I feel happy today. I feel hopeful. I think I could even say I feel excited about life. I know these feelings are a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I am going to need more of this in the months and even weeks to come.
Ray will be gone two to three weeks of every month until he leaves next July starting next month. He has been my greatest strength and stability during this pregnancy. He will only be gone for 12 days in December but at 8 months prego 12 days can feel like 12 months. The Lord has promised me help and I believe him.
That help may or may not be in the form of a person. He could provide me yet another miracle in my life where I have the energy and ability necessary to care for my children during that time. Or he could bless my children to be able to better help me and bless our lives that the time goes quickly and we don't feel the burden of having Ray gone. How the help comes does not matter to me I just look forward to once again seeing the hand of the Lord in my life.
I feel peaceful about Ray being gone so much. The Lord has said in one of my blessings that these trainings and Ray's deployment are the means to our relief from this financial distress. I have to trust that. Although it is hard for me to see exactly how all this will work together for our good I know that the Lord does not lie. He blessed me and carried me while Ray was gone last year, and I grew spiritually. I know the same can happen again this time. He will bless me and I will learn incredible wonderful things.
I don't think it will all be a cake walk and I know that there will be lots of moments where my heart will ache and I will long for comfort and relief from it all and to have my husband with me more. I also know though that it is in those moments when I will feel my Savior's love more strongly than any others. I know that it is in those moments when my testimony is refined and I grow.
I am not afraid of what is ahead because I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior will be there with me every step of the way. I am not afraid of what I don't know about when my baby will come, or where or when we will move because I know that the Lord already knows and when it is time I will know too. I am not afraid to hurt because in hurting I grow closer to my Heavenly Father because he is who I can turn to. I am not afraid of anything hard this mortal life might present to me because Jesus is the Christ and in Him I find my peace.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A year ago on November 12th my husband lay asleep and I was just dozing off. The next day he would be assisting his grandfather in shooting the cows to be butchered. I was to meet a friend for lunch at her house with my kids.
I don't remember falling asleep necessarily but I do remember seeing in my mind my minivan rolling over and over with my children and I in it on the freeway. I sat up in bed. I didn't feel scared. My thoughts turned towards my heavenly Father. I felt impressed to write a note to Ray, a good bye note. So I did. I cried but I felt so peaceful. I told him how much I loved him and why I loved him. I told him if I died what I wanted done with the kids and such. I told him that if he was reading it that it was because I died in a car crash the next day in which the van flipped. I went to sleep promptly after.
I don't remember dwelling on it. In fact I slept fine. When I awoke the next morning to nurse Arwyn I was overcome with emotion. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. Ray had already left. I sat there with my baby sobbing. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to miss any of her life or my other children. I prayed. I read my scriptures and I talked openly with God. I told him if I had a choice then I wanted to live. I told him that I had not yet born my testimony sufficiently like I wanted to and that I wasn't done being a mother. I told him that I wanted to be the one to raise my children and teach them the gospel and the things of life. At one point that morning I concluded to not go, almost in that instant I heard a 'voice' in my mind declare " Do Not interfere with the will of the Lord". It was strong and undeniable. I would never and will never go against the Lord, so I continued to prepare to leave and prayed mightily.
I cried as I helped each of my children get ready. With each one I pleaded more fervently for the Lord to allow me to stay with them.
We got in the van and headed off. I turned on my "Greater Than Us All" cd and kept praying. I prayed with a sense of urgency those first 30 minutes of the trip, it was to be an hour long drive. I remember feeling like I had done all that I could. I had shared with the Lord my honest desires of wanting to stay with my children, and of wanting to continue to share my testimony, now I had to let go and trust him.
In that moment that I had "let go" I remember seeing this red car following too closely to another and thinking it a waist of time. 'Just go around them' was my thought. That 'red car' would later be the car that would hit me. I was on the free way and in the fast lane next to the HOV.
A bit further down the freeway I looked in my mirror to see if anyone was in the HOV. All clear. I signal and move to that lane. I glanced up at the mirror and see this car moving quickly so I tap my brakes to signal I am not going as fast. The car instead sped up and in that instant I knew he was going to hit us.
I swerved into the other lane to try to avoid being hit and braced for impact. It all happened in what felt like slow motion. He rammed the van on the left rear side. All the windows in the back and sides blew out upon impact. I felt the van rock side to side as my hands clung to the steering wheel. My children were screaming and crying.
After making contact he continued forward at the same speed right past me. I remember turning my head and seeing his face as he looked coldly forward as if nothing even happened.
