Creepy!! Okay just creepy. At first I thought the comments were from my brother who has bi-polar disorder and gets obsessed with religious stuff. But then when I closed the blog this person left another comment talking about how they were trying to help me, and how they have a blog about our one true friend, and how we are supposed to listen to those who are in authority and then once again listed these weird scriptural references. It honestly had the feel of something from a weird sect leader who understood LDS beliefs. I was glad then that I switched things around. The weirdest part is that this person told me they had a blog, I go to it, and they had just started it minutes before sending me a comment. The time stamp on the only entry on the blog was last night just before they sent the comment. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So very weird. And the way the things were worded I am telling you, it was like off of a Dateline or 48 Hours or even better Criminal Minds. I had to have Ray give me a blessing today after this comment because it really scared me how they worded things, I was sure that this person was going to show up on my door step. The Lord said I would be protected and that no harm would come to me or my family. Now I feel peaceful.
Oh and one more thing. This person would come on to my blog 5 or 6 times a day. Sometimes more. I had noticed it and had already asked Heavenly Father to help me know if I needed to move to private because some of my older entries you can figure out quite easily where I live. I got my answer :)
So back to my 'normal' life. I was called to be a teacher in Relief Society. I LOVE teaching. It comes quite natural to me. My first lesson I will teach will be 'Faith in Jesus Christ', a topic that always brings me to tears. I can barely make it through a sacrament song with out crying, and I always cry when I sing hymns with my children at home.
Faith is such an essential part of this gospel. It is what propels us forward even when it seems all is lost. It is what we cling to when all is lost and He is all we have. Faith helps us to have a more positive outlook on life. But faith with out work or effort is like a life preserver with out the preserver.
I have been told that faith comes easy for me. I believe faith comes easy for all of us. You just have to consider what you faith in. Do you have faith in the unseen? or are you dependent on the flesh? Do you really have faith that the Lord will attend to all your needs? or are you afraid of his failing you so you "take care of yourself"? I believe so often our lack of faith in the Lord is because to have faith in Him we must control less, and that scares people. The irony is that the more you try to control something the less control you have. Faith also requires us to let go emotionally and mentally. When we have faith we don't complain, we don't rehearse our sad tale to whomever will listen, we stand tall, often with tears in our eyes, looking forward to our Savior. When we have faith we let go of our natural man tendencies to question, or doubt or to hurry things to as relieve our pain. When we have faith we try to see things through an eternal perspective understanding that sometimes things get hard but that the Lord will carry us through and that though things might not turn out the way we hoped, we look for opportunities to grow and to better understand the will of the Lord.
For me faith isn't knowing how anything will work out. Each time I exercise true faith the Lord never fails me. I ALWAYS have exactly what I need spiritually, emotionally and physically. Sometimes I receive more than I thought, sometimes it is less than I thought I needed. I enjoy the lessons of faith, though hard at times and humbling, I always learn and grow which is my ultimate goal.
My challenge will be for the class and you ;) to try this week and the next and so on to exercise more faith. How do you do that? For everyone it is different, each of us as our 'area' where we struggle. New things are hard, but this I promise you will be worth it. You know where you lack faith. Pray about it, journal about it and exercise it. Reach out to the Lord and express to him your desire and your fear in trying to have faith. He will assist you and help you along the way. He longs to be nearer to you and by exercising that new level of faith he can be.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Forgiveness. It is a very tricky thing. I remember when I was in the very beginning of my healing process and 1000 feet deep in therapy and I came across this talk by Elder Richard G Scott (Ensign May 1992? Healing The Tragic Scars of Abuse). I don't recall how I came upon the article, but it cut me to the core. I had to forgive to be healed. I had to forgive the people who hurt me the most, who quite literally ruined my life up to that point, in order for my heart to be ready for the Savior. I was so angry at first. Furious. How could the Lord expect me to forgive them? How could I? I was so hurt. It was months before I even found an answer as to where to begin.
