I feel happy today. I feel hopeful. I think I could even say I feel excited about life. I know these feelings are a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I am going to need more of this in the months and even weeks to come.

Ray will be gone two to three weeks of every month until he leaves next July starting next month. He has been my greatest strength and stability during this pregnancy. He will only be gone for 12 days in December but at 8 months prego 12 days can feel like 12 months. The Lord has promised me help and I believe him.

That help may or may not be in the form of a person. He could provide me yet another miracle in my life where I have the energy and ability necessary to care for my children during that time. Or he could bless my children to be able to better help me and bless our lives that the time goes quickly and we don't feel the burden of having Ray gone. How the help comes does not matter to me I just look forward to once again seeing the hand of the Lord in my life.

I feel peaceful about Ray being gone so much. The Lord has said in one of my blessings that these trainings and Ray's deployment are the means to our relief from this financial distress. I have to trust that. Although it is hard for me to see exactly how all this will work together for our good I know that the Lord does not lie. He blessed me and carried me while Ray was gone last year, and I grew spiritually. I know the same can happen again this time. He will bless me and I will learn incredible wonderful things.

I don't think it will all be a cake walk and I know that there will be lots of moments where my heart will ache and I will long for comfort and relief from it all and to have my husband with me more. I also know though that it is in those moments when I will feel my Savior's love more strongly than any others. I know that it is in those moments when my testimony is refined and I grow.

I am not afraid of what is ahead because I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior will be there with me every step of the way. I am not afraid of what I don't know about when my baby will come, or where or when we will move because I know that the Lord already knows and when it is time I will know too. I am not afraid to hurt because in hurting I grow closer to my Heavenly Father because he is who I can turn to. I am not afraid of anything hard this mortal life might present to me because Jesus is the Christ and in Him I find my peace.

A year ago on November 12th my husband lay asleep and I was just dozing off. The next day he would be assisting his grandfather in shooting the cows to be butchered. I was to meet a friend for lunch at her house with my kids.

I don't remember falling asleep necessarily but I do remember seeing in my mind my minivan rolling over and over with my children and I in it on the freeway. I sat up in bed. I didn't feel scared. My thoughts turned towards my heavenly Father. I felt impressed to write a note to Ray, a good bye note. So I did. I cried but I felt so peaceful. I told him how much I loved him and why I loved him. I told him if I died what I wanted done with the kids and such. I told him that if he was reading it that it was because I died in a car crash the next day in which the van flipped. I went to sleep promptly after.

I don't remember dwelling on it. In fact I slept fine. When I awoke the next morning to nurse Arwyn I was overcome with emotion. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. Ray had already left. I sat there with my baby sobbing. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to miss any of her life or my other children. I prayed. I read my scriptures and I talked openly with God. I told him if I had a choice then I wanted to live. I told him that I had not yet born my testimony sufficiently like I wanted to and that I wasn't done being a mother. I told him that I wanted to be the one to raise my children and teach them the gospel and the things of life. At one point that morning I concluded to not go, almost in that instant I heard a 'voice' in my mind declare " Do Not interfere with the will of the Lord". It was strong and undeniable. I would never and will never go against the Lord, so I continued to prepare to leave and prayed mightily.

I cried as I helped each of my children get ready. With each one I pleaded more fervently for the Lord to allow me to stay with them.

We got in the van and headed off. I turned on my "Greater Than Us All" cd and kept praying. I prayed with a sense of urgency those first 30 minutes of the trip, it was to be an hour long drive. I remember feeling like I had done all that I could. I had shared with the Lord my honest desires of wanting to stay with my children, and of wanting to continue to share my testimony, now I had to let go and trust him.

In that moment that I had "let go" I remember seeing this red car following too closely to another and thinking it a waist of time. 'Just go around them' was my thought. That 'red car' would later be the car that would hit me. I was on the free way and in the fast lane next to the HOV.

A bit further down the freeway I looked in my mirror to see if anyone was in the HOV. All clear. I signal and move to that lane. I glanced up at the mirror and see this car moving quickly so I tap my brakes to signal I am not going as fast. The car instead sped up and in that instant I knew he was going to hit us.

