Just the kdis

Busy weekend

Ray's parents have been in town since last Tuesday. They came over Wednesday with Steph and her three youngest (girls) and hung out all day. Then Friday we went to Provo for graduation stuff. Jake and Heidi (Ray's brother and his wife), and Wayne (my sister's boyfriend), and my brother's wife Kristina, and lots of people from BYU and UVSC all graduated. We stayed in Lehi with Ray's grandparents Friday and Saturday we went up Provo canyon for some fun in the sun, with a chilly breeze. Then we went to a chili cook-off with the fam. Then we had church today. And then we went to West Jordan for more family fun, and now I am so incredibly exhausted. I can't wait to download the pictures though. I took lots of them. I realized though I really want to take a photography class. There is so much I don't know that I want to know. So stay tuned for more from this weekend...

Thoughts

I can't tell you how many times I think of something I want to post but then I don't for fear of what someone might think. Well that is the end of that. Guilt is something that has haunted me for so long. I am reaching a limit with it though. I am finding I like to be free of it. If you really know me, you know how much I think. I think about everything I do. Once Ray said to me "babe you breathe on purpose, the rest of us don't even notice we are breathing". I am passionate. I like being passionate. I like who I am. My weaknesses aren't my favorite, but they are mine. For years and years and years and well more years I suffered from guilt, feeling bad about who I was. Feeling guilty for my thoughts, what I did or didn't do, or wear, or eat, or say. My first healing freed me from a lot of that. But there was still some guilt. Since my being healed from my mood disorders in November I have been freed on another level. I have noticed as well that the more I pray for a reprieve from my guilt that everyday I feel more and more free. Something I learned from my years of therapy is that emotions just don't disappear, they have to be replaced. So what has replaced my guilt? Peace, honesty, respect for who I am, recognition of just what it means to be mortal. I have never been the greatest house keeper. I clean every week, you know, mop, vacuum, laundry, bathrooms, wipe finger prints of walls, etc. But the day to day stuff is a little trickier for me. But here is the kicker. As I have prayed for perspective and to be free from my daily guilt about my house I realized something. How I live is perfectly fine. I don't have to be a perfect housekeeper. I mean obviously living neat is important, cleaning up after yourself and yahdee yah. But if my bed isn't made, it just means my bed isn't made. There is no underlying revelation about who I am, it is just an unmade bed. If there are dishes in my sink, or toys scattered abroad in my home, or other evidences of children it truly means only that I live in my house. It does not make me or anyone for that matter less or more spiritual depending on how they keep their house. It just makes us different. I have felt the same way about my weight. It has been a huge struggle for me. I have prayed mightily to see me through the Lord's eyes. What is his purpose for me? How does he feel about my weight? What are righteous goals for weight loss? When I am close to the spirit my thoughts are clear. I am just fine. I want to be thinner and in due time I will be. But I don't have to berate myself over everything I eat. I don't have to feel guilty about how much I did or didn't work out. Sometimes it is hard, so very hard. But then I pray and I ask Heavenly Father to help me remember to have eternal perspective. I don't want to get to heaven and realize that I worried about all the wrong things. That in essence I wasted my time here. I think guilt is the adversary's way of helping us waste time. A therapist once told me, "effective not perfect". I think of those words often. We didn't come here to be PERFECT, we came here to be PERFECTED. I am who I am. I am not necessarily proud of my weaknesses, but I recognize them as opportunities. It is through improving those weaknesses that I can better know my Savior. I love the gospel. I love prayer. I love that every prayer that passes from our lips or our hearts is heard. I am who I am, because of my Heavenly Father. I don't mind not carrying around so much guilt. I am grateful for the strength the Lord gives me to stand up to myself when I feel it creeping back in. The adversary knows I will not drink, or do drugs or anything like that, but that doesn't mean he doesn't keep at it. He needs me to fail b/c I am a wife and a mother. Well bring it on. I am a wife and a mother. I love these people I serve and I will pray and prepare and build my walls of fortification that I might "conquer the fiery darts of the adversary". So guilt I will no longer allow you to haunt or impose upon me. I have nothing to be guilty of. I am a child of God.

One more day!!!

So Raym called this morning for our two minute chat...and he mentions how he was wrong about when he would be coming home...my heart sank...and then he says "I will actually be home Thursday afternoon"...YIPPEEEE!!! I was a very happy woman...I have been feeling better over the past couple of days as I have been able to pray and ponder and read my scriptures. I have come to some realizations about what direction I need to be heading and have felt peace about some concerns I have had. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for where I am and where I am not. I am glad that the trials I have are the only ones I have. I am grateful to where the Lord has brought me spiritually and for all that I get to learn as life moves forward.

missing the love of my life

Ray is in Japan this week. He left Saturday morning and will be back Friday night. I have talked to him a total of five minutes in three days. I have suffered a personal dissappointment and I have really needed him. His cell phone doesn't work over there so I can't even email him regularly like I usually can. He does have internet in his hotel room, but they are only there to go to bed and to get up, b/c they are so busy. Sometimes I wished someone else knew the intimate details of my life so in times like these I could call them. I am grateful for prayer though. I have spent much of today in thoughtful prayer. And when I can, I grab my scriptures. And I am thankful he will return in just a few days. I just want to melt in his arms. I am glad I have him.