To forgive is not to condone. One of my therapist helped me understand that. She was wonderful. She was a born again Christian and I a Mormon, so we agreed to disagree, she did however believe in healings because she herself had had one. The Lord took her cancer, all of it. The healing took place during a dream where she saw God and he told her that she was healed. The next morning she told the doctor the cancer was gone and she shared her experience. A scan was performed and the results were proof of her claim, she was cancer free. Beautiful.
Dr. Carol Moretz helped me to see how forgiveness was giving it to the Lord and showing him that we no longer "owned" this "issue". It took awhile to be able to give my pain and anger to the Lord. It wasn't done all at once. It was one memory, one gut wrenching memory at a time.
I find myself in a similar place again. I want to forgive these people who have hurt me so bad.
I was called selfish as a mother. I was asked at one point how I could ever feel the spirit, or close to God with how I am. I took it to mean my stubbornness in refusing to say that there was anything wrong with me or how I conduct myself, or that I had anything to repent of in regards to the situation. I was called judgemental and really on the whole my character was called into question and my motives for how I lived.
I feel defensive now. I feel ready for a fight when I step foot out of my house. It isn't a peaceful way to live. It isn't how I want to live.
When I was in the process of forgiving my abusers they lived no where near me and I had not contact with them. The reality of the abuse occurring again was not likely. I could keep them from my life. This situation is different.
These people are my direct neighbors. My children sometimes play with their children. They haven't for awhile, but it is inevitable that our paths cross again, especially considering we all go to church together. I don't hate them, I just am worried about what might come from their lips again.
So my question to the Lord has been, 'how do I forgive these people, love them as you would have me love them, and not fear their remarks?'. My mortal reaction at this point is to protect myself. I don't necessarily 'want' to love them. I just know that if I don't that it allows the adversary an opportunity to place a wedge between me and the Lord.
I know that as I pray about this, ponder it and really search the scriptures for an answer the Lord will help me see how to do this. I know I don't have to have it resolved tomorrow, but I can't quit either. The adversary loves these types of situations, because we either avoid it or stew over it, which allows him to bring us down and directly interfere with our eternal progression.
To forgive is not to condone. One of my therapist helped me understand that. She was wonderful. She was a born again Christian and I a Mormon, so we agreed to disagree, she did however believe in healings because she herself had had one. The Lord took her cancer, all of it. The healing took place during a dream where she saw God and he told her that she was healed. The next morning she told the doctor the cancer was gone and she shared her experience. A scan was performed and the results were proof of her claim, she was cancer free. Beautiful.
Dr. Carol Moretz helped me to see how forgiveness was giving it to the Lord and showing him that we no longer "owned" this "issue". It took awhile to be able to give my pain and anger to the Lord. It wasn't done all at once. It was one memory, one gut wrenching memory at a time.
I find myself in a similar place again. I want to forgive these people who have hurt me so bad.
I was called selfish as a mother. I was asked at one point how I could ever feel the spirit, or close to God with how I am. I took it to mean my stubbornness in refusing to say that there was anything wrong with me or how I conduct myself, or that I had anything to repent of in regards to the situation. I was called judgemental and really on the whole my character was called into question and my motives for how I lived.
I feel defensive now. I feel ready for a fight when I step foot out of my house. It isn't a peaceful way to live. It isn't how I want to live.
When I was in the process of forgiving my abusers they lived no where near me and I had not contact with them. The reality of the abuse occurring again was not likely. I could keep them from my life. This situation is different.
These people are my direct neighbors. My children sometimes play with their children. They haven't for awhile, but it is inevitable that our paths cross again, especially considering we all go to church together. I don't hate them, I just am worried about what might come from their lips again.
So my question to the Lord has been, 'how do I forgive these people, love them as you would have me love them, and not fear their remarks?'. My mortal reaction at this point is to protect myself. I don't necessarily 'want' to love them. I just know that if I don't that it allows the adversary an opportunity to place a wedge between me and the Lord.
