I must qualify a statement I made in my previous post. Friends do have eternal value. The Lord was giving me an opportunity to grow closer to him and to better rely on him. The original inspiration came after I met with my Bishop last year just after or before Ray left. I can't recall exactly. I can look it up in my journal if you need me too :) Anyway. The Bishop had just given me a blessing where the Lord said that while Ray was gone I was to go through a refiners fire. That I had an opportunity to learn things I would never get the chance to learn again. And I had the ultimate choice but the lessons were mine if I was willing to do follow the Lord. Before I walked out of the church building I felt impressed to sit down and write my thoughts and feelings. As I wrote very specific thoughts came to my mind. Quit Facebook. Quit your blog. Leave your friends. (I was with out cable as well because Ray and I had already suspended it for while he was gone to save money.) Those impressions were very strong. I struggled with them. A made another appointment with my Bishop to share with him what I had felt. He reminded me of my blessing. I knew what I had to do. As I prayed about my concerns in having contact with no one other than Ray's sisters and mom, that is when the image of Lot's wife came into my mind. Friends are important to the Lord. But at that point in my life, I had something more important to learn. I would give it all up again in a heart beat. The things I learned are innumerable and eternal. The pinnacle of that fire came when I had to deliver my baby girl with out my husband. Probably the biggest lesson I learned is that you truly are never alone. It was hard a experience, but a fulfilling, peaceful and eternal experience.

First we got a new/used Yukon XL. LOVE IT!!! We traded in Ray's Tahoe and got that and we will be getting him a commuter car tomorrow. It seats nine, and it just feels so nice to be in that instead of a van.

We also turned off cable. Off, nada, zilch. It has been wonderful. We have "missed" Idol, Biggest Loser and the Duggars, but my life doesn't feel any less. I like that we just don't have that option. With out even realizing it you just find other things to do, things that always have needed to get done but would get ignored with the excuse of "I just want to relax for a bit". Television isn't actually relaxation. It is having something else babysit your mind. I realized that particular point on Thursday. The kids were watching a movie while I was upstairs. A very strong impression came to me that ultimately having them watch a movie was not good for their spirits. It was a distraction. They weren't learning. They didn't have to think, or engage. I felt strongly that in addition to no cable we needed to take a hiatus from movie's as well. Ray and I prayed about it and we have decided to follow that counsel. I am sure to some that seems drastic. Many of my decisions in my life have seemed drastic. Namely last year when I cut everything off just as the Lord had asked me. I fear the Lord more than I fear any one's opinion.

When I went to him last year with my "concerns" about not having contact with friends the thought that immediately came to my mind was of Lot's wife. I knew the Lord was asking me to not long for those things that presented me with no eternal value. The Lord knows what is best for me and my family. His standards, his thoughts, his request are not of this world.

I asked my children this question when I informed them of our decision. What would happen if you never saw another movie? or any television? Nothing bad. Your mind will be more free for thoughts from the Lord, more time for pondering, more time for reading, more time for learning, more time for things that count. Just in these past four days I have seen a difference.

As far as computer games. Saturday only with an appropriate time limit. Sounds strict huh? Confining? If you are feeling that way I would like to ask you the same questions I have asked and do ask myself. What is your salvation worth to you? Have you ever asked the Lord what he needs you to give up right now so that you can be closer to him? Have you ever asked him what worldly interest you have that interfere with your spiritual growth? Would you be willing to walk away from them if he asked? The Lord when counseling the twelve apostles asked them to renounce their worldly interests. (Jesus the Christ, Elder James E Talmage) Maybe we aren't apostles, but aren't we all trying to be closer to our Savior?

Interests, preferences, things that we enjoy are not in and of themselves distractions. It is our dedication to them that can be. When they come before our Lord and our family. When we sacrifice time for scripture study, temple attendance and even time with our family to selfishly pursue our interests. There is such a fine balance with it all, but I know the Lord knows each of us personally and can help us find that eternal balance. I know that if he asks us to give up something it isn't to torture us. It is because he wants to help us grow, to gain a clearer eternal perspective and to ultimately become more like him.

Maybe one day we will have television and movies again. Maybe not. I will not however pine away for something that is not. I will pray for perspective, to be able see what he wants me to learn. And enjoy the opportunity to grow closer to my Savior and my family.

