I feel good...Oh I feel so good!!!

Oh the joy of cleaning ones house. Truly! I have felt so LAZY...laying there all the time waiting for the next round of vomiting. But the Lord has saw fit to have mercy on my soul and body. I started a regime of Zofran and Phenergan (sp?) in the evening followed up with Melatonin to help me sleep. These past three days I have been waking up feeling great! I have been scrubbing and organizing and getting my house back into shape. I still feel a little nauseous in the evenings, but I can handle that. I can drink water by the gulps again :) It is so nice. I am praying that this lasts. I am grateful to be pregnant, and by no means am I complaining about being sick due to the baby. However it does get to be a struggle after a couple of months of lying around and throwing up all the time.

Ray and I have some interesting news that I can only wet your palette with at this point. He has joined the Army Reserves. Yes you read that right. Details are to follow. Happy curiosity :)

He Loves Me

I loved this background because of what it said. "He Loves Me". "He" does. Well the three most important "He's". First my Father in Heaven and my Savior. And then my most wonderful husband. Our trip to Texas was an emotional trip for me. I found that though I have been 'healed' from the abuse and the resulting scars I continue to be healed on a deeper level. When I was there I remembered things, but not the physical, I remember the spiritual/emotional things. I remembered and "saw" myself as a little girl. Things really were as bad as I thought. I really was sad. But I 'saw' something else. The Lord had been taking care of me from the beginning. There is a syndrome often found in dysfunctional families. An emotional paralization (is that a word). One can become afraid to change, afraid to "leave" behaviors and feelings for fear of the physical and emotional distance it could place between them and their families. The Lord protected me from that, so to speak. My sexual abuse as a child began when I was a toddler. I believe because of my young age and the frequency of the abuse I dissociated to the point of not emotionally connecting to my parents or any family members. I loved them, but I don't remember having the feeling I couldn't live with out my family. I actually remember quite the opposite. I knew I was different than them, and I knew wanted to be different. I was honestly an awkward kid. I felt alone, but looking back I was not alone. My Savior was with me the whole time. Because of my lack of 'attachment' to my mother especially, I was able to start 'leaving' before I ever left. I remember knowing what was happening in my home was not right. I knew that life could be better. I knew I could be better, I could be different. I remember leaving for Utah. I wasn't sad to leave. I was relieved. I wasn't sure what exactly I was determined to do but I was determined never to be like them. I actually don't remember much of that first year. I ended up back in Texas because of depression. I left for Utah again ten months later. The interesting part for me is that I actually wasn't getting 'better'. I was in pretty bad shape. I was so lost emotionally, or so it seemed to everyone but the Lord. I was in his hands. I made really bad choices. I walked down some really lonely dark paths. I wandered. But I was looking. For something. For an answer. For understanding. I never forgot my Heavenly Father. I prayed a lot. Even with my inactivity from church, I never was inactive from the Lord. I didn't know how to not be broken. I know he knew that. He knew I wanted to change, and that I would. So he very carefully led me down a path that would ultimately bring me to my Ray of sunshine. I told Ray at some point during our dating time just how broken I was hoping to scare him away. Didn't work. It didn't seem to bother him. He has only been a blessing in my life. Even with the challenges presented to us this past year, I count him a blessing. He could have probably handle those years prior to my healings a bit better, but ultimately he handled them. He didn't leave. I have said this many times before but he went through so much with me. The hospital stays, the overdoses, me literally losing my mind, me not being able to take care of our children and having to stay with someone or taking them to someone else, mood swings from hell (quite literally), suicidal ideations, me pushing him away emotionally and physically. The emotional uncertainty of a crazy wife. I can refer to myself as crazy...I lived it! He never left. He never threatned to leave. And here we are...$24 in the bank. No job. Patiently waiting for funds to open the academy. I have been so sick with this pregnacy and with a cold this past few weeks/months. He has had to do everything. The house, the kids, me. He has never complained. Yep never. He huffs maybe, but never complains. All because HE LOVES ME!!!! Yesterday I felt good for at least 6 or 7 hours. He helped me clean...REALLY clean the kitchen, living room and school room. Today he is cleaning my room :) and he will probably fold the laundry. I am bossy. I am sometimes a bit over passionate....overbearing. He loves those things about me. He loves my weaknesses, my strengths, everything. And I believe it. I couldn't see it for so long, or maybe couldn't believe it? The other day I was so exhausted, but I needed to read my scriptures. I needed that 'nourishment'. I told the Lord I need to hear from him, to feel of the spirit. The Lord often speaks to me through my scriptures, leading me to one that I need right then whether it be a question posed from him or a statement. I was led to a scripture in 3 Nephi 12. Old things are done away, and all things have become new. I have felt that. I am new. My husband is new, and becoming newer :) When leaving Texas I felt myself saying good-bye to the past. Good-bye to all that once was, hello to a new future. The book is closed, it is all done. Recognizing and excepting my husbands unconditional love for me has been one of the culminating moments. I feel free to move on, to let him love me, to let my children love me, to let people love me. I feel free to love and live. I am not afraid of 'falling' (see link) anymore. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior which ultimately brought me to this point. I am who I am, I am where I am because of my Savior Jesus Christ.

