My healing story

I have been making contact with old friends from Texas (since I am getting ready to go visit)and giving them my blog address. Many of you that have already been reading "know" about my healing. My healing is important to me because of what it freed me from. For so long I wander in a dark abyss as a result of the abuse inflicted upon me both as a toddler and as a teenager. Others witnessed me making choices that are so contrary to what I have always believed but never felt worthy of living. So I share my story in a way of saying 'here is the real me'...'here is the me that was hidden behind all that sadness, confusion and loneliness'. I am who I am because my Savior healed me.


To you -


This record was originally recorded in October 2003, I have made appropriate changes to keep the story up to date. My hope is that my story will bring people closer to the Savior, and that others will seek for themselves their own healing.
As a very young child until about the age 9 I was the victim of sexual abuse from my uncle and then as an adolescent from my father, as well as verbal and physical abuse from my parents. I struggled through my years in school trying to understand my identity, my purpose and my role in my own life. When I graduated from high school, I moved to Utah only to continue my life in a very scarred and damaged state of mind. I knew there was a God, and I knew the scriptures were true (I believe our Heavenly Father blessed me with these gifts). I attempted to believe Him and what the scriptures said of His power. I was alone physically, but I also felt alone emotionally. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know where or how to begin. I imagine that many who were witness to my life at that point felt I was a lost cause, or one of those sad stories, but I know the Lord saw it different. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know a side of a healthy emotional life that thankfully many do know. I did pray. I lived the best way I knew how. When I met Ray I was more firm in my conviction to change. I broke off a long-time unhealthy relationship, and began to read my scriptures more regulary, returned to church and tried to figure out who I was. Though I was growing I was still weak. I know I was supposed to marry Ray. I knew this while we were dating, but due to dysfunctional habits I attempted to sabotage the relationship. I am thankful to a Heavenly Father who despite my attempt blessed us with the chance to marry. It was then that the Lord’s hand became even more visible to me in my life.
I have always believed I could be healed. I had been to counselor after counselor; I had been on almost every medication available for anxiety and depression (literally). I had been diagnosed with every disorder associated with abuse and then some. As I look back and consider all that as happened I remember a blessing I got just before I met Ray. I was reminded of the presence of the Lord in my life, His knowledge of my struggles and that He would heal me in due time. In my life there was a cycle where I would go to a psychologist and a few months later or sooner feel it appropriate to stop my sessions and turn to the Lord solely for my healing. This would last for a time, and then again something would occur in my life requiring medicine and professional counseling. This cycle reoccurred often in my life. I am thankful for the professionals who helped me; their knowledge passed to me was what the Lord was able to use as tools to help me grow. After Alora’s birth (my second child) life was the hardest. There were times I honestly didn’t think I would survive because the physical pain was as great as the emotional. Oh when I look back I see the Lord’s hand. I clung to a talk that Elder Richard G Scott (a member of the Quorom of Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) gave a few conferences back. (October Conference 2002) He said to those of us that have been abused that we could be healed completely, that we would not have to seek counseling for the rest of our days, that there was an end to it all through our Savior.
September 2003 Mom Griffin and I attended a women’s conference in Tennessee. With a heart full of gratitude for all my blessings and for such a great opportunity we returned home. That Tuesday Mom and I were discussing my future in consideration of my meds and therapy. She discussed with me her fear of me suddenly stopping my meds as I had frequently done before. I told her naively that I would not discontinue my meds this time around “until the Lord Himself told me I could”. That evening I sat to read my scriptures, before beginning however I read a letter Pat Vassilaros (a friend) wrote me. Note: this letter was written in May of 2003 from Germany, mailed but did not surface in PA until that August , it was forgotten about, then mailed to me in Ohio. I do not believe this letter was a coincidence. As I read the words she wrote by inspiration my heart was full. She shared a story about a tree there that people referred to as the ‘Jesus-oak’. She continues with – “I believe these people were healed not because of a special tree but because of their faith in Jesus Christ. I believe, so you will be healed-not because of your medicine or counseling necessarily-although they help-but because you have such great faith in the Savior. The more you focus on Him & His healing power the more you will heal all parts of your life. The Lord loves you so much- He has a mission for you here that only you can do. I know you will be healed. . . You are even