I have felt weighed down since my encounter with my mother. So many thoughts I have been running through my mind.

When speaking of my mother to others in these past few years I have often explained away her behavior. I didn't want someone to think ill of her. But in doing that I have done a disservice to myself. With my explanations I had mistakenly hoped that she saw it all the same way. I had hoped that with each passing day that she too longed for me. That experience last weekend crushed me. I have not cried that hard in a very long time. I have cried a lot actually this past week. As I prayed more the reality sank in even deeper. She is making and has constantly made a very conscience decision to not love me. Before you come to her defense. Love is an action. When we love we do. Thus the Lord's counsel "If ye love me keep my commandments". When we love we act. My mother does not love me. She cared for me by providing clothing, shelter, and food (debatable). Those things require no emotion. No attachment.

She had to work at not being attached to me, she had to push me away. I know these things because the Lord has revealed them to me. The Lord loves my mother and that has always been very clear to me. But her actions are real for whatever reason they have transpired. And they have negatively impacted my life. In revealing to me my mother in her truest form if you will, I do not believe the Lord is condemning her. I believe he is trying to help me understand my life a bit better. The Lord is very honest but with that honesty comes love. He knows that my mother was abusive, manipulative and at times hateful but he still loves her and I know he expects the same from me.

I will love her, I do love her. And not a pitiful love. I love her as a daughter of God. I will never understand her decisions, I will never understand her. But I can walk away knowing, I did forgive her, I tried to love her right here, right now. My sister, my brothers, my mom are not emotionally healthy. I think for years I have longed to help them. Maybe that is where my mom has felt threatened. I have learned things I long to share with them. But the time is not now.

So now I move on. The Lord has promised me another healing. The journey's are never simple or easy, but they are always worth it. I KNOW he has a plan for me. I know that if I am willing to put the "hours" the Lord will come through for me. How do you move forward? Prayer and scripture study. The standard answers really. As I have prayed this week I have realized all the ways I have been holding back in life awaiting my mothers approval. I struggle with guilt a lot. I know will all do in our own way. For me my guilt is about me. Am I pretty? Do you like my kids? Am I doing a good job at being me? I also struggle with autonomy. Who am I with out my mothers approval? Who am I with out a mother, sister or brothers? Who am I period?

My mom was controlling. Upon entering high school I wasn't allowed to do athletics. ??? Ask my mom. I have never understood that one. But my junior year when my sister joined the cross country team it was suddenly okay for me to join as well. It was weird the things she let me do and the things she didn't. I found myself not necessarily having any direction in regards to making choices in things that would help me define myself. I was just so desperate to do something that I just kept asking until she said yes. The damage in that is I spent those vital years as a teenager trying to figure her out instead of me. Friends? Most of them feared her which I think she liked. It wasn't until my senior that I was finally allowed out a bit. Dating was just weird. I would go out and return home on time mind you, to a locked up house with no lights. WEIRD!!! Yes it did scare guys away. Especially because she would come to the door half asleep and yelling at me about how late it was. I was scared everyday. I hated waking up in the morning because I knew as soon as she saw me my day would be awful. Don't do this. Why are you doing that? Go here. Go there. You don't need that. Stop that. Andraé why are you so...? It really was hell every day. You didn't eat, shower, go to bed, get dressed, yawn, go outside, or breathe with out her absolute approval. One of her favorite things to do was to get right in your face grab you by the jaw, grit her teeth which caused her to spit on you, but don't you dare move because of it, and verbally annihilate you. She could cut like a knife verbally. It felt at times that she got pleasure in reminding you of how unworthy you were. If looks left bruises then I would have been covered everyday. When we were in public she was less inclined to show her true colors, so she used looks. And you knew what each look meant, and there were some looks that you feared for your life quite literally when you returned home, really hoping that she would forget by the time you go there. I know all mom's have looks but she gave looks for mere existence, if she didn't like what you said, ate, or who you sat by, running away seemed a good option. Her physical abuse was hidden. She never left bruises, except on my bottom. But she pinched, slapped and would squeeze the life out of your limbs and drag you around and shake you to yell at you. Why tell you this? Because it is a release. I am not just writing all this I am feeling it. I have told these stories a thousand times but I have never FELT them. I have always been disassociated in my heart from the story, that way it didn't hurt. But not allowing it to hurt has only protected her and postponed my healing. My mother was manipulative, spiteful, vindictive, and a liar. I might not have worn the same pair of underwear for 5 years like she says she did as a child, but she treated me no different than her mother treated her. I would have rather worn old undies and had her love than to have the pretty dresses and know everyday that she didn't even like me.

I have been praying to be able to let go. I have been praying to see who I am. Don't get me wrong. I know I am a daughter of God. I know that he loves me. But who am I? So many of the decisions I have made in life I made not solely for me but because deep inside I was hoping to get approval. I think that is what has driven me to pray about everything. My fear of making the wrong choice. And this unhealthy desire to perfect myself. I say unhealthy because at the root of it is that approval thing again. That if I am perfect then I am lovable. But we weren't meant to be perfect here. We are supposed to have weaknesses because they strengthen us.

If you asked me what would be my one desire at this point I would say a hug, a warm deep approving hug. A hug that says you are wanted, you are special and I am glad that you are mine. A mommy hug.

I know the Lord will compensate, heal me and fill that void.