I am filled with so much emotion. I love writing. It is a release for me. It is how I feel more emotionally organized. You have heard a lot about my mom. Or maybe you haven't. As I have been going through this weightloss journey she has been my greatest vice. I didn't realize the impact a mother can have on her child until I started devling into why I struggled with over-eating. I have already spoken of her lack of affection and how really over all she failed me. Well despite my recognition of how she wasn't there for me deep in my heart I had ever had hopes that one day we could have a healthy relationship. For whatever reason my mother has chosen not to have a relationship with me. I can truly say she has never called me since we have lived here. We did see her a couple of times when we first moved here. Truly my whole single life has been me contacting her, really in hopes that she would reciprocate.

This past week my mother visited my sister in Fort Worth Texas after the birth of her first baby. Why didn't my mom ever help me with any of my children? That is a post for another lifetime. I thought about my mom a lot last week. I even talked with my sister about it. Big mistake. I trusted her with my thoughts and feelings. I know ultimately I was betrayed. On Saturday I asked my mom to dinner. My intention was to let her know I desired to have a relationship with her. So we met in Lehi at Chili's.

I should have known my mothers truest feelings about me with one of her first remarks. I stated how much I have always loved Chili's. Her reply was filled with distain and hatred. "Yes Andraé everyone knows how you love Chili's. You have always made that very clear" What? So while we are eating I share with her that Ray has had a job interview down in Orem and that if we get the job we would be moving. I told her I like the Pleasant Grove, Lehi, American Fork area. She promptly discourages me from moving anywhere near there. Uh she lives in Pleasant Grove? If it is such a bad place why doesn't she move?

So we finish our dinner and I tell her how I do want to have a relationship with her but that I don't know how. She proceeds to tell me how the only way our relationship will work is if I change. That when my brother Austin came home from his mission I deceived her and betrayed her. I wish I could give you the whole story of what happened but that would require even more history of our incredibly dysfunctional family. I understand why she felt deceived but I would not change what I did because I did it for my brother. I knew she would be upset. She is always upset. Anyway her case was presented to me just as it always has been my entire life. How selfish I am. How I think I know more than her. How I only care for myself and noone else. And that I will run over anyone to accomplish my goals. She said she knew all that I say about her. The lies and manipulations. I asked her to tell me what it was I said. And just like when I was a teenager she had nothing, only to say "Andraé I shouldn't have to tell you what you have said, you know what you say". I remember once my senior year after dragging me out of a the church literally by my hair she told me to pack up and to get out of the house, that by the time she got back from the boys haircut she wanted me gone. I called around but noone could let me come stay. I think they were more afraid of my mother than letting me stay with them. My friend Jill said I could stay with them. Cecilia, Jill's mom was a friend of my mom's. They were at my house picking me up when Mom got back. Mom came in so casual. "Hey what are y'all doing here?" Like she didn't know. Cecilia tells her they were there to pick me up because I told them Mom had asked me to leave. Here lady's and gentlemen was my mom's signature 180 degree turn. "what? I don't know what you are talking about!" She glared at me and went on to say that while she and I had our disagreements she would never kick me out. She continued to explain how I was always trying to make her out to be this awful mother trying to get people to feel sorry for me. She played that violin until Cecilia left. And what do you think happened after she was gone? Yes this is when the real dragon is released. The slapping, the screaming, the emotional degrading, I probably wasn't allowed to eat with the family in order to "show" me how unimportant I was.

I laughed as I sat there and listened to her. Seriously this is still her platform? As she was speaking the reality was setting in. She will never love me. She never did. I always knew she didn't. She made it very clear. I told her I think it is easier for her not to talk to me. I think she likes it that way. She told me 12 years ago that she knew I was okay with out her. She called me some lovely names that I hadn't heard in awhile. I told her she was that same woman that I came to when I was nine years old and told her that my uncle was molesting me and she told me I was lieing. Yep I told her she was evil. Now my friends, here is another twist in this lovely story. After I said that she looks at me and says "Ah-ha see you haven't forgiven me". Remember when I said my sister had betrayed me? The day before this heart-wrenching experience I had spoken with my sister. I had shared with her how I wanted Mom to be a part of my life. She wondered if I haven't forgiven mom. She talks about my relationship with my Dad how we are "chums", and yet I haven't forgiven my mother. Maybe she is right, I concede, but that is a matter a prayer maybe. I tell her I will talk to Heavenly Father about it. I share with her how it is hard to know that your mom doesn't love you and how you hope one day she will. Amber tells me she wants me and mom to be able to get along. Really? Then why call mom and tell her our conversation. I had never spoken to my mom about forgiveness regarding her. The only way she would be prompted to say what she did is if Amber had so kindly talked to her, "letting" her know about our conversation.

This is my life. This weekend I have felt as if I were in a episode of Days of our Lives :) Really. I won't lie, I have cried a lot. I wanted to reconcile with my mom. I want her to love me. She can't though, because she doesn't want to. I will be okay. It is just a very weird feeling inside. Deep rejection. If I didn't know my Heavenly Father loved me I think it would all hurt much worse. I think now is the time for me to move on. I will not have a mother in this lifetime. The Lord confirmed that in a blessing. It will be okay. He promised he would fill the void and I know in time he will.