The phone call came. Yesterday. I knew it would one day. Ray's former commander of his unit called. He is now over another unit in which Ray will be moved to if his promotion goes through. He asked if Ray would be willing to go with them to Iraq next year. If his promotion goes through he would go anyway, and well when the Army asks you to go...you go...promotion or not. Nothing is official until you have orders, but I don't think the Major makes calls like that for fun. It would be a one year deployment. He would leave mid summer.

The thought of him going does not scare me. I know the Lord will protect him. My fear is that no one will help me while he is gone. I got to see the worst of some people when he was gone last year and I don't think I could do that again. The nice thing is that I won't be pregnant, hopefully :) when he leaves so I will be able to help myself more.

I have never felt closer to the Savior than I did last year while he was away. So I KNOW that He will be there for me, and that I will have the opportunity again to witness miracles quite literally everyday.

I am glad that I have a 'head's up'. Knowing this changes our approach to life over the next 9 months or so, as it naturally would. Perspective. Life is always about perspective.

The other night I was hanging out with Arwyn on the couch. I was only partially pay attention to what was on television. I had been watching the news about a fire that caused the evacuation of 1500 homes.

Arwyn was being silly, something out of character for her until recently. She has always been a very calm unemotional baby. She cried when she was hungry or tired or bothered. But until recently she was rarely playful. Maybe she was just taking everything in.

On that night she instigated her own little games and never tried to get off the couch, so I gladly participated in her fun. I heard an announcement made for a give away, something to the effect that it would be your dream life.

I have my dream life. Things have been hard these past two years. Things were hard when I was in therapy. Things were hard as a kid and a teenager. But right now in this very moment I have all that I have ever dreamed of and then some.

I have probably the most perfect husband ever. Really. Not biased :) He stood by my side during a time that he could have been justified in leaving. There were times that the medications the docs put on to help me through therapy would literally make me crazy. He visited me in the psych ward. He encouraged me through all the moments that I was sure were the ending of me. He has loved me REALLY overweight and when I looked almost like a rock star :) He loves me staying at home with our brood. He listens to me, and I talk A LOT. He prays for me in every prayer. He cooks for me and the kids. He does my dishes, and so far he has done them everyday since this pregnancy has made me sick, so let's say June? He loves me. The weird, the quirky, the weaknesses, and the absolute strengths. And I feel that love.

I have five beautiful children. I don't think anyone ever really believed that I would have a big family. I don't think 15 years ago I seemed the motherly type. I have always wanted 80 million kids. I love being at home with them. They draw on my walls. Make ginormous messes at bath time. Whine about not being able to find the smallest toy know to man. They talk loud at dinner and say things like "he's looking at me". They wake up way too early and go to bed way too late. They put clean clothes in the laundry. They stomp their foot almost every time I ask them to do something and act surprised when I say it is time to start school (as if we don't do it everyday). But they have so much love in them. They love each other. They love Ray and I. They love life. I love how excited they get about a grasshopper or a pheasant in our back yard. I love to hear them laugh with each other and at each other. I love that the sky is only the beginning for them. I love that they fear nothing, including me. They see no boundaries only opportunities.

My house is rarely "clean". There is always something on my table, evidence of an invention or the last meal eaten. My school room table and floor are covered with books, crayons, markers, glue, cut up paper, toys, more inventions or creative projects. The laundry is never always finished. It is either in the washer, dryer, on my bed or on some one's floor because they didn't get it quite put away. The bathrooms are....well used by 45,000 people who for some reason think it is necessary to use 8 gallons of soap so as to create plenty of suds that will cover the entire vanity. I wipe my walls...before someone comes over :) but I love the art work that some little 3 year old or 15 month left for me.

I wouldn't trade it though. Not one mess, not one overwhelming chaotic moment, not even the times in the car when all 20 of them are crying or whining for one reason or another. It is all a gift from my Heavenly Father to me. I am a mother and a wife. One day these silly wonderful kids will grow up and leave to go begin their own adventures as an adult. My walls will be clean and my floors will be spotless and I will find new things in life to find joy in. For now though, this is the dream and this is the life I always wanted. No money, no comforts, nothing the world could offer would be better than my life right now.

