I have avoided posting anything for awhile. I haven't know how to say anything, or how to verbalize the things I have been learning and what I have been experiencing.

I have no energy. Zilch. I don't clean my house, my husband does. My goal everyday is to shower and to teach my children school and that is quite literally what I do everyday. I might vacuum once a week. I swept the floor today and yesterday. I walked for 15 minutes with Aspen the other evening so she could 'talk' to me. I sleep more than a newborn, or so it feels.

I take Alora to dance and Aspen to her horseback lessons. Last night I went with everyone to the arena where we are blessed to get to ride horses. I only lasted an hour.

I cry a lot because of the exhaustion. I have never know this kind of fatigue and exhaustion. The other night I cried myself to sleep out of frustration that I would not be able to get up with Alexa and help her get to the toilet. Ray was able too, but I wanted to do it, I wanted to play the role of mommy.

I want to clean my house. I want to organize and nurture my family. Instead I sit a lot on my couch and coach my older girls. They are patient and amazing. They help with meals, cleaning and the little girls.

I have had Ray give me several blessings. I need clarity, perspective, patience and peace. The Lord has told me he is allowing me to go through this. There are things he says that I need to learn from this experience.

Right now I don't know if I could say what I am learning. I know I am, because I feel it. I am still trying to see all this through his eyes. I am still trying to understand why it is okay for me to be almost totally out of commission. Why he is okay with my house that really is so much messier than I really like it to be. Why, as He put it in a blessing, it isn't critical at this time for me to push myself or to work out. He has counseled me to reflect during this time, and to cultivate my mind.

Did I mention my mind doesn't work? So often my frustration comes because I feel like I can't think. I feel too tired to try to organize anything mentally.

I do know that I can not take credit for any success my family has seen personally. My children are doing great with school. They almost teach themselves. Some how we all have clean clothes, even if they remain in the laundry baskets until they are retrieved. We make it to church, late usually, but we get there.

I want to learn what he wants me to learn. I am not necessarily enjoying this exhaustion by any means. Like I said I cry a lot because of frustration and feeling discouraged. But when all this is done I will be better than I am today. My testimony of the divinity of our Savior Jesus Christ will be that much more firm, and I will have an even more clear eternal perspective. Trials are always opportunity.