In my pursuit to overcome a childhood filled with abuse, neglect and dysfunction and find myself the Lord has blessed me to find so much more. All my life I just wanted answers. "Why" was the prominent question for so long. I wanted to know why did my mother not love me? Why did anything happen that happened? Why did I feel all the ways I did?

I remember leaving my home on June 26th 1995. I remember years of envisioning myself walking away from it all, of being free from the heavy dark emotions I was surrounded by everyday. I day dreamed of living a better life than I was then forced to face. I wanted out but I didn't really know how to do it.

These past 15 years have been eventful, hard, treacherous, lonely, and hellish at times, but the Lord has been by my side through it all. I am sure so many that met me along my path had an unfavorable opinion about me or maybe wouldn't believe who I am today, but what they and so many didn't know was that the Lord was my dearest friend. I made some crazy choices and often went against the grain of society, but the Lord was there all along. He knew where He was taking me and He was perfectly patient with all my choices knowing ultimately knowing where I would end up.

The past couple of years have been the culmination of all these years. The Lord has tested my faith and loyalty, and he has blessed me with answers to all my questions. I have felt over this past month the literal closing of a book on my life. I have made peace with my childhood. It was awful, but there are things I have learned that I would not otherwise understand. I can quite literally say it is finished. I am done. There is nothing left to answer or to work out. From here I just live. This blog has been my way of 'talking' out my life, but there is nothing left to talk out. I feel it necessary to 'end' this blog and begin a new one next year with a very different purpose. I look forward to the beginning of something new. I look forward to living.

The other night I felt overwhelmed and discouraged with all that I wanted to accomplish but would be unable to, and with a home that I felt to be in more disarray than I felt I could mentally handle. I prayed as I was standing for a moment in my kitchen. I wanted to be patient and to see things through my Heavenly Father's eyes. I wanted to be patient with my current condition and limitations and to not be in too much of hurry to get to my comfortable place. The thought came to me that if I could just hang on help was coming. As I continued in prayer my feeling was things were going to be heading in a new direction very soon. That next night is when we received our secret Santa gift. The next morning my mother-in-law came over to help clean. She had just arrived in town for my brother and sister-in-law down in Provo who just had a baby last night. Originally she was not going to be able to come and help because she would be needed down there. But the baby didn't come until late last night enabling her to come up here and help me. It is a huge blessing for me. It is a testimony to me that the Lord does love us and he will provide if we have faith. I found a house for us to move to. There are some things to iron out of course, but everything feels right, I feel peaceful about it all. I feel hopeful. I am excited to move. I am very much looking forward to feeling like myself again very soon. I know the Lord is going to take care of us. I haven't felt this hopeful in a while. It feels good.

I am humbled. So very humbled. Tonight this cute family that I don't know shows up with a box. The woman announces they are Santa's helpers for a family who wants us to know we are loved. I was speechless. I am still in shock. I don't know anyone outside of my ward up here in Davis County. Okay two people, maybe three. I guess the part that is so humbling is that someone knows we exist. One can know some one's name with out really knowing they exist, does that makes sense? Someone knew that I have five children, and they know their names. The individual nature of the kids gifts, addressed for each one of them personally, means more than I think this person may ever know. This gift is personal, and it is thoughtful. I want to thank them personally. I want to hug them and tell them how much this means to me. To be remembered in time when I feel forgotten and unnoticed, while my husband, my best friend is away and during a season that is about love and giving will have an impact on me forever. I know this isn't about me, but to remember my family and to love them in such a way impacts me personally and I am deeply grateful.

I didn't write my previous posts hoping to secure any friendships, sympathies, or services. I wrote it because I think we have become a selfish, entitled and judgmental people. We have some how come to believe that because of our individual situations of having to do with out certain things that we are superior in some way. Not all are this way, but many are. There are those that think because they have had survived some things on their own, or because they got through something with out any help that that is how others should endure it. Women have found solace in criticizing each other through what is referred to as venting. There are comparisons laid out, and why one is superior to another, why one deserves what is happening, and how it is known better by others how to live another's life. What so many fail to realize is we ultimately did not survive anything "on our own". In the moments we feel to be so alone and moving forward with no assistance here in this mortal life is actually when the Savior carries us the most. Our circumstances vary in so many ways. Our emotions and how we internalize our lives and what happens to us is personal and very different. We have no right to so harshly judge and criticize others. It does not matter if we think some one's needs are justified or not. We have been reminded in our scriptures that we all are "beggars". (Mosiah 4:19) If the adversary can ease his way into our thoughts of one another, especially the women of the church, and create with in us jealousies, and malice, then one by one he can tear us apart. We will not all understand each other, and there will be many moments of frustration and misunderstandings with in our wards and stakes. Only the Lord can help us reconcile those differences of opinions.

