Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

So today I turned 32. I slept in until 6AM :) when Alexa woke up, and then I slept in again (Ray took Alexa) until 8AM when my sister-in-laws surprised me by rushing to my bed side singing happy birthday. We had breakfast at Einstein Bagels, and then me, Ray, Aspen and Alora, Rach and her family, Steph and her family all went to the Bishop's Storehouse to serve for a few hours. We came home had cake and ice-cream, I opened presents and visited for a bit...and now here I am. Last night I KNEW what I was going to do for my birthday...I have seen on some blogs where when it is someone's birthday that depending on the age of that person they share however many things they like about them...well I am going to share with you 32 things I love about myself...Ray asked if it might not be egotistical but I assured him I do not think I am better than anyone but I am allowed to think that I am awesome :)

1. I love that I live with purpose.
2. I love my testimony.
3. I love that I think that I am funny. I crack myself up when I am all alone in my kitchen or where ever.
4. I love that I push myself.
5. I love that I love to sleep in :)
6. I love that I love to cook.
7. I love that I love photography.
8. I love that I love my family so much it makes me cry sometimes.
9. I love that I am courageous.
10. I love that I think that I am the best driver out there.
11. I love that I talk A LOT.
12. I love that my bedside table is always covered in books.
13. I love that I keep a journal.
14. I love that I love people, except the ones that annoy me :) hehe..no really I love them too eventually :)
15. I love that sometimes I think I am actually cool :)
16. I love that I laugh loud.
17. I love that I think....A LOT.
18. I love that I homeschool my kids.
19. I love that I pretend to be a professional dancer when I dance all alone in my living room.
20. I love that I sing and dance at some point everyday with my children.
21. I love that I sing in my car like I am a rockstar whether I am alone or with my children.
22. I love that I dance while singing in my car.
23. I love that I sing and pump my fist to the beat or the words of songs when listening to my ipod while running...(Forever by Chris Brown, No Air by Jordin Sparks, No One Alicia Keys, Eye of the Tiger, The Final Countdown!!!!!)
24. I love that Christmas music or even deep thoughts about Christmas and what it means can make me emotional.
25. I love that music can make me emotional.
26. I love that I am dramatic.
27. I love that I have moments where I am lazy.
28. I love that once I make a friend you are my friend for life.
29. I love that once we are introduced I consider you my friend :)
30. I love that I am determined.
31. I love that I have faith.
32. I love that I love myself.

picture disclaimer :) that is an OLD photo...but actually a photo I keep of myself in my TOJS book to encourage me :) I have lost a little over 20lbs...so ???lbs here I come :)

So excited

This is my favorite time of the year!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously! My birthday, Thanksgiving, putting up the Christmas tree and all the decorations, the parties, Christmas, Alora's birthday, New Year's, Aspen's birthday, Ray's birthday. Lots of stuff happening! I love the feelings, the music, the smells, the memories, and the opportunities! I feel like a kid during this time of year. I want to hug everyone, and sing and dance all the day long :) And this week starts it all off! I hope all of y'all have a wonderful Holiday season. I hope you find much to be thankful this week and that you have many opportunities to bare testimony of our Lord and Savior this Christmas season.

Dairy Farm

Steph and I took the kids to a local dairy farm on Friday. I imagine that we learned more than kids because we were asking so many questions. It is a technical thing, dairy farming that is. The kids thought it smelled bad :) but they loved the cows. One cow was especially fond of Belle as pictured below. And the kids got to pet the calves that were only a two weeks old. I love farms. I love the stinky smell. I love what they represent. The hard work. The discipline. I felt peaceful there. Weird probably. But really there is something wonderful about farms!

This is where the cows are milked.

Petting one of the recently born calves...

I think this cow liked Belle or wanted in the picture :)

