybe, but never complains. All because HE LOVES ME!!!! Yesterday I felt good for at least 6 or 7 hours. He helped me clean...REALLY clean the kitchen, living room and school room. Today he is cleaning my room :) and he will probably fold the laundry. I am bossy. I am sometimes a bit over passionate....overbearing. He loves those things about me. He loves my weaknesses, my strengths, everything. And I believe it. I couldn't see it for so long, or maybe couldn't believe it? The other day I was so exhausted, but I needed to read my scriptures. I needed that 'nourishment'. I told the Lord I need to hear from him, to feel of the spirit. The Lord often speaks to me through my scriptures, leading me to one that I need right then whether it be a question posed from him or a statement. I was led to a scripture in 3 Nephi 12. Old things are done away, and all things have become new. I have felt that. I am new. My husband is new, and becoming newer :) When leaving Texas I felt myself saying good-bye to the past. Good-bye to all that once was, hello to a new future. The book is closed, it is all done. Recognizing and excepting my husbands unconditional love for me has been one of the culminating moments. I feel free to move on, to let him love me, to let my children love me, to let people love me. I feel free to love and live. I am not afraid of 'falling' (see link) anymore. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior which ultimately brought me to this point. I am who I am, I am where I am because of my Savior Jesus Christ.

Pics from Texas

The pictures are out of order :) These first few were taken in my Grandma's backyard. Ray was sword fighting with the kids.

I love this little boy!!!

She LOVES dirt! She was so happy to be digging and playing in it.

We took the kids to the East Texas Oil Museum. Love that place. You can click here to learn what it is all about, and they actually have some better pictures of the inside. They have a cool elevator that takes you to the center of the earth, almost. Aspen questioned its validity :) she said we would melt if we went to the center.

My friend Josh Ritter, who owns several horses, let us all go horseback riding. The kids loved it because he rode with them instead of just walking the horse around. As Aspen said it was 'real horseback riding, not baby horseback riding'. I rode too. I would post a picture of me on the horse, but I had to seek counseling myself after seeing the picture. You never look so fat as you do when you are up on horse, it squishes all the goods out for all to see. But I would get on that horse a million times over pictures or not for that FEELING. I wish I would have had longer. It takes a minute to find your rhythm. I will have horses one day, and I will ride all over these beautiful mountains. In the meantime I am grateful to friends who let me ride. The property the horses were at was just beautiful. There is a picture of the property that I when I took it I told Ray that when I am out on land like that, that is where I feel at home. There is something just so peaceful to me about a beautiful landscape and horses.

We put Alexa in her car seat during the festivities because we forgot the stroller. She was such a good sport she feel asleep :)

Oh the exciting car ride :) I am so scarred I believe it will be several decades before I EVER drive further than hour or so away from home. We were going down a hill so the kids put there hands in the air. They call hills roller coasters :)

The storm we had to drive through the morning we left.

Just a cute picture.

Home

Well we are home. Safe and sound. The drive both ways was so not fun for me. Our first day driving back I vomited the whole day. LOTS of FUN!!!! We got home Sunday (Dec 28th) night. Ray's parents came over Monday. We then drove down to Utah county to spend the next four days there. Tuesday (Dec 30th) was Alora's birthday, I will post on that later. I truly experienced a miracle on her birthday because from about 11AM to 9PM I only felt mildly nauseous. I tried to stay up till midnight for New Year's but at about 15 minutes till midnight I had to go to sleep because my body just could not take it anymore. I love that when you are pregnant you can go to bed at 8PM and sleep until 7 or 8AM the next morning and then still need a nap :) That is how my days usually go. I just don't always get the nap. Well usually I am sitting with the kids and I nod off and then I am woken up. I feel so out of it. Sometimes I feel in touch my mental facilities and other times I feel as if they have been taken over or maybe depleted. So please forgive me as my post will probably be sporactic. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and that you are well and finding health and happiness in the beginning of this new year!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Merry Christmas Y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!

a picture just isn't a good picture if you don't have a camping trailer in the back :)

Thoughts on love

How do you love? How do you love others?