My Heavenly Father loves me...again

I worry. I worry about everything really. I worry if I am being a good mom. I worry if I am working out hard enough. I worry if I am thinking of others enough. I worry about it all. Last night I was maxed out on worry. What if this job doesn't pay like we hoped for? What if we can't find me a car? What if I have to drive a wheelbarrow? What if I don't lose my weight and can't get in shape? What if after all my effort I end up not succeeding at being a good nurtionist or personal trainer? Senseless worry really. Have you ever been there? When it all seems hopeless for a minute. I had Ray give me a blessing. I love my Heavenly Father. He said to be at peace. He said it is going to be okay. That we have worked hard, I have worked hard and that as I continue to work hard I will be blessed. That all the things that I have ever been promised will come to fruition. He said the life I have longed to live will be mine. He knew what I needed to hear. He knows my needs. He knows me. I don't think I lack faith, I believe I have moments where I don't have the clearest eternal perspective. It is in those moments I am not seeing things from His time table. I am looking through my very earthly mortal eyes. He will bless me. Today I am focusing on how he loves me, the blessings I do have. And when that worry creeps us again, I will kindly remind it of eternal perspective, promised blessings and of my Heavenly Fathers love for me. I can't assume I will never worry or doubt. I can however be prepared to face it and find my eternal footing again.

A new beginning

Good morning! Good day!! Today our life begins anew. My husband of ten years starts his new job today. I feel hopeful. It felt so freeing to post about my mom yesterday. It felt like I had set free all that I was holding in. I slept wonderful. I woke up happy and ready for this new chapter. This new job is a commissioned job with a base pay. Translation we actually won't be making any more money than we have with his part-time jobs at first, but I have full faith that the Lord will bless us in time. Again if we can be patient with his timing and if we are willing to work for those blessings he will bless my husband's efforts and make them fruitful. I know our Heavenly Father and Savior want us to succeed.

I feel light and I feel free. I feel the burden of our two year trial being lifted. It is interesting to note that though we are beginning a new chapter I know I will actually have to work harder now to feel the spirit and to receive inspiration. The Lord revealed that to me yesterday at church. I would like to compare it to working out. When working out especially when you haven't for awhile it is hard. The same is true when you begin a new work out. Your muscles are fatigued, you hurt, you really have to give it effort. In time your muscles adapt and you even become stronger, the work out no longer has the same affects on your body. Spirituality is the same. Trials are work outs. Eventually during a trial you become strong enough to bare it, you even find peace and joy during it. Then the Lord in his wisdom either removes it or takes in you in a new direction. When a trial is removed it is like a work out shift, the load is lighter, life is easier to bare. To challenge your spiritual muscles you have to work harder to grow. You don't have that heavy weight giving you the necessary resistance. There is never a time where you can kick back and relax in preparing to meet your Savior. I look at this time of transition as opportunity to show him I am loyal. That I during a time when I don't feel desperate or lonely that I will seek him out always. That I will put him first in everything everyday.

I can not express enough the peace I have felt since my post yesterday. I have had new insights and realizations about me. I feel free to "move about the cabin" if you will. I feel this is an exciting time in my life. I can define myself now. Do I care if I have dishes in my sink? When do I want to clean? What goals do I want to set? What do I like? Simple questions maybe but like I said for so long my answers to these questions and so many others have depended on what approval I would receive from others. You see I projected my mother's disapproval on to other people. I wanted others to like me because I had been waiting for my mother to like me. I am okay now if you don't like me. I realize that I don't have to wait for her approval or anyone else's to feel comfortable to be me.

Is my journey already done? No. I believe this is just the beginning. I know that the Lord has so much more to teach me about myself and how to move forward with out my family. I know that everyday I will feel stronger and more at peace. I know that the peace I feel today is a gift from him. I know that my husband's job is a blessing directly from the Lord. We did not seek this job out. My husband was called and asked to send in his resume. For me it is a sign that the tide is changing and the Lord is taking us in a new direction. So beautiful, the way the Lord works in our lives.

I have felt weighed down since my encounter with my mother. So many thoughts I have been running through my mind.

