The individuals left with nothing more to say and me speechless. My husband called just a few minutes later and I just cried and told him what had been said. I was hurt. I felt instead of being offered a hand, I was told everything I was doing wrong and how I was failing my children. The part that was the hardest was having someone question my ability to handle my children and to even be so bold as to call me selfish for having another child.

A couple of weeks later when I had a could attend church again, with my husband by my side, I was approached by the person who had offered her opinion. She said "I am sorry that you were offended by what I said." I was a bit taken back by what she said so I asked her to repeat herself, and she "I heard that you were offended by what I said, and I am sorry that you took offence to it." My feelings were hurt, but now, NOW I am offended. You are sorry that I am offended but such a comment. Is it surprising I was hurt by that? Is this a comment that people usually enjoy and are not offended by? You came into my house when I was hurt and feeling lonely and sick and needed help and questioned my motherhood, and I am supposed to be okay with that?

The conversation was very heated, for my part for sure. I was told that I was selfish again and that I offended most people in the ward with my behaviors. Really who? Who are all these people that come to you and confide in you their grievances and are afraid to come to me?

I was told that the reason that people don't come to me is because of who I am, they are afraid of me. It was given the example of my reaction to this superficial apology. I asked her if what I was 'supposed' to say was "no, no it is okay that you said what you did" and then move on. Yeah, well I don't do 'supposed to's'. What was said was not okay, and I didn't understand why it was said.

As the conversation progressed it was revealed that really there were only two people I had offended. And as that onion was peeled a bit more it was this individuals personal feelings about my behavior in regards to these people that was the motivation behind the remark.

She felt me to have never offered assistance to someone who had helped me when my husband was gone last year, and this year was in need of help. What she didn't know was the correspondence between that person and I regarding this and our own resolutions. The best part is neither of the people she felt me to have offended ever came to her or anyone she knew with a grievance or complaint against me. It was all inferred, or assumed. So she came into my home already determined that I was selfish and that she was going to put me in my place, and instead injured me to the core.

What she doesn't know about me is the lengths I go to be a good mother. What she doesn't know is that I prayed for this pregnancy after my miscarriage. What she doesn't know is who I am. She determined who I "should" be.

And after that experience I went to TN where again I felt myself being held to a standard that was unfair. Because I did not behave in a manner that others had determined to be Christlike and appropriate, I was wrong.

And today this person, I believe not maliciously, came to my house to see how I felt about the relief society. How do I feel? I worry now, I feel uncomfortable at church. Well when I am walking through the hall. That some how I will yet again be misunderstood and someone will determine me to be selfish or ungrateful.

The conversation was intense. I felt that it was being requested of me that I respond in a certain way about my feelings. That I say things that I don't really feel. I don't think ill of the person that hurt of my feelings. I am sad because of what she said. And yes I do worry that there are other people walking around out there, not understanding who I am, judging me and determining me to be selfish or an unfit mother.

I am not fluffy. I am not sure how to help people get that. I will never be "fluffy". I have literally been to hell and back, you don't come back "fluffy". I am me. I say what I think, and I think what I say. I will never lie to you. I will never say something just to say it. I will never say anything the way you think I need to say it. I don't wake up for you, I don't live for you. If you have a problem with me then take it to the Lord. I am sorry that I am "scary" or that I come off "combative". Maybe it is because you are just used to people walking on eggs shells for you, instead of just being honest about how they feel. I am sorry that you don't understand me, but to relieve you of your stress please know you don't have to understand me, just let me be me, just like I let you be you. I never come to your house and tell you that I think you need to stop being who you are. Heaven is heaven because we spend more time loving and serving than measuring and fixing.