I have been praying to know how to tactfully write about something I am faced with. I have it completely written candidly in my mind, but sometimes candid can be misunderstood.

When Ray was gone to basic training 18 months I had been told by the Lord to essentially end all social contact. I quit facebook, I closed my blog and I didn't answer phone calls from friends, I didn't respond in any way. I came to understand that the Lord wanted me to learn how to ultimately rely on him. It was very hard at first to not vent, or communicate within my normal social realms. With time though I found that he could better fill my voids. He could bless me with perspective and give me the strength to endure it all.

I had to rely essentially on people I didn't know that well for those 5 months he was gone. I did have contact with my sister-in-law Stephanie, my mother-in-law, the bishop and the relief society president.

For whatever reason, my health was not always the best while Ray was away. I ended up in the hospital every other week for various reasons. I have what is called ligamous laxity, which means that I have REALLY lose ligaments, and when I am pregnant they become like spaghetti noodles. Further along in pregnancy my joints actually grind together in my hip and back areas because the cartilage and ligaments become so thin. It is actually quite painful but once I have the baby it is reversed and my ligaments return to lose instead of transparent. I also experienced gall bladder problems which would cause uncontrollable vomiting and excruciating pain.

I was told by an individual that I should call if I ever had a need. The first two "needs" were outside jobs that were taken care of by the elder's quorum. When I asked for help doing a few tasks with in my home that required the bending and movement that was too painful for me I was told I was ungrateful. This person told me they wished they could ask for the same help, but she instead employed her children and just excepted what was. She told me I had not in anyway shown my appreciation for the help that had already been rendered, and that people in the ward were beginning to feel that I was taking advantage of them. I was immediately moved to tears. This woman's mother lives 5 minutes away. She has a husband who comes home to her everyday. She is saturated with family very close by. And the thank you....I didn't realize that services were dependent on the quality of my thank you. I was six months pregnant with my fifth. My kids unbeknowst to her were already doing more chores to help out because of my limitations. My husband was not just gone, but I only spoke with him about 5 to 10 minutes once a week, the rest of our communication happened in letters. My mother is not a part of my life. My sister in law has five kids and lives 45 minutes away. And even if I was in contact with my friends, the closest friend lives 90 minutes away. None of that was what mattered to me though. This woman obviously had a problem with me and I didn't even really know her. She was put in a position of trust and leadership, she was someone I was supposed to find refuge in, and instead I found insult and disdain. She hated me and I felt it the entire time my husband was gone.

One night I called out of desperation someone other than the bishop because he already helped so much, because I had been vomiting all day and was now throwing up blood clots and I really needed to get to the hospital. I was told that they could not help because they had hairs cuts they had to do that evening.

I didn't send out any thank you cards for any help that was given to me while he was away. Honestly I never thought about it. I had told them to their faces how much I appreciated their help. And really I was going through something so hard that I felt like I was doing good to be functioning. When I reflect on that time my heart aches. I was judged. Some of the judgments were told to my face, others I could just feel. Over and over I was told "call if you need anything" and I would and then I was told why the need could not be met, or how the person felt I could actually take care of it on my own, or how they just live with out the need being met, or a suggestion as to calling my sister-in-law. I felt like know one took a minute to try to see life through my eyes, instead I was told what to see.

Then this year, new leadership but same old same old.

So here I am. I am 31 weeks pregnant. My husband is once again gone. Stephanie is actually even more tied up than before because her sister's, Rachel, baby has leukemia at six months old and so she helps out with Rachel's three older girls. These past couple of days my blood pressure has been elevated and today is was high. I had toxemia with Aspen, and so I could very easily get it again. On my way to the doctors today I cried the whole way. I didn't want it to be so high that they sent me to the hospital. When I go to the doc I leave some home and take some with me, so as to not inconvenience anyone. I have a fear, a deep and overwhelming fear of having to ask for any help. I don't think I could handle another 'rejection' in regards to my needs. Maybe people have an opinion about my needs. Maybe they think they could be avoided, or I 'should' do this or I 'should' do that. But the last time I checked every Sunday we make covenant to take upon us the name of our Savior, and I KNOW he is not judging me.