I swerved into the other lane to try to avoid being hit and braced for impact. It all happened in what felt like slow motion. He rammed the van on the left rear side. All the windows in the back and sides blew out upon impact. I felt the van rock side to side as my hands clung to the steering wheel. My children were screaming and crying.

After making contact he continued forward at the same speed right past me. I remember turning my head and seeing his face as he looked coldly forward as if nothing even happened.

I don't remember driving to the side of the road. I don't remember even getting out of my van. I just remember feeling so numb. Immediately my mind began rehearsing the accident. We were supposed to flip. I felt it. I knew it was coming, I braced for it but we never did.

I stood there crying as people were asking me questions that I couldn't hear because my head was spinning. I am not dead. My kids aren't dead. But why did that man just hit me? He hit me on purpose. He hit me like he didn't care. He could have killed us. I went from sad to mad and back again.

The trooper who assisted us would later tell me that the man went on to hit two more vehicles. He critically injured two people, and he would later die from his injuries. After hitting the last car he hit a concrete barrier head on.

I had so many emotions over the next little while. I was grateful to be a live, and humbled in a way that there are no words for. I had felt my van rock side to side. The sounds of the metal crushing and the windows shattering echoed in my head. The metal was crushed right up to the gas tank, but it was left with no damage. There was a huge pointed peace of metal that was literally a hair's length away from puncturing my left rear tire which would have increased our risk of injury had it actually punctured the tire at the rate of speed we were going. The Lord had spared my life and possibly the lives of my children.

I wanted to internalize that. I wanted to be aware of just what that really meant. I wanted to really be grateful for what the Lord had done for me.

Maybe my life was never going to end. Maybe the Lord's will was to always spare me. I will never know, nor do I care if I ever know. He allowed me an incredible learning opportunity. I had a chance to internalize why I really wanted to be here on this earth and what I wanted to do with my life. I had to the chance to verbalize those thoughts and emotions to my father in heaven and to plead my cause to him further impressing upon my soul my truest desires. I had an opportunity to truly let go and trust him and have faith in whatever was to be his will. A peace that is only learned in life's trials.

I was able to "see" during the accident His hand, literally and it has forever changed my life.

I would say that nothing is happening in my life, but from the outside looking in that could very well not be true.

Everyday I homeschool my children. Every day I believe I say the same things; "please unload the dishwasher", "the school room and living room need to be picked up", etc. Every morning before actually doing anything I listen to the same music. First "As Sisters in Zion, We will bring the world his truth" medley and then the Reflections of Christ cd. I will only sit and listen to the first few songs and then get up and make breakfast or whatever while listening to the rest. I try to clear my head of my doubts and negative thoughts. I try to see my life through the Lord's eyes for that moment each day. I usually pray while sitting there that I will not be so caught up in what I want to get done that I miss what needs to be done. I never want to miss a moment to teach or nurture my children outside of their secular needs. My girls usually start their school work before I am done getting ready for the day. Once I am ready I sit with baby Ray and we do math and work on letters. He catches on really fast. He loves me reading to him and I love how intently he listens. The girls will ask questions about their work and sometimes I have to help them. Alora and I will read together at some point. She and baby Ray will both work on hand writing together. I like when she helps him work on a letter or a number. Usually Alexa will jump in and ask to learn something so either I will help her or one of the older girls will 'teach' her for a minute then get back to their work. Arwyn either naps or plays while we do school. She is often in some one's lap benefiting from their reading or 'helping' them do math.

Some where in there we have lunch. Some days it is an actual meal; i.e. mac and cheese with nuggets and salad or some veggie. Other days it is sandwiches, or cereal or left overs. The kids want hot chocolate for lunch today :) Some times we watch Matlock for an after noon flick. Ray's grandma would be proud. Usually by three we are officially done with everyone and their school.

It's a free for all after that. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe the kids have more chores to do. Maybe Ray is home and we run errands or play together. Some evenings there is a dance class for Alora, or horse lessons for Aspen, or the fam is going to the arena for roping and riding with neighbors.

Dinner is usually Ray's time to shine. He has been our newly assigned cook and he does a great job. Enchilada's, tator tot casserole, soups and desserts all courtesy of skills he has acquired from working with ShirleyJ.

