Arizona Immigration Law. I agree with it. I support it and I applaud it. Have you ever traveled outside of our country? Have you ever been to Mexico? Did you know that any where you go outside of the United States of America you must bring proof of your identification and your citizenship everywhere you go? What is wrong with us requiring the exact same thing of others? Yes the Mexican population is being "targeted" if you will, but there are more of them here illegally. And they keep coming. Why are they appalled at the idea of having to present proper identification? We have to in their country. If you have nothing to hide then there shouldn't be a problem. I read an article on foxnews.com where a woman mentions how hard it would be to always have to keep up with that kind of stuff. How 'bout you try that one on in Egypt, Kuwait, India, or even China? You keep up with what will keep you out of jail. She also mentioned they already fear the police. Because you are here illegally. Only the guilty are fearful. We can not be a country where we tolerate this type of manipulation. They have had a free ride for a long time and they don't want it interrupted. I remember hearing on the news that the law would have to answer the questions about children who were born here and if the parents are deported then what about the children. You are going to think me harsh, but if we start making loop holes for these sensitive situations then we will have no law. In other countries they would tell you to either leave with the child or with out but either way you would be leaving. We have to stand up at some point and say 'no more'. We will be run over by other countries if they realize that we can't stand up and protect our borders. We are a free country, but freedom comes with a cost. We are not a host country. You can not come here and set up camp with all your free loading friends and think yourself free from all laws of the land. So some feelings get hurt because they have to go back home. Well work hard and do what so many from other countries do and earn your way here. This law was not set up to be unkind, it was set up to protect our country. Our tax dollars are paying for them, they "steal" jobs because they will be paid under the table tax free, and that type of lifestyle breeds violence, drug abuse and sales, and an all over disruptive environment. It was never said that we don't like them, or that Arizona doesn't want Mexicans. Arizona just doesn't want illegals. What if people were just allowed to move into your house and take which ever room they wanted, eat your food, wear your clothes but you couldn't report it or make a stink because there was no law protecting you and your rights. Arizona is trying to set up a law to do just that. They are trying to set up something that will make it harder for them to live at ease in that state and hopefully soon any others. Can you feel my passion? I hope that this law in its full extent will one day be passed, that someone will wake up and realize that we are the only country in the world that does not allow our police to ask for proper proof of citizenship.

I love being at home. I love being with my kids. I love my life.

My kids asked first thing Monday morning if we could start school. Yeppers! They love school. Which is something I want and it makes me feel joyful that they are so ready. I was however hoping for a couple more weeks before I really had to have a routine and be disciplined. I love summer for that reason, no school on the brain. We all sleep in. Okay I am the only one who sleeps in at this point, but I dream of the day that there are more that do. My brain gets to relax and just kick back and not think.

I had been praying to know what to do for curriculum this year now that I will have three in school. I wanted something that I could use for everyone and supplement for the older ones. Who knew that a salesman would show up the day I had been pondering on it most, with the perfect thing. So I purchased two different sets of books. Aspen has already started "studying". She will know it all before I even start school I fear.

I didn't always plan on homeschooling. In fact my only opinion of it 10 years ago was that it was weird and the families that did it were even weirder :) When Aspen was 7 months old we were visiting family in Utah, we lived in PA at the time. There were these kids who were about to perform on the piano and violin. Their ages ranged from 11 to 5. I mentioned how incredible that was and how articulate they were, and someone says "yeah AND they are HOMESCHOOLED". That seemed so strange to me. Weren't they supposed to be dressed in flooded pants with awkward hair do's? and shy and just weird? But they weren't. And then I was introduced to Ray's Aunt LaRee, the mother of these incredible children. I asked lots of questions. I loved her answers.

She started homeschooling because her of oldest Auroa. She was a busy bee, what we call a spirited child. One with more energy, insight and creativity than your average bear. LaRee after much prayer and thought realized that this child would not make it in the traditional school system. Auroa needed to be able to move at her pace, not to be confined to boundaries defined by a system set up for the general population. I was inspired by LaRee has I heard her speak of the books she read, what she learned about how children really learn, and the importance of providing an inspiring atmosphere that would encourage the love of learning.