now in the Lord’s hands and He will heal you in His perfect way and perfect time.” When I came to Ohio I was determined to heal. I have borne the burden placed on me by others long enough. In my heart the only way to do this was to submerge myself in His words. I read the scriptures, I read whatever else my hands found that contained words from Him through His leaders. I pled with Heavenly Father to lead me and to heal me, to help me know what I needed to do so that He could. As I prayed I never felt good about returning promptly to counseling. On one occasion after praying about love and my desire to understand it better, I was counseled by the spirit to read ‘Jesus the Christ’ (written by Elder James E Talmage) and that upon completion I would have the desired understanding and then some. Not only was that promised fulfilled even as I read, but by reading this book I have gained an understanding and an undeniable testimony that Jesus is the Christ and the He lives! On another occasion I was sitting outside in Dad Griffin’s hammock with my girls, it was a beautiful clear day, I heard the words “I brought you here to heal you my way” as if Heavenly Father were right beside me. My thoughts following were of realization of why Ray was still in PA working, why things were going the way they were and why I had not felt prompted to get counseling immediately. (please see addendum A) Pat did not realize the truth of her words; “even now you are in the Lord’s hands”. I was, even on that night. I bowed my head to pray after finishing her much-inspired letter. As I opened my heart to the Lord and shared with Him my aches, the spirit filled me as never before. I only have layman words to describe the experience. There was fullness in my heart, and a peace filled my body that words cannot describe, and my body felt lifted though I was kneeling on the floor. I heard the Savior’s voice say to me, ‘you are healed, you may continue in life, have babies and nurse them without struggle or medicine, you are free from it all, cease from taking your medication and go on.’ I sat in that most beautiful feeling and wept in thanksgiving and unworthiness. I questioned why the Lord would bless me in such a way. I did discontinue my meds as directed, and the following night received an answer to my question of my worthiness in our Heavenly Father’s eyes. I was sitting on the couch attempting to read “Jesus the Christ”. I was praying about my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and while still considering the miracle of the night before. (I had just gone a day with out any meds and it was as if I had never been on them) Who was I, why and how could I possibly be of any importance to Him? I believed in Them, but me, I was just Andraé. Again the spirit filled me. My heart was full and I was overcome by the Spirit, my mind was silenced for a moment and then I heard in my mind a voice say “you are My daughter”. I knew the voice was that of my Heavenly Father. I wish I could tell you what these words meant to me. I had been abused all of my life; my very identity was stolen from me. To hear that I am His daughter placed within my heart something that has completed me. I was not just this person existing, I was known and in that moment I realized I truly am a daughter of God. I have not been on my meds since that Tuesday, and there have been no withdrawals, no nightmares, no panic attacks, no depression; my mind and my heart were healed and cleansed from the awful affects of abuse. There was no fanfare, no magic just words. I am healed. I testify to you of our Savior’s healing power. Even today it is manifest. Miracles are performed quietly, yet it gives me an opportunity to sound “as a trumpet” of His majesty and power. I believe in the small everyday things like daily prayer, faith, scripture study etc., with out these we have no foundation. I know our Heavenly Father literally hears our prayers, He knows us by name, and will never forsake us. I know we have a wonderful opportunity to live here on earth to learn, to be tested, and to grow. What a marvelous thing. I believe as well that these trials are a chance “that the works of God may be manifest”. I share these things with you that you may know of His healing power even in our day. This story is very sacred to me and I share with you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, who lives. Amen.


Addendum A
I would have on occasion moments of what I call purging. I would be journaling, as I learned through therapy, praying or reading and my heart and mind would fill to utter capacity with such intense sad emotions and horrible memories. Emotions and memories I had been living with all my life. During these moments, my body would hurt and ache terribly. Sometimes my tears were just as much for the physical pain as the emotional pain. I would plead with Heavenly Father during these times, to help me, to take it from me. As I look back I realize in those moments and in others He was taking it from me. I know that He could not just remove it from me, there were things I needed to learn as I went through the healing process. That is how it has been since I left home. He has never left me, He has been healing me all along. In the moments I thought He was farthest away He was actually right there with me, urging me ever so quietly “you’re doing great, keep going, don’t give up”. He has intervened in His divine way, by placing wonderful people in my path; friends, associates and doctors. These people were an instrument in my moving forward through my ‘healing process’.