I don't remember driving to the side of the road. I don't remember even getting out of my van. I just remember feeling so numb. Immediately my mind began rehearsing the accident. We were supposed to flip. I felt it. I knew it was coming, I braced for it but we never did.
I stood there crying as people were asking me questions that I couldn't hear because my head was spinning. I am not dead. My kids aren't dead. But why did that man just hit me? He hit me on purpose. He hit me like he didn't care. He could have killed us. I went from sad to mad and back again.
The trooper who assisted us would later tell me that the man went on to hit two more vehicles. He critically injured two people, and he would later die from his injuries. After hitting the last car he hit a concrete barrier head on.
I had so many emotions over the next little while. I was grateful to be a live, and humbled in a way that there are no words for. I had felt my van rock side to side. The sounds of the metal crushing and the windows shattering echoed in my head. The metal was crushed right up to the gas tank, but it was left with no damage. There was a huge pointed peace of metal that was literally a hair's length away from puncturing my left rear tire which would have increased our risk of injury had it actually punctured the tire at the rate of speed we were going. The Lord had spared my life and possibly the lives of my children.
I wanted to internalize that. I wanted to be aware of just what that really meant. I wanted to really be grateful for what the Lord had done for me.
Maybe my life was never going to end. Maybe the Lord's will was to always spare me. I will never know, nor do I care if I ever know. He allowed me an incredible learning opportunity. I had a chance to internalize why I really wanted to be here on this earth and what I wanted to do with my life. I had to the chance to verbalize those thoughts and emotions to my father in heaven and to plead my cause to him further impressing upon my soul my truest desires. I had an opportunity to truly let go and trust him and have faith in whatever was to be his will. A peace that is only learned in life's trials.
I was able to "see" during the accident His hand, literally and it has forever changed my life.
I don't remember falling asleep necessarily but I do remember seeing in my mind my minivan rolling over and over with my children and I in it on the freeway. I sat up in bed. I didn't feel scared. My thoughts turned towards my heavenly Father. I felt impressed to write a note to Ray, a good bye note. So I did. I cried but I felt so peaceful. I told him how much I loved him and why I loved him. I told him if I died what I wanted done with the kids and such. I told him that if he was reading it that it was because I died in a car crash the next day in which the van flipped. I went to sleep promptly after.
I don't remember dwelling on it. In fact I slept fine. When I awoke the next morning to nurse Arwyn I was overcome with emotion. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. Ray had already left. I sat there with my baby sobbing. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to miss any of her life or my other children. I prayed. I read my scriptures and I talked openly with God. I told him if I had a choice then I wanted to live. I told him that I had not yet born my testimony sufficiently like I wanted to and that I wasn't done being a mother. I told him that I wanted to be the one to raise my children and teach them the gospel and the things of life. At one point that morning I concluded to not go, almost in that instant I heard a 'voice' in my mind declare " Do Not interfere with the will of the Lord". It was strong and undeniable. I would never and will never go against the Lord, so I continued to prepare to leave and prayed mightily.
I cried as I helped each of my children get ready. With each one I pleaded more fervently for the Lord to allow me to stay with them.
We got in the van and headed off. I turned on my "Greater Than Us All" cd and kept praying. I prayed with a sense of urgency those first 30 minutes of the trip, it was to be an hour long drive. I remember feeling like I had done all that I could. I had shared with the Lord my honest desires of wanting to stay with my children, and of wanting to continue to share my testimony, now I had to let go and trust him.
In that moment that I had "let go" I remember seeing this red car following too closely to another and thinking it a waist of time. 'Just go around them' was my thought. That 'red car' would later be the car that would hit me. I was on the free way and in the fast lane next to the HOV.
A bit further down the freeway I looked in my mirror to see if anyone was in the HOV. All clear. I signal and move to that lane. I glanced up at the mirror and see this car moving quickly so I tap my brakes to signal I am not going as fast. The car instead sped up and in that instant I knew he was going to hit us.
I swerved into the other lane to try to avoid being hit and braced for impact. It all happened in what felt like slow motion. He rammed the van on the left rear side. All the windows in the back and sides blew out upon impact. I felt the van rock side to side as my hands clung to the steering wheel. My children were screaming and crying.
After making contact he continued forward at the same speed right past me. I remember turning my head and seeing his face as he looked coldly forward as if nothing even happened.
I don't remember driving to the side of the road. I don't remember even getting out of my van. I just remember feeling so numb. Immediately my mind began rehearsing the accident. We were supposed to flip. I felt it. I knew it was coming, I braced for it but we never did.