When I was growing up my Mom told people how awful I was as a teenager. I am not sure the exact things she told them but I know she said them, I would be approached with "your mom was saying...", and sometimes I was lucky enough to hear her say it in front of me. The adults that knew me especially in church saw me through her eyes and never stopped to ask or find out what was really going on. I wasn't an angel by any means but I was no heathen or true "rebellious" child. In fact I didn't really do anything that every other teenager didn't do in our little town, so actually I was probably 'normal'. But something about how my mother portrayed me to so many affected how they saw me and how they ultimately "loved" me. Or at least I felt that way because of the way they treated me and how they talked to me. Fast forward to my time in Utah. I became inactive shortly after moving to Salt Lake in 1997. I had been active in Texas. I do remember having the feeling I wasn't missed at church. I found security in other things, worldly things. I got off track, but I never stopped praying, no matter how far off track I got. But no one came looking for me. Not until I moved to Orem in 1998. I lived alone in an apartment on Main Street and 8th North. Not too long after moving there this lady came knockin' at my door. She introduced herself as Chris Marshall, the relief society president. My first thought..."I am not your charity project" " I will not be a number you can check of your list". I wasn't real nice to her. Save the single lady going down the devil's path, I thought. I almost became determined to not go back because for me it was not about you, I was going to come back when I was ready. She came every month, sometimes twice in one month. Just to say hi. Sometimes she would bring bread, or some kind of treat. I moved from that aparment in September 1999. I think I went to church once maybe twice when living there. When I moved a relationship I had been for two years ended. The moving and the break up opened up an opportunity to get back to church. I went back because I wanted to. I wanted to change. No one noticed I was new, but it didn't matter to me because I wasn't there for them. I met Ray at some point during this transition and the rest is history.

My point in telling you this is today I was thinking about the stories I have been hearing while I have been here, and the things I have seen with my own eyes. If you had met me on my road of life so far off course how would you have loved me? Would you visit me every month faithfully whether I was nice to you or not, and whether or not I did ever show up at church? Would I be your charity project? Would you know if I stopped coming to church? Would you let me go b/c there were more obvious feel good moments of service to be a part of? What if I smoked? drank? lived with someone and was not married? what if I had a tattoo? what if I was every thing you never wanted to be in manner of speach, dress, and actions? would you avoid me for fear that some how your association with me would taint your precious reputation? You...those who are reading this now...didn't know me then...you don't know if I might have been some, none, or all of these things I have proposed in these in questions...yet you love me. But would you have loved me the same way then? Would you have sought me out? Those of you who helped me in Boston during that year after baby Ray was born when I was in and out of hospitals. Would you have been that kind of friend if I wasn't going to church, or didn't meet your standards of worthiness?

I am who I am because of my Savior Jesus Christ. But he loved me through people. Through people like Chris Marshall and others. Those people loved me when I was probably the most unlovable, most irresponsible. They the loved the part of me that could be.

We live in a time a convenience. Life is relatively easy if you think of it. We have our nice pretty comfort zones. Comfort zones aren't all bad. But there is one I challenge you to come out of. There is some one out there that needs your unconditional Christ like love, and it probably is the person you would least expect that you would have anything ever to do with. Ask the Lord with real sincerity, with a real willingness to be led to that person who just needs your Christ like love. They may already be at church, they might belong to a different church and maybe not to one at all. Don't make it about baptism, or conversion, or even a project. Make it about love. Love them with all your heart the way the Lord would if he was standing in your place. I don't believe our actions have to be grand or even noticeable to the naked eye, they just have to be sincere. That is when a life is changed. When you listen because you want to care. When you hug because you want them to feel the warmth of a good hug. When you give because you really have no thought of reward. I know so many of you do this already, but I am asking you to do more. We have to. Once you feel like you are doing good, then you gotta reach a little higher. There are so many out there that need to feel the love of our Savior. He reaches them through us.