Just cute

What if

At some point in these past few weeks while Ray and I were discussing this possible job opportunity I mentioned to him the idea that what if we get the job, pray about it and then the Lord says no don't go? We talked about it a little but never visited the subject again. Last night while I was sitting in the temple one of the many things I was talking to my Heavenly Father about was the job situation. I love being in the temple when praying because I am not falling asleep, no one is calling my name, and I feel so close to the spirit. I was telling Heavenly Father that I am ready for a steady job, and that I felt unsettled in side. I sat for a moment not really thinking and I had the impression where do you want to live? uh what? me? really? I can have an opinion on the matter. Well then I don't know. Where do I want to live? I almost felt uncomfortable with the idea that I might be able to decide. On my way home from the temple I called a friend who lives out of state so that I might be able to visit with her uninterrupted for at least 20 minutes :) She lives in Arizona and was sharing her excitement about their proposition on marriage passing. We shared our feelings about the adversary declaring war truly and that things would get worse, but what a beautiful thing b/c it means we are also preparing for the return of our Savior. As of this morning I still had not decided. I received in email from my sister-in-law with a story from a woman in LA who was present at the temple during the protest. The woman mentioned people climbing on the temple gates. I am a fact based person and wanted to find out for my self if people were really on the gates so I will to latimes.com and searched for photos of that nights protest. Sure enough there in some 34 photos were only a few but enough for me. To see those angry, hostile, and thoughtless individuals hanging and sitting on the gates broke my heart. I tried not to cry but it hurt to bad really. How could they do that to the Lord’s temple I thought? Are they so desperate in justifying their actions to desecrate such holy grounds? I was not so much worried in that moment about whether or not they could have gotten in as I was worried about their desperateness, their anger and hostility. There truly is a spiritual war raging. I thought of my children. I thought of what it would mean for us living on the east coast. I thought to myself if truly I have an option, then I want to stay here. I want to raise my kids here in Utah where our numbers are definitely greater than any where else. I grew up in Texas. There were four Mormons at my church. I have lived on the east coast for a total of 8 years. I like the “mission field” as some would call it. There are lots of missionary opportunities. I homeschool so I don’t really have to worry about influences at school. But right now I like the idea of being here. I feel like my beliefs are everywhere I turn. I love that LDS chapels dot the landscape of the valley. I love that when I was working out at the gym that I could hear women talk about their callings and what they had been praying about. I love that the other day I heard an older man say to another older gentleman who he did not know, “you look like a stake president, are you a stake president, boy you sure look like it?” The other responded with a smile, “Well I am his first counselor.” How cute is that? I know some of y’all who read my blog are out on the east coast. There is so much out there. The museums are truly amazing. There is New York. Oh I love New York. The aquarium’s rock. The knowledge, there is just so much to learn from, I mean it is a very historic area. And beautiful, there is nothing quite like a New England fall. Is it bad if I want to stay? Is it putting my head in the sand if I want to raise my kids here? OH yeah! Family! Tons of family is here, and there is so much to do with family. If the Lord posed the question to you, ‘Where do you want to live?’ what would you say? Ray and I will continue to pray about it, but as of this moment we want to stay.

Being Private

I already feel better in going private. I am not sure why though, but I will take it. I am sad that I lost all my links to all the blogs I like to read...I guess I will just have to stay up late some night trying to find them all again...if I was really smart I would have saved the addresses somewhere..but that is if I was really smart...

We went to the final BYU home game on Saturday and celebrated my nieces 8th birthday while we were down. My sister-in-law was the bravest soul of all that day for she watched 9 children 6 and under so that Ray, Aspen and I as well as Steph, Sunny and Craig could all go to the game. She scored many blessings that day I am sure of it.

I feel very peaceful today. Could be the result of a blessing I got yesterday :) My house is a wreck from being gone all day three days in row. The kids are arguing over toothpaste and Alexa is wrestling a dump truck UP the stairs and squealing all the while not winning and yet I feel so calm. We are still waiting to hear from Lutron. Oh wait...I have not yet revealed that little token of a treat have I? Well about two weeks ago we interviewed with Lutron and it went really well, and the last we heard from them is that we needed to wait for them to contact us about "the next step". Here is the really exciting part...it would take us back to PA. How do we feel about that you may ask? Peaceful...we know the Lord will take care of us and if that means us moving back across the country then so be it. Life is grand with all its twists and turns. It definitely keeps you on your toes.

So here at the Griffin home we are private and peaceful :)

My healing story

I have been making contact with old friends from Texas (since I am getting ready to go visit)and giving them my blog address. Many of you that have already been reading "know" about my healing. My healing is important to me because of what it freed me from. For so long I wander in a dark abyss as a result of the abuse inflicted upon me both as a toddler and as a teenager. Others witnessed me making choices that are so contrary to what I have always believed but never felt worthy of living. So I share my story in a way of saying 'here is the real me'...'here is the me that was hidden behind all that sadness, confusion and loneliness'. I am who I am because my Savior healed me.


