Thoughts

I can't tell you how many times I think of something I want to post but then I don't for fear of what someone might think. Well that is the end of that. Guilt is something that has haunted me for so long. I am reaching a limit with it though. I am finding I like to be free of it. If you really know me, you know how much I think. I think about everything I do. Once Ray said to me "babe you breathe on purpose, the rest of us don't even notice we are breathing". I am passionate. I like being passionate. I like who I am. My weaknesses aren't my favorite, but they are mine. For years and years and years and well more years I suffered from guilt, feeling bad about who I was. Feeling guilty for my thoughts, what I did or didn't do, or wear, or eat, or say. My first healing freed me from a lot of that. But there was still some guilt. Since my being healed from my mood disorders in November I have been freed on another level. I have noticed as well that the more I pray for a reprieve from my guilt that everyday I feel more and more free. Something I learned from my years of therapy is that emotions just don't disappear, they have to be replaced. So what has replaced my guilt? Peace, honesty, respect for who I am, recognition of just what it means to be mortal. I have never been the greatest house keeper. I clean every week, you know, mop, vacuum, laundry, bathrooms, wipe finger prints of walls, etc. But the day to day stuff is a little trickier for me. But here is the kicker. As I have prayed for perspective and to be free from my daily guilt about my house I realized something. How I live is perfectly fine. I don't have to be a perfect housekeeper. I mean obviously living neat is important, cleaning up after yourself and yahdee yah. But if my bed isn't made, it just means my bed isn't made. There is no underlying revelation about who I am, it is just an unmade bed. If there are dishes in my sink, or toys scattered abroad in my home, or other evidences of children it truly means only that I live in my house. It does not make me or anyone for that matter less or more spiritual depending on how they keep their house. It just makes us different. I have felt the same way about my weight. It has been a huge struggle for me. I have prayed mightily to see me through the Lord's eyes. What is his purpose for me? How does he feel about my weight? What are righteous goals for weight loss? When I am close to the spirit my thoughts are clear. I am just fine. I want to be thinner and in due time I will be. But I don't have to berate myself over everything I eat. I don't have to feel guilty about how much I did or didn't work out. Sometimes it is hard, so very hard. But then I pray and I ask Heavenly Father to help me remember to have eternal perspective. I don't want to get to heaven and realize that I worried about all the wrong things. That in essence I wasted my time here. I think guilt is the adversary's way of helping us waste time. A therapist once told me, "effective not perfect". I think of those words often. We didn't come here to be PERFECT, we came here to be PERFECTED. I am who I am. I am not necessarily proud of my weaknesses, but I recognize them as opportunities. It is through improving those weaknesses that I can better know my Savior. I love the gospel. I love prayer. I love that every prayer that passes from our lips or our hearts is heard. I am who I am, because of my Heavenly Father. I don't mind not carrying around so much guilt. I am grateful for the strength the Lord gives me to stand up to myself when I feel it creeping back in. The adversary knows I will not drink, or do drugs or anything like that, but that doesn't mean he doesn't keep at it. He needs me to fail b/c I am a wife and a mother. Well bring it on. I am a wife and a mother. I love these people I serve and I will pray and prepare and build my walls of fortification that I might "conquer the fiery darts of the adversary". So guilt I will no longer allow you to haunt or impose upon me. I have nothing to be guilty of. I am a child of God.