Bedtime is crazy. Almost laughable. There is always a measure of confusion as if it the first time they have ever gone to bed :) We read scriptures and have family prayer and then each child gets a short story read to them in their respective rooms; baby Ray, the little girls and the big girls. People usually surface to "ask" something "really quick". Sometimes I wonder if they are just checking to make sure we didn't skip out on them :)

Ray and I will retire at some point to our room where we talk. I usually talk more than more him, but we both talk. We discuss the next day, things that happened during the day, our likes dislikes about different things or even our ideas about our life or ideas in general. We like to dream together about where life will take us, what could happen or not, and sometimes we dream big and ask questions to each other like "what if you had ___?" or "if you could live anywhere?".

He always falls asleep first. I usually read Jesus the Christ or my scriptures again to help clear my head and prepare me for a restful slumber, sometimes I write in my journal if I didn't earlier that morning. Sometimes because Ray is asleep I will talk out loud to Heavenly Father like he is right there beside my bed.

The same things seem to happen every week, our little family moving along one learning step stone at a time. I am trying to be patient with my exhaustion and I am trying to clear my head of what I think should be so that I can see what the Lord sees. I am learning a lot about letting go and being in the moment with my children and my husband each day. Early next year I will have another baby and at some point I will start having more energy and I will be anxious to "do" more with my time. I hope that I will have learned what I need to at this time so as to make better use of my time spiritually and physically. We will at some point make enough money to support ourselves and that burden will be relieved as well. I hope that I will have learned, and that I will be grateful to my Father in Heaven for the blessings. I hope I don't forget. I hope I serve more, and love more. I hope that I can forever have His eternal perspective on my life.

Why do you do what you do? Why do you wake up in the morning? What do you consider before slumber each night? What motivates you? What drives your decisions?

Have you ever considered eternity with Heavenly Father and our Savior? Have you considered the "day in and day out" of the eternities? What will we do?

Serve. Every moment of eternity is service. Even in the moments when we are learning, someone will be serving us, only for us to turn right around and teach someone else and serve them.

The adversary would seek to distract us from what we are ultimately working towards. We frequently have lessons in church on the distractions we face each day. For each of us the distractions are different, but what are each of us doing to be aware of these distractions so that we may remain focused on our eternal task? And is that awareness even important to you?

The Lord sent us here to ultimately return to him. We came to prove our loyalty and preserve our place with him in heaven. What are we doing each day to do that?

Let's say you have read your scriptures and had your morning prayers. Now what? Where do your thoughts linger? What types of conversation do you seek out? What types of entertainment? Do you "look" for your Savior through out your day? What drives your accomplishments for the day? Who is your task master? What feelings do you seek to have at the end of the day? Or do you even pay attention to your feelings? Do you just exist, floating from one thing to another? Do you avoid thinking too deeply for fear of the guilt that encompasses you of all that you are not doing or should be doing?

How many excuses do you make about why you aren't as "spiritual" as you could be? How bad do you want to see your Savior when he returns? What discomforts are you willing to endure both physical and emotional to improve yourself now so that you may?

What really is your best? I think often we excuse ourselves with the thought that we are doing our best. The adversary is doing more than his best. He breaks his neck, figuratively speaking, trying to bring down the women of this world. And not always with the so obvious 'sins' of the world. If he can keep you discouraged, avoidant, and distracted then we finish the rest so easily. If he can keep us from having a real, sincere and connected relationship with our Father in heaven and our Savior then he build wedges in every aspect of our lives.

The Lord wants us just as we are, completely imperfect and 'failing'. He knows why you don't read your scriptures every day. He knows why you avoid praying right now, really praying, the heart felt kind. He knows that you lost your patience and said things you didn't mean. He knows why you don't like "her" or "him". He knows how fragile you really are. He knows that you really do want to be close to him, and he wants to show YOU how YOU can do it.

