Why do you do what you do? Why do you wake up in the morning? What do you consider before slumber each night? What motivates you? What drives your decisions?

Have you ever considered eternity with Heavenly Father and our Savior? Have you considered the "day in and day out" of the eternities? What will we do?

Serve. Every moment of eternity is service. Even in the moments when we are learning, someone will be serving us, only for us to turn right around and teach someone else and serve them.

The adversary would seek to distract us from what we are ultimately working towards. We frequently have lessons in church on the distractions we face each day. For each of us the distractions are different, but what are each of us doing to be aware of these distractions so that we may remain focused on our eternal task? And is that awareness even important to you?

The Lord sent us here to ultimately return to him. We came to prove our loyalty and preserve our place with him in heaven. What are we doing each day to do that?

Let's say you have read your scriptures and had your morning prayers. Now what? Where do your thoughts linger? What types of conversation do you seek out? What types of entertainment? Do you "look" for your Savior through out your day? What drives your accomplishments for the day? Who is your task master? What feelings do you seek to have at the end of the day? Or do you even pay attention to your feelings? Do you just exist, floating from one thing to another? Do you avoid thinking too deeply for fear of the guilt that encompasses you of all that you are not doing or should be doing?

How many excuses do you make about why you aren't as "spiritual" as you could be? How bad do you want to see your Savior when he returns? What discomforts are you willing to endure both physical and emotional to improve yourself now so that you may?

What really is your best? I think often we excuse ourselves with the thought that we are doing our best. The adversary is doing more than his best. He breaks his neck, figuratively speaking, trying to bring down the women of this world. And not always with the so obvious 'sins' of the world. If he can keep you discouraged, avoidant, and distracted then we finish the rest so easily. If he can keep us from having a real, sincere and connected relationship with our Father in heaven and our Savior then he build wedges in every aspect of our lives.

The Lord wants us just as we are, completely imperfect and 'failing'. He knows why you don't read your scriptures every day. He knows why you avoid praying right now, really praying, the heart felt kind. He knows that you lost your patience and said things you didn't mean. He knows why you don't like "her" or "him". He knows how fragile you really are. He knows that you really do want to be close to him, and he wants to show YOU how YOU can do it.

The Savior is our advocate. He is our cheerleader. He knows us better than we know ourselves. There is nothing is this world that could ever validate you or fulfill your need for love and comfort like He can. He might not ever tell you how qualified you were to say that quite witty cutting remark, but he knows just how bad that person hurt your heart causing you to react in such a way. He not only knows but he wants to heal you, to take that sting, so that you can have his peace in your heart. He does not care how imperfect we are when we come to him, he just wants us to come.

Our prayers do not have be eloquent or wordy and I am sure if you forget 'thee' and 'thou' he can still hear you. It is our hearts he wants, the deepest parts of our soul. Please as you go through your week consider where you are going and how you are getting there.

I have avoided posting anything for awhile. I haven't know how to say anything, or how to verbalize the things I have been learning and what I have been experiencing.

I have no energy. Zilch. I don't clean my house, my husband does. My goal everyday is to shower and to teach my children school and that is quite literally what I do everyday. I might vacuum once a week. I swept the floor today and yesterday. I walked for 15 minutes with Aspen the other evening so she could 'talk' to me. I sleep more than a newborn, or so it feels.

I take Alora to dance and Aspen to her horseback lessons. Last night I went with everyone to the arena where we are blessed to get to ride horses. I only lasted an hour.

I cry a lot because of the exhaustion. I have never know this kind of fatigue and exhaustion. The other night I cried myself to sleep out of frustration that I would not be able to get up with Alexa and help her get to the toilet. Ray was able too, but I wanted to do it, I wanted to play the role of mommy.

I want to clean my house. I want to organize and nurture my family. Instead I sit a lot on my couch and coach my older girls. They are patient and amazing. They help with meals, cleaning and the little girls.

I have had Ray give me several blessings. I need clarity, perspective, patience and peace. The Lord has told me he is allowing me to go through this. There are things he says that I need to learn from this experience.