I know that as I pray about this, ponder it and really search the scriptures for an answer the Lord will help me see how to do this. I know I don't have to have it resolved tomorrow, but I can't quit either. The adversary loves these types of situations, because we either avoid it or stew over it, which allows him to bring us down and directly interfere with our eternal progression.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Yesterday baby Ray almost chopped off his toe with a shovel. It happened late in the evening while he was at a neighbors house. I was feeling sick and so I was lieing on the couch while Ray was outside with the kids. I heard baby Ray screaming, and not the "I'm not getting my way"scream, it was a true in pain scream. I look outside to find Ray carrying him and he yells for me to grab some paper towels. I wanted to demand an explanation but I did as I was told.
Baby Ray's foot was covered in blood. My first thought is always "don't panic", panic never helps anything, and you can't think clearly if you are panicked. Ray washed his foot off and the damage was assessed. It looked like most the toe nail was gone, but it didn't look like it needed stitches. It looked like we could just bandage it and that we just need to keep him from bumping it (yeah right!).
We took him inside and washed the foot and cleaned the wound as well as we could, put antiseptic on it and bandaged it up. We tucked him in bed with his foot elevated and thought all to be well.
I talked to the neighbor and told her all looked well. I even joked that we were to cheap to go the ER, which really is half true. We have a $75 co-pay for ER visits. I don't have that right now. But really if he needed it we would have taken him, it just looked like superficial cut.
This morning when he got up and I checked on him I noticed there was still bright red blood on the gauze. Hmmm? That is curious I thought. I attributed it to him walking around instead of propping his foot up thus causing it to bleed a bit again. While I was getting ready for the day I heard him let out a grunt and then he started crying. I go out into the hall and the blood is now escaping its fancy bandaging, so I call the doc.
They were able to get us in right away. Dr. Foote is our doctor. Such a great guy. Really he is just so calm. He said there was some concern over the fact that the injury was over 6 hours old. He injected litacane into the toe so that he could better see the wound. It was determined that the whole toe nail was gone and that to help the new toe nail grow properly he would put in four stitches to pull the wound together and up. Baby Ray was so brave and very co-operative.
I worried initially that the doc was going to reprimand me for not going to ER originally. Instead he told me that they might not have stitched it there, but that he was doing it to help the toe nail grow out even. He reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, we make the best judgements we can in the moment. Thanks doc!!
Now I just have to find things for my little guy to do for the next few days until the stitches are taken out. He is not allowed to do anything, but sit so that he does not re-injure the toe :) Wee Fun!!
Baby Ray's foot was covered in blood. My first thought is always "don't panic", panic never helps anything, and you can't think clearly if you are panicked. Ray washed his foot off and the damage was assessed. It looked like most the toe nail was gone, but it didn't look like it needed stitches. It looked like we could just bandage it and that we just need to keep him from bumping it (yeah right!).
We took him inside and washed the foot and cleaned the wound as well as we could, put antiseptic on it and bandaged it up. We tucked him in bed with his foot elevated and thought all to be well.
I talked to the neighbor and told her all looked well. I even joked that we were to cheap to go the ER, which really is half true. We have a $75 co-pay for ER visits. I don't have that right now. But really if he needed it we would have taken him, it just looked like superficial cut.
This morning when he got up and I checked on him I noticed there was still bright red blood on the gauze. Hmmm? That is curious I thought. I attributed it to him walking around instead of propping his foot up thus causing it to bleed a bit again. While I was getting ready for the day I heard him let out a grunt and then he started crying. I go out into the hall and the blood is now escaping its fancy bandaging, so I call the doc.