I had her write down the books she read and I went home and promptly purchased them all. I read them and could not get enough of what I was reading. I wanted to homeschool. I prayed about it and felt like it would be the right thing. Now mind you Aspen was at this point 9 months old when I determined to do this. Ray was not sure how he felt about it, telling me to wait until she was 5 before get ahead of myself. His Dad especially thought the whole thing to be ludicrous, he had very strong opinions against the whole thing. But I KNEW what I felt and I knew I was going to homeschool.

When Aspen was about 13 months old something happened :) She began throwing herself from her crib. Climbing everything. Dumping everything. Nothing was safe. She ran away from us soon as her feet touched the ground. She was spirited. LaRee sent me the book "Raising Your Spirited Child", to help me see Aspen in a more positive light. I knew she was not going to be a boxable kid.

I continued to move forward with my hopes of homeschooling. Purchasing puzzles, books, games and such to build my homeschool library. When she was three we started "preschool". And the rest is history really.

The fall of 2006 I was pregnant with Alexa and very sick. One day I knelt in prayer about something and felt a very strong impression to send Aspen to public school. My heart sank. Why would the Lord have me do this? I had Ray give me a blessing and the Lord said my impression was right and that I needed to follow it. So I did. I cried when I registered her. It was the last week in October, so school had well been underway. I remember the lady at the desk remarking that so many try to homeschool and do the same as me and realize that the public school is just better. No crazy lady!!! You are wrong, I am only doing this because the Lord told me to. I couldn't really say that, especially in Boston, so I just cried hoping to one day understand the purpose of this request. I met with the teacher who told me that teaching was not meant to be done by parents.....???????????? DON'T even get me started on that one. Again I kept my mouth shut and stuck to yes or no answers. Aspen was only in for six weeks. She cried everyday. She felt that all she did was stand in line and have to wait her turn. She couldn't ask questions like she wanted to and she had to wait for everyone else before moving on to the next thing. When I went in for the parents conference meeting thing the teacher asked me what I had been doing with Aspen. Uh, teaching her, why? Well apparently Aspen was ahead of the class. She knew her numbers well passed 20, could write her whole alphabet and read some words. The class was on the number 15 let's say, and had just begun the word ending "at". She felt Aspen to be bored and discouraged because she already knew what was being taught and wanted to draw instead. Thank you very much! Now what was that about you knowing better how to teach my child, Miss Teacher lady?

At some point Aspen got the flu and had to stay home from school for several days. She remarked to me how she never wanted to go back. So I prayed and asked the Lord if I could keep her home. She has been homeschooled since. Ray loved the part about Aspen being ahead of the class and never again has a had a negative thing to say about homeschooling.

I have a very strong opinion about homeschooling. So many say to me how they could never do it because they don't have the patience, or their kids don't listen or they couldn't stand to be with their kids all day. I don't homeschool because I am patient, or because my children always listen, or because it never gets hard being on call 24/7. I homeschool because I prayed about it. I wanted to know if this was what the Lord wanted for my family. I knew and I know everyday that he will give me the tools and perspective I need to accomplish this. It is not easy, but anything worthy having or learning or experiencing is not easy. When I am done with my journey here in this earth life, I want to be able to look back and see that I got in it and I lived. I don't want to look back see how comfortable I was here on earth, I want to see my blood, sweat and tears surrounded by the joy of working really hard.

If you have had thoughts about homeschooling I would encourage to pray about it. Read about it and be willing to do what the Lord might need you to do for your children. It isn't requisite for everyone. But know that if it is the path the Lord would have you take, he will not leave the path unprepared, and the he will give you the strength necessary to accomplish it.

I feel better now. I talked. And then I talked some more. It was a therapy session for free. I have a friend. :) A very dear friend. I met her almost ten years ago. I was pregnant with Aspen. She had loads of baby girl clothes to give away and I believe someone told her about me or told me about her. Anywho. The first time we talked I think we talked for two hours. And it pretty much has been that way ever since. We both have moved all over the country staying in contact, and now we are both settled here in Utah, but I got here first ;) We both homeschool. Not a needed for a friendship, but it has been a blessing. We are able to call each other when we forget why we do it, get discouraged or remember why we do it and just have to share. It is one of those friendships that if we go a month with out talking we truly can just pick up right where we left off. The best part of conversing with this dear friend is that I ALWAYS feel better after talking with her. We share insights and motivating happenings in life. I cashed in today, however, my "therapy session" card. It felt so good to talk about my trip to TN. It was hard for me. I felt lonely and judged and like some how I was wrong for being me. I feel better though now. I feel heard. The great thing about my dear friend, let's call her Beckie :) is that if I am wrong about something she will tell me. I like that kind of honesty. She is encouraging, inspiring, funny and offers the fluffiness that I lack in my life. And for the record her name is Beckie, but that isn't her birth name, just something else I like about that girl :)