The Savior is our advocate. He is our cheerleader. He knows us better than we know ourselves. There is nothing is this world that could ever validate you or fulfill your need for love and comfort like He can. He might not ever tell you how qualified you were to say that quite witty cutting remark, but he knows just how bad that person hurt your heart causing you to react in such a way. He not only knows but he wants to heal you, to take that sting, so that you can have his peace in your heart. He does not care how imperfect we are when we come to him, he just wants us to come.

Our prayers do not have be eloquent or wordy and I am sure if you forget 'thee' and 'thou' he can still hear you. It is our hearts he wants, the deepest parts of our soul. Please as you go through your week consider where you are going and how you are getting there.

I have avoided posting anything for awhile. I haven't know how to say anything, or how to verbalize the things I have been learning and what I have been experiencing.

I have no energy. Zilch. I don't clean my house, my husband does. My goal everyday is to shower and to teach my children school and that is quite literally what I do everyday. I might vacuum once a week. I swept the floor today and yesterday. I walked for 15 minutes with Aspen the other evening so she could 'talk' to me. I sleep more than a newborn, or so it feels.

I take Alora to dance and Aspen to her horseback lessons. Last night I went with everyone to the arena where we are blessed to get to ride horses. I only lasted an hour.

I cry a lot because of the exhaustion. I have never know this kind of fatigue and exhaustion. The other night I cried myself to sleep out of frustration that I would not be able to get up with Alexa and help her get to the toilet. Ray was able too, but I wanted to do it, I wanted to play the role of mommy.

I want to clean my house. I want to organize and nurture my family. Instead I sit a lot on my couch and coach my older girls. They are patient and amazing. They help with meals, cleaning and the little girls.

I have had Ray give me several blessings. I need clarity, perspective, patience and peace. The Lord has told me he is allowing me to go through this. There are things he says that I need to learn from this experience.

Right now I don't know if I could say what I am learning. I know I am, because I feel it. I am still trying to see all this through his eyes. I am still trying to understand why it is okay for me to be almost totally out of commission. Why he is okay with my house that really is so much messier than I really like it to be. Why, as He put it in a blessing, it isn't critical at this time for me to push myself or to work out. He has counseled me to reflect during this time, and to cultivate my mind.

Did I mention my mind doesn't work? So often my frustration comes because I feel like I can't think. I feel too tired to try to organize anything mentally.

I do know that I can not take credit for any success my family has seen personally. My children are doing great with school. They almost teach themselves. Some how we all have clean clothes, even if they remain in the laundry baskets until they are retrieved. We make it to church, late usually, but we get there.

I want to learn what he wants me to learn. I am not necessarily enjoying this exhaustion by any means. Like I said I cry a lot because of frustration and feeling discouraged. But when all this is done I will be better than I am today. My testimony of the divinity of our Savior Jesus Christ will be that much more firm, and I will have an even more clear eternal perspective. Trials are always opportunity.

We have what is called an Apple TV. We can stream our music and photos from our iTunes. Every afternoon I play music for the kids and I to dance too. Today no one is dancing they are playing play-doh and I am sitting here listing to my fav songs and watching our photos scroll up the television. Lots of memories.

Today I 'found' a friend on facebook. Its a 'he' friend. I was remembering when I met him and where I was in my life and so many emotions and memories came back.

It was my senior year in high school. I just wanted the heck out of dodge. He was from Ohio and was in Longview doing construction. I believe he had just returned from his mission. I remember he took me on a date and when he brought me back the lights were all out and the front door was locked, as per my mom's usual behavior. We stood there for however long knocking and she answered in what my sister and I used to joke was her wet poodle look. I didn't think this poor guy would ever come around again after witnessing this. I am sure she said something mean and sarcastic and the evening was over.

The were two guys in that time of my life that impacted me forever. The first I met when I was a sophomore. He was from a neighboring town and was very much a cowboy. He and I dated off and on and were friends for years. He saw me, the real me. I felt comfortable being myself around him. When I lived in St George I often talked with him on the phone for hours. I don't remember anything we talked about really. I just remember being able to talk, to just let go.

The second one (the one I found on facebook today) and I dated a couple times I think that spring before graduation. I remember one time he came over when I was baby sitting these five kids. I remember thinking that that was the life I wanted. I wanted a good guy for forever and lots of kiddos.