They were able to get us in right away. Dr. Foote is our doctor. Such a great guy. Really he is just so calm. He said there was some concern over the fact that the injury was over 6 hours old. He injected litacane into the toe so that he could better see the wound. It was determined that the whole toe nail was gone and that to help the new toe nail grow properly he would put in four stitches to pull the wound together and up. Baby Ray was so brave and very co-operative.
I worried initially that the doc was going to reprimand me for not going to ER originally. Instead he told me that they might not have stitched it there, but that he was doing it to help the toe nail grow out even. He reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, we make the best judgements we can in the moment. Thanks doc!!
Now I just have to find things for my little guy to do for the next few days until the stitches are taken out. He is not allowed to do anything, but sit so that he does not re-injure the toe :) Wee Fun!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
The individuals left with nothing more to say and me speechless. My husband called just a few minutes later and I just cried and told him what had been said. I was hurt. I felt instead of being offered a hand, I was told everything I was doing wrong and how I was failing my children. The part that was the hardest was having someone question my ability to handle my children and to even be so bold as to call me selfish for having another child.
A couple of weeks later when I had a could attend church again, with my husband by my side, I was approached by the person who had offered her opinion. She said "I am sorry that you were offended by what I said." I was a bit taken back by what she said so I asked her to repeat herself, and she "I heard that you were offended by what I said, and I am sorry that you took offence to it." My feelings were hurt, but now, NOW I am offended. You are sorry that I am offended but such a comment. Is it surprising I was hurt by that? Is this a comment that people usually enjoy and are not offended by? You came into my house when I was hurt and feeling lonely and sick and needed help and questioned my motherhood, and I am supposed to be okay with that?
The conversation was very heated, for my part for sure. I was told that I was selfish again and that I offended most people in the ward with my behaviors. Really who? Who are all these people that come to you and confide in you their grievances and are afraid to come to me?
I was told that the reason that people don't come to me is because of who I am, they are afraid of me. It was given the example of my reaction to this superficial apology. I asked her if what I was 'supposed' to say was "no, no it is okay that you said what you did" and then move on. Yeah, well I don't do 'supposed to's'. What was said was not okay, and I didn't understand why it was said.
As the conversation progressed it was revealed that really there were only two people I had offended. And as that onion was peeled a bit more it was this individuals personal feelings about my behavior in regards to these people that was the motivation behind the remark.
She felt me to have never offered assistance to someone who had helped me when my husband was gone last year, and this year was in need of help. What she didn't know was the correspondence between that person and I regarding this and our own resolutions. The best part is neither of the people she felt me to have offended ever came to her or anyone she knew with a grievance or complaint against me. It was all inferred, or assumed. So she came into my home already determined that I was selfish and that she was going to put me in my place, and instead injured me to the core.
What she doesn't know about me is the lengths I go to be a good mother. What she doesn't know is that I prayed for this pregnancy after my miscarriage. What she doesn't know is who I am. She determined who I "should" be.
And after that experience I went to TN where again I felt myself being held to a standard that was unfair. Because I did not behave in a manner that others had determined to be Christlike and appropriate, I was wrong.
And today this person, I believe not maliciously, came to my house to see how I felt about the relief society. How do I feel? I worry now, I feel uncomfortable at church. Well when I am walking through the hall. That some how I will yet again be misunderstood and someone will determine me to be selfish or ungrateful.
The conversation was intense. I felt that it was being requested of me that I respond in a certain way about my feelings. That I say things that I don't really feel. I don't think ill of the person that hurt of my feelings. I am sad because of what she said. And yes I do worry that there are other people walking around out there, not understanding who I am, judging me and determining me to be selfish or an unfit mother.
I am not fluffy. I am not sure how to help people get that. I will never be "fluffy". I have literally been to hell and back, you don't come back "fluffy". I am me. I say what I think, and I think what I say. I will never lie to you. I will never say something just to say it. I will never say anything the way you think I need to say it. I don't wake up for you, I don't live for you. If you have a problem with me then take it to the Lord. I am sorry that I am "scary" or that I come off "combative". Maybe it is because you are just used to people walking on eggs shells for you, instead of just being honest about how they feel. I am sorry that you don't understand me, but to relieve you of your stress please know you don't have to understand me, just let me be me, just like I let you be you. I never come to your house and tell you that I think you need to stop being who you are. Heaven is heaven because we spend more time loving and serving than measuring and fixing.
