I hit a wall today. I bumped into it yesterday but recovered. I only did 30 minutes of my P90X video. It was plyometric day and I just didn't want to jump. So instead I am on my elliptical. I need to work out but I feel like I am cheating by "only" doing cardio. It is in building muscle that you have permanent weight loss. I like pushing myself. I like the "burn". Today I don't for some reason. I feel emotional. I want to scream at everyone. Luckily I can resort to the stare. You know the look you can shoot at someone that means "Don't mess with we me today". I think I have anxiety about this surgery. I worry that I will have it and that the pain will be too much. I worry that I won't have it and then I won't get my 10lb weight loss I have "secretly" been looking forward too. I have a pre-op appointment on Monday. My throat hurts everyday so I am pretty sure we will just move forward. Why do I care? Because it is me. Remember that passion thing I supposedly love about myself :) Yeah well sometimes it can be a weakness. I don't just do anything. I am 150% invested in every part of my life. I won't do anything if I don't KNOW I can put everything in it. I either clean the whole kitchen really well or I don't touch it. I either do all the laundry or none of it. Isn't that weird? It's okay if you think so. I know I am weird. I always have been. I am not getting down on myself by any means. I am just being honest. I was thinking about my quirks last week and weekend. Have you every met my Aspen? That was me. I could talk to adults. I didn't speak kid language. I was a bit of a nerd in that I preferred reading to socializing. I was and still am a bit of a home body. I like being alone. Some people think that because speaking in public doesn't bother me or that because I am confident that I am an extrovert. Couldn't be more backwards. I LOVE being at home. I LOVE doing my own thing. I am more motivated alone than I am in a group. I don't mind leading a group, but working with in a group is hard for me. Conversation is always a bit awkward for me too. Bet you didn't know that either. I am not good at small talk when I first meet you. It is easier for me to get to the meat and potatoes part of your life, then I know what to talk about. Really I just always like to talk about the meat and potatoes in regards to life. I want to talk about what is really happening. It feels superficial to me to really talk about anything else. I am an all cards on the table person, not only with myself but with everyone. I don't do secrets. I kept those long enough. I will keep your secrets but I don't keep any and I expect the same from you. If you ask me how I am doing I will tell you. If you don't want to know, please don't ask. If I ask you how you are doing please don't give me the mailman answer. I know you want to be "fine" or "good". I am not looking for there to always be the answer that the sky fell. If you are excited about life then say it! If life sucks then please say it. I can take it. I have been there and a few stages below that. We don't have to have a therapy session, I just expect honesty.

I did break my rule last year when Ray was gone. If you have ever had to survive something you can understand. You can't say how you really feel because you can't. People don't want to hear first of all and you know that. I often felt like people who didn't really know me asked not because they cared but because they were curious. I felt like they wanted the sensationalism of a mother pregnant with her 5th home alone for five months. If I knew you cared I told you when you asked. I never call anyone to tell them how sad I am or how hard life is. I feel that is just opening up the airways for Satan and his pals to cast more doubt and misery into my life. I just took that to the Lord. The other reason you can't say is because if you for one second give into that misery the whole dam breaks. When you are going through things that cause you to go into survival mode, you tell yourself how good you are doing. You never admit how hard it is out loud to anyone but the Lord or maybe your spouse/best friend. You keep your eye on the prize. You know what I mean?

So back to being weird. I have often felt guilty for how different I was. I am not a groupy. Never have been. I was a bit of a roamer in school which left me target for those with nothing better to do but to project their own insecurities onto to me. I never had one set of friends. I like every body. I want to be friends with every body. I like what I learn from each person. I prefer not boxing myself in so that I can meet lots of people. I have felt different and awkward because of that. Well no more my friend. Something I realized this weekend is that my quirks are good. And I think my real friends have always known despite my attempts to not be weird, and they have loved me all along my trail of denial. Thank you! I am who I am. And as I learn more about the Savior's love for me I learn to love me more like he does. He has never asked me to be anything other than exactly who I am, while still allowing him to mold me and show me better ways. What a beautiful gift that we have in having a Savior that loves us perfectly imperfect. So I shall continue on in my quirking ways, typing an entire blog entry on my elliptical so as to distract myself from my work out that I really didn't want to do. And looking forward to eating something yummy and probably unhealthny so as to sabotage the whole work out :) The mind is a powerful thing.

