A good day

Last night after I wrote my blog entry I felt exhausted. I felt like I had let this huge boulder off my chest. I actually cried off and on. For no reason particular, maybe it was a letting go cry. As I reread what I wrote this morning, I felt peaceful. Writing has always been a release for me. I have kept a current journal since I was ten. I threw all my journals from that time until I was married away when I was pregnant with Aspen. It was a purging of sorts. I went through my journal box and was rereading what I had written. It was sad. I didn't want my kids to "see" that part of me.

Something interesting about myself I am learning. Actually I think I have always known it but couldn't accept it. I can't be something I am not. For example. I felt guilty this summer b/c so many of the things we did I didn't post about. I was going through some hard things with Raym, and I couldn't pretend that I was happy. I could probably fake it a little better over the phone, but when I am writing, that opens up these truth flood gates that just won't stop. So I am embracing it. And the child screaming at me from her upstairs bedroom.

Today was a good day. I woke up with a "oh my gosh, I just opened my soul to the world" exposed feeling. Ray said what I wrote was intense. I apologize if it was. I felt like I was hiding behind my thoughts. I didn't want to anymore. I was reading this ladies blog who, of course I found through someone else's blog , and she had opened her blog to public. I asked myself why mine was private. It was the vulnerability thing. I was afraid that someone wouldn't like what they read, and that I couldn't live up to "their" expectations of what a blog could be. I felt so strongly to write after those thoughts, to tell and to share. So I did. I let it flow. And it flowed for a while :) But I realized something as I was writing and as my day went on and as I write now. For me to learn about who I am, I can't put any expectations on it. I have to let myself be me, and love every part of it. I think loving every part of myself will help me better love others and all their emotional parts. It will help me to really love them.

So back to the good day. Ray and I have been working out together in the mornings. We take the kids to the park down the street and while they play at the park we work out on the soccer field. We have our own version of boot camp. We run lines a couple of different ways. We do agility drills with and without the soccer ball. We use resistance bands. We do lunges and we do abs. It has been fun, hard, but fun. This morning before our work, we ran for nine minutes together. A consistent nine minutes, HUGE for us :) Then we headed to DI for some shopping. I am not a thrift store gal. I like to walk in, namely Target, get what I want walk out. My kids clothes are pretty basic. I am not a shopper! It took longer than I would have liked, but the girls are happy and baby Ray found a bumblebee shirt he will now wear until it becomes his new skin. Then we headed to grab some groceries, which is yet another humbling experience because it is a courtesy of the church. The first time I was in there I could feel the spirit so strong. I knew the Lord didn't want me to be embarrassed about being in there b/c it was established for one of the vary reasons I was there. We are broke! Luckily we had school this morning before the work out, and the kids took naps in the car while we ran errands.

As I write though I feel so good inside. I don't think every post will be a mile long, but who knows with the way my mind works. I will take it though. I will take my life and have fun with it because it is mine.