When speaking of my mother to others in these past few years I have often explained away her behavior. I didn't want someone to think ill of her. But in doing that I have done a disservice to myself. With my explanations I had mistakenly hoped that she saw it all the same way. I had hoped that with each passing day that she too longed for me. That experience last weekend crushed me. I have not cried that hard in a very long time. I have cried a lot actually this past week. As I prayed more the reality sank in even deeper. She is making and has constantly made a very conscience decision to not love me. Before you come to her defense. Love is an action. When we love we do. Thus the Lord's counsel "If ye love me keep my commandments". When we love we act. My mother does not love me. She cared for me by providing clothing, shelter, and food (debatable). Those things require no emotion. No attachment.

She had to work at not being attached to me, she had to push me away. I know these things because the Lord has revealed them to me. The Lord loves my mother and that has always been very clear to me. But her actions are real for whatever reason they have transpired. And they have negatively impacted my life. In revealing to me my mother in her truest form if you will, I do not believe the Lord is condemning her. I believe he is trying to help me understand my life a bit better. The Lord is very honest but with that honesty comes love. He knows that my mother was abusive, manipulative and at times hateful but he still loves her and I know he expects the same from me.

I will love her, I do love her. And not a pitiful love. I love her as a daughter of God. I will never understand her decisions, I will never understand her. But I can walk away knowing, I did forgive her, I tried to love her right here, right now. My sister, my brothers, my mom are not emotionally healthy. I think for years I have longed to help them. Maybe that is where my mom has felt threatened. I have learned things I long to share with them. But the time is not now.

So now I move on. The Lord has promised me another healing. The journey's are never simple or easy, but they are always worth it. I KNOW he has a plan for me. I know that if I am willing to put the "hours" the Lord will come through for me. How do you move forward? Prayer and scripture study. The standard answers really. As I have prayed this week I have realized all the ways I have been holding back in life awaiting my mothers approval. I struggle with guilt a lot. I know will all do in our own way. For me my guilt is about me. Am I pretty? Do you like my kids? Am I doing a good job at being me? I also struggle with autonomy. Who am I with out my mothers approval? Who am I with out a mother, sister or brothers? Who am I period?

My mom was controlling. Upon entering high school I wasn't allowed to do athletics. ??? Ask my mom. I have never understood that one. But my junior year when my sister joined the cross country team it was suddenly okay for me to join as well. It was weird the things she let me do and the things she didn't. I found myself not necessarily having any direction in regards to making choices in things that would help me define myself. I was just so desperate to do something that I just kept asking until she said yes. The damage in that is I spent those vital years as a teenager trying to figure her out instead of me. Friends? Most of them feared her which I think she liked. It wasn't until my senior that I was finally allowed out a bit. Dating was just weird. I would go out and return home on time mind you, to a locked up house with no lights. WEIRD!!! Yes it did scare guys away. Especially because she would come to the door half asleep and yelling at me about how late it was. I was scared everyday. I hated waking up in the morning because I knew as soon as she saw me my day would be awful. Don't do this. Why are you doing that? Go here. Go there. You don't need that. Stop that. Andraé why are you so...? It really was hell every day. You didn't eat, shower, go to bed, get dressed, yawn, go outside, or breathe with out her absolute approval. One of her favorite things to do was to get right in your face grab you by the jaw, grit her teeth which caused her to spit on you, but don't you dare move because of it, and verbally annihilate you. She could cut like a knife verbally. It felt at times that she got pleasure in reminding you of how unworthy you were. If looks left bruises then I would have been covered everyday. When we were in public she was less inclined to show her true colors, so she used looks. And you knew what each look meant, and there were some looks that you feared for your life quite literally when you returned home, really hoping that she would forget by the time you go there. I know all mom's have looks but she gave looks for mere existence, if she didn't like what you said, ate, or who you sat by, running away seemed a good option. Her physical abuse was hidden. She never left bruises, except on my bottom. But she pinched, slapped and would squeeze the life out of your limbs and drag you around and shake you to yell at you. Why tell you this? Because it is a release. I am not just writing all this I am feeling it. I have told these stories a thousand times but I have never FELT them. I have always been disassociated in my heart from the story, that way it didn't hurt. But not allowing it to hurt has only protected her and postponed my healing. My mother was manipulative, spiteful, vindictive, and a liar. I might not have worn the same pair of underwear for 5 years like she says she did as a child, but she treated me no different than her mother treated her. I would have rather worn old undies and had her love than to have the pretty dresses and know everyday that she didn't even like me.

