I hit a wall today. I bumped into it yesterday but recovered. I only did 30 minutes of my P90X video. It was plyometric day and I just didn't want to jump. So instead I am on my elliptical. I need to work out but I feel like I am cheating by "only" doing cardio. It is in building muscle that you have permanent weight loss. I like pushing myself. I like the "burn". Today I don't for some reason. I feel emotional. I want to scream at everyone. Luckily I can resort to the stare. You know the look you can shoot at someone that means "Don't mess with we me today". I think I have anxiety about this surgery. I worry that I will have it and that the pain will be too much. I worry that I won't have it and then I won't get my 10lb weight loss I have "secretly" been looking forward too. I have a pre-op appointment on Monday. My throat hurts everyday so I am pretty sure we will just move forward. Why do I care? Because it is me. Remember that passion thing I supposedly love about myself :) Yeah well sometimes it can be a weakness. I don't just do anything. I am 150% invested in every part of my life. I won't do anything if I don't KNOW I can put everything in it. I either clean the whole kitchen really well or I don't touch it. I either do all the laundry or none of it. Isn't that weird? It's okay if you think so. I know I am weird. I always have been. I am not getting down on myself by any means. I am just being honest. I was thinking about my quirks last week and weekend. Have you every met my Aspen? That was me. I could talk to adults. I didn't speak kid language. I was a bit of a nerd in that I preferred reading to socializing. I was and still am a bit of a home body. I like being alone. Some people think that because speaking in public doesn't bother me or that because I am confident that I am an extrovert. Couldn't be more backwards. I LOVE being at home. I LOVE doing my own thing. I am more motivated alone than I am in a group. I don't mind leading a group, but working with in a group is hard for me. Conversation is always a bit awkward for me too. Bet you didn't know that either. I am not good at small talk when I first meet you. It is easier for me to get to the meat and potatoes part of your life, then I know what to talk about. Really I just always like to talk about the meat and potatoes in regards to life. I want to talk about what is really happening. It feels superficial to me to really talk about anything else. I am an all cards on the table person, not only with myself but with everyone. I don't do secrets. I kept those long enough. I will keep your secrets but I don't keep any and I expect the same from you. If you ask me how I am doing I will tell you. If you don't want to know, please don't ask. If I ask you how you are doing please don't give me the mailman answer. I know you want to be "fine" or "good". I am not looking for there to always be the answer that the sky fell. If you are excited about life then say it! If life sucks then please say it. I can take it. I have been there and a few stages below that. We don't have to have a therapy session, I just expect honesty.

I did break my rule last year when Ray was gone. If you have ever had to survive something you can understand. You can't say how you really feel because you can't. People don't want to hear first of all and you know that. I often felt like people who didn't really know me asked not because they cared but because they were curious. I felt like they wanted the sensationalism of a mother pregnant with her 5th home alone for five months. If I knew you cared I told you when you asked. I never call anyone to tell them how sad I am or how hard life is. I feel that is just opening up the airways for Satan and his pals to cast more doubt and misery into my life. I just took that to the Lord. The other reason you can't say is because if you for one second give into that misery the whole dam breaks. When you are going through things that cause you to go into survival mode, you tell yourself how good you are doing. You never admit how hard it is out loud to anyone but the Lord or maybe your spouse/best friend. You keep your eye on the prize. You know what I mean?

So back to being weird. I have often felt guilty for how different I was. I am not a groupy. Never have been. I was a bit of a roamer in school which left me target for those with nothing better to do but to project their own insecurities onto to me. I never had one set of friends. I like every body. I want to be friends with every body. I like what I learn from each person. I prefer not boxing myself in so that I can meet lots of people. I have felt different and awkward because of that. Well no more my friend. Something I realized this weekend is that my quirks are good. And I think my real friends have always known despite my attempts to not be weird, and they have loved me all along my trail of denial. Thank you! I am who I am. And as I learn more about the Savior's love for me I learn to love me more like he does. He has never asked me to be anything other than exactly who I am, while still allowing him to mold me and show me better ways. What a beautiful gift that we have in having a Savior that loves us perfectly imperfect. So I shall continue on in my quirking ways, typing an entire blog entry on my elliptical so as to distract myself from my work out that I really didn't want to do. And looking forward to eating something yummy and probably unhealthny so as to sabotage the whole work out :) The mind is a powerful thing.