I stood there crying as people were asking me questions that I couldn't hear because my head was spinning. I am not dead. My kids aren't dead. But why did that man just hit me? He hit me on purpose. He hit me like he didn't care. He could have killed us. I went from sad to mad and back again.
The trooper who assisted us would later tell me that the man went on to hit two more vehicles. He critically injured two people, and he would later die from his injuries. After hitting the last car he hit a concrete barrier head on.
I had so many emotions over the next little while. I was grateful to be a live, and humbled in a way that there are no words for. I had felt my van rock side to side. The sounds of the metal crushing and the windows shattering echoed in my head. The metal was crushed right up to the gas tank, but it was left with no damage. There was a huge pointed peace of metal that was literally a hair's length away from puncturing my left rear tire which would have increased our risk of injury had it actually punctured the tire at the rate of speed we were going. The Lord had spared my life and possibly the lives of my children.
I wanted to internalize that. I wanted to be aware of just what that really meant. I wanted to really be grateful for what the Lord had done for me.
Maybe my life was never going to end. Maybe the Lord's will was to always spare me. I will never know, nor do I care if I ever know. He allowed me an incredible learning opportunity. I had a chance to internalize why I really wanted to be here on this earth and what I wanted to do with my life. I had to the chance to verbalize those thoughts and emotions to my father in heaven and to plead my cause to him further impressing upon my soul my truest desires. I had an opportunity to truly let go and trust him and have faith in whatever was to be his will. A peace that is only learned in life's trials.
I was able to "see" during the accident His hand, literally and it has forever changed my life.
Friday, November 5, 2010
I would say that nothing is happening in my life, but from the outside looking in that could very well not be true.
Everyday I homeschool my children. Every day I believe I say the same things; "please unload the dishwasher", "the school room and living room need to be picked up", etc. Every morning before actually doing anything I listen to the same music. First "As Sisters in Zion, We will bring the world his truth" medley and then the Reflections of Christ cd. I will only sit and listen to the first few songs and then get up and make breakfast or whatever while listening to the rest. I try to clear my head of my doubts and negative thoughts. I try to see my life through the Lord's eyes for that moment each day. I usually pray while sitting there that I will not be so caught up in what I want to get done that I miss what needs to be done. I never want to miss a moment to teach or nurture my children outside of their secular needs. My girls usually start their school work before I am done getting ready for the day. Once I am ready I sit with baby Ray and we do math and work on letters. He catches on really fast. He loves me reading to him and I love how intently he listens. The girls will ask questions about their work and sometimes I have to help them. Alora and I will read together at some point. She and baby Ray will both work on hand writing together. I like when she helps him work on a letter or a number. Usually Alexa will jump in and ask to learn something so either I will help her or one of the older girls will 'teach' her for a minute then get back to their work. Arwyn either naps or plays while we do school. She is often in some one's lap benefiting from their reading or 'helping' them do math.
Some where in there we have lunch. Some days it is an actual meal; i.e. mac and cheese with nuggets and salad or some veggie. Other days it is sandwiches, or cereal or left overs. The kids want hot chocolate for lunch today :) Some times we watch Matlock for an after noon flick. Ray's grandma would be proud. Usually by three we are officially done with everyone and their school.
It's a free for all after that. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe the kids have more chores to do. Maybe Ray is home and we run errands or play together. Some evenings there is a dance class for Alora, or horse lessons for Aspen, or the fam is going to the arena for roping and riding with neighbors.
Dinner is usually Ray's time to shine. He has been our newly assigned cook and he does a great job. Enchilada's, tator tot casserole, soups and desserts all courtesy of skills he has acquired from working with ShirleyJ.
Bedtime is crazy. Almost laughable. There is always a measure of confusion as if it the first time they have ever gone to bed :) We read scriptures and have family prayer and then each child gets a short story read to them in their respective rooms; baby Ray, the little girls and the big girls. People usually surface to "ask" something "really quick". Sometimes I wonder if they are just checking to make sure we didn't skip out on them :)
Ray and I will retire at some point to our room where we talk. I usually talk more than more him, but we both talk. We discuss the next day, things that happened during the day, our likes dislikes about different things or even our ideas about our life or ideas in general. We like to dream together about where life will take us, what could happen or not, and sometimes we dream big and ask questions to each other like "what if you had ___?" or "if you could live anywhere?".