Next week I am having my tonsils yanked out. I am nervous but peaceful. I prayed about it a lot. I know that the Lord will be with me and that I will be at peace, but I know too that there will be pain. I have had five c-sections. Those don't scare me. Mainly because I get this really cute little being that calls me mommy for forever. I can endure that pain in the name of motherhood. I am not sure how my approach to this pain will be :) I won't be bringing the tonsils home. The doc said this kind of thing is really hard for adults. More so for men than women :) but still hard. Pray for me please. Pray that I can endure it well. He said people usually lose weight with this type of surgery. Sweet! That's one bonus of living off Popsicles for a week or more. I am hopeful for a smooth recovery and anxious to see how it all works out with me being on Loritab. I am very sensitive to drugs so things could get exciting!

I am finished for the most part with my nutritionist certifications, I just need to get my CPR/AED certification. Now I switch my focus to finishing up my personal training cert. And I have decided I actually want to go to school and get my degree in Exercise Science. One day ultimately I want to be a doctor. It might not be for another ten years, but you can bet on your boots that it will happen. One day at time.

I am loving doing the P90X. Really good work outs. I feel it every time. My favorites are the plyometrics and the legs/back work outs. My goal is to be able to do 30 regular push-ups with out going to my knees and to do 10 pull-ups unassisted. I have checked the crystal ball and can see it in my future :) Bring it!!

Ray's littlest sister is getting married this summer. I have a lot of interesting emotions associated with the upcoming nuptials. I met Jes when she was 9. She would turn ten 4 months later. My Aspen is 9. She will be ten in January. I am not ready. Not ready for what? For my children to grow up and leave. You may be thinking to yourself about how much time I have. Really? I met Jes a little over 10 years ago. She was in fourth grade. Now she is engaged to be married this summer. Time is not our friend :) Because these ten years just flew by with out even asking permission. The scariest part for me is the inevitable heart ache my children will incur in their adult life. Right now their heart aches are manageable. They are sad when they can't get a toy, or have to do their chores or school work. Life won't be so simple for them later on I know they will be okay. I think a trial if you will for me, will be learning to let go. I trust the Lord implicitly with my own life. I pray that I can let go and not interfere with his will in my own children's lives as they get older. I am a very protective mother. It is interesting to me that I have been asked once if I didn't think I was too controlling. Truly that just makes me chuckle. My mother was controlling. As I have mentioned before I did not eat, sleep, talk, or move with out my mother telling me whether I could or not. Often my mom would even tell me to stop being so happy. I say often but I mean excessively. Probably on an every other day if not everyday basis my mother would say "You need to calm down, you are too happy". I bit ironic huh? You could see how I mother one of two ways. I control what my children see on television, and how much they see. I control where they go. I control what music they listen to. Or one could say. I filter what my children see on television and in movies giving them options that will promote their spiritual/mental growth. I teach them about what music invites the spirit and provide them with such. I set certain social limits in regards to where they are allowed to go so as to set them up for success as children. My mother controlled me, she did not protect me. Outside of the continuing sexual abuse from my uncle, my mother allowed me into situations where my soul was compromised. The things I saw at the houses she allowed me to go to were spiritually annihilating. Even the things my mother watched on television were inappropriate for us as children. In my house I have set standards. They will always be there. Even now my children could rehearse to you what is or isn't permitted with in the walls of our home from manner of speech to dress and entertainment. I am well aware of the battles that lie ahead in the upcoming teenage years as my children will challenge those boundaries. I feel with the Lord by my side we can work those things out. At some point though my children will be out there in the world establishing their own boundaries. I see why the prophets in the Book of Mormon spent so much time praying for future generations. It is ultimately the Lord that will be in control at that time, not me. I believe Jes's upcoming wedding gives me yet another opportunity for growth. I know that though it will be ten years or so before I have a child leave my nest, that even now I can begin to pray for them. I can pray to know how to prepare them for their own trials. I can pray for peace in being able to let go and let the Lord lead their way. Every moment they spend with in the "walls" of my home I can be an instrument in the laying of their foundation. Every moment, every family home evening, every family prayer, everything that happens here shapes what they will do out there. I am not preparing my children for next week or next year. I am preparing them, shaping them for the rest of their lives. So lets get to it!

