I never wanted to move to Utah. In fact when the first premonition came I told the Lord "Hell, no". Now I know that many a faithful follower just cringed that I said that. I get it. You would never say such a thing to the Lord. Your neighbor probably - but not the Lord. But I figure he knows what I am saying to my neighbor and I could not pretend to like what he was trying to gently warn me about.

When we lived in Utah from 2007 to 2011 I experienced some of the worst mormons I think could ever live. Yes I am judging. I judge them to be complete hypocrites. If that offends you....

I had a Bishop tell me my husband's service in the military was selfish and that the ward would not be serving me and my children, all while my 6 week old baby was in the hospital with RSV and he was at pre-deployment training.

While on bedrest, because of a back injury, this same bishop and the relief society president came to my home to tell me that I had too many kids and that I didn't deserve anymore. He proceeded to tell me that my house was a disaster and that my kids were useless because they didn't know how to clean - my oldest was 10 and the youngest was 11 months old, I was 14 weeks pregnant with our sixth and Ray was away with the Army.

The relief society president came to my home just to tell me that she thought my testimony of the gospel was fake. That no one sees miracles like the one I claimed to have experienced and that I was leading the women in the ward astray.

While my husband was away at basic training and I was pregnant with our fifth I was told that there would be no service from the relief society because I had not written thank you notes for the previous service they performed when I was hospitalized because of nausea and vomiting due to pregnancy.

Neighbors showed up to my house to tell me how I was hurting my children by homeschooling them and offer other intrusive and offensive opinions.

There is more that happened but after finishing that last sentence I thought to myself - "after reading that people may wonder why I am even still a Mormon" - that is a post for another day, but let's just say I know the difference between the devil and the Lord and just because someone says they follow the Lord doesn't mean they really do. Actions speak louder than words - well in my case the words they spoke told me exactly who they really followed.

Let's go back to when the Lord nudged me to tell me I would be going back.

Ray had just returned from Iraq. That year was hell. The people who showed me the greatest kindness were not even Mormons. They were religious though and they were kind. They served me and my children.

Ray got home in December. Four days before Christmas actually. We literally had no money. That's another really long story but I had no Christmas for my children and I am too prideful to ask for handouts. There were these women though who were impressed 'by the holy spirit' as they told me to help me and my family. One lady gave us probably $300 worth of food and other women helped with toys. It was a very small Christmas but we had our soldier so we were happy and the service of these inspired women lifted our spirits.

The rest of the year though I saw the devil. A lot. By the very people who claimed to know the Lord. So when the Lord tried to tell me he needed me to go back I was too emotionally and spiritually exhausted to return thus my response. That nudge would come another couple of times so I finally told the Lord, "alright, you want me to go to Utah - I'll go if Ray gets a job and everything falls into place". I had him and I knew it.

Sometimes my stubbornness and pride blind me. Okay they always blind me.

You already know what happened. I challenged my maker and he patted me on my head and chuckled and handed me some humble pie.

We moved to freaking Utah. I literally cried the whole way. I cried probably the first couple of months. I still cry to be honest and we have been here 6 years in February.

I will admit that when God commands we obey. I do pretty much everything the hard way. If you know me personally you know that is 110% truth.

I don't know why God wants me here because I don't want to be here.

I don't like Utah Mormons. There I said it.

Now don't go losing your mind. There are a handful of really great people here. HANDFUL. But the culture is full of entitlement and a pride I am not familiar with despite my own pride.

I haven't been to church in 18 months.

Deep breathe. Don't pass out.

It isn't because I don't like God. It's because I don't like Utah Mormons.

I love God. I love him enough to be honest with him. I am with him who I am with anyone. I am not one person on Sunday and another person during the week. I also don't believe that just because I am Mormon that I better than anyone. They will tell you that to know God you have to go to church. Maybe for some because they don't seek him any other time except for when they are at church.

For the past, I don't even know how many years I have been enduring a trial that I cannot describe. Well I could if you had a few hours for me to tell you the story and I stopped going to church because I couldn't feel the spirit. Maybe if I stood out in the hall or sat out on the couch in the foyer but in the classrooms I couldn't feel it. And after a while I couldn't even do that. I am struggling to hang on to what little faith I feel like I have and people are sharing their stories of trials that I would call inconveniences and I sat there starved for something they couldn't give me.

It isn't their fault. It isn't my fault either. They can't change what they don't know. I can't change what I needed. There are women at church who have been through some real things, life changing, soul tormenting trials, but they never really said anything. I needed them to speak up. I needed more than the standard answers about how you pray and God hears your prayers because I know the truth...you can only pray so many prayers before you just have to dig in and cling to the smallest amount of faith you have. That faith isn't a beautiful flower - it's gut wrenching - white knuckle gripping - clinging until you feel like your fingers are going to slip to the smallest truth you hold in your heart...

In Utah when you don't go to church you might as well be a drug addict or an alcoholic. Seriously. To not go to church in Utah is a spiritual and mortal offense. Your neighbors are the same people you attend church with so it is the 'community of saints', but once you don't go to church people don't really know what to do with you. And I have been told more than once that I am hard to approach.

Nope. Not hard to approach - people just don't like that I am honest. Some say confrontational. I say just because I don't offer responses that make you feel warm and fuzzy doesn't mean I am confrontational. I am not afraid of confrontation though and if you over step my boundaries you will know it. But wouldn't you rather have someone who speaks honestly and who doesn't pussy foot around what they are trying to say? Maybe I am the only one. Oh wait! I am Texan ;) Not the only one, just the only Texan around these parts.

There have been some neighbors who treat me the same no matter what. It took me awhile to figure out who they were but I found them or should I say they found me.

I am not going to lie, it's been really hard living in Utah. I am not like them. I am sure there will be one or more that will take offense with what I have said but you can't please everyone. I am sure there are many people out there who don't like living in Texas. Maybe I can trade spots with them.

Sometimes I wonder if God brought me to Utah because he knew that anywhere else I would have been supported through this trial in a way that may have prevented the spiritual growth that I know that I have experienced. Anywhere else I would not have felt the loneliness that I do here. Anywhere else the people would have brought church to me and they would have quite literally carried me through my trial. He had something bigger for me to learn.

I will ever go back to church. I have been promised a miracle. A miracle as such that those who know me would be unable to deny that it was God. I believe that I will have that miracle. I know I will have that miracle -  a healing - a relief from years of ache and strife. I am sure after my miracle I will have yet another opportunity to learn about why God brought me to Utah. I don't know that this place will ever be home but I hope that I can please God by serving those he needs me to serve and to become refined spiritually so that I am useful to him.