I kept in touch in one way another with both these guys for years. I don't know if I made a mark on their life, but they did on mine. I don't even know if I could really put it into words. I wanted to be better than I was for them. I felt real when I was with them. I felt alive and cared about. I felt when they asked me a question, they really did want to hear the answer. I don't know that either of them realized what my life had really been like. I think they knew about some of the abuse, but I don't think they realized just how bad things really were. I didn't know how bad things really were. Somethings I didn't know about my own life until this year.

At that time in my life they had been the only constant. Inconstant constant. Though my life and their life would have changed between our communications, they never changed. They were strong and confident. I felt peaceful when I was around them or talked to them.

There is so much more I wish I could write about in regards to these two guys. Memories. Things I learned. I am grateful to them. They gave me something to hold on too. They inspired me in a very quiet way. I am so much of what I am today because of the motivation I often felt in talking with them. Something inside of me has always wanted to say to them "I did it". I became who I wanted to become.

The Lord took care of me during a time when I am sure so many thought me to plummeting out of control. I have said this so often before, but he blessed me with people along my way that would inspire and encourage me. I feel indebted to them for loving me and being my friend in a time when I wasn't so easy to love and when I was lost. These people... roommates, friends and friendboys blessed my life and were instruments in the hands of the Lord in helping me on my path to where I am today and will be in the future.

We are not merely bumping around here on earth happening upon our experiences by chance. We have a Heavenly Father who loves us and is intimately involved in our lives. He is our eternal cheer leader, and will forever be presenting opportunities for our growth whether through friends, neighbors, roommates, work aquaintances or whoever. We are here to ultimately help each other get back to our heavenly home where we will dwell with our Savior and Heavenly Father for eternity.

The phone call came. Yesterday. I knew it would one day. Ray's former commander of his unit called. He is now over another unit in which Ray will be moved to if his promotion goes through. He asked if Ray would be willing to go with them to Iraq next year. If his promotion goes through he would go anyway, and well when the Army asks you to go...you go...promotion or not. Nothing is official until you have orders, but I don't think the Major makes calls like that for fun. It would be a one year deployment. He would leave mid summer.

The thought of him going does not scare me. I know the Lord will protect him. My fear is that no one will help me while he is gone. I got to see the worst of some people when he was gone last year and I don't think I could do that again. The nice thing is that I won't be pregnant, hopefully :) when he leaves so I will be able to help myself more.

I have never felt closer to the Savior than I did last year while he was away. So I KNOW that He will be there for me, and that I will have the opportunity again to witness miracles quite literally everyday.

I am glad that I have a 'head's up'. Knowing this changes our approach to life over the next 9 months or so, as it naturally would. Perspective. Life is always about perspective.

The other night I was hanging out with Arwyn on the couch. I was only partially pay attention to what was on television. I had been watching the news about a fire that caused the evacuation of 1500 homes.

Arwyn was being silly, something out of character for her until recently. She has always been a very calm unemotional baby. She cried when she was hungry or tired or bothered. But until recently she was rarely playful. Maybe she was just taking everything in.

On that night she instigated her own little games and never tried to get off the couch, so I gladly participated in her fun. I heard an announcement made for a give away, something to the effect that it would be your dream life.

I have my dream life. Things have been hard these past two years. Things were hard when I was in therapy. Things were hard as a kid and a teenager. But right now in this very moment I have all that I have ever dreamed of and then some.

I have probably the most perfect husband ever. Really. Not biased :) He stood by my side during a time that he could have been justified in leaving. There were times that the medications the docs put on to help me through therapy would literally make me crazy. He visited me in the psych ward. He encouraged me through all the moments that I was sure were the ending of me. He has loved me REALLY overweight and when I looked almost like a rock star :) He loves me staying at home with our brood. He listens to me, and I talk A LOT. He prays for me in every prayer. He cooks for me and the kids. He does my dishes, and so far he has done them everyday since this pregnancy has made me sick, so let's say June? He loves me. The weird, the quirky, the weaknesses, and the absolute strengths. And I feel that love.