It is okay to ask questions, to wonder which direction the Lord would have you go. I have been doing that my whole life. But this faith that I am learning about is different. Ray gave me a blesssing in which the Lord told me that right now the only thing he wants me to DO is be patient. There are more times than not that our faith is exercised by our actions. When you pray for a job you actively look for a job. When you pray for good health, you eat healthy and take care of your body with exercise and proper rest. Ray and I have done everything we possibly can. This is now about endurance, about completely letting go and finding complete peace in knowing nothing. He isn't going to tell us when or how.

There is a story from the scriptures that I learn from over and over and over about peace. Remember when the Savior was on the boat asleep and the storm came? The apostles were nervous about the storm and the fact that the One who could stop the storm was sleeping right through it.

The Savior was tired from all that he had been doing, but he was also at complete peace with the storm. He did not fear the raging waters and fierce winds, he was at peace with them.

Have we made peace with our storms? Are we at peace in the thick of it all? Or are we in hurry to calm the waters and the winds?

The body literally craves being comfortable. Think about our behaviors when we are hungry or tired. We often act selfishly trying to satisfy these needs. Our minds are the same. We "need" our finances to be dependable, or to know how things are going to work out. We long to have our emotional ducks in a row.

The Lord is trying to teach Ray and I that ultimately the spirit rules the flesh. Though my desire to be self sufficient is righteous, the eternal lesson I am learning here is more important. The Lord will bless us with a job. Right now he is asking me to overcome the need to know, to have complete faith in something I can not see at all. To calm the natural man in my mind that craves mortal control. My needs have always been met these past two and half years, and the Lord will continue to meet them. I have to learn how to let go completely. No questions, just perfect faith in Him.

I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on my lesson yesterday. I am in the midst of my own trial of faith. I felt distracted as I taught. I felt weighed down with my own questions for the Lord. Questions I ask him daily. My questions are more to try to gain a perspective.

The Lord has promised us that we would have a good paying job, that we would be able to pay for things, even our wants. Right now we don't have that job, and we haven't for quite some time. The money miraculously came through various avenues this month so that I could pay for my car, our credit cards and other bills.

Last week the Lord's hand was made evident in our lives when we met a family that breeds horses. The mother of the family has offered to teach Aspen horseback riding lessons for free for right now.

We have most of our bases covered in regards to paying bills, so I do feel a bit of relief for right now. I feel nervous though for next month. In my life the Lord allows me to go through more than I necessarily would hope for :) I get through it and I even am blessed to learn from it, but the learning is always hard. I have been asking the Lord to help me find the patience to be able to endure this trial. I often try and anticipate things and pre-guess my life. I want to have implicit trust in him, and know with out any doubt that he will provide for my needs. I often right now ask him how he will provide, when will we get a job. It is out of fear that I ask those questions. Fear of having to do something harder than I want to. Fear of being uncomfortable.

One of my worst fears is that Ray will be deployed and that that is how we will be able to support ourselves. I have no fear in his being deployed for safety reasons, I don't want to deliver another baby alone. And I would be sad if he went right after because he would miss that babies first year. Selfish really, I know, but my feelings none the less.

It is a weird feeling, and even a difficult feeling not knowing which way your life will go even in the next week. Financially we can plan for nothing. It is literally week by week. I want to find peace in that. I want to not fear the lack of control I have in my life right now. I want to learn what ever it is he would have me learn.

I closed my blog because I didn't know who was sending me these extremely unnerving anonymous comments. I originally thought it was my brother and then I wasn't sure. He contacted me on facebook after I closed the blog. My family is so very weird. You won't hear from anyone for months, possibly years, and then they just show up in your life and they act as if they have been there all along and that it isn't weird that they are suddenly making contact. AND in this renewal of correspondence they find it necessary to rehearse to you all that is wrong with you and that the reason for the lack of previous correspondence is because of you...or they pretend to be your friend fishing for anything that they can use against you in later conversations or that they can take back to the "others" :) to tell, where they are temporarily rewarded for such behavior. A web of lies and manipulation!!