A couple of weeks later when I had a could attend church again, with my husband by my side, I was approached by the person who had offered her opinion. She said "I am sorry that you were offended by what I said." I was a bit taken back by what she said so I asked her to repeat herself, and she "I heard that you were offended by what I said, and I am sorry that you took offence to it." My feelings were hurt, but now, NOW I am offended. You are sorry that I am offended but such a comment. Is it surprising I was hurt by that? Is this a comment that people usually enjoy and are not offended by? You came into my house when I was hurt and feeling lonely and sick and needed help and questioned my motherhood, and I am supposed to be okay with that?
The conversation was very heated, for my part for sure. I was told that I was selfish again and that I offended most people in the ward with my behaviors. Really who? Who are all these people that come to you and confide in you their grievances and are afraid to come to me?
I was told that the reason that people don't come to me is because of who I am, they are afraid of me. It was given the example of my reaction to this superficial apology. I asked her if what I was 'supposed' to say was "no, no it is okay that you said what you did" and then move on. Yeah, well I don't do 'supposed to's'. What was said was not okay, and I didn't understand why it was said.
As the conversation progressed it was revealed that really there were only two people I had offended. And as that onion was peeled a bit more it was this individuals personal feelings about my behavior in regards to these people that was the motivation behind the remark.
She felt me to have never offered assistance to someone who had helped me when my husband was gone last year, and this year was in need of help. What she didn't know was the correspondence between that person and I regarding this and our own resolutions. The best part is neither of the people she felt me to have offended ever came to her or anyone she knew with a grievance or complaint against me. It was all inferred, or assumed. So she came into my home already determined that I was selfish and that she was going to put me in my place, and instead injured me to the core.
What she doesn't know about me is the lengths I go to be a good mother. What she doesn't know is that I prayed for this pregnancy after my miscarriage. What she doesn't know is who I am. She determined who I "should" be.
And after that experience I went to TN where again I felt myself being held to a standard that was unfair. Because I did not behave in a manner that others had determined to be Christlike and appropriate, I was wrong.
And today this person, I believe not maliciously, came to my house to see how I felt about the relief society. How do I feel? I worry now, I feel uncomfortable at church. Well when I am walking through the hall. That some how I will yet again be misunderstood and someone will determine me to be selfish or ungrateful.
The conversation was intense. I felt that it was being requested of me that I respond in a certain way about my feelings. That I say things that I don't really feel. I don't think ill of the person that hurt of my feelings. I am sad because of what she said. And yes I do worry that there are other people walking around out there, not understanding who I am, judging me and determining me to be selfish or an unfit mother.
I am not fluffy. I am not sure how to help people get that. I will never be "fluffy". I have literally been to hell and back, you don't come back "fluffy". I am me. I say what I think, and I think what I say. I will never lie to you. I will never say something just to say it. I will never say anything the way you think I need to say it. I don't wake up for you, I don't live for you. If you have a problem with me then take it to the Lord. I am sorry that I am "scary" or that I come off "combative". Maybe it is because you are just used to people walking on eggs shells for you, instead of just being honest about how they feel. I am sorry that you don't understand me, but to relieve you of your stress please know you don't have to understand me, just let me be me, just like I let you be you. I never come to your house and tell you that I think you need to stop being who you are. Heaven is heaven because we spend more time loving and serving than measuring and fixing.
Let's be honest. I am not your usual usual. I am not like anyone else. This summer has been let's say "interesting". Emotionally trying. I am not sure why the sudden out pouring of individuals who find it necessary to tell me why who I am is not okay.