I have five beautiful children. I don't think anyone ever really believed that I would have a big family. I don't think 15 years ago I seemed the motherly type. I have always wanted 80 million kids. I love being at home with them. They draw on my walls. Make ginormous messes at bath time. Whine about not being able to find the smallest toy know to man. They talk loud at dinner and say things like "he's looking at me". They wake up way too early and go to bed way too late. They put clean clothes in the laundry. They stomp their foot almost every time I ask them to do something and act surprised when I say it is time to start school (as if we don't do it everyday). But they have so much love in them. They love each other. They love Ray and I. They love life. I love how excited they get about a grasshopper or a pheasant in our back yard. I love to hear them laugh with each other and at each other. I love that the sky is only the beginning for them. I love that they fear nothing, including me. They see no boundaries only opportunities.

My house is rarely "clean". There is always something on my table, evidence of an invention or the last meal eaten. My school room table and floor are covered with books, crayons, markers, glue, cut up paper, toys, more inventions or creative projects. The laundry is never always finished. It is either in the washer, dryer, on my bed or on some one's floor because they didn't get it quite put away. The bathrooms are....well used by 45,000 people who for some reason think it is necessary to use 8 gallons of soap so as to create plenty of suds that will cover the entire vanity. I wipe my walls...before someone comes over :) but I love the art work that some little 3 year old or 15 month left for me.

I wouldn't trade it though. Not one mess, not one overwhelming chaotic moment, not even the times in the car when all 20 of them are crying or whining for one reason or another. It is all a gift from my Heavenly Father to me. I am a mother and a wife. One day these silly wonderful kids will grow up and leave to go begin their own adventures as an adult. My walls will be clean and my floors will be spotless and I will find new things in life to find joy in. For now though, this is the dream and this is the life I always wanted. No money, no comforts, nothing the world could offer would be better than my life right now.

It is okay to ask questions, to wonder which direction the Lord would have you go. I have been doing that my whole life. But this faith that I am learning about is different. Ray gave me a blesssing in which the Lord told me that right now the only thing he wants me to DO is be patient. There are more times than not that our faith is exercised by our actions. When you pray for a job you actively look for a job. When you pray for good health, you eat healthy and take care of your body with exercise and proper rest. Ray and I have done everything we possibly can. This is now about endurance, about completely letting go and finding complete peace in knowing nothing. He isn't going to tell us when or how.

There is a story from the scriptures that I learn from over and over and over about peace. Remember when the Savior was on the boat asleep and the storm came? The apostles were nervous about the storm and the fact that the One who could stop the storm was sleeping right through it.

The Savior was tired from all that he had been doing, but he was also at complete peace with the storm. He did not fear the raging waters and fierce winds, he was at peace with them.

Have we made peace with our storms? Are we at peace in the thick of it all? Or are we in hurry to calm the waters and the winds?

The body literally craves being comfortable. Think about our behaviors when we are hungry or tired. We often act selfishly trying to satisfy these needs. Our minds are the same. We "need" our finances to be dependable, or to know how things are going to work out. We long to have our emotional ducks in a row.

The Lord is trying to teach Ray and I that ultimately the spirit rules the flesh. Though my desire to be self sufficient is righteous, the eternal lesson I am learning here is more important. The Lord will bless us with a job. Right now he is asking me to overcome the need to know, to have complete faith in something I can not see at all. To calm the natural man in my mind that craves mortal control. My needs have always been met these past two and half years, and the Lord will continue to meet them. I have to learn how to let go completely. No questions, just perfect faith in Him.

I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on my lesson yesterday. I am in the midst of my own trial of faith. I felt distracted as I taught. I felt weighed down with my own questions for the Lord. Questions I ask him daily. My questions are more to try to gain a perspective.

The Lord has promised us that we would have a good paying job, that we would be able to pay for things, even our wants. Right now we don't have that job, and we haven't for quite some time. The money miraculously came through various avenues this month so that I could pay for my car, our credit cards and other bills.

Last week the Lord's hand was made evident in our lives when we met a family that breeds horses. The mother of the family has offered to teach Aspen horseback riding lessons for free for right now.