My whole life I only heard how I was the reason that my family was falling apart. My mom preached that sermon almost daily. I was the reason for every season and I believed it for so long. As I got older though, 14, 15ish I began to realize she was the crazy one. I would tell her so. I fought back. My sister would tell me to just keep my mouth shut and to just go along with it. That isn't how I "roll". The more I acted out, the more abuse I got. I don't remember caring though. I slept with my Book of Mormon and I would lie there day dreaming of the day when I would be free.

My brother's 'beef' in his anonymous comments and in his messages to me on facebook were about how I spoke of my mother on my blog. He feels that I could be kinder. He says "she loves" me. I felt guilty at first. As I prayed about it though I realized the same thing I have had to realize over and over in my life.

She doesn't love me. She can't. She doesn't love herself. I would love to cut my mom some slack. I would love to borrow on the idea that she had a rough childhood and excuse her behavior because of that. EXCEPT that I had a rough childhood TOO!!!! She had the same choices I did. But she chose to run from it, and I chose to face it. I went through however many years of literal hell to overcome my past and to change my future and my children's future. So I am sorry I can not excuse her current behavior.

To my family, specifically my brothers, mother and sister: If you don't like what I write, don't read it. I write exactly how I feel.

I feel very peaceful today. This summer has been hard on me. A learning kind of hard. That is how my life goes though. I have a time where I do good, I feel good, I feel myself moving forward physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then the Lord lets me learn :)

I have found peace with what happened in Tennessee. Not peace like it is all okay. But understanding peace. It wasn't me personally that was "under attack" as I felt. They push themselves to unrealistic standards, and thus project or put on others the same expectations. They feel the need to be a perfect they have defined for themselves, and thus hold others to it as well. I realized that I can chose how often and when and how long I want to be at family get togethers. There are some things like baptisms, weddings, blessings and such that are mandatory. But the length of time in which I have to socialize is not mandatory. I have felt at times wrong because I don't necessarily enjoy being around every one in his family. It isn't wrong. It is my preference. We all have people that are easier for us to be around, and people who we find it difficult to be around for too long. The Lord never said we have to be friends or best buds with everyone. He just said we have to love them and be willing to serve them. I love Ray's family. And I am willing to serve them. I can be kind to them but I don't have to torture myself with a feeling of obligation. My happiness matters too.

I have found peace with the ridiculous accusations made about my personality and character early this summer. They don't really know me, and they probably never will. They saw a side of me that isn't my best when they confronted me. The emotions I showed during my conversations probably did seem dramatic. I can come across very....aggressive...okay mean and hostile :) when I feel attacked...and frankly I will leave no survivors. That is the survivor in me. I have determined though that the next time I will not respond unless I truly feel moved by the spirit. For me to respond on my own I become a fighter, which in and of itself isn't bad, I just don't like the feeling I am left with and nothing is actually accomplished. When I speak I am looking for a person to understand me, and if that person is there to accuse they are most definitely not seeking to understand, so ultimately it is a waist of emotion and oxygen. I know who I am, I do not have to defend that. I know that the Lord will always help me to know what to say, and if I am not moved to say anything then I must trust that nothing should be said.