To you -


This record was originally recorded in October 2003, I have made appropriate changes to keep the story up to date. My hope is that my story will bring people closer to the Savior, and that others will seek for themselves their own healing.
As a very young child until about the age 9 I was the victim of sexual abuse from my uncle and then as an adolescent from my father, as well as verbal and physical abuse from my parents. I struggled through my years in school trying to understand my identity, my purpose and my role in my own life. When I graduated from high school, I moved to Utah only to continue my life in a very scarred and damaged state of mind. I knew there was a God, and I knew the scriptures were true (I believe our Heavenly Father blessed me with these gifts). I attempted to believe Him and what the scriptures said of His power. I was alone physically, but I also felt alone emotionally. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know where or how to begin. I imagine that many who were witness to my life at that point felt I was a lost cause, or one of those sad stories, but I know the Lord saw it different. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know a side of a healthy emotional life that thankfully many do know. I did pray. I lived the best way I knew how. When I met Ray I was more firm in my conviction to change. I broke off a long-time unhealthy relationship, and began to read my scriptures more regulary, returned to church and tried to figure out who I was. Though I was growing I was still weak. I know I was supposed to marry Ray. I knew this while we were dating, but due to dysfunctional habits I attempted to sabotage the relationship. I am thankful to a Heavenly Father who despite my attempt blessed us with the chance to marry. It was then that the Lord’s hand became even more visible to me in my life.
I have always believed I could be healed. I had been to counselor after counselor; I had been on almost every medication available for anxiety and depression (literally). I had been diagnosed with every disorder associated with abuse and then some. As I look back and consider all that as happened I remember a blessing I got just before I met Ray. I was reminded of the presence of the Lord in my life, His knowledge of my struggles and that He would heal me in due time. In my life there was a cycle where I would go to a psychologist and a few months later or sooner feel it appropriate to stop my sessions and turn to the Lord solely for my healing. This would last for a time, and then again something would occur in my life requiring medicine and professional counseling. This cycle reoccurred often in my life. I am thankful for the professionals who helped me; their knowledge passed to me was what the Lord was able to use as tools to help me grow. After Alora’s birth (my second child) life was the hardest. There were times I honestly didn’t think I would survive because the physical pain was as great as the emotional. Oh when I look back I see the Lord’s hand. I clung to a talk that Elder Richard G Scott (a member of the Quorom of Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) gave a few conferences back. (October Conference 2002) He said to those of us that have been abused that we could be healed completely, that we would not have to seek counseling for the rest of our days, that there was an end to it all through our Savior.
September 2003 Mom Griffin and I attended a women’s conference in Tennessee. With a heart full of gratitude for all my blessings and for such a great opportunity we returned home. That Tuesday Mom and I were discussing my future in consideration of my meds and therapy. She discussed with me her fear of me suddenly stopping my meds as I had frequently done before. I told her naively that I would not discontinue my meds this time around “until the Lord Himself told me I could”. That evening I sat to read my scriptures, before beginning however I read a letter Pat Vassilaros (a friend) wrote me. Note: this letter was written in May of 2003 from Germany, mailed but did not surface in PA until that August , it was forgotten about, then mailed to me in Ohio. I do not believe this letter was a coincidence. As I read the words she wrote by inspiration my heart was full. She shared a story about a tree there that people referred to as the ‘Jesus-oak’. She continues with – “I believe these people were healed not because of a special tree but because of their faith in Jesus Christ. I believe, so you will be healed-not because of your medicine or counseling necessarily-although they help-but because you have such great faith in the Savior. The more you focus on Him & His healing power the more you will heal all parts of your life. The Lord loves you so much- He has a mission for you here that only you can do. I know you will be healed. . . You are even now in the Lord’s hands and He will heal you in His perfect way and perfect time.” When I came to Ohio I was determined to heal. I have borne the burden placed on me by others long enough. In my heart the only way to do this was to submerge myself in His words. I read the scriptures, I read whatever else my hands found that contained words from Him through His leaders. I pled with Heavenly Father to lead me and to heal me, to help me know what I needed to do so that He could. As I prayed I never felt good about returning promptly to counseling. On one occasion after praying about love and my desire to understand it better, I was counseled by the spirit to read ‘Jesus the Christ’ (written by Elder James E Talmage) and that upon completion I would have the desired understanding and then some. Not only was that promised fulfilled even as I read, but by reading this book I have gained an understanding and an undeniable testimony that Jesus is the Christ and the He lives! On another occasion I was sitting outside in Dad Griffin’s hammock with my girls, it was a beautiful clear day, I heard the words “I brought you here to heal you my way” as if Heavenly Father were right beside me. My thoughts following were of realization of why Ray was still in PA working, why things were going the way they were and why I had not felt prompted to get counseling immediately. (please see addendum A) Pat did not realize the truth of her words; “even now you are in the Lord’s hands”. I was, even on that night. I bowed my head to pray after finishing her much-inspired letter. As I opened my heart to the Lord and shared with Him my aches, the spirit filled me as never before. I only have layman words to describe the experience. There was fullness in my heart, and a peace filled my body that words cannot describe, and my body felt lifted though I was kneeling on the floor. I heard the Savior’s voice say to me, ‘you are healed, you may continue in life, have babies and nurse them without struggle or medicine, you are free from it all, cease from taking your medication and go on.’ I sat in that most beautiful feeling and wept in thanksgiving and unworthiness. I questioned why the Lord would bless me in such a way. I did discontinue my meds as directed, and the following night received an answer to my question of my worthiness in our Heavenly Father’s eyes. I was sitting on the couch attempting to read “Jesus the Christ”. I was praying about my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and while still considering the miracle of the night before. (I had just gone a day with out any meds and it was as if I had never been on them) Who was I, why and how could I possibly be of any importance to Him? I believed in Them, but me, I was just Andraé. Again the spirit filled me. My heart was full and I was overcome by the Spirit, my mind was silenced for a moment and then I heard in my mind a voice say “you are My daughter”. I knew the voice was that of my Heavenly Father. I wish I could tell you what these words meant to me. I had been abused all of my life; my very identity was stolen from me. To hear that I am His daughter placed within my heart something that has completed me. I was not just this person existing, I was known and in that moment I realized I truly am a daughter of God. I have not been on my meds since that Tuesday, and there have been no withdrawals, no nightmares, no panic attacks, no depression; my mind and my heart were healed and cleansed from the awful affects of abuse. There was no fanfare, no magic just words. I am healed. I testify to you of our Savior’s healing power. Even today it is manifest. Miracles are performed quietly, yet it gives me an opportunity to sound “as a trumpet” of His majesty and power. I believe in the small everyday things like daily prayer, faith, scripture study etc., with out these we have no foundation. I know our Heavenly Father literally hears our prayers, He knows us by name, and will never forsake us. I know we have a wonderful opportunity to live here on earth to learn, to be tested, and to grow. What a marvelous thing. I believe as well that these trials are a chance “that the works of God may be manifest”. I share these things with you that you may know of His healing power even in our day. This story is very sacred to me and I share with you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, who lives. Amen.