I have ever been in a psych ward, AND I am NOT ashamed of it. It was when I was Boston. I can't remember exactly but I think I was in twice or maybe three times. I can't remember either exactly how I ended up there. I am sure it all had to with medication and the instability of my brain. I learned a lot though. I prefer the really crazy people. They are more honest than most. They know they are crazy. They have some great stories. Some true. Some you just aren't sure about. A lot of the people in there cycle in and out. They all just need(ed) the Savior. Their minds are just so unwell that they do well to feed themselves. A lot of them fluctuate between contributing members and homeless. You see they end up in the hospital suicidal, hallucinating or something exciting like that. The docs get them on meds. They get scripts for about a month or two. They get out, maybe get a job. And then they run out of meds and they don't go back because they think they are okay. Not realizing the medicine in their body eventually runs out. Their was a certain amount of innocence with these people. Some of them were manipulative, but it was definitely a skill I believe they developed for survival. The other patients often thought I was a doctor :) I think mostly because I knew way too much about meds, I can speak the psychology garb, and I was clean. I loved those people. I wanted to hug them and tell them that they have a father in Heaven who loves them, and Savior who could heal them. So many of their stories were the same. Homeless, broken home, drug or alcohol abuse, unsteady job or lack of job(s), no social skills. I was thinking of a friend this morning who came to visit me once while I was in. That is a true friend. While standing at the elevator waiting to leave one of the patience walked by completely naked. :) We still laugh about that. I can't remember what was up with that guy except that he was very mentally ill. A sad situation really. He needed constant monitoring. That dear friend though, with all that went on with me and how really weird and crazy I got at times because of all the different medicines I was on, stood by me and loved me. I think she actually liked having a 'crazy' friend. I don't regret my experiences in a psych ward. I am so very grateful for them. I learned a lot about me, and about compassion and mercy. One day those people will meet their Savior, and he will heal them. I hope I am able to witness it.

I have fought really hard to get where I am at today. Oh man the mistakes I have made, but the Lord has been with me all the while. I remember when I was in high school I would sleep with my Book of Mormon in hopes that it would protect me against the violence in my home. The things I have experienced, the things I have seen and heard are quite the collection. I would never trade my life. I know I chose this path in my pre-earth life because of what the Lord showed me I could become. I don't believe in normal, but I believe in traditional or average. I have longed for traditional. I have longed to just live. I know the Lord is blessing me with that. It may sound silly to some but I feel my car a gift from the Lord. A sign if you will of things to come. Each time I open my garage door my heart is flooded with gratitude and overwhelming emotion. My lot in life is not to have a constantly turned upside down life. I have no doubt that I will continue to have trials. But I know that the Lord will bless my husband in his job and we will be able to pay our bills again and to take care of ourselves and hopefully help others in their times of need. My hearts truest desire is to give back to others what the Lord has poured out to me. I want to love people. I want to hold them when there lives are spilled over in their laps. I want to help them with their homes, their meals or their children when they just can't bring themselves to do it. I want to be an instrument for the Lord. If no one ever knows my name, if I die only having been a primary teacher, visiting teacher, mother and wife then my life will have been fully lived. I don't care about fame or fortune. And that isn't just to sound fancy. I know what it feels like to hurt so bad that you lie on the floor curled up in ball almost wishing for death because your heart can't take it anymore. There are daughters of our Heavenly Father who are out there who don't know how important they are. They feel alone. They need comfort. That is where I want to be. I want to be in their home. I want to be the Lord's arms for them. There are people in my life that Lord sent along my way that kept me from completely sabotaging myself. They gave me hope. Their memories still do. I had a roommate in St George who means more to me than I think I show and more than she knows. I don't remember much about that time in my life. I do remember though how she made me feel. We would go for Sunday drives, sometimes listening to NIN (which is irony in and of itself). I wanted to be like her. She was confident and sweet at the same time. She had a strong personality and I felt protected by her, which was a feeling I so desperately needed. She stood up for me. She would tell me when I wasn't making the best choices. Bless her heart she must have felt like she had a little sister she had to watch over. There is lady I lived with in Texas for about 10 months. Wow the limbs she went out on for me. The thing is I was so lost. I was an emotional wreck. I made choices based on all the things that were missing in my life. I did things because I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know I had a choice. I wanted everyone...someone to like me. But the Lord in his mercy, understanding the emotional dilemma I was in sent people along my way who loved me despite the often inconveniences I put them in. I want to be that for someone else. What use are all the things I have learned if I keep it all to myself. I have a very firm testimony of the fact that we are all here to help each other return to our Father in Heaven. He could do it with out us, but what would heaven be if we all had not journeyed together to get there. I know our Heavenly Father knows each of us. He knows our needs. I know that we can be his instruments for good and have the wonderful opportunity of helping others on their paths to healing.

