Suicidal ideation. Basically it means your brain entertains the thought of suicide. I was remembering this morning a time when I struggled with that. Years actually. One particular moment I was recalling happened while I was staying with Ray's parents in Tennessee. Looking back I know I was on too many medications. Abilify, Wellbutrin, and I believe two others, one to help me sleep and another to help with anxiety. I don't readily recall the names. I am also very sensitive to medications so the dosage that I was at was way too high.

I remember laying in the bedroom of my sister in laws. I could see the plan perfectly in my head. I knew how I was going to die, how I could take my own life. I lay there paralyzed. I didn't want to get up because I was afraid that if I moved I would begin to take action. I was scared of myself. I laid there and cried and cried, I was aching for someone to help me. I wanted someone to reprogram my brain, to make the craziness go away. Ray's mom did finally come to check on me and all I could muster to say was "I need a blessing".

Sometimes I was asked if I thought I asked for "too many" blessings. Really??? Can there be too many? The Lord was my only ally, my only relief and my only hope. It was during those blessings that I could "see" an end to it all. I knew that if I hung on to him that I would survive my mental hell. I was told the same thing often in my blessings; to read my scriptures, to pray, to love my children, to serve and to have faith. So that is just what I did everyday. My service was too my children. Most of the time my brain was too scrambled to really be able to focus on reading, so I would stare at them and pray, or look for words that gave me hope.

Prayer. Oh I love prayer. I talked to Heavenly Father ALL day. I had too, or I knew I would die. Suicide was a predominate thought. I didn't want too, but my brain wanted too. It was overloaded with medication and too much that happened in one lifetime. It couldn't handle it all. I couldn't handle it. So I prayed.

I didn't know that I would eventually have a healing from the bi-polar disorder. The Lord had told me I would have another miracle, one that would evidence to my family of His hand. I thought that it would mean that I just would one day be able to function despite the darkness. So I hung on to that hope.

I did have suicide attempts, cries for help or attempts to run from the craziness that was my mind. I overdosed. I cut. I remember thinking with every time how I just wanted to sleep, I wanted relief. Some judged me, thinking that I was trying to get attention not understanding where my mind wasn't. Others required more from me emotionally, reminding me of the selfishness of the acts. That was more motivating, because I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I just wanted relief. Their disappointment motivated me. Judgments hindered me.

Many thought I just needed to "buck up", get outside and do something. It wasn't that simple. If you have never truly been depressed then you will never understand the power of the brain in that capacity. I wanted to get up, I wanted to not feel dark and hellish, but it wasn't me that was causing the feelings. It was environmental, situational and physical. It was a result of the things I had been through. I did try everyday, but my tries were not what the world would define as "try". My "try" was to look my children in the eyes and tell them I loved them and that they have a Heavenly Father who loved them. I wrote my testimony in my journal. I prayed.I asked for LOTS of blessings. I clung to my Savior. None of it was tangible, but it was real. My tries got me where I am today. I am grateful to my Savior who stood by me literally during my darkest hour. I believe really he carried me through so much of it. My plea to anyone and everyone is too not let the world tell you how to endure ANYTHING, ask the Lord how to do it. His way is more healing and more permanent. The Lord blessed me with inspired doctors and friends. Pray for discernment to know which of what is said to you is from him, and which is opinion. His way will never makes sense to the world, and you will find much opposition in following him, but you will also find permanent peace and healing. Pray for your friends and family who are suffering from depression or any mental illnesses. Pray to able to love them and to see them through the Lord's eyes. You could be an instrument in their healing.