He always falls asleep first. I usually read Jesus the Christ or my scriptures again to help clear my head and prepare me for a restful slumber, sometimes I write in my journal if I didn't earlier that morning. Sometimes because Ray is asleep I will talk out loud to Heavenly Father like he is right there beside my bed.
The same things seem to happen every week, our little family moving along one learning step stone at a time. I am trying to be patient with my exhaustion and I am trying to clear my head of what I think should be so that I can see what the Lord sees. I am learning a lot about letting go and being in the moment with my children and my husband each day. Early next year I will have another baby and at some point I will start having more energy and I will be anxious to "do" more with my time. I hope that I will have learned what I need to at this time so as to make better use of my time spiritually and physically. We will at some point make enough money to support ourselves and that burden will be relieved as well. I hope that I will have learned, and that I will be grateful to my Father in Heaven for the blessings. I hope I don't forget. I hope I serve more, and love more. I hope that I can forever have His eternal perspective on my life.
Everyday I homeschool my children. Every day I believe I say the same things; "please unload the dishwasher", "the school room and living room need to be picked up", etc. Every morning before actually doing anything I listen to the same music. First "As Sisters in Zion, We will bring the world his truth" medley and then the Reflections of Christ cd. I will only sit and listen to the first few songs and then get up and make breakfast or whatever while listening to the rest. I try to clear my head of my doubts and negative thoughts. I try to see my life through the Lord's eyes for that moment each day. I usually pray while sitting there that I will not be so caught up in what I want to get done that I miss what needs to be done. I never want to miss a moment to teach or nurture my children outside of their secular needs. My girls usually start their school work before I am done getting ready for the day. Once I am ready I sit with baby Ray and we do math and work on letters. He catches on really fast. He loves me reading to him and I love how intently he listens. The girls will ask questions about their work and sometimes I have to help them. Alora and I will read together at some point. She and baby Ray will both work on hand writing together. I like when she helps him work on a letter or a number. Usually Alexa will jump in and ask to learn something so either I will help her or one of the older girls will 'teach' her for a minute then get back to their work. Arwyn either naps or plays while we do school. She is often in some one's lap benefiting from their reading or 'helping' them do math.
Some where in there we have lunch. Some days it is an actual meal; i.e. mac and cheese with nuggets and salad or some veggie. Other days it is sandwiches, or cereal or left overs. The kids want hot chocolate for lunch today :) Some times we watch Matlock for an after noon flick. Ray's grandma would be proud. Usually by three we are officially done with everyone and their school.
It's a free for all after that. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe the kids have more chores to do. Maybe Ray is home and we run errands or play together. Some evenings there is a dance class for Alora, or horse lessons for Aspen, or the fam is going to the arena for roping and riding with neighbors.
Dinner is usually Ray's time to shine. He has been our newly assigned cook and he does a great job. Enchilada's, tator tot casserole, soups and desserts all courtesy of skills he has acquired from working with ShirleyJ.
Bedtime is crazy. Almost laughable. There is always a measure of confusion as if it the first time they have ever gone to bed :) We read scriptures and have family prayer and then each child gets a short story read to them in their respective rooms; baby Ray, the little girls and the big girls. People usually surface to "ask" something "really quick". Sometimes I wonder if they are just checking to make sure we didn't skip out on them :)
Ray and I will retire at some point to our room where we talk. I usually talk more than more him, but we both talk. We discuss the next day, things that happened during the day, our likes dislikes about different things or even our ideas about our life or ideas in general. We like to dream together about where life will take us, what could happen or not, and sometimes we dream big and ask questions to each other like "what if you had ___?" or "if you could live anywhere?".
He always falls asleep first. I usually read Jesus the Christ or my scriptures again to help clear my head and prepare me for a restful slumber, sometimes I write in my journal if I didn't earlier that morning. Sometimes because Ray is asleep I will talk out loud to Heavenly Father like he is right there beside my bed.
The same things seem to happen every week, our little family moving along one learning step stone at a time. I am trying to be patient with my exhaustion and I am trying to clear my head of what I think should be so that I can see what the Lord sees. I am learning a lot about letting go and being in the moment with my children and my husband each day. Early next year I will have another baby and at some point I will start having more energy and I will be anxious to "do" more with my time. I hope that I will have learned what I need to at this time so as to make better use of my time spiritually and physically. We will at some point make enough money to support ourselves and that burden will be relieved as well. I hope that I will have learned, and that I will be grateful to my Father in Heaven for the blessings. I hope I don't forget. I hope I serve more, and love more. I hope that I can forever have His eternal perspective on my life.
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