I have been praying all day that the Lord would stay any hike in my blood pressure until Ray returns next Saturday. Over and over today I heard the words of one who has been called to lead, that I have been the most needy out of every one in this ward and that I have exhausted those resources. If 12 hours of service after my tonsillectomy exhausted resources I can't even imagine what me being hospitalized for toxemia or high blood pressure would do.

I don't need hand outs. I don't want pity either. But just a little sincere Christ-like love and service and concern would go along way. I am not so narcissistic as to think they everyone should drop their lives for me. I just ask to be loved and cared for in the same manner that anyone would want to be. In the end our opinions won't matter. The Lord is never going to ask you what you though about so and so and all those dinners you brought. He is just going to allow you the chance to see where your heart was at each and every time you served. Service isn't about agreement or liking or approving of the services being rendered is about our heart and what direction it is ultimately facing.

When your husband, your best friend is gone there is a hole in your life. Well at least in mine. My husband and I 'talk' all day, whether through emails or texts or on the phone. This training has felt like when he was at basic because there has been minimal contact. The other night I was talking with Heavenly Father and I asked him just how exactly do I endure the loneliness of not having my best friend with me all the time? Not just now but over the next year and a half. I asked to be able to see things through his eyes.

The thought that came to me was that I was approaching the situation as if he was gone gone, out of reach, almost like a break up. The Lord showed me that I though we would be miles apart we could still feel very much a part of each others life. I can't really describe how I saw it in my mind, but it was comforting to realize that though we would be a part this is our life together. These kids are OUR kids, this is OUR home, and OUR life.

The loneliness is just inevitable to a certain extent. I learned a lot when he was gone to basic about enduring loneliness. There is no amount of television, or phone conversations, or shopping, or eating, or any worldly distract to really mend the heart when it is lonely. Only God himself can do that. I know that if I lose myself in my children and other people that the Lord can bless me. I notice it even now when misery is begging for its own attention. I have to purposely look at my children and pray to see them through the Lord's eyes and look at what they are really in need of. Loneliness, misery and their friends offer incredible rationals about why you are entitled to meet your needs first. But if you reflect and look deep into your heart, your needs are better met when you meet another's first. Service offers eternal perspective and true clarity into your life.

It is a very weird feeling to be discussing with my children my husband's future absence next year. The Lord is giving us an opportunity to prepare over the next seven to eight months. Each month Ray will gone for a period time either two weeks or the whole month. When he left for a training a few days ago I cried for the first day or so. Not so much because I miss him, because oh I do, but because I can't imagine a whole year with him gone a million miles away.

And just to get this off my chest, to any weird crazies who may stumble upon my blog. Before you get any jazzy ideas about seeking out a woman alone with her children, please understand something. I shoot on sight, no questions asked, and the best part I shoot to kill. I have been a victim before and never again. So come if you must, but you will leave my house in body bag :)

Now that I have that taken care of.

The first night he was gone last week I lay in bed just bawling. I asked the Lord why? Why take my husband so much and then for so long. My heart filled with the spirit and I knew in my heart at that moment it wasn't about me, it was about Ray. This is for his future. I recognized too in that moment that though we are married, we each have our personal missions here on this earth. It is our obligation and opportunity to stand by one another during our personal and united endeavors. The Lord has a plan for my husband and our family. I have faith in that and I will trust in the Lord and let him lead our family.

Trusting the Lord is an interesting matter. I don't know how things are going to work out. I can't imagine a year with out the love of my life. At some point next year I will need to move, and we still don't know where we will be moving. And there aren't many windows of opportunity for moving with as much as he is coming and going and still working a civilian job. I will have a baby sometime at the first of the year, and he will be gone all but two weeks of the first three months of the baby's life. I don't feel scared though. I don't feel panicked or worried. When the Lord requires hard things of us he blesses us through our faith and obedience to be able to endure it. I don't think this will all be easy, but I have an opportunity to witness his hand daily in my life. Though there will be days that hard, he will compensate me 100 fold on other days. He always has. The Lord, my Savior has never failed me. He has been my one true constant in life. I know that I can count on him, and that is enough for me.

This time last week I was not ready for this adventure. I have determined that you can't ever be ready for something like this. I can however prepare everyday for the next day. I can let go and trust in the Lord, and trust that he has a plan and a purpose for my life and my family's life. I know he will stand by me and at times even carry me over this next year and a half.