I feel good. Oh I feel so good. I feel peaceful. I feel happy. The Lord has blessed me with so much.

A couple of months ago I had my "final" healing blessing. Ray was the one who administered. It was beautiful. During the blessing over and over I heard in my mind the words "it is done, it is finished". I felt like I had crossed a finish line. At the completion of the blessing I felt exhausted, and yet freed of something intangible. That healing was a spiritual healing, meaning it literally healed my spirit. My first healing in 2003, removed the scars, the nightmares and ugliness associated with my abuses. I had another healing in 2007 in which the Lord healed me from bi-polar disorder, which I believe was a result of the drastic emotional inconsistencies, manipulations and the sexual and physical abuses I endured. This healing, my most recent, healed the parts of my spirit that had been damaged by a mother who failed me as an infant, child and adult.

I feel the healing. I feel freed from years of feeling like I was in an endurance race. A race against myself. I did not want to repeat any of my childhood with my children. And the only way to do that was to face myself. To not repeat something you have to figure out what part of you is on repeat. You have to face the parts of you that are exactly what you promised yourself you would never be. Changing the past is not easy. I am glad that it wasn't. I don't think I would appreciate where I came from, if it was easy to get where I am.

I get to live now. I don't know that many can really understand what that means. I get to be me, and enjoy the fruits of my labors, and life.

I am not perfect now that I had all my healings. I am, however, no longer dysfunctional . I avoid things. I procrastinate. But I don't hit my children. I don't tell them I hate them, or how worthless they are.

It isn't about being perfect anyway. I think weaknesses can blessings. Another opportunity. With weakness we are reminded of our humanness, of our dependence on God. I am grateful for my weaknesses because they give me something to work on. I think people spend to much time stressing about what the don't do right, or avoiding or trying to hide their imperfections. My weaknesses combined with my strengths make me who I am. And I wouldn't trade me for anything.

So what happens if I never figure out how to stay on top of the laundry? I just never figure out how to stay on top of the laundry. Will my children some how miss something in life with out perfect folded and put away clothes? Will they some how resent me for having to dig through the baskets of laundry or the dryer to find their clothes? I doubt it. I don't think they notice really because I don't beat myself up about it.

One of my favorite questions I ask myself, and my children is "What happens if _____ doesn't happen?" I believe the question was inspired by my fav doctor in Boston when I was dealing with OCD. It is a powerful question. What happens if your dishes don't get done, right now? What happens if you are never able to be an early riser? What happens if there is evidence of children in your home while they are awake? There are somethings that have a legitimate answer. But I believe so much of the negative self talk that haunts women could be alleviated but this simple question.

We can't, and we won't be perfect. Embrace it. Run with it and make the most of it. Find the joy of being human and imperfect.