I have been praying to be able to let go. I have been praying to see who I am. Don't get me wrong. I know I am a daughter of God. I know that he loves me. But who am I? So many of the decisions I have made in life I made not solely for me but because deep inside I was hoping to get approval. I think that is what has driven me to pray about everything. My fear of making the wrong choice. And this unhealthy desire to perfect myself. I say unhealthy because at the root of it is that approval thing again. That if I am perfect then I am lovable. But we weren't meant to be perfect here. We are supposed to have weaknesses because they strengthen us.

If you asked me what would be my one desire at this point I would say a hug, a warm deep approving hug. A hug that says you are wanted, you are special and I am glad that you are mine. A mommy hug.

I know the Lord will compensate, heal me and fill that void.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me!

I know because he shows me daily.

This weekend my husband has been away on his reserve weekend. He has been able to come home in the evenings. Today he was gone as well. I can do hard things, but sometimes I don't mind if I don't have too. The Lord being merciful did not require of me to have to be overwhelmed during sacrament meeting with my children. I have very busy children. They all move a lot, they talk a lot, all of them always have. The Lord told me once in a blessing that my children's bodies struggle to keep up with their spirits :) But today they were calm. Calm for them. I knew it was the hand of the Lord and I could not help but thank him over and over during the meeting. Baby Ray didn't leave primary at all. They all were so very obedient and went straight to the van after church. They all even waited to have their treats until after that ate their lunch. AND they ate their vegetables!!! Mercy, the Lord has shown me mercy and love.

Now does this mean that when my kids are all over the place and I feel overwhelmed that he doesn't love me. No. He allows those moments to teach me. I believe today he knew that I needed a breather. So I will take it with gratitude in my heart.

I forgot to mention the job itself :) He will be working for Shirley J a food sales company based in Orem, so it looks like we will be moving at some point. He will be reporting directly to his uncle Scott, who helped us get the job. Everything will be finalized tomorrow.

A JOB!!!

22 months folks. Can you believe it has been that long since my husband has had a full-time job? Me either. Wow. What an experience this has been. I have felt very thoughtful today. Grateful too. But I want to make sure that I don't get so caught up in being excited and moving forward that I forget to reflect on what the Lord has given us both now and during this experience. We have learned so much. I am sure I have learned things I don't realize yet. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity.

It is going to be fun to pay our own bills again :) We have been blessed with the support of our ward for our rent and food, and sometimes bills if we couldn't cover it. That is a lesson in and of itself.

My testimony has grown so much during this trial. I have a firm testimony of paying your tithing and of fast offerings. The windows of heaven are not always monetary or temporal. I have a testimony of being willing to endure all that our Father in Heaven needs us to. He truly knows what is best for us...eternally. And if we can let go and have faith in that he can "take" us places spiritually one could never imagine. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my Savior. I love how they have loved me and blessed me.

In defense

My sister isn't malicious. I would like to believe. I don't think she went to my mom on purpose. I don't know if she even realized the consequences of talking to my mom about me. I would like to imagine that she shared what she did with my mom because she thought she was helping my mom. I imagine too that to a certain extent that she was hoping to earn some kind of praise from my mom. I did that when I was younger. I would say things I didn't really believe, or phrase things just the right way hoping to please my mom. I think my sister does love me, but I know she doesn't know me. We have always seen things very differently.

Last year while Ray was gone I was told by the Lord to cut ties with everything and everyone. I quit facebook and blogging. I didn't speak to anyone except Ray's mom and sisters. At first I didn't understand the purpose but soon I realized that Lord needed to me to learn how to lean more effectively on him for all things. I didn't have correspondence with my family during that time either. It was nice actually. I rebooted to life if you will after Raym came home, and after the Lord let me know it was okay. I think I might need to cut ties with my family. I love them, but they hurt me and they don't love me back. What do you think? Of course I will pray about it.

Does this really need an explanation?

While I was cleaning yesterday I just had to stop and take these two pictures.

This is was at Grandma and Dado's. Literally hours before she decides to stop nursing :)

Just cute!!

