Forgiveness. It is a very tricky thing. I remember when I was in the very beginning of my healing process and 1000 feet deep in therapy and I came across this talk by Elder Richard G Scott (Ensign May 1992? Healing The Tragic Scars of Abuse). I don't recall how I came upon the article, but it cut me to the core. I had to forgive to be healed. I had to forgive the people who hurt me the most, who quite literally ruined my life up to that point, in order for my heart to be ready for the Savior. I was so angry at first. Furious. How could the Lord expect me to forgive them? How could I? I was so hurt. It was months before I even found an answer as to where to begin.

To forgive is not to condone. One of my therapist helped me understand that. She was wonderful. She was a born again Christian and I a Mormon, so we agreed to disagree, she did however believe in healings because she herself had had one. The Lord took her cancer, all of it. The healing took place during a dream where she saw God and he told her that she was healed. The next morning she told the doctor the cancer was gone and she shared her experience. A scan was performed and the results were proof of her claim, she was cancer free. Beautiful.

Dr. Carol Moretz helped me to see how forgiveness was giving it to the Lord and showing him that we no longer "owned" this "issue". It took awhile to be able to give my pain and anger to the Lord. It wasn't done all at once. It was one memory, one gut wrenching memory at a time.

I find myself in a similar place again. I want to forgive these people who have hurt me so bad.

I was called selfish as a mother. I was asked at one point how I could ever feel the spirit, or close to God with how I am. I took it to mean my stubbornness in refusing to say that there was anything wrong with me or how I conduct myself, or that I had anything to repent of in regards to the situation. I was called judgemental and really on the whole my character was called into question and my motives for how I lived.

I feel defensive now. I feel ready for a fight when I step foot out of my house. It isn't a peaceful way to live. It isn't how I want to live.

When I was in the process of forgiving my abusers they lived no where near me and I had not contact with them. The reality of the abuse occurring again was not likely. I could keep them from my life. This situation is different.

These people are my direct neighbors. My children sometimes play with their children. They haven't for awhile, but it is inevitable that our paths cross again, especially considering we all go to church together. I don't hate them, I just am worried about what might come from their lips again.

So my question to the Lord has been, 'how do I forgive these people, love them as you would have me love them, and not fear their remarks?'. My mortal reaction at this point is to protect myself. I don't necessarily 'want' to love them. I just know that if I don't that it allows the adversary an opportunity to place a wedge between me and the Lord.

I know that as I pray about this, ponder it and really search the scriptures for an answer the Lord will help me see how to do this. I know I don't have to have it resolved tomorrow, but I can't quit either. The adversary loves these types of situations, because we either avoid it or stew over it, which allows him to bring us down and directly interfere with our eternal progression.