I feel very peaceful today. This summer has been hard on me. A learning kind of hard. That is how my life goes though. I have a time where I do good, I feel good, I feel myself moving forward physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then the Lord lets me learn :)

I have found peace with what happened in Tennessee. Not peace like it is all okay. But understanding peace. It wasn't me personally that was "under attack" as I felt. They push themselves to unrealistic standards, and thus project or put on others the same expectations. They feel the need to be a perfect they have defined for themselves, and thus hold others to it as well. I realized that I can chose how often and when and how long I want to be at family get togethers. There are some things like baptisms, weddings, blessings and such that are mandatory. But the length of time in which I have to socialize is not mandatory. I have felt at times wrong because I don't necessarily enjoy being around every one in his family. It isn't wrong. It is my preference. We all have people that are easier for us to be around, and people who we find it difficult to be around for too long. The Lord never said we have to be friends or best buds with everyone. He just said we have to love them and be willing to serve them. I love Ray's family. And I am willing to serve them. I can be kind to them but I don't have to torture myself with a feeling of obligation. My happiness matters too.

I have found peace with the ridiculous accusations made about my personality and character early this summer. They don't really know me, and they probably never will. They saw a side of me that isn't my best when they confronted me. The emotions I showed during my conversations probably did seem dramatic. I can come across very....aggressive...okay mean and hostile :) when I feel attacked...and frankly I will leave no survivors. That is the survivor in me. I have determined though that the next time I will not respond unless I truly feel moved by the spirit. For me to respond on my own I become a fighter, which in and of itself isn't bad, I just don't like the feeling I am left with and nothing is actually accomplished. When I speak I am looking for a person to understand me, and if that person is there to accuse they are most definitely not seeking to understand, so ultimately it is a waist of emotion and oxygen. I know who I am, I do not have to defend that. I know that the Lord will always help me to know what to say, and if I am not moved to say anything then I must trust that nothing should be said.

We did get a 'job' this spring. It however has not brought an income in which we can provide for ourselves. We are still very dependent on the church for assistance. We have always been able to pay our credit card bills and my car payment and have even been blessed to be able to buy Cafe Rio when I 'needed' it :) I have longed this summer to be self sufficient. I want to pay my rent. I want to pay all my bills and buy all my groceries. I don't mind being poor, it is being flat broke that has been hard this summer. I have felt for so long that as soon as the Lord wanted us to have the means necessary to do so that we would. He is paying for our mere existence quite literally. So I determined this summer that there must be more for us to learn. I have prayed and searched and pondered and really have begged him to help me to see what is was that he wanted us to learn. I know that I don't fully recognize yet the whole scope of what we learned and are continuing to learn. For right now I have realized we spend so much time wanting, and begging and pleading for our wants and needs. We tell the Lord, whether subconsciously, verbally or in our minds, what we "need". We pray for a job. We pray for more money, for better health, to be relieved of our trials, to have things work out for our "good". Our happiness is important to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, but even more important is what we learn, spiritually, for the eternities. We often get in such a hurry to be relieved that we miss an opportunity to learn. Learning from the Lord is often emotionally painful and hard. We have to give up our mortal expectations, we have to literally chip away the natural man. We like to hang on to our expectations and our "eyes" because it feels tangible, we feel like we have some kind of control. To have faith or to let go and try to see things through our Savior's eyes is a very scary feeling. It is literally stepping into the dark. It is lonely in there for a bit, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It is in that loneliness that we grow. That is where the natural man is chipped away and we can become closer and more in tune with the spirit.

This summer we came to the end of our credit card living. We used them to keep us from going into the red. I prayed about homeschooling again, about Alora joining a competition dance team, baby Ray starting soccer, Aspen starting horse back riding lessons. I felt like these things were okay to pursue. I prayed more in case I was crazy. I still felt peaceful. So we started. Alora tried out and made a team. Baby Ray has started soccer. We are still waiting for funds to get Aspen in lessons. The money is coming due for Alora's dance. Our credit card bills are starting to add up. I asked the Lord if we needed to start selling things. No. Okay so where is the money going to come from. Ray has given me so many blessings. I have had moments where I felt my heart was going to explode wondering if the Lord would really provide. Would he let us drown? I know that often lessons don't come until things are completely dark. What about my feelings that starting these lessons were the right thing? In the blessings the Lord says the money will come that I will be able to pay for everything. Today money finally came that allowed for me to buy curriculum. Next week I have to pay for Alora's dance and then my car payment, and the credit card bills, and gas, and...well you know how it is. I don't know how everything is going to work out. I can't even fathom it working out, because there is no money to make it work, but the Lord said the money would come. I pray to be patient with His will, to be able to not pull my hair out in an anxiety driven rage because I can't "see". This isn't easy for me, I pray literally all day. I listen to hymn music and turn to my scriptures when doubt begins to creep in. This has been a 2 year 4 month ordeal. I am most definitely looking forward to the relief, because it will come as He promised. I just hope that I have not been in too much of hurry to be able to learn all that I can from this trial.

Today though. Today I have felt peace. I have asked him to take my anxiety, to help me to have more faith. I have asked him to help me let go of what I think I need. I asked him to help me to look through eternal eyes and not mortal eyes. Today I have felt him take it and I feel my soul at ease. Tomorrow he might allow me to hurt again, so today I will be grateful and internalize these moments so as to have the strength to endure whatever it is he might need me to feel so that I might have a better eternal perspective.