I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on my lesson yesterday. I am in the midst of my own trial of faith. I felt distracted as I taught. I felt weighed down with my own questions for the Lord. Questions I ask him daily. My questions are more to try to gain a perspective.

The Lord has promised us that we would have a good paying job, that we would be able to pay for things, even our wants. Right now we don't have that job, and we haven't for quite some time. The money miraculously came through various avenues this month so that I could pay for my car, our credit cards and other bills.

Last week the Lord's hand was made evident in our lives when we met a family that breeds horses. The mother of the family has offered to teach Aspen horseback riding lessons for free for right now.

We have most of our bases covered in regards to paying bills, so I do feel a bit of relief for right now. I feel nervous though for next month. In my life the Lord allows me to go through more than I necessarily would hope for :) I get through it and I even am blessed to learn from it, but the learning is always hard. I have been asking the Lord to help me find the patience to be able to endure this trial. I often try and anticipate things and pre-guess my life. I want to have implicit trust in him, and know with out any doubt that he will provide for my needs. I often right now ask him how he will provide, when will we get a job. It is out of fear that I ask those questions. Fear of having to do something harder than I want to. Fear of being uncomfortable.

One of my worst fears is that Ray will be deployed and that that is how we will be able to support ourselves. I have no fear in his being deployed for safety reasons, I don't want to deliver another baby alone. And I would be sad if he went right after because he would miss that babies first year. Selfish really, I know, but my feelings none the less.

It is a weird feeling, and even a difficult feeling not knowing which way your life will go even in the next week. Financially we can plan for nothing. It is literally week by week. I want to find peace in that. I want to not fear the lack of control I have in my life right now. I want to learn what ever it is he would have me learn.