I have been here in Tennessee for almost two weeks. Okay 10 days. But it feels like a month. This trip has been very hard for me. I know I am not the only one out there to struggle with family, but this experience has felt very lonely.

I wrote the previous post in my first couple of days here. I felt and continue to feel that there is this perfection box I am expected to exist in. I have felt cornered and judged for how I handle my children, myself and my life. I have felt scorned when I didn't do or say something just the right way. I have felt unaccepted and unloved.

My husband's family isn't mean by any definition. I just see life through different eyes than them.

One day I was asked why I don't try to do things to make a person happy. The way I communicate was interpreted as contentious and attacking. I was told that I needed to be nicer and try harder to make a person feel happy.

Oh goodness the Pandora's box that opened. One of the first lessons you learn in therapy is that you are NOT responsible for another person feelings. Cordial, kind, clear communication is essential in life. But walking on egg shells and saying what needs to be said so as to assure no hard feelings...that is abuse. Yes ma'am. Many would disagree, but I think that is because they want people to talk to them like that. They don't want to be offended, they don't want to hear anything bad or have their feelings hurt. They don't want to be wrong.

I went through five years of therapy to learn how to overcome an entire life of having to say something just the right way so that I wouldn't get beaten or slapped or abused in some way. I learned that people are responsible for their feelings. NOT me. I am responsible for the clear communication and kindness part. If someone doesn't understand or is offended by what I say it is their job to communicate that to me. It is not requisite that I try to interpret what they are feeling or thinking. That is dysfunction at its best. That is where manipulation and codependency is bread. We do NOT own each others feelings, we do NOT have to read minds.

People don't want to hear that someone else is not responsible for their feelings. We are in society plagued with emotional selfishness. "You take care of me, but I dont' have to take care of you". Or the other side of that is "I must take care of everyone and make sure they like me." Okay there are actually too many modes of thinking to post them all. Sufficeth to say we live in a society of emotional dysfunction.

My heart is just so full of emotion. My plea, my ache is for the women who walk on egg shells unneccesarily in fear of offending someone. Our Savior would not have you emotionally trapped in such a way. Speak. Speak freely. Speak kindly. Speak clearly. There are occasions in which it is better to keep quiet than to stir a hornets nest. Accept for those rare occasions, grab hold of your courage of the love you have for yourself and YOUR feelings and speak. If speaking your truest feelings is hard, or is something that you are not sure how to do then you must learn. I say must because it is essential that you speak your heart. You see when you hold back in life, you hold back in prayer. You hold back from the Lord. You hold back really in all aspects of your life.

Politically correct is NOT correct. YOUR feelings are correct. And there is a healthy way to communicate them. Yeah someone could get hurt or offended but that is their ball of goo to deal with. And vice versa. If you are or have been offended by something someone said then communicate that. We can not be so afraid of anger or sadness or even contention that we neglect our hearts. We will always disagree. Disagreement is a part of life. The learning part is not about never disagreeing, is about learning how to disagree, and how to communicate our feelings.

We have incorrectly defined perfection. We have given it a mortal description, mortal qualities. We have defined it as a pristine house that could come from a Pottery Barn catalog. We imagine that us as perfect is thin yet muscular with a always fresh from the salon hair-do. We speak in this tone, almost song like, always politically correct. We have put perfection in a box. We as mortals have attempted to define perfection which only exists in the eternities, and then we hold ourselves and everyone we come in contact with to that definition of perfection.

It is unfair.

First it is unfair to ourselves. Second to our "neighbors". And last, but most importantly it is unfair to our Savior. By predetermining in our minds what perfection is, we blindly move forward in our pursuit. We in essence have told our Savior what we need to become.