Someone came to my house today to ask about how I felt about relief society. Here is why she wanted to know.
In June my husband was gone for two weeks for the military. I hurt my back. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand up, and even laying down was excruciating. I called and asked for advice from a neighbor. I did call my sister-in-law. One has five children and lives 45 minutes away and the other just had her fourth a month earlier and lives 1 and half hours away. I just wanted to let the one with the five kids know that I might be needing her help the next day. I then called someone else for more help. She came over. After massaging and doing heat and ice I determine I wanted to go to the ER because I was in so much pain. We went and of course it took a million hours. We got back to my house around 4AM with me doped up on Loritab. I am useless on pain killers. I was out cold once I got home. This person came back to get my children ready and off to church, which by the way I was not even conscience for. Around 11AM some individuals came back to give me a blessing and to "plan" what to do.
I was rebuked for not calling my visiting teacher's. You mean the one I don't know? or the other one I don't know? And rebuked for not having my children do more. What? "You could have your kids clean up this mess, parents these days don't make their kids responsible enough?" For starters the "mess" was blocks. And yes my house does look a bit lived in, I am pregnant and sick and I have 8 million children, okay 5 but sometimes it feels like more :) Oh and did I mentioned I hurt my back and couldn't walk? Excruciating pain? The rebuke went on but I didn't really listen too much because I felt like this person wasn't seeing me, they were seeing I don't know what, but they weren't seeing a woman in a vulnerable position who just needed help for a day or so.
The question was proposed "well what should be done about this?", meaning my situation. It was pronounced by an individual that I had exhausted all the resources of the relief society and its president so I was just going to need to find family to help me. Okay. The exhausted resource was that when I had my tonsils out the relief society help for two and half days about 6 hours each time take care of my children because I couldn't talk. By the last day I was much improved. My sister in laws who live on the other side of the earth could not come up...one had literally just had a baby. And mind you I don't have a mom, well the active loving kind who want to be a part of your life. And the other exhausted part was that someone from the relief society had come and helped me go to the hospital. At this point, I was like 'whatever'. I can do alone. I am a professional survivor.
As the last two individuals were preparing to leave one says to me, "Isn't it quite selfish of you.". What? "Isn't it quite selfish of you to have another child when you can't even take care of the ones you have?"
"uh well that isn't for you to decide, and just because my house is a bit cluttered doesn't mean I can't take care of my children, and besides if the Lord felt it was okay for me to have another baby, then I am okay with having another baby, and if he is okay with how things are going then I am okay with how things are going. And what an incredible opportunity for my children to witness service with me being sick and hurt while their father is away."
Someone came to my house today to ask about how I felt about relief society. Here is why she wanted to know.
In June my husband was gone for two weeks for the military. I hurt my back. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand up, and even laying down was excruciating. I called and asked for advice from a neighbor. I did call my sister-in-law. One has five children and lives 45 minutes away and the other just had her fourth a month earlier and lives 1 and half hours away. I just wanted to let the one with the five kids know that I might be needing her help the next day. I then called someone else for more help. She came over. After massaging and doing heat and ice I determine I wanted to go to the ER because I was in so much pain. We went and of course it took a million hours. We got back to my house around 4AM with me doped up on Loritab. I am useless on pain killers. I was out cold once I got home. This person came back to get my children ready and off to church, which by the way I was not even conscience for. Around 11AM some individuals came back to give me a blessing and to "plan" what to do.
I was rebuked for not calling my visiting teacher's. You mean the one I don't know? or the other one I don't know? And rebuked for not having my children do more. What? "You could have your kids clean up this mess, parents these days don't make their kids responsible enough?" For starters the "mess" was blocks. And yes my house does look a bit lived in, I am pregnant and sick and I have 8 million children, okay 5 but sometimes it feels like more :) Oh and did I mentioned I hurt my back and couldn't walk? Excruciating pain? The rebuke went on but I didn't really listen too much because I felt like this person wasn't seeing me, they were seeing I don't know what, but they weren't seeing a woman in a vulnerable position who just needed help for a day or so.