Sequoia

We got it ladies and gentlemen. The Red Sea was parted and we were approved and left the dealership with out a Tahoe and with a 2006 Sequoia. I am posting today in gray because that is the color of the car. It is to date the nicest car I have ever had. I love it! If you would have told me that not only would I one day have this car but that I would LOVE it, I would have laughed. I have never given Sequoia's a second glance. I have always been a Chevy girl. Here is the kicker for me. It has leather heated seats, 4WD, a sunroof and a DVD player. What? Yeah I felt like a 16 year old getting a new car for my birthday. The reason it was so exciting to me, other than those are just fun features, is that deep in my heart those are things I wanted in a car. I wanted an SUV with 4WD, with the leather seats and the DVD player and the sunroof. There is only one person who knew my heart. The Lord. Our getting this car was not luck. It isn't anything other than miraculous. When we were in our car accident in November we had to get a rental to get around. I found a car for exactly the amount of money we had. Used but it would work. It didn't feel right. In fact when I went to look at it, I felt so sick to my stomach I had to turn around. I prayed hard. The Lord said to keep renting the van. So I did. It was the same answer for the next couple of months. By the end of February I was beginning to question my own sanity. $268 a week. We always somehow came up the money. Mostly by the skin of our teeth. I had Ray give me a blessing. The Lord said specifically. "Yes you are supposed to rent the van. Continue to and you will know when to return it." If you were to ask me why the Lord wanted me to rent the van I could not tell you then and I can not tell you now. But I KNOW what the Lord asked me to do, and I did it. It isn't about us understanding, it is about our commitment to him DESPITE our understanding. When we found out about this loan with Toyota I was a bit nervous because we would be buying an expensive vehicle even if it is certified pre-owned. As I prayed about that the Lord reminded me of how much we spent on that rental van each week. The thought that came was that if the Lord helped us with those payments, he would again help us with these. That reminds me once of a moment when I felt so overwhelmed with the payments of the rental van. I knelt down and said to the Lord "do you realize how much money we are wasting?" and a VERY clear, VERY strong impression came that it was NOT my money, that ultimately it was his. As I pondered on that very humbling thought I realized how true it was. The scriptures tell us that every good thing comes from Christ. And it does. My life and the blessings there in all bring me to him, closer to him. My trials in life bring me to him. It is all about coming to Christ. Every facet of our lives. What a beautiful thing!! I am grateful that the Lord saw fit to remove this trial from me sooner than I thought it would be. He is merciful. Sometimes like is this instance the trial is a short season, other times the mercy comes in the form of patience, peace or a dear friend who helps you to see the silver lining. I love my Heavenly Father. I love my Savior. I love the journeys and experiences I have had that help me to feel closer to each them and to gain a stronger testimony of the reality of our Savior and his ability to literally heal us and comfort us.

I am going to Bring It...with P90X that is. I am changing my workouts a bit. You have to you know. Your body very quickly adapts to whatever you are doing. So change IS good my friends. We will freeze our gym membership and Ray and I will be getting up in the morning to work out together for the next three months.