The scriptures contain the qualities necessary to become more like our Savior. We are counseled to be patient, kind, unselfish, and service oriented, and we think ourselves to be accomplishing it. But are we really? These qualities are personal and universal. We all need to be patient. But what is patient for one is not patient for another.

The cashier that huffed at you when your child kept knocking things off the stand. You thought her to be impatient, and quite possibly rude. What if that was being patient for her? What if her normal response is much more explosive and volatile? What if she felt good about her response because she finally was able to control her temper?

Think about times when you have been considered selfish or unkind, and in those moments you felt yourself to have handle things quite well, or to have been giving more than you normally could.

We have gone so far even to have burden mother's with societies definition of perfection. We have decided to be a perfect mother that a house need to look a certain way. We have determined the signs of a perfect mother are outwardly. If she is a perfect mother then we can see it. We judge the woman who loses control. We scorn the woman that doesn't speak to her children in that sing song tone. We assume that the mother with the cluttered house is neglecting her children, and either has too many or is overwhelmed by the ones she has. The irony is that we hold ourselves to these same silly standards. Not wanting any surprise visitors for fear of those same judgements if our house has been neglected or our children are not dressed for the runway at 10:30 in the morning.

Who cares? first of all. Who cares if someone learns the secret of your imperfections? Are you that fearful of your own reality? Are you really going to allow this imaginary definition of perfection to hold you hostage to your life?

Perfection is trying. Perfection is failure. Perfection is eternal. Perfection is us. Every day you wake up you are perfect. I know it seems a bit odd for me to define it after saying that we can't, but my point is that we are perfection because we are eternal beings. We aren't blocks of wood with sharp defined edges and hard surfaces. We are beautiful beings with deep emotions and endless possibilities.

What is your perfection? What can you perfect while here? We know I will not be a perfect house keeper. But maybe I can be perfect at hugging a person in need. My perfection lies in me breaking a chain of abuse and lies and dysfunction. I ended something for my posterity. My perfection lies in my reliance on my Heavenly Father. He shows me what my perfect is . He defines patience for me. He shows me what my service for others looks like. How I serve and how you serve will be different because we are different.

Stop putting each other in boxes. Stop putting Christ's qualities in a box. You define your Christ like qualities through him. It is personal not social. Read the conference talks. Read your scriptures. Then go to Him and ask Him how you can be those things. What the general authorities do and what you do will not be the same. Again, because you are not the same.

Set yourself up for success. Don't allow your mind to follow the assumed definition of any spiritual quality. Go to the Lord and ask him his definition for you. He longs for you to succeed and to feel successful. He knows your capabilities and your short comings, and he can use both to help you move forward in becoming more like him.

He sent us here to learn and to grow, but we can enjoy the journey. The pursuit of perfection wasn't meant to be burdensome. By finding joy in our imperfections we can actually make greater progress towards our individual perfectness.

The love of my life is home. Words can't describe the peace I feel when he is here. He just makes everything better. I was actually dropping Alora off at dance when he got home. We had been texting love notes since he landed. When I got back home I had a clean kitchen. Yes in just that short of time he can transform a kitchen. Give him a few more minutes and he can transform a whole house, which is actually what he is doing while I am typing this morning :) He loves me!!!

I am not feeling so discouraged with him home. It was hard to have him gone. I just didn't have the mental energy to keep up with all twenty kids. Okay that doesn't sound right. They were fed, bathed, hugged, loved. It was the constant organizational things. The follow through, I couldn't follow through making sure things got put away or cleaned up. So there are toys to be organized and beds to be made, laundry to be folded. We did manage to vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. I did that mostly to keep the health department away :)

I cried a huge relief cry after he called to say he was on the plane getting ready for take off. I wept really. I almost felt guilty for needing him so much. Then I realized he is my gift from Heavenly Father. He takes care of me. Not in an obligatory emotionless way like my mother did. He takes care of me, spoils me, because he loves me and I can feel it. He doesn't chastise me for not being better, for not being perfect. He knows house keeping doesn't come naturally to me, and most definitely does not come at all when I am pregnant, and yet he still loves me. I kinda wonder if he doesn't actually love that about me; that I can take on the world, but I can't keep a clean house :) (He just rescued me from a spider...on the wall across the room...a rescue non-the-less).

