Who I am

Do you know who I am? I was hoping someone could tell me? Really though this is something that has weighed on my mind heavily these past few months. No one will ever know what I have been through, and I don't think that is really all that important. But sometimes it is lonely. My whole life I have felt alone. When I was so very young I knew that the things that were happening to me weren't right. My whole childhood I knew most of it was not right. I knew that there was a better way. I know that the Lord gave me the gift of perseverance, of hope and of faith. He gave me a strong unwavering testimony very young. And so I did it. I persevered. I made it. I have been healed from the those awful scars. He has removed the mental illnesses that kept me from being able to me completely. And now here I am all alone with me. Surviving, pushing, trying, changing, reaching, hoping; it is was marathon. An emotional marathon. You can't stop to take a breather. You have to dig past the part that is screaming at you to quit already. You can't look back because you may trip or fall. And you can't look down either to see where you are because you could lose your balance. You have to push on.

Last January I decided I wanted to run half marathon. I started jogging. I got shin splints. I rested and started again. But the shin splints came back, worse this time. I felt frustrated. I prayed and asked to know what to do. I really wanted to race. I wanted to run. Not to long after we went to see a documentary on marathoning. As I sat and watched I was overcome with the spirit. I felt the Lord gently whisper to me, "You have already run your marathon. You actually ran two." I cried. I knew what the Lord was talking about. My healings. Going through life prior to each of them was very much like a marathon. I then felt the Lord say "you have crossed your finish line. It is time to stop running." The tears flowed. I have been "running" my whole life. I didn't know how to not "run". I knew the Lord was asking me to live. To live right now. This wave of relief and panic came over me. Relief because I felt validated. Panic because I had no idea how to live.

I started praying about my feelings that night. The insights that have come have been incredible. The Lord asked me to give up a lot though. He asked me to forgo my idealistic thoughts of how my house should look, what kind of schedule I should keep, to let go of temporal perfection. He has asked me to think about my children and my husband more, and not just think about them but internalize them, to connect to them spirit to spirit. In May Ray lost his job and for a time I was distracted with once again surviving.

When I go for my walks I pray. Sometimes I am not paying attention and I start talking out loud. During the month of June my prayers were about Raym and the things he (and I) were going through. How do I support him? How do I love him? Help me to know how to handle all of this. The Lord told me I had a monumental choice. He said I had two choices actually. I could be bitter. I could be prideful. I could continue down my road of survival. Or I could chose a higher road. I could change with Ray. Not only could I forgive him, support him and love him, but I could look with in myself and find those things that were prideful inside of me and overcome them. Somewhere along my journey in life I made a decision that I did not ever want to be a reason that another person was held back, primarily my immediate family. I did want to be a stumbling block for another. I told the Lord I would do it. I wanted to know what I needed to change.

I warn you that if you want the Lord to tell you what you are prideful about, be prepared. It is a hard thing when the Lord allows you to see yourself. But it is also a beautiful experience.

I am selfish. Not the the blatant annoying selfish, but the subtle probably undetectable selfish. I actually didn't realize it until one night praying and the Lord brought a situation so clearly to my mind. I was shocked. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. But even with those sad emotions I knew that the Lord could help me change. He could help take the ME out my life. I think a hard lesson in life to learn is that we aren't as 'important' as we think we are. Divine, yes. If you have ever had a "nothingness" experience, I think you will understand what I am saying. It isn't us that is important, it is our actions, our desires and our thoughts. It is what we do with ourselves that is so important. So often in my scripture study I am brought to verses about forgetting oneself and serving others, or losing oneself to find oneself. I want my day to be less about what I am getting done, and more about what I am doing for others. I want my motivations to be selfless. When I think of folding laundry in the light that I am doing it for my family so that they can have clean clothes etc, I actually enjoy it more. When I approach meal time with the thought of the empty stomachs I am about to feed there is a satisfaction and a calm motivation that follows. I have to remember to forget myself. I have to work at considering the thoughts or concerns of my husband and children, but I am loving it. It is definitely having a beautiful domino affect on our lives.

I am guarded. Ray's sister Abbi got married a week or so ago. There was this happiness there I could not relate too. Abbi is the poster girl for innocence, which is not a bad thing. Innocence I never knew. There were some conversations that I was not excluded from but I felt emotionaly lost from. I knew about sex before I was five. I was the victim of child pornography, and sexual abuse. No one at school told me anything I didn't know. So that giddiness and nervous about what to do that first night. The worries, or the excitement of living with someone. It was all so unfamiliar. I have been healed from the scars, the darkness, all the awful things that comes from abuse. But the healing didn't give me innocence. I longed for it. I sat in a room and wept to my Heavenly Father. Didn't he know I would have lived differently if I knew then what I know now? As I wept I felt his arms around me. He told me that before I came here to this earth, that I knowingly gave that up. That I had 'sacrificed' that knowing the Lord would compensate. But he also told me that I could ever feel innocent again. I pondered on that for some time. When I had the courage to breech the subject again, the Lord asked me to change something I wasn't even aware I was doing. I rely on the Lord, but I leave no room for anyone else. I have a great wall of China around my heart. I love. I love my husband. I love my children. But I realized in that moment I don't let anyone love me. If you ever have been hurt you know this great wall I am speaking of. The Lord asked me to take it down, all of it and to trust again. In that same moment I asked him who would catch me? what if someone hurt me again? what if they don't keep their promises? I can't tell you the exposure, the vulnerability I felt in that moment. I didn't know if I could handle really trusting again. Giving my emotions away only to have them returned used and damaged. I cried that night. I cried all day the next day. My Bishop stopped by that evening. I had talked to him earlier that day, and he said he already knew that he needed to talk to me. I shared with him my thoughts and what the Lord had told me. In those moments we talked I KNEW he was inspired. I know the counsel I received from him was from the Lord. I know that the Lord knows this is hard for me, but I know why he needs me to do it. In my quest to become more vulnerable, and to trust is where I will find my long sought after innocence. This softness I have wanted. As my bishop put it, as I become more vulnerable I can tare away those pieces of me that became crusty and weathered from surviving. I don't want to be rough around the edges, or rough anywhere. I want to be soft. I want to be gentle. Yes I will be hurt again. But never again as before. Life is painful but for me it will never again be excruciating.

I don't know who I am. Really. For so long my "marathon's" defined me. I was a survivor. The Lord has told me to leave that identity behind. He has asked me; what are my dreams? where do I want to go in life? what do I want my legacy to be? I am trying to figure that out. Now don't get me wrong. My favorite color is green. My fav flower is a daisy, and my FAVORITE place is TEXAS!!! But outside of the IM profile I am not sure. I look forward to no longer surviving. It is scary to let go of a wall that protects me, or so I think it does at least :) But I know that if I trust in the Lord and do what he asks, no matter the emotional/spiritual pain, and give up the things he has asked, he can make something of my life that is beyond my dreams.

I love life. I love what the Lord has made of my life so far. I don't think many from childhood or teenage years, well or my early adult years, would recognize me now. I know the Lord as always been mindful of me and he will continue to be. I know that in order to grow, my soil has to be tilled. There are so many weeds that need to be pulled, and some bad roots that need to be removed. I will grow stronger though. I will be fuller and richer. My colors will be brighter. I love this gospel. I love that we have to work at life. I love that all trials are opportunity. I love that Lord humbles us to improve us.

I know my Savior lives. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that all my prayers are heard and answered. I know that I can go to the Lord about EVERYTHING. I know that there is power and strength gained from daily scripture study. I know in my life there is a purpose.