Happy Fourth of July

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After sweating it out all day that I would some how miss it...I finally...........got tickets....................to see............HANNAH MONTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok so really it is for my girls..but all I have thought about all week is what their faces will look like when they see her "in person"...she will be at the Stadium of Fire in Provo on the fourth of July. We got some extra tickets to sell. The girls are VERY excited. When I told them, I first said "who is the coolest person next to Mommie?", and Aspen looked at me like "duh" and said "Hannah"...we are on a first name basis here :) and then I told them and we all jumped around singing her songs. So now we hurry up and wait.....

Some Questions Answered :)

I have been tagged by Kami Su!


What color are your socks right now? pink and white
What are you listening to right now? my kids playing with Alexa, Jim Brickman is on as well
What was the last thing you ate? Chicken and spaghetti with salad
Can you drive a stick shift? yes, I learned in St. George on a diesel truck.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Kelly Green
Last person you spoke to on the phone? Ray's Mom, just checking on her mommy heart b/c one of her kids was TV today
Do you like the person who tagged you? Love her!
How old are you today? 31
Favorite drink? Water
What is your favorite sport to watch? soccer and football
Have you ever dyed your hair? tens years strong
Pets? 4 and we just added a 21 year old RM in our basement, thank goodness noone sheds :)
Favorite food? at home grilled chicken with mashed potatoes and salad...if I am going out...Smith and Wollensky's oscar style filet mignon
Last movie you watched? Transporter on Blue Ray (the only way to go) with my brother, he is catching up on his movie's
Favorite day of the year? I didn't used to have a favorite day...but as prideful as it may sound my birthday is my favorite day...I am grateful that I was born...I am grateful for me :)
What do you do to vent you anger? Pray,write in my journal, exercise, talk
What was your favorite toy as a child? dolls and Barbie's
What is your favorite fall or spring? Fall - I LOVE the colors and the smells and just the way it feels
Hugs or kisses? hugs are my fav...I love to hug...not just someone but everyone!!!
Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry
Living arrangements? Me, my hubby, our 4 little ones and my brother
Last time you cried? Today-it was a happy cry

I tag the four people who read my blog...wait one of the four tagged me so that makes 3 of ya...have fun :)

Arizona visitors

A wonderful friend of mine whom I met when we lived in Boston came to Utah to visit family. They were able to come up and visit us for a day. I feel blessed to have all the friends I do. I do however wish that y'all all just lived closer. But alas I have been blessed to even have y'all as friends.

Happy Anniversary

March 19th was Ray and I's 8 year anniversary. I was more emotional this year as I considered where we have been and where we are now. I mentioned to Ray how I wished I could have met him after being healed...and then I realized that we would not be as close as we are now had we not been through all that we had together. He mentioned that not much can replace the growth from a refiner's fire. Not many really know of the intimate details of just how hard things really got for us. Not b/c there was anything "wrong" with our relationship but b/c I was struggling with so much. Ray stood beside me when I know that to so many his leaving would be justifiable. In my own defense I was never a bad wife, but my needs were very very demanding. On several occasions my husband would have to take over completely in our lives b/c I was too depressed to function. He is truly my hero, my everything. Sometimes it is actually surreal to me that he loves 'me'. He loves all those things about me that a woman would ever hope a man would love about her. He notices me and the things I do to try to improve myself and our home. All my life I hoped for what he has given me. I am so grateful to the Lord for preparing him for me and for blessing him with the strength and faith that he would need to endure those first 7 1/2 years. I look forward to spending the rest of forever with the love of my life.

my roses...aren't they beautiful :)

Welcome Home Elder Davis

My brother Austin got home from his mission March 14. It was a joyous occasion (I love that word 'joyous'). He is now actually living with us in our basement and he works with Ray and will be attending Weber State this fall. It has been fun having him live here and I have enjoyed getting the opportunity for us to get to know each other again. I think b/c of our ten year age difference we haven't been able to relate to one another until now. He has grown so much spiritually and emotionally these past two years. We have been able to share some great insights and stories. For those of you who are curious he served in the Portland Oregon Mission.

Loving the Swingset

The kids have been loving our swingset. I am constantly being summoned to watch some new trick. I have loved having it, I am not sure why exactly. I know that having a backyard for my kids to play in was a dream in and of its own...but to have this cool swingset is such great icing for the cake :)

Our pet lion

Ready for the circus

A Barn Raising....of sorts

Aspen and Sunny sitting on the frame (Day 1)

So it began Friday with opening 6 boxes, bringing the wood around back, walking the yard to find the "perfect" spot, and recruiting as many souls as were willing to work for FREE :) Steph and Craig and their kids came up on Friday and for some reason I didn't get any pictures. Amber and Wayne, and Abby and Ray came up on Saturday to help out. Thanks Craig, Ray and Wayne for sacrificing your time to help my husband. We truly could not have done it without you.

Day two's beginnings

Alexa has been a little sick, she would make this silly face when she was whinning

Amber and Wayne sittin in a tree........



The three Ray's (Abby brought her friend whose name is Ray...to distinguish I would call my Ray "ray my husband", and then of course baby Ray is well baby Ray )



building the rock wall




Alexa's middle name is Nicole which is my sisters middle name...love you ber!!!



baby Ray testing the rock wall





the rope ladder...Great job on the knots guys!!






A job well done!!!!!!!









I am in love with the swingset/ fort thingy :) It has everything you could think of for kids to play on...including a picnic table and a general store type thing underneath...we only had one bloody nose by days end...I joked that I need to put up a sign to record how long we go without injury...Ray the friend joke " 4 hours injury free"...how true!!!





Come one come all to the Griffin playland...lemonade and snacks included!!!!