So the news you have been waiting for :) Yes we will be getting a car. We found a 1990 Suburban,with 325,000 miles on it. It is a beaut! Hehehe! Gotcha! Before I tell you how it is going to work let me tell you how these past few days have gone. I cried last Friday when I found out we couldn't get the loan. But me being me, amidst tears I picked up the phone and called my Dad. I asked him if he could co-sign. He wanted to think about it, which is totally understandable. Ray's parents told us that we could have their 1997 Monetero which has 270,000 miles on it. They live in Tennessee, so they would drive it out. I couldn't do it. Don't think me picky. But that car was not designed to ALWAYS house eight people. If I had two kids I would drive it in a heart beat. But I have 20. :) Two cars seat take up most the middle seat. My girls would have to open the back and climb over the seats to get in. Okay I sound prideful. Here it is. I know when the Lord is asking me to do the hard things. I can feel it inside. I avoid the feeling at first, whispering to the Lord to give me the strength to follow his will. I wasn't feeling that. I felt cornered though. That somehow I was being prideful because I was refusing the car. I got a bit heated at points in my refusal. My frustration though was that I felt like it was being forced on me. I didn't feel directed by the Lord to do it, so I wasn't going to do it. I must tell you though that I did feel discouraged. I felt so very confused. The Lord has promised has so many things in blessings. I had felt so peaceful when I turned in the rental van. I felt peaceful about the Yukon. I felt peaceful during my sadness when they took the Yukon. So why was nothing working out. My Dad told me he would be unable to help co-sign. My grandma said she couldn't either. Friday night I couldn't sleep. I just felt so sad. What was the Lord's will in all this? Were we just to live with out a car that fit all of us for a season? Around midnight I went down stairs. I like to talk to the picture of the Savior in my living room. I really did want to understand what he saw. But I needed to tell him too how sad I was. I told him I felt alone. I felt confused. I wondered about the blessings promised, about my peaceful feelings. Why would he not want us to have a car? What lessons did he think we needed to learn if that was his will? I told him I didn't think I could do it. I told him I was tired and wanted a break for a minute. I felt like my life has just been one thing after another, and I feared that my life would just be that way. That I would just always have to fight for everything all the time. I wanted to know how you had hope when you couldn't see the end. I have struggled with that before, but I needed more. I needed new light, new knowledge. I was released from calling as Sunday school teacher for the youth 14-15. I joined the adult class for the first time in 3 years. Our former Bishop, Brother Brown was teaching. He was our bishop up until December of last year. The lesson was on the law of Moses. He asked "how do we know when it is time to make a sacrafice?" I raised my hand and shared this: You have to ask God when and what sacrifices he wants you to make. We can not always wait for him to humble us or allows us trials. He wants to see our loyalty. If we want to be like the Savior who offered his own personal sacrifice then you have to do like wise. Offer. Go to the Lord and ask him what you need to give up for a season or permanently to be like him. I shared a personal experience where I went to the Lord and asked him what my wordly interests were, and how the Lord told me my Coach bags were. I knew the Lord wanted me to give them up. It was one of the hardest things for me. I had four bags (2 diaper, 2 handbags) that were only a year old or more. I LOVED those bags. I talked to the Lord about it. What was my wordly interests in the bags. He showed me and it hurt because he was right. I cared that other people noticed my bags. I cared that I had them. I had invested a lot of pride in those bags. I wanted people to look at bags and tell me how cute they were. I would feel good about myself when they did. I never realized I did that until the Lord showed me. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself those feelings. I knew I couldn't sell them because that would be profiting from them, so I asked the Lord who he wanted me to give them too. He told me. One of them was girl that worked in the salon where I got my hair done. I didn't even know her, but the Lord did. So I gave her one of the diaper bags. I gave the other ones out over the next couple months to whom I felt inspired. It was an incredible feeling. It felt good to give them away. It was like I was letting go of something. That experience was what sparked my "journey" leading up to the experiences I had when Ray was gone. It prepared me for more things the Lord would need me to give up. As I shared my thoughts the Spirit bore witness to my heart that it is giving up and going with out that we are better able to become more like our Savior. I knew that what ever the Lord's will would be in regards to our circumstance we would be okay. Brother Brown conitued with the lesson talking about how Moses had to keep his arms up for almost four years. And how he was supported. I thought about Moses. Moses obviously did not know when he would be able to put his arms down. What did he have faith in? What did he have hope in if he didn't know the outcome? The class was ended and we were on to the next block. I consider an answer that Brother Brown gave me when I was counseling with him about Ray and I's situation. I asked if I was just supposed to stop thinking about the money or the car, and his reply was 'yes'. And a light went off in my head. It isn't about things, it is about love. It isn't about wants, it is about gives. We don't pray to get, we pray to give. I have to change my prayers. I keep asking to get. I am not asking the Lord what can I give. My focus is too much on me. I have to get out of my own box. The Lord will bless me if I follow his commandments. So I don't have to keep asking for blessings on the job, or the car or for a clean house, etc. It isn't neccessarily wrong to ask. But how much more can I grow if I stop focusing on what I think I need or want. The Lord knows me personally. He knows my every need, even the ones I am unaware of. I need to know the Lord and his needs. What does he need from me? What opportunities for service am I missing out on because my prayers about me? I want to pray more for other people. I want to just pray better. I bore my testimony of my insights in Relief Society. I wanted to everyone to know that despite feeling down and alone and abandoned by Lord, if you really want to understand he will enlighten your mind and bring comfort and relief to your heart. My Relief Society president came to me afterwards and asked about our situation. She said as she listened to my testimony she remembered this car dealership that does this fresh start program for people who can't get loans. I looked it up when we got home, found it and we applied. They called today and got some more information. We were approved. The way it works is Toyota, the company itself, actually gives us the loan. We just have to buy a new or certified pre-owned car. We are going with the certified pre-owned :) We are looking at the Sequoia, and we go on Thursday to work it all out. Could there be a glitch or hang-up? I am realist so I always leave room for error. But they say we have been pre-approved. So hopefull Thursday I will have a car. I am grateful for what I have learned this weekend. Those emotions aren't my favorite thing to feel. But I know that the Lord was right beside me as I tried to understand things from his view. I can reflect and have no regrets on how I handled it. I was honest with myself and my Savior. I grew, which is what I always want to do. This morning I felt ready to take on this week with limit driving capabilities. I am grateful for the Lord in his mercy though that I won't have to for very long. And if this doesn't work out something will at some point and the Lord will continue to comfort me and to help me grow.