Right now I don't know if I could say what I am learning. I know I am, because I feel it. I am still trying to see all this through his eyes. I am still trying to understand why it is okay for me to be almost totally out of commission. Why he is okay with my house that really is so much messier than I really like it to be. Why, as He put it in a blessing, it isn't critical at this time for me to push myself or to work out. He has counseled me to reflect during this time, and to cultivate my mind.

Did I mention my mind doesn't work? So often my frustration comes because I feel like I can't think. I feel too tired to try to organize anything mentally.

I do know that I can not take credit for any success my family has seen personally. My children are doing great with school. They almost teach themselves. Some how we all have clean clothes, even if they remain in the laundry baskets until they are retrieved. We make it to church, late usually, but we get there.

I want to learn what he wants me to learn. I am not necessarily enjoying this exhaustion by any means. Like I said I cry a lot because of frustration and feeling discouraged. But when all this is done I will be better than I am today. My testimony of the divinity of our Savior Jesus Christ will be that much more firm, and I will have an even more clear eternal perspective. Trials are always opportunity.

We have what is called an Apple TV. We can stream our music and photos from our iTunes. Every afternoon I play music for the kids and I to dance too. Today no one is dancing they are playing play-doh and I am sitting here listing to my fav songs and watching our photos scroll up the television. Lots of memories.

Today I 'found' a friend on facebook. Its a 'he' friend. I was remembering when I met him and where I was in my life and so many emotions and memories came back.

It was my senior year in high school. I just wanted the heck out of dodge. He was from Ohio and was in Longview doing construction. I believe he had just returned from his mission. I remember he took me on a date and when he brought me back the lights were all out and the front door was locked, as per my mom's usual behavior. We stood there for however long knocking and she answered in what my sister and I used to joke was her wet poodle look. I didn't think this poor guy would ever come around again after witnessing this. I am sure she said something mean and sarcastic and the evening was over.

The were two guys in that time of my life that impacted me forever. The first I met when I was a sophomore. He was from a neighboring town and was very much a cowboy. He and I dated off and on and were friends for years. He saw me, the real me. I felt comfortable being myself around him. When I lived in St George I often talked with him on the phone for hours. I don't remember anything we talked about really. I just remember being able to talk, to just let go.

The second one (the one I found on facebook today) and I dated a couple times I think that spring before graduation. I remember one time he came over when I was baby sitting these five kids. I remember thinking that that was the life I wanted. I wanted a good guy for forever and lots of kiddos.

I kept in touch in one way another with both these guys for years. I don't know if I made a mark on their life, but they did on mine. I don't even know if I could really put it into words. I wanted to be better than I was for them. I felt real when I was with them. I felt alive and cared about. I felt when they asked me a question, they really did want to hear the answer. I don't know that either of them realized what my life had really been like. I think they knew about some of the abuse, but I don't think they realized just how bad things really were. I didn't know how bad things really were. Somethings I didn't know about my own life until this year.

At that time in my life they had been the only constant. Inconstant constant. Though my life and their life would have changed between our communications, they never changed. They were strong and confident. I felt peaceful when I was around them or talked to them.

There is so much more I wish I could write about in regards to these two guys. Memories. Things I learned. I am grateful to them. They gave me something to hold on too. They inspired me in a very quiet way. I am so much of what I am today because of the motivation I often felt in talking with them. Something inside of me has always wanted to say to them "I did it". I became who I wanted to become.

The Lord took care of me during a time when I am sure so many thought me to plummeting out of control. I have said this so often before, but he blessed me with people along my way that would inspire and encourage me. I feel indebted to them for loving me and being my friend in a time when I wasn't so easy to love and when I was lost. These people... roommates, friends and friendboys blessed my life and were instruments in the hands of the Lord in helping me on my path to where I am today and will be in the future.

We are not merely bumping around here on earth happening upon our experiences by chance. We have a Heavenly Father who loves us and is intimately involved in our lives. He is our eternal cheer leader, and will forever be presenting opportunities for our growth whether through friends, neighbors, roommates, work aquaintances or whoever. We are here to ultimately help each other get back to our heavenly home where we will dwell with our Savior and Heavenly Father for eternity.