We have most of our bases covered in regards to paying bills, so I do feel a bit of relief for right now. I feel nervous though for next month. In my life the Lord allows me to go through more than I necessarily would hope for :) I get through it and I even am blessed to learn from it, but the learning is always hard. I have been asking the Lord to help me find the patience to be able to endure this trial. I often try and anticipate things and pre-guess my life. I want to have implicit trust in him, and know with out any doubt that he will provide for my needs. I often right now ask him how he will provide, when will we get a job. It is out of fear that I ask those questions. Fear of having to do something harder than I want to. Fear of being uncomfortable.

One of my worst fears is that Ray will be deployed and that that is how we will be able to support ourselves. I have no fear in his being deployed for safety reasons, I don't want to deliver another baby alone. And I would be sad if he went right after because he would miss that babies first year. Selfish really, I know, but my feelings none the less.

It is a weird feeling, and even a difficult feeling not knowing which way your life will go even in the next week. Financially we can plan for nothing. It is literally week by week. I want to find peace in that. I want to not fear the lack of control I have in my life right now. I want to learn what ever it is he would have me learn.

I closed my blog because I didn't know who was sending me these extremely unnerving anonymous comments. I originally thought it was my brother and then I wasn't sure. He contacted me on facebook after I closed the blog. My family is so very weird. You won't hear from anyone for months, possibly years, and then they just show up in your life and they act as if they have been there all along and that it isn't weird that they are suddenly making contact. AND in this renewal of correspondence they find it necessary to rehearse to you all that is wrong with you and that the reason for the lack of previous correspondence is because of you...or they pretend to be your friend fishing for anything that they can use against you in later conversations or that they can take back to the "others" :) to tell, where they are temporarily rewarded for such behavior. A web of lies and manipulation!!

My whole life I only heard how I was the reason that my family was falling apart. My mom preached that sermon almost daily. I was the reason for every season and I believed it for so long. As I got older though, 14, 15ish I began to realize she was the crazy one. I would tell her so. I fought back. My sister would tell me to just keep my mouth shut and to just go along with it. That isn't how I "roll". The more I acted out, the more abuse I got. I don't remember caring though. I slept with my Book of Mormon and I would lie there day dreaming of the day when I would be free.

My brother's 'beef' in his anonymous comments and in his messages to me on facebook were about how I spoke of my mother on my blog. He feels that I could be kinder. He says "she loves" me. I felt guilty at first. As I prayed about it though I realized the same thing I have had to realize over and over in my life.

She doesn't love me. She can't. She doesn't love herself. I would love to cut my mom some slack. I would love to borrow on the idea that she had a rough childhood and excuse her behavior because of that. EXCEPT that I had a rough childhood TOO!!!! She had the same choices I did. But she chose to run from it, and I chose to face it. I went through however many years of literal hell to overcome my past and to change my future and my children's future. So I am sorry I can not excuse her current behavior.

To my family, specifically my brothers, mother and sister: If you don't like what I write, don't read it. I write exactly how I feel.

I feel very peaceful today. This summer has been hard on me. A learning kind of hard. That is how my life goes though. I have a time where I do good, I feel good, I feel myself moving forward physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then the Lord lets me learn :)

I have found peace with what happened in Tennessee. Not peace like it is all okay. But understanding peace. It wasn't me personally that was "under attack" as I felt. They push themselves to unrealistic standards, and thus project or put on others the same expectations. They feel the need to be a perfect they have defined for themselves, and thus hold others to it as well. I realized that I can chose how often and when and how long I want to be at family get togethers. There are some things like baptisms, weddings, blessings and such that are mandatory. But the length of time in which I have to socialize is not mandatory. I have felt at times wrong because I don't necessarily enjoy being around every one in his family. It isn't wrong. It is my preference. We all have people that are easier for us to be around, and people who we find it difficult to be around for too long. The Lord never said we have to be friends or best buds with everyone. He just said we have to love them and be willing to serve them. I love Ray's family. And I am willing to serve them. I can be kind to them but I don't have to torture myself with a feeling of obligation. My happiness matters too.