Arwyn

She stopped. Nursing that is. I realized as the weekend progressed that the Lord wasn't prompting me to stop, he was prompting me so that I wouldn't be surprised when she did. The Lord was merciful though. That Saturday, a week ago, after our family walk I knew she needed to eat. I said a very quiet prayer in my heart, hoping to feed her one last time. The desire of my heart was granted. She only nursed one side though :) But I knew it was the hand of the Lord. I tried again last week just to see, and she still refused. She is happy with the bottle, and I have found peace with this transition.

I am filled with so much emotion. I love writing. It is a release for me. It is how I feel more emotionally organized. You have heard a lot about my mom. Or maybe you haven't. As I have been going through this weightloss journey she has been my greatest vice. I didn't realize the impact a mother can have on her child until I started devling into why I struggled with over-eating. I have already spoken of her lack of affection and how really over all she failed me. Well despite my recognition of how she wasn't there for me deep in my heart I had ever had hopes that one day we could have a healthy relationship. For whatever reason my mother has chosen not to have a relationship with me. I can truly say she has never called me since we have lived here. We did see her a couple of times when we first moved here. Truly my whole single life has been me contacting her, really in hopes that she would reciprocate.

This past week my mother visited my sister in Fort Worth Texas after the birth of her first baby. Why didn't my mom ever help me with any of my children? That is a post for another lifetime. I thought about my mom a lot last week. I even talked with my sister about it. Big mistake. I trusted her with my thoughts and feelings. I know ultimately I was betrayed. On Saturday I asked my mom to dinner. My intention was to let her know I desired to have a relationship with her. So we met in Lehi at Chili's.

I should have known my mothers truest feelings about me with one of her first remarks. I stated how much I have always loved Chili's. Her reply was filled with distain and hatred. "Yes Andraé everyone knows how you love Chili's. You have always made that very clear" What? So while we are eating I share with her that Ray has had a job interview down in Orem and that if we get the job we would be moving. I told her I like the Pleasant Grove, Lehi, American Fork area. She promptly discourages me from moving anywhere near there. Uh she lives in Pleasant Grove? If it is such a bad place why doesn't she move?

So we finish our dinner and I tell her how I do want to have a relationship with her but that I don't know how. She proceeds to tell me how the only way our relationship will work is if I change. That when my brother Austin came home from his mission I deceived her and betrayed her. I wish I could give you the whole story of what happened but that would require even more history of our incredibly dysfunctional family. I understand why she felt deceived but I would not change what I did because I did it for my brother. I knew she would be upset. She is always upset. Anyway her case was presented to me just as it always has been my entire life. How selfish I am. How I think I know more than her. How I only care for myself and noone else. And that I will run over anyone to accomplish my goals. She said she knew all that I say about her. The lies and manipulations. I asked her to tell me what it was I said. And just like when I was a teenager she had nothing, only to say "Andraé I shouldn't have to tell you what you have said, you know what you say". I remember once my senior year after dragging me out of a the church literally by my hair she told me to pack up and to get out of the house, that by the time she got back from the boys haircut she wanted me gone. I called around but noone could let me come stay. I think they were more afraid of my mother than letting me stay with them. My friend Jill said I could stay with them. Cecilia, Jill's mom was a friend of my mom's. They were at my house picking me up when Mom got back. Mom came in so casual. "Hey what are y'all doing here?" Like she didn't know. Cecilia tells her they were there to pick me up because I told them Mom had asked me to leave. Here lady's and gentlemen was my mom's signature 180 degree turn. "what? I don't know what you are talking about!" She glared at me and went on to say that while she and I had our disagreements she would never kick me out. She continued to explain how I was always trying to make her out to be this awful mother trying to get people to feel sorry for me. She played that violin until Cecilia left. And what do you think happened after she was gone? Yes this is when the real dragon is released. The slapping, the screaming, the emotional degrading, I probably wasn't allowed to eat with the family in order to "show" me how unimportant I was.