Pics from Texas

The pictures are out of order :) These first few were taken in my Grandma's backyard. Ray was sword fighting with the kids.

I love this little boy!!!

She LOVES dirt! She was so happy to be digging and playing in it.

We took the kids to the East Texas Oil Museum. Love that place. You can click here to learn what it is all about, and they actually have some better pictures of the inside. They have a cool elevator that takes you to the center of the earth, almost. Aspen questioned its validity :) she said we would melt if we went to the center.

My friend Josh Ritter, who owns several horses, let us all go horseback riding. The kids loved it because he rode with them instead of just walking the horse around. As Aspen said it was 'real horseback riding, not baby horseback riding'. I rode too. I would post a picture of me on the horse, but I had to seek counseling myself after seeing the picture. You never look so fat as you do when you are up on horse, it squishes all the goods out for all to see. But I would get on that horse a million times over pictures or not for that FEELING. I wish I would have had longer. It takes a minute to find your rhythm. I will have horses one day, and I will ride all over these beautiful mountains. In the meantime I am grateful to friends who let me ride. The property the horses were at was just beautiful. There is a picture of the property that I when I took it I told Ray that when I am out on land like that, that is where I feel at home. There is something just so peaceful to me about a beautiful landscape and horses.

We put Alexa in her car seat during the festivities because we forgot the stroller. She was such a good sport she feel asleep :)

Oh the exciting car ride :) I am so scarred I believe it will be several decades before I EVER drive further than hour or so away from home. We were going down a hill so the kids put there hands in the air. They call hills roller coasters :)

The storm we had to drive through the morning we left.

Just a cute picture.

Home

Well we are home. Safe and sound. The drive both ways was so not fun for me. Our first day driving back I vomited the whole day. LOTS of FUN!!!! We got home Sunday (Dec 28th) night. Ray's parents came over Monday. We then drove down to Utah county to spend the next four days there. Tuesday (Dec 30th) was Alora's birthday, I will post on that later. I truly experienced a miracle on her birthday because from about 11AM to 9PM I only felt mildly nauseous. I tried to stay up till midnight for New Year's but at about 15 minutes till midnight I had to go to sleep because my body just could not take it anymore. I love that when you are pregnant you can go to bed at 8PM and sleep until 7 or 8AM the next morning and then still need a nap :) That is how my days usually go. I just don't always get the nap. Well usually I am sitting with the kids and I nod off and then I am woken up. I feel so out of it. Sometimes I feel in touch my mental facilities and other times I feel as if they have been taken over or maybe depleted. So please forgive me as my post will probably be sporactic. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and that you are well and finding health and happiness in the beginning of this new year!