We didn't get the loan. I think I am more confused now then before. They said Ray hasn't been employed full time long enough. So square one. Another one of my favorites. So we have his Tahoe and next Monday we will have his sisters 1990 Honda. We will have two cars to carry our family around in. That should be pretty funny actually. The Tahoe only seats 5. I don't know what to do now. So we wait I guess, for what I don't know. But at least when waiting it is like you are doing something, right?

Lest you think I do not like Tai Pan trading I must qualify yet again. I love that I qualify my statements. I love that I worry that someone has understood me completely. It is important to me. I love Tai Pan. I love Pottery Barn. I love it all. I love how you decorate your house. I love that you know how to decorate. I love that one day you will teach me :)

Just Happy

I am not sure what it is I am happy about. But that is my favorite thing about the gospel of Jesus Christ. The world says "you are happy when ____ is happening" or "you are happy when you have ____", etc. But the Savior says "you can be happy no matter". We made as much money in the past two weeks as we did with our part time job :) YES!!!! (it is a time thing, you know how commissioned jobs are) We still don't know about the car. Either the bank is really slow or I don't' know...we just haven't heard, yes we have called. They just keep saying they haven't heard. Crazy. But that best defines my life. Crazy. I like my crazy. I am getting my tonsils out on May 4th. I am still working on my final exam...it takes a while...for my nutritionist certification. I got a new calling. I decided I don't care if my house is cluttered. I clean it regularly. It doesn't bother me having the toys everywhere and lots of evidence of children. I decided if it bothers you, well then you probably shouldn't come over. I love going to the gym. I love lifting weights. I love eating healthy. I love all that I have learned about how to eat healthy and how to work out. I love that I talk a lot. I love that I am passionate and that if I set my mind to it I will accomplish it. I love that I am passionate about EVERYTHING, including breathing (that is what my husband said). I love that I don't care about laundry and that most weeks I don't fold it, my husband or children do. I love that I leave cabinet doors open. I don't do it on purpose, I am usually too deep in thought to even notice. I just love my life. I love not having money, because when we do it is like a birthday party or Christmas...that is until we pay bills :). I love that my house doesn't look like it fell out of the back of delivery truck from Tai Pan Trading. In fact there is no decorating order. Again something I have realized I don't care about right now. Maybe one day when we have more time and our own home, and money would help. I know why I am so happy. I am happy with me. I am happy with every imperfect part of me and my life. My life, my imperfections don't make me any less, they just make me...ME! I am happy to be ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because I know you have been on the edge of your seat with anticipation I thought I would update you on my ceritifications and work outs.