I am still sick (pregnancy), and really tired. I still feel like my brain cells are being snatched, used and returned empty and useless. But I feel hopeful today. I feel blessed. By this evening my house will be organized, cleaned and refreshed. We will later this week begin packing for our trek out east to Tennessee for his sister's upcoming nuptials. Life is good and it is always getting better.

I am losing my mind with this pregnancy. Really. I am not just saying that. This pregnancy is different. I have never felt the way I do. Sometimes I feel like I am dieing. I can see how that might sound crazy, but it is the truth. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Usually when I am pregnant I LOVE television or movies. As a family it is all we usually do for the first three months or so. Not so much right now, quite the opposite really. I turn it off, that and music. WHAT!! Yes I turn music off. Okay something is definitely wrong. Music is my life. From dawn until dusk I have music on. Primary music, classical, hip-hop, Celine Dion, my mixes....something. I have something on. I am too tired though. Mentally, physically... I am too tired to listen to music. I cry too. I cry a bazillion times a day because of how I feel. I never cry pregnant, unless it is a cotton commercial or watching the stories of the people who run the Iron Man. I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to "throw in the towel". I want to throw my hands up and say okay I am done. Ray seems to think that it is because he is gone. I have never been with out him in the beginning of a pregnancy. The end yes. Delivery yes. Beginning no. We are both hoping that once he is home and can assume all my responsibilities :) that I will feel better. I am looking forward to a blessing as well. Those always help clear my mind and give me perspective.

It was short lived relief. I should have known. It was wonderful though. Heavenly almost. I was able to keep food down for a full 24 hours. And then it was like a switch went, and my body didn't care about the consistent electrical pulses being sent to my brain. I lost it, literally, there wasn't much to lose but it was evidence enough that the band was no longer working. Oh well, there is always Zofran and Phenergan. My only vice really with those is how sleepy I get when taking them. Dead to the world sleepy. My kids did okay today though while I lay pasted out on the couch. They played on the floor beside me. My older ones said they knew I needed to sleep so they played with the little ones so I could rest. Good kids. Amazing really. Aspen loads the dish washer, Alora vacuums. Even baby Ray gets in on the action and "teaches" Alexa where to put her things. My house is still very much in disarray, but the husband comes home Monday night and he has promised to restore things to a more comfortable way.

Is it sad that I won't miss this part of my life? I have enjoyed being pregnant, giving birth, and being a mother of a wee one. But I won't miss this. I won't miss diapers. Will I? I will miss the smells, sounds and excitement of watching a little person grow. I won't miss being sick. I've had a good run. :) I never imagined feeling this way. Never wanting to be pregnant again. I have heard people say it and have wondered if I would ever feel that. Well here we are. Six pregnancies. I am okay with being done now. If the Lord tells me to have more then I will, but I don't want to do this sick thing any more. I am sure he understands. I know he does. The thing is really I feel done. I feel like everyone will be here. I think that is why I can't imagine doing it again. I feel like I am crossing another one of my life's finish lines. And I feel good about my "run".

PrimaBella!! Oh how I love thee!!! This sums it up!

I am missing my husband right now. LOTS! He is on what is called Annual Training(AT). It is his two weeks a year that must be done for Army Reserves. He is my best friend. I miss having him here to just sit by me. He isn't a talker, I fill that job :) But he is great at listening, kinda :) Really he just lets me be me and doesn't interfere. He makes everything better. When I have a rough day and the dishes don't get done, or the floor needs vacuuming, he just does it with out me even saying a word. My dishes need to be done, my floor needs a lot more than vacuuming and my laundry is winning the territory war on my bed. AND when I am pregnant and sick, he makes me breakfast and brings it to me in bed (because it helps to eat before I actually get up). He makes dinner, and puts the kids to bed and gets things ready for the next day. Really I am spoiled. I don't mind though :) I miss his hugs. I miss his smell. I miss him.

