My life is forever an adventure.

So we "bought" the Yukon. Or we thought. Ray has been in the process of getting his masters in business. Last year with him going to basic training, things got a little hairy with school loans. We have spent the past year trying to work it all out. We thought he had until the dealership called. The bank could not approve our loan, he was cosigning with me, until we had proof that the student loans were in forbearance or deferment. WHAT!!!! Okay fine! That was Monday last. Friday they came and got the Yukon. CRAZY!! I know! Seriously! With out the loan approval the car was not ours and they couldn't let us continue driving it. Today we finally got the "written" proof that the loans are in deferment. I don't know if we will get the car. I don't know anything. I felt really frustrated, angry and sad at first. As I sat there crying when they came to take the car, I truly was crying out to Heavenly Father. The spirit whispered to my heart that it would be okay.

'Okay', 'all is well', 'it will work out'...I have learned that it doesn't mean you will get what you want. You will get what you need. I WANT a car. I think I NEED a car. But what if not having a car gives us the experience we really NEED?

I am never one to wait for life to happen. So let's get learning. I have pondered on how this opportunity could bless Ray and I. Most of them are personal. Between he and I. Others are more life applicable things you really only learn from experiences like this.

I have felt peaceful and grateful. In the moment that life goes sour. It hurts. A real hurt. You cry. You ache. You are filled with so many emotions. Where your heart turns with those emotions will determine your character. Who do you go to FIRST? At times I have shared with people what I truly say to the Lord. Most often their eyes go huge. I tell the Lord the absolute truth. He knows how I really feel anyway, so why try and come off angelic if I am filled with anger. I have expressed to the Lord at times that I have felt betrayed by him, confused at the blessings promised with what was actually happening in my life. Once I knelt down to tell him I would not be praying for a while because I felt so mad, and that I didn't want to read my scriptures if it wasn't going to work :) Obviously I did ever pray and read again. The Lord knows we are mad. He knows the deepest parts of hearts, the ones we try to hide with our false humility. The Lord didn't ask us to be inhuman, he asked us to pray, even with a broken heart and contrite spirit. I always feel better when I get all the first raw emotions off my chest. So I just lay it out to him. Once I have done that, opened up and been completely 'naked' or honest with him, I can better hear him. He does not want us to 'hide' from him. He wants us to come to him exactly how we are, whether it be angry, broken, or disappointed, even if those feelings regard him. He knows we feel that way because we are human and we can't see the full picture. If we come to him with 'all cards on the table', he can help us organize them. Thus reducing the time we unnecessarily spend in despair.

Last year I was alone a lot with the Lord. He has always been very dear to me. I can truly say though he became my best friend. He was the first I went to for everything. No facebook, no blog, no friends. Yes I had my sister in laws. But I knew one of the lessons the Lord was tyring to teach me was complete reliance on him. He is the first on my mind in the morning and the last before I go to sleep. He is the reason I feel peace no matter. There are no guarantees about this loan thing. But I have not felt any fear. I know that when it is consistent with the Lord's timing for us to have a car, we will have a car.

I know that my Savior loves me. I know that He truly can fill my voids, that he can take my pain, confusion and sadness and help me to see His eternal perspective.