I had the wonderful opportunity of visiting with a childhood friend yesterday. All day. Like until 3 in the morning all day. I have known her since I was 12. We moved from Pine Tree to Spring Hill. Means nothing to so many, unless you lived in Longview Texas. We moved school districts. We moved from a gicantica school district to one that the whole campus from K-12 fit on one "lot". I graduated with 82 people, that should give you an idea.

I don't remember how I met Tiffany Autumn Barton. I do remember how she made me feel. She was kind to me. Not that fake 'your the new kid so I will be nice to you' kinda nice. She was real. I remember how badly I wanted to be her friend for life. I loved talking to her because I felt like she actually heard what I said.

You see I was a little...okay a lot...awkward in school. I was always nervous. I was afraid of being wrong. I was scared to talk to anyone. I just felt weird inside. I was in athletics with "T" as she was affectionately referred to as. She was better than me though at almost everything, except that I wasn't too bad at track. Volleyball and basketball were so not my thing. In fact last night I was telling her how I spent most of basketball season with my fingers wrapped because they were always jammed.

We both had braces. She got hers off first. I wanted my teeth to be as pretty as hers :) Luckily I think my turned out pretty good.

So much of those years is a blur. We moved houses just after 8th grade. My family ended up moving just a street over from Tiffany's. I could see her house just across the field behind us. I wanted to be a part of her world. Her parents were so kind. They loved her and it showed. They were and still are a very peaceful family.

If my mom let me out of the house with anyone it was Tiffany. So all my high school social memories include her. My mom would always call Tiffany's mom to see what time she had to be home. It was the same time every time. 11:30PM I believe. What I loved about being with Tiffany was that you could feel that she felt safe being a kid. I was there when she had done something, minor, but against her mother's wishes, and was witness to her mother's disciplining. Tiffany was in trouble but her mother had such love and compassion towards her. I wanted that woman to be my mom. Sometimes I envisioned myself running to her arms so that she could hold me. I wanted a mom to hold me and love me.

When I moved away from Texas I made a point of contacting Tiffany. As I write I remember feeling so at home when I talked with her on the phone. It was what I ever imagined it might feel like in a real family. I moved back to Texas for a year and yes I found Tiffany. We actually ended up working together. I remember one day her mom coming in to see her at the store and I had dressed a little nicer that day for work. My nails were painted Ferrari red and I had on a newer outfit. Her mom told me how beautiful I looked. It was so sincere, so loving. I melted in that moment. Again I wanted to hug her. I wanted to beg her to be my mom, because my mom never told me I looked beautiful, she only told me what was wrong with me. I was 19 at the time but I felt like a 5 year old in that moment, longing for a mommy hug. I would stay sometimes with Tiff and her husband in their oh so tiny but homey apartment. She was so kind to me. She took care of me and I was starved for that nurturing. I eventually moved back to Utah and I don't remember how much I kept in contact, but I did. And over these past ten years since being married I have kept in contact with her. Every time we have been able to meet in person we have been able to just pick-up where we left off.

That is how it was yesterday. There was an emotion I experienced though I was not however prepared for. Almost upon entering the door way to her sisters home I felt this release. I suddenly just wanted to break down and cry. I wanted her to stay here, or to bring me back to Texas with her.

We talked. And we talked. And we talked. It was and has always been so easy for me to talk to her. I feel safe with her. I feel okay to be me. I feel at home with her. We didn't solve any world problems but the talking was so therapeutic. I think too it helped how much we laughed. Tiffany is a laugher :) She doesn't take herself or life too seriously.

When I finally departed finally in the wee hours of the morning, I felt so sad. I didn't want to go. I didn't want her to go. I cried as I drove home, and the down pouring of rain helped the tears fall faster. As I cried I asked myself what is about her that had created such an emotion. Almost in that instant I realized it and to myself, "She sees me". And the flood gates opened.

I don't have a mother. I did not get the affection so necessary as an infant, child, adolescent or adult. In that moment I realized how lonely I feel. How I long for someone to love me. Familial love. Really I need love and affection that will make up for lost time. I prayed while I cried. I told heavenly Father how I wanted to feel loved. He can love me, and I can feel that through the spirit, which I so often do. But I want hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. I don't want to wonder if someone likes me, even if it is a supposed understood. I want them to tell me over and over and over again. The Lord knows my needs and he always provides. So one day someone or some oneS will come along and they will be inspired and they will hug me and they will love me just the way that I need it. And it will be through them that Lord is able to answer my prayer and to fill my physical void.

I am grateful to have been blessed with a friend like Tiffany. Someone who helps my heart feel at home. I am even more grateful that I was able to visit with her and her sister yesterday. Though it exposed emotion, it was also a very healing experience. Evidence for me once again of the hand of the Lord.