I have found peace with the ridiculous accusations made about my personality and character early this summer. They don't really know me, and they probably never will. They saw a side of me that isn't my best when they confronted me. The emotions I showed during my conversations probably did seem dramatic. I can come across very....aggressive...okay mean and hostile :) when I feel attacked...and frankly I will leave no survivors. That is the survivor in me. I have determined though that the next time I will not respond unless I truly feel moved by the spirit. For me to respond on my own I become a fighter, which in and of itself isn't bad, I just don't like the feeling I am left with and nothing is actually accomplished. When I speak I am looking for a person to understand me, and if that person is there to accuse they are most definitely not seeking to understand, so ultimately it is a waist of emotion and oxygen. I know who I am, I do not have to defend that. I know that the Lord will always help me to know what to say, and if I am not moved to say anything then I must trust that nothing should be said.

We did get a 'job' this spring. It however has not brought an income in which we can provide for ourselves. We are still very dependent on the church for assistance. We have always been able to pay our credit card bills and my car payment and have even been blessed to be able to buy Cafe Rio when I 'needed' it :) I have longed this summer to be self sufficient. I want to pay my rent. I want to pay all my bills and buy all my groceries. I don't mind being poor, it is being flat broke that has been hard this summer. I have felt for so long that as soon as the Lord wanted us to have the means necessary to do so that we would. He is paying for our mere existence quite literally. So I determined this summer that there must be more for us to learn. I have prayed and searched and pondered and really have begged him to help me to see what is was that he wanted us to learn. I know that I don't fully recognize yet the whole scope of what we learned and are continuing to learn. For right now I have realized we spend so much time wanting, and begging and pleading for our wants and needs. We tell the Lord, whether subconsciously, verbally or in our minds, what we "need". We pray for a job. We pray for more money, for better health, to be relieved of our trials, to have things work out for our "good". Our happiness is important to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, but even more important is what we learn, spiritually, for the eternities. We often get in such a hurry to be relieved that we miss an opportunity to learn. Learning from the Lord is often emotionally painful and hard. We have to give up our mortal expectations, we have to literally chip away the natural man. We like to hang on to our expectations and our "eyes" because it feels tangible, we feel like we have some kind of control. To have faith or to let go and try to see things through our Savior's eyes is a very scary feeling. It is literally stepping into the dark. It is lonely in there for a bit, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It is in that loneliness that we grow. That is where the natural man is chipped away and we can become closer and more in tune with the spirit.

This summer we came to the end of our credit card living. We used them to keep us from going into the red. I prayed about homeschooling again, about Alora joining a competition dance team, baby Ray starting soccer, Aspen starting horse back riding lessons. I felt like these things were okay to pursue. I prayed more in case I was crazy. I still felt peaceful. So we started. Alora tried out and made a team. Baby Ray has started soccer. We are still waiting for funds to get Aspen in lessons. The money is coming due for Alora's dance. Our credit card bills are starting to add up. I asked the Lord if we needed to start selling things. No. Okay so where is the money going to come from. Ray has given me so many blessings. I have had moments where I felt my heart was going to explode wondering if the Lord would really provide. Would he let us drown? I know that often lessons don't come until things are completely dark. What about my feelings that starting these lessons were the right thing? In the blessings the Lord says the money will come that I will be able to pay for everything. Today money finally came that allowed for me to buy curriculum. Next week I have to pay for Alora's dance and then my car payment, and the credit card bills, and gas, and...well you know how it is. I don't know how everything is going to work out. I can't even fathom it working out, because there is no money to make it work, but the Lord said the money would come. I pray to be patient with His will, to be able to not pull my hair out in an anxiety driven rage because I can't "see". This isn't easy for me, I pray literally all day. I listen to hymn music and turn to my scriptures when doubt begins to creep in. This has been a 2 year 4 month ordeal. I am most definitely looking forward to the relief, because it will come as He promised. I just hope that I have not been in too much of hurry to be able to learn all that I can from this trial.

Today though. Today I have felt peace. I have asked him to take my anxiety, to help me to have more faith. I have asked him to help me let go of what I think I need. I asked him to help me to look through eternal eyes and not mortal eyes. Today I have felt him take it and I feel my soul at ease. Tomorrow he might allow me to hurt again, so today I will be grateful and internalize these moments so as to have the strength to endure whatever it is he might need me to feel so that I might have a better eternal perspective.