The question was proposed "well what should be done about this?", meaning my situation. It was pronounced by an individual that I had exhausted all the resources of the relief society and its president so I was just going to need to find family to help me. Okay. The exhausted resource was that when I had my tonsils out the relief society help for two and half days about 6 hours each time take care of my children because I couldn't talk. By the last day I was much improved. My sister in laws who live on the other side of the earth could not come up...one had literally just had a baby. And mind you I don't have a mom, well the active loving kind who want to be a part of your life. And the other exhausted part was that someone from the relief society had come and helped me go to the hospital. At this point, I was like 'whatever'. I can do alone. I am a professional survivor.
As the last two individuals were preparing to leave one says to me, "Isn't it quite selfish of you.". What? "Isn't it quite selfish of you to have another child when you can't even take care of the ones you have?"
"uh well that isn't for you to decide, and just because my house is a bit cluttered doesn't mean I can't take care of my children, and besides if the Lord felt it was okay for me to have another baby, then I am okay with having another baby, and if he is okay with how things are going then I am okay with how things are going. And what an incredible opportunity for my children to witness service with me being sick and hurt while their father is away."
Friday, August 13, 2010
I have feedjit on my side bar because my blog is not set to private. I love sharing my thoughts on life with others but I want to be able to keep an eye out if you will for "unusual" activity. It shows that an individual from Orem is stopping by several times a day. If you are this person could you please send me an email at andraeleigh@live.com and let me know who you are. Maybe your computer has a glitch and if you stop by once it decides to visit lots more. Or maybe you are stopping by lots, I would just like to know who you are. Thank you.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I like Marshall Mathers aka Eminem. Okay let me clarify just a bit. I do not like his old music. I was never a fan. The old Eminem was a troubled soul. I saw an interview with him recently some where about his new album 'Recovery'. He was a changed man. It was interesting listening to him because to a certain extent I could relate. I have never done drugs. But the recovery part, the part where you have to face the darkest parts of your soul. I have been there. His song 'Not Afraid', makes me cry. Sounds silly maybe. If you read the lyrics on line the profanity is there which takes away from it. The edited version though is much more moving. Rap moving. The thing is if you listen to it and picture yourself once trapped by addiction, sorrow, selfish and an intense feeling of loneliness and then picture the birth from that. The realization of how selfish you were, how selfish the people who hurt you were and then the realization that you are important and that you have what it takes to succeed. It is empowering and beautiful. In the video he falls if you will from the end of the road, and he allows himself to fall for a moment and then he chooses to literally rise above it all. Overcoming depression is very much like that. You give into it a little bit and recognize that it is what it is and then one choice at a time, one prayer, one grateful thought at a time you rise above it never to go back. My favorite line is "I'm not afraid to take a stand". Standing up to the demons, to the darkness that takes over during your recovery, takes incredible courage. It is not for the faint of heart. But the actions are not so much outward, it is a mental battle. No one will ever see that battle. It is between you, your soul and God. When with God at your side you over come that darkness, that depression and sadness, you truly feel ready to take on the world. You are moved to help all the souls who struggle with the same thing. You want them all to know it is possible. That there can be an end to the madness. I hope that this new album helps people like he has intended for it to do. I am grateful for people like him who can put emotion into song. I look forward to seeing how this new lease on life empowers him.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I love this picture of me and Arwyn! I actually ended up falling down the stairs with her at the temple and dropping her. It was so awful. I just sat there and cried. I think the angels must have softened her fall because she didn't even get a bump or a bruise.
Here we are just as couples. Ten years and seven weddings.
These are the Griffin originals :)
Ten years and 20 grandkids with 2 on the way and maybe some we don't know about yet :)
This pic is just funny to me :)
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