He Loves Me

I loved this background because of what it said. "He Loves Me". "He" does. Well the three most important "He's". First my Father in Heaven and my Savior. And then my most wonderful husband. Our trip to Texas was an emotional trip for me. I found that though I have been 'healed' from the abuse and the resulting scars I continue to be healed on a deeper level. When I was there I remembered things, but not the physical, I remember the spiritual/emotional things. I remembered and "saw" myself as a little girl. Things really were as bad as I thought. I really was sad. But I 'saw' something else. The Lord had been taking care of me from the beginning. There is a syndrome often found in dysfunctional families. An emotional paralization (is that a word). One can become afraid to change, afraid to "leave" behaviors and feelings for fear of the physical and emotional distance it could place between them and their families. The Lord protected me from that, so to speak. My sexual abuse as a child began when I was a toddler. I believe because of my young age and the frequency of the abuse I dissociated to the point of not emotionally connecting to my parents or any family members. I loved them, but I don't remember having the feeling I couldn't live with out my family. I actually remember quite the opposite. I knew I was different than them, and I knew wanted to be different. I was honestly an awkward kid. I felt alone, but looking back I was not alone. My Savior was with me the whole time. Because of my lack of 'attachment' to my mother especially, I was able to start 'leaving' before I ever left. I remember knowing what was happening in my home was not right. I knew that life could be better. I knew I could be better, I could be different. I remember leaving for Utah. I wasn't sad to leave. I was relieved. I wasn't sure what exactly I was determined to do but I was determined never to be like them. I actually don't remember much of that first year. I ended up back in Texas because of depression. I left for Utah again ten months later. The interesting part for me is that I actually wasn't getting 'better'. I was in pretty bad shape. I was so lost emotionally, or so it seemed to everyone but the Lord. I was in his hands. I made really bad choices. I walked down some really lonely dark paths. I wandered. But I was looking. For something. For an answer. For understanding. I never forgot my Heavenly Father. I prayed a lot. Even with my inactivity from church, I never was inactive from the Lord. I didn't know how to not be broken. I know he knew that. He knew I wanted to change, and that I would. So he very carefully led me down a path that would ultimately bring me to my Ray of sunshine. I told Ray at some point during our dating time just how broken I was hoping to scare him away. Didn't work. It didn't seem to bother him. He has only been a blessing in my life. Even with the challenges presented to us this past year, I count him a blessing. He could have probably handle those years prior to my healings a bit better, but ultimately he handled them. He didn't leave. I have said this many times before but he went through so much with me. The hospital stays, the overdoses, me literally losing my mind, me not being able to take care of our children and having to stay with someone or taking them to someone else, mood swings from hell (quite literally), suicidal ideations, me pushing him away emotionally and physically. The emotional uncertainty of a crazy wife. I can refer to myself as crazy...I lived it! He never left. He never threatned to leave. And here we are...$24 in the bank. No job. Patiently waiting for funds to open the academy. I have been so sick with this pregnacy and with a cold this past few weeks/months. He has had to do everything. The house, the kids, me. He has never complained. Yep never. He huffs maybe, but never complains. All because HE LOVES ME!!!! Yesterday I felt good for at least 6 or 7 hours. He helped me clean...REALLY clean the kitchen, living room and school room. Today he is cleaning my room :) and he will probably fold the laundry. I am bossy. I am sometimes a bit over passionate....overbearing. He loves those things about me. He loves my weaknesses, my strengths, everything. And I believe it. I couldn't see it for so long, or maybe couldn't believe it? The other day I was so exhausted, but I needed to read my scriptures. I needed that 'nourishment'. I told the Lord I need to hear from him, to feel of the spirit. The Lord often speaks to me through my scriptures, leading me to one that I need right then whether it be a question posed from him or a statement. I was led to a scripture in 3 Nephi 12. Old things are done away, and all things have become new. I have felt that. I am new. My husband is new, and becoming newer :) When leaving Texas I felt myself saying good-bye to the past. Good-bye to all that once was, hello to a new future. The book is closed, it is all done. Recognizing and excepting my husbands unconditional love for me has been one of the culminating moments. I feel free to move on, to let him love me, to let my children love me, to let people love me. I feel free to love and live. I am not afraid of 'falling' (see link) anymore. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior which ultimately brought me to this point. I am who I am, I am where I am because of my Savior Jesus Christ.