I am ready to take my final exam for my nutrition certification. It is an incredible feeling being so close to the finish. I love all the I have learned in the process. I look forward to the opportunity to teach others what I have learned and applied in my own life.

I still have a couple of months on the personal training certification.

My work outs are fabulous. I have been working out two hours 4-5 days a week and one hour for 1-2 days a week. Lots of lunges. Lots of squats. Lots of push-ups. Lots of weight lifting. The best part is actually seeing my muscles....when I am getting ready in the morning :)

This has been an incredible journey. I have learned so much and hope to be able one day to help others on their own journey.

My life is forever an adventure.

So we "bought" the Yukon. Or we thought. Ray has been in the process of getting his masters in business. Last year with him going to basic training, things got a little hairy with school loans. We have spent the past year trying to work it all out. We thought he had until the dealership called. The bank could not approve our loan, he was cosigning with me, until we had proof that the student loans were in forbearance or deferment. WHAT!!!! Okay fine! That was Monday last. Friday they came and got the Yukon. CRAZY!! I know! Seriously! With out the loan approval the car was not ours and they couldn't let us continue driving it. Today we finally got the "written" proof that the loans are in deferment. I don't know if we will get the car. I don't know anything. I felt really frustrated, angry and sad at first. As I sat there crying when they came to take the car, I truly was crying out to Heavenly Father. The spirit whispered to my heart that it would be okay.

'Okay', 'all is well', 'it will work out'...I have learned that it doesn't mean you will get what you want. You will get what you need. I WANT a car. I think I NEED a car. But what if not having a car gives us the experience we really NEED?

I am never one to wait for life to happen. So let's get learning. I have pondered on how this opportunity could bless Ray and I. Most of them are personal. Between he and I. Others are more life applicable things you really only learn from experiences like this.

I have felt peaceful and grateful. In the moment that life goes sour. It hurts. A real hurt. You cry. You ache. You are filled with so many emotions. Where your heart turns with those emotions will determine your character. Who do you go to FIRST? At times I have shared with people what I truly say to the Lord. Most often their eyes go huge. I tell the Lord the absolute truth. He knows how I really feel anyway, so why try and come off angelic if I am filled with anger. I have expressed to the Lord at times that I have felt betrayed by him, confused at the blessings promised with what was actually happening in my life. Once I knelt down to tell him I would not be praying for a while because I felt so mad, and that I didn't want to read my scriptures if it wasn't going to work :) Obviously I did ever pray and read again. The Lord knows we are mad. He knows the deepest parts of hearts, the ones we try to hide with our false humility. The Lord didn't ask us to be inhuman, he asked us to pray, even with a broken heart and contrite spirit. I always feel better when I get all the first raw emotions off my chest. So I just lay it out to him. Once I have done that, opened up and been completely 'naked' or honest with him, I can better hear him. He does not want us to 'hide' from him. He wants us to come to him exactly how we are, whether it be angry, broken, or disappointed, even if those feelings regard him. He knows we feel that way because we are human and we can't see the full picture. If we come to him with 'all cards on the table', he can help us organize them. Thus reducing the time we unnecessarily spend in despair.

Last year I was alone a lot with the Lord. He has always been very dear to me. I can truly say though he became my best friend. He was the first I went to for everything. No facebook, no blog, no friends. Yes I had my sister in laws. But I knew one of the lessons the Lord was tyring to teach me was complete reliance on him. He is the first on my mind in the morning and the last before I go to sleep. He is the reason I feel peace no matter. There are no guarantees about this loan thing. But I have not felt any fear. I know that when it is consistent with the Lord's timing for us to have a car, we will have a car.

I know that my Savior loves me. I know that He truly can fill my voids, that he can take my pain, confusion and sadness and help me to see His eternal perspective.