my journal entry

I think blogging for me is a way of reaching out. I got spoiled with therapy. Every couple of weeks or so I had the opportunity to pour my heart out. It always felt so good. It is an emotional cleansing for me. I like to share my thoughts. It helps me think better really. I talk through things. I journal everything. It is also easier for me when I feel like I get these things off my chest. I don't feel like I am being honest with myself or anyone else for that matter if all I posted right now was the seemingly happy things of my life. Things are hard right now. But I know the Lord will take this hard time and he will turn it around and my life will be beautiful. In a blessing I got right when Ray lost his job, the Lord said this would be our darkest hour. The Lord's hour tends be a little longer than ours, but I know that if I endure this time well and learn the things the Lord would have me learn I will know a happiness and a peace that I can't even begin to imagine. The Lord will and has always taken care of me.



Yesterday we sold the TV. It was a bittersweet feeling. We have some money now, which of course is actually spoken for b/c we have to pay for Raym’s truck to be fixed and for new tires, and for the van to get new brakes and an oil change. Going through this trial is an incredibly huge learning curve for me. I am realizing my vulnerabilities, my pridefulness and a couple of weaknesses :) I wish I had a mom. I know have a mom, but she is more of a birth mother than a real mother. She doesn’t call me. She would say well you don’t call me. True. Why would I want to call someone who I have never felt connected too, who doesn’t actually know me or really care too for that matter. It interesting though what my lack of relationship with mother does for me in regards to my relationship with my own children. I don’t want to push my children away. I want to be humble enough to learn from them. To be vulnerable enough to let them hold me sometimes. And allow them the freedom to love me even on days I am not so fond of myself.
I feel like I am finally getting the husband I always knew I had. Ray and I have had rough start in every way it seems like. But we are praying together. We talk. Really talk. Raym is being 120,000% honest with. I am sad about the things that he wasn’t honest about which brought us to this point we are at. But he has been willing to be humbled. He is trying. And I see the trying. The Lord did as he said he would do in those moments when he would “warn” of what was coming for Raym. We are losing everything. But the “everything” we are losing is only temporal. We haven’t lost each other. We haven’t lost the gospel. I have such a burning in my soul. If I had to live with out all these things for the rest of my mortal life so that my husband and I could continue to grow spiritually, and so that we could always truly have an “eye single to the glory of God”, I would do it. I know one desire that has always been mine is that I never wanted to be distracted from my purposes and goals here in this earth life. I truly want to build my treasures in heaven. I am ok with struggles. I am ok with being humbled. It isn’t necessarily always easy, but the things you learn. The insights, the blessings, the peace and the love of my heavenly Father always out weigh the momentary sadness I feel during a trial. I want to live with my Heavenly Father again. I want to be worthy to stand in the presence of my Savior and I really will do whatever it takes here in this earth life to do that.