We did get a 'job' this spring. It however has not brought an income in which we can provide for ourselves. We are still very dependent on the church for assistance. We have always been able to pay our credit card bills and my car payment and have even been blessed to be able to buy Cafe Rio when I 'needed' it :) I have longed this summer to be self sufficient. I want to pay my rent. I want to pay all my bills and buy all my groceries. I don't mind being poor, it is being flat broke that has been hard this summer. I have felt for so long that as soon as the Lord wanted us to have the means necessary to do so that we would. He is paying for our mere existence quite literally. So I determined this summer that there must be more for us to learn. I have prayed and searched and pondered and really have begged him to help me to see what is was that he wanted us to learn. I know that I don't fully recognize yet the whole scope of what we learned and are continuing to learn. For right now I have realized we spend so much time wanting, and begging and pleading for our wants and needs. We tell the Lord, whether subconsciously, verbally or in our minds, what we "need". We pray for a job. We pray for more money, for better health, to be relieved of our trials, to have things work out for our "good". Our happiness is important to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, but even more important is what we learn, spiritually, for the eternities. We often get in such a hurry to be relieved that we miss an opportunity to learn. Learning from the Lord is often emotionally painful and hard. We have to give up our mortal expectations, we have to literally chip away the natural man. We like to hang on to our expectations and our "eyes" because it feels tangible, we feel like we have some kind of control. To have faith or to let go and try to see things through our Savior's eyes is a very scary feeling. It is literally stepping into the dark. It is lonely in there for a bit, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It is in that loneliness that we grow. That is where the natural man is chipped away and we can become closer and more in tune with the spirit.

This summer we came to the end of our credit card living. We used them to keep us from going into the red. I prayed about homeschooling again, about Alora joining a competition dance team, baby Ray starting soccer, Aspen starting horse back riding lessons. I felt like these things were okay to pursue. I prayed more in case I was crazy. I still felt peaceful. So we started. Alora tried out and made a team. Baby Ray has started soccer. We are still waiting for funds to get Aspen in lessons. The money is coming due for Alora's dance. Our credit card bills are starting to add up. I asked the Lord if we needed to start selling things. No. Okay so where is the money going to come from. Ray has given me so many blessings. I have had moments where I felt my heart was going to explode wondering if the Lord would really provide. Would he let us drown? I know that often lessons don't come until things are completely dark. What about my feelings that starting these lessons were the right thing? In the blessings the Lord says the money will come that I will be able to pay for everything. Today money finally came that allowed for me to buy curriculum. Next week I have to pay for Alora's dance and then my car payment, and the credit card bills, and gas, and...well you know how it is. I don't know how everything is going to work out. I can't even fathom it working out, because there is no money to make it work, but the Lord said the money would come. I pray to be patient with His will, to be able to not pull my hair out in an anxiety driven rage because I can't "see". This isn't easy for me, I pray literally all day. I listen to hymn music and turn to my scriptures when doubt begins to creep in. This has been a 2 year 4 month ordeal. I am most definitely looking forward to the relief, because it will come as He promised. I just hope that I have not been in too much of hurry to be able to learn all that I can from this trial.

Today though. Today I have felt peace. I have asked him to take my anxiety, to help me to have more faith. I have asked him to help me let go of what I think I need. I asked him to help me to look through eternal eyes and not mortal eyes. Today I have felt him take it and I feel my soul at ease. Tomorrow he might allow me to hurt again, so today I will be grateful and internalize these moments so as to have the strength to endure whatever it is he might need me to feel so that I might have a better eternal perspective.

I have started three different posts, but I can't get through them. I am distracted right now. I thought that I received personal revelation about something. In fact it was on several different occasions that I felt the same thing with such clarity. Now it isn't looking like my feelings were correct. I am baffled and overwhelmingly confused. I feel sad and insecure. I have been doubting my own ability to get answers to prayers. I have not been able to ask for a blessing because of how sad I feel, and how wrong I feel. I want to resolve this, but I was so hopeful and honestly excited about what I felt that it hurts to be wrong. I have wondered why the Lord didn't tell me in other blessings when the opportunity, I feel like anyway, was there. I guess too, there is part of me that worries that I won't get an answer specifically about this. He doesn't always give me those and really at this moment I don't feel strong enough to not have an answer. I have been here before, not with this particular problem, but being humbled. Honestly I think surgery is easier than being humbled. The Lord would never call it being wrong, but that is what it feels like.