I forget every time just how tired I get with pregnancy. I forget that I spend so much time staring at walls not thinking. It is by some miracle that my children get fed. Thank you General Mills for making such a variety of cereals :) Most of the time I lay on the floor and Arwyn just crawls on me. She doesn't know I am sick and tired, she just likes having me on the floor as her personal jungle gym. The older girls are doing amazing. Today is Alexa's birthday. So they got up this morning and put up streamers and balloons and made a marshmallow cake for her, including sprinkles and a number 3 candle. We had birthday party for her last weekend before Ray left with a fancy cake and the family, so I thought the marshmallow cake was perfect. My house needs some desperate attention, of which I can't give it right now. I have to remind myself that in a couple of months I will be me again, for now I must embrace the crumbs, pieces of papers from who knows where, and parts of toys :) EVERY WHERE!! But if you want to come over and help I will not stop you ;)

Suicidal ideation. Basically it means your brain entertains the thought of suicide. I was remembering this morning a time when I struggled with that. Years actually. One particular moment I was recalling happened while I was staying with Ray's parents in Tennessee. Looking back I know I was on too many medications. Abilify, Wellbutrin, and I believe two others, one to help me sleep and another to help with anxiety. I don't readily recall the names. I am also very sensitive to medications so the dosage that I was at was way too high.

I remember laying in the bedroom of my sister in laws. I could see the plan perfectly in my head. I knew how I was going to die, how I could take my own life. I lay there paralyzed. I didn't want to get up because I was afraid that if I moved I would begin to take action. I was scared of myself. I laid there and cried and cried, I was aching for someone to help me. I wanted someone to reprogram my brain, to make the craziness go away. Ray's mom did finally come to check on me and all I could muster to say was "I need a blessing".

Sometimes I was asked if I thought I asked for "too many" blessings. Really??? Can there be too many? The Lord was my only ally, my only relief and my only hope. It was during those blessings that I could "see" an end to it all. I knew that if I hung on to him that I would survive my mental hell. I was told the same thing often in my blessings; to read my scriptures, to pray, to love my children, to serve and to have faith. So that is just what I did everyday. My service was too my children. Most of the time my brain was too scrambled to really be able to focus on reading, so I would stare at them and pray, or look for words that gave me hope.

Prayer. Oh I love prayer. I talked to Heavenly Father ALL day. I had too, or I knew I would die. Suicide was a predominate thought. I didn't want too, but my brain wanted too. It was overloaded with medication and too much that happened in one lifetime. It couldn't handle it all. I couldn't handle it. So I prayed.

I didn't know that I would eventually have a healing from the bi-polar disorder. The Lord had told me I would have another miracle, one that would evidence to my family of His hand. I thought that it would mean that I just would one day be able to function despite the darkness. So I hung on to that hope.

I did have suicide attempts, cries for help or attempts to run from the craziness that was my mind. I overdosed. I cut. I remember thinking with every time how I just wanted to sleep, I wanted relief. Some judged me, thinking that I was trying to get attention not understanding where my mind wasn't. Others required more from me emotionally, reminding me of the selfishness of the acts. That was more motivating, because I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I just wanted relief. Their disappointment motivated me. Judgments hindered me.

Many thought I just needed to "buck up", get outside and do something. It wasn't that simple. If you have never truly been depressed then you will never understand the power of the brain in that capacity. I wanted to get up, I wanted to not feel dark and hellish, but it wasn't me that was causing the feelings. It was environmental, situational and physical. It was a result of the things I had been through. I did try everyday, but my tries were not what the world would define as "try". My "try" was to look my children in the eyes and tell them I loved them and that they have a Heavenly Father who loved them. I wrote my testimony in my journal. I prayed.I asked for LOTS of blessings. I clung to my Savior. None of it was tangible, but it was real. My tries got me where I am today. I am grateful to my Savior who stood by me literally during my darkest hour. I believe really he carried me through so much of it. My plea to anyone and everyone is too not let the world tell you how to endure ANYTHING, ask the Lord how to do it. His way is more healing and more permanent. The Lord blessed me with inspired doctors and friends. Pray for discernment to know which of what is said to you is from him, and which is opinion. His way will never makes sense to the world, and you will find much opposition in following him, but you will also find permanent peace and healing. Pray for your friends and family who are suffering from depression or any mental illnesses. Pray to able to love them and to see them through the Lord's eyes. You could be an instrument in their healing.