The other night I was hanging out with Arwyn on the couch. I was only partially pay attention to what was on television. I had been watching the news about a fire that caused the evacuation of 1500 homes.

Arwyn was being silly, something out of character for her until recently. She has always been a very calm unemotional baby. She cried when she was hungry or tired or bothered. But until recently she was rarely playful. Maybe she was just taking everything in.

On that night she instigated her own little games and never tried to get off the couch, so I gladly participated in her fun. I heard an announcement made for a give away, something to the effect that it would be your dream life.

I have my dream life. Things have been hard these past two years. Things were hard when I was in therapy. Things were hard as a kid and a teenager. But right now in this very moment I have all that I have ever dreamed of and then some.

I have probably the most perfect husband ever. Really. Not biased :) He stood by my side during a time that he could have been justified in leaving. There were times that the medications the docs put on to help me through therapy would literally make me crazy. He visited me in the psych ward. He encouraged me through all the moments that I was sure were the ending of me. He has loved me REALLY overweight and when I looked almost like a rock star :) He loves me staying at home with our brood. He listens to me, and I talk A LOT. He prays for me in every prayer. He cooks for me and the kids. He does my dishes, and so far he has done them everyday since this pregnancy has made me sick, so let's say June? He loves me. The weird, the quirky, the weaknesses, and the absolute strengths. And I feel that love.

I have five beautiful children. I don't think anyone ever really believed that I would have a big family. I don't think 15 years ago I seemed the motherly type. I have always wanted 80 million kids. I love being at home with them. They draw on my walls. Make ginormous messes at bath time. Whine about not being able to find the smallest toy know to man. They talk loud at dinner and say things like "he's looking at me". They wake up way too early and go to bed way too late. They put clean clothes in the laundry. They stomp their foot almost every time I ask them to do something and act surprised when I say it is time to start school (as if we don't do it everyday). But they have so much love in them. They love each other. They love Ray and I. They love life. I love how excited they get about a grasshopper or a pheasant in our back yard. I love to hear them laugh with each other and at each other. I love that the sky is only the beginning for them. I love that they fear nothing, including me. They see no boundaries only opportunities.

My house is rarely "clean". There is always something on my table, evidence of an invention or the last meal eaten. My school room table and floor are covered with books, crayons, markers, glue, cut up paper, toys, more inventions or creative projects. The laundry is never always finished. It is either in the washer, dryer, on my bed or on some one's floor because they didn't get it quite put away. The bathrooms are....well used by 45,000 people who for some reason think it is necessary to use 8 gallons of soap so as to create plenty of suds that will cover the entire vanity. I wipe my walls...before someone comes over :) but I love the art work that some little 3 year old or 15 month left for me.

I wouldn't trade it though. Not one mess, not one overwhelming chaotic moment, not even the times in the car when all 20 of them are crying or whining for one reason or another. It is all a gift from my Heavenly Father to me. I am a mother and a wife. One day these silly wonderful kids will grow up and leave to go begin their own adventures as an adult. My walls will be clean and my floors will be spotless and I will find new things in life to find joy in. For now though, this is the dream and this is the life I always wanted. No money, no comforts, nothing the world could offer would be better than my life right now.