Addendum A
I would have on occasion moments of what I call purging. I would be journaling, as I learned through therapy, praying or reading and my heart and mind would fill to utter capacity with such intense sad emotions and horrible memories. Emotions and memories I had been living with all my life. During these moments, my body would hurt and ache terribly. Sometimes my tears were just as much for the physical pain as the emotional pain. I would plead with Heavenly Father during these times, to help me, to take it from me. As I look back I realize in those moments and in others He was taking it from me. I know that He could not just remove it from me, there were things I needed to learn as I went through the healing process. That is how it has been since I left home. He has never left me, He has been healing me all along. In the moments I thought He was farthest away He was actually right there with me, urging me ever so quietly “you’re doing great, keep going, don’t give up”. He has intervened in His divine way, by placing wonderful people in my path; friends, associates and doctors. These people were an instrument in my moving forward through my ‘healing process’.

Happy Halloween

Yea!!! I love Halloween!! I am not so much into the dressing up at this point in my life...but I sure love getting the kids ready. Three of the four costumes were loaners thanks to great neighbors. There are A LOT of pictures, I wanted to post more :) Alexa was not a fan of the hat for her costume so she would take it off most of the time. In fact once everyone was dressed she wanted to have nothing to do with pics, the kids and I chased her around the yard trying to get a good pic...I think we finally managed one on the swing set. Baby Ray was Batman, Aspen was Belle, and Alora was a snow princess, Alexa was our 'fat' pumpkin. I am not sure why but the kids named her that once I put the costume on, I guess you don't really have skinny pumpkins though. On Thursday we did a trial run of the costumes and went and had ice cream together. We went to Steph and Craig's for trick or treating again this year. Rach and Michael were there with their kids. With most of the kids being older this year it just seemed to go faster. This morning the kids have been enjoying their spoils. I wish I could join them, but alas I must forgo it, I have lost 15lbs and I intend to lose more so I must be frugal in my 'food' choices. This has been another great Halloween in the Griffin book of life. Enjoy the pics!!

Alexa running from us...I just love this pic!

From the trial run :) Don't they look great?

The results of our family pumpkin carving

Chasing the 'fat' pumpkin

I love this picture...he was trying to dance-pose...if you would have been there you would have been cracking up with me

again off with the hat :)

if you will notice in the back ground baby Ray is doing something next to the house...well this morning when I came down to open the blinds in the school room I notice the casing that goes around the water spout was on the lawn...I couldn't think of how it got there...when I was loading pics this morning I notice what was happening in this picture...I love that kid!!