I closed my blog because I didn't know who was sending me these extremely unnerving anonymous comments. I originally thought it was my brother and then I wasn't sure. He contacted me on facebook after I closed the blog. My family is so very weird. You won't hear from anyone for months, possibly years, and then they just show up in your life and they act as if they have been there all along and that it isn't weird that they are suddenly making contact. AND in this renewal of correspondence they find it necessary to rehearse to you all that is wrong with you and that the reason for the lack of previous correspondence is because of you...or they pretend to be your friend fishing for anything that they can use against you in later conversations or that they can take back to the "others" :) to tell, where they are temporarily rewarded for such behavior. A web of lies and manipulation!!

My whole life I only heard how I was the reason that my family was falling apart. My mom preached that sermon almost daily. I was the reason for every season and I believed it for so long. As I got older though, 14, 15ish I began to realize she was the crazy one. I would tell her so. I fought back. My sister would tell me to just keep my mouth shut and to just go along with it. That isn't how I "roll". The more I acted out, the more abuse I got. I don't remember caring though. I slept with my Book of Mormon and I would lie there day dreaming of the day when I would be free.

My brother's 'beef' in his anonymous comments and in his messages to me on facebook were about how I spoke of my mother on my blog. He feels that I could be kinder. He says "she loves" me. I felt guilty at first. As I prayed about it though I realized the same thing I have had to realize over and over in my life.

She doesn't love me. She can't. She doesn't love herself. I would love to cut my mom some slack. I would love to borrow on the idea that she had a rough childhood and excuse her behavior because of that. EXCEPT that I had a rough childhood TOO!!!! She had the same choices I did. But she chose to run from it, and I chose to face it. I went through however many years of literal hell to overcome my past and to change my future and my children's future. So I am sorry I can not excuse her current behavior.

To my family, specifically my brothers, mother and sister: If you don't like what I write, don't read it. I write exactly how I feel.