I laughed as I sat there and listened to her. Seriously this is still her platform? As she was speaking the reality was setting in. She will never love me. She never did. I always knew she didn't. She made it very clear. I told her I think it is easier for her not to talk to me. I think she likes it that way. She told me 12 years ago that she knew I was okay with out her. She called me some lovely names that I hadn't heard in awhile. I told her she was that same woman that I came to when I was nine years old and told her that my uncle was molesting me and she told me I was lieing. Yep I told her she was evil. Now my friends, here is another twist in this lovely story. After I said that she looks at me and says "Ah-ha see you haven't forgiven me". Remember when I said my sister had betrayed me? The day before this heart-wrenching experience I had spoken with my sister. I had shared with her how I wanted Mom to be a part of my life. She wondered if I haven't forgiven mom. She talks about my relationship with my Dad how we are "chums", and yet I haven't forgiven my mother. Maybe she is right, I concede, but that is a matter a prayer maybe. I tell her I will talk to Heavenly Father about it. I share with her how it is hard to know that your mom doesn't love you and how you hope one day she will. Amber tells me she wants me and mom to be able to get along. Really? Then why call mom and tell her our conversation. I had never spoken to my mom about forgiveness regarding her. The only way she would be prompted to say what she did is if Amber had so kindly talked to her, "letting" her know about our conversation.

This is my life. This weekend I have felt as if I were in a episode of Days of our Lives :) Really. I won't lie, I have cried a lot. I wanted to reconcile with my mom. I want her to love me. She can't though, because she doesn't want to. I will be okay. It is just a very weird feeling inside. Deep rejection. If I didn't know my Heavenly Father loved me I think it would all hurt much worse. I think now is the time for me to move on. I will not have a mother in this lifetime. The Lord confirmed that in a blessing. It will be okay. He promised he would fill the void and I know in time he will.

I am doing better emotionally. At first I was scared to be prego. I mean my baby is only 8 months old almost. And really I wanted to get in better shape before the next one. After a few days I embraced it. It was interesting because I felt relief and sadness. Now it is exceptance. Whatever the Lord gives me I want to find a way to move forward with it and become better by going through it. My body has taken quite the hit over this past month and I can feel it. I look forward to healing and getting back to the gym.

I have been pondering weaning Arwyn. I have lost an inch or more with my diet and work outs but no weight. The Lord has told me through blessings I just won't lose the weight until I am no longer nursing. I am ready to lose the weight. I am ready for the next step of my life. It is hard to define in words. These past two years have been amazing, hard, humbling, miraculous and filled with growth. I truly feel like we are at the beginning of the end. Which might not happen for another two years. But I feel the finish of this chapter approaching. I am ready to be done nursing. Is that bad? I don't think so. I prayed about it last night, outlining to the Lord my "plan" if you will for wanting to wean Arwyn. I asked if it was his will.

Last night at 12:30 Arwyn woke up. Finally I gave in and Ray brought her to me. (good man!) She did not want to nurse. She refused me over and over. Two hours later and an attempt to bottle feed her a bit she fell asleep. She woke up at 6AM. Still she refused, but did take a little more bottle. All day she has refused to nurse, but she will take a bottle from Ray and the girls. I am not sure how all this plays into my prayer, but truly it is as if while sleeping someone came to her and said "it is time to wean". I pump milk for her and will until she gets the hang of this. No she does not have a fever. She is not congested and is not pulling on her ears. Curious indeed. I shall keep you posted over the next couple of days.

I must let you know how grateful I am. I have had moments recently where I have wondered if the Lord still remembered me. This week he has shown me in his own quiet way that he does. I am grateful for his patience as I learn to be patient with his will. A friend shared this quote with me which has changed me completely I share it with you.

it is the fourth paragraph of this talk

I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that he has a plan for me and my family. I know that sometimes when you step into the dark with faith you are in that dark a little bit longer than you had hoped. But I also know that it is only for our betterment. I used to always pray to have a boring life. Predictable. I would not know what I know today if the Lord had given me that. We made $23,000 last year. But what I gained spiritually is eternal and is mine. One day we will be out of this darkness. I won't miss it I have to be honest. But I will be forever grateful for everything that my Heavenly Father and Savior have taught me and given me. I KNOW that my Savior LIVES! I KNOW that I am important to my Heavenly Father. I KNOW!

I got the flu. I found out I was pregnant. I got strep. I miscarried.

I will be okay. We weren't "trying". This is my sixth or seventh miscarriage. It is weird for me because I felt a bit of relief and sadness. I am still a bit sad. It will pass I am sure and then I will be in a happy place again.