In my pursuit to overcome a childhood filled with abuse, neglect and dysfunction and find myself the Lord has blessed me to find so much more. All my life I just wanted answers. "Why" was the prominent question for so long. I wanted to know why did my mother not love me? Why did anything happen that happened? Why did I feel all the ways I did?

I remember leaving my home on June 26th 1995. I remember years of envisioning myself walking away from it all, of being free from the heavy dark emotions I was surrounded by everyday. I day dreamed of living a better life than I was then forced to face. I wanted out but I didn't really know how to do it.

These past 15 years have been eventful, hard, treacherous, lonely, and hellish at times, but the Lord has been by my side through it all. I am sure so many that met me along my path had an unfavorable opinion about me or maybe wouldn't believe who I am today, but what they and so many didn't know was that the Lord was my dearest friend. I made some crazy choices and often went against the grain of society, but the Lord was there all along. He knew where He was taking me and He was perfectly patient with all my choices knowing ultimately knowing where I would end up.

The past couple of years have been the culmination of all these years. The Lord has tested my faith and loyalty, and he has blessed me with answers to all my questions. I have felt over this past month the literal closing of a book on my life. I have made peace with my childhood. It was awful, but there are things I have learned that I would not otherwise understand. I can quite literally say it is finished. I am done. There is nothing left to answer or to work out. From here I just live. This blog has been my way of 'talking' out my life, but there is nothing left to talk out. I feel it necessary to 'end' this blog and begin a new one next year with a very different purpose. I look forward to the beginning of something new. I look forward to living.

The other night I felt overwhelmed and discouraged with all that I wanted to accomplish but would be unable to, and with a home that I felt to be in more disarray than I felt I could mentally handle. I prayed as I was standing for a moment in my kitchen. I wanted to be patient and to see things through my Heavenly Father's eyes. I wanted to be patient with my current condition and limitations and to not be in too much of hurry to get to my comfortable place. The thought came to me that if I could just hang on help was coming. As I continued in prayer my feeling was things were going to be heading in a new direction very soon. That next night is when we received our secret Santa gift. The next morning my mother-in-law came over to help clean. She had just arrived in town for my brother and sister-in-law down in Provo who just had a baby last night. Originally she was not going to be able to come and help because she would be needed down there. But the baby didn't come until late last night enabling her to come up here and help me. It is a huge blessing for me. It is a testimony to me that the Lord does love us and he will provide if we have faith. I found a house for us to move to. There are some things to iron out of course, but everything feels right, I feel peaceful about it all. I feel hopeful. I am excited to move. I am very much looking forward to feeling like myself again very soon. I know the Lord is going to take care of us. I haven't felt this hopeful in a while. It feels good.

I am humbled. So very humbled. Tonight this cute family that I don't know shows up with a box. The woman announces they are Santa's helpers for a family who wants us to know we are loved. I was speechless. I am still in shock. I don't know anyone outside of my ward up here in Davis County. Okay two people, maybe three. I guess the part that is so humbling is that someone knows we exist. One can know some one's name with out really knowing they exist, does that makes sense? Someone knew that I have five children, and they know their names. The individual nature of the kids gifts, addressed for each one of them personally, means more than I think this person may ever know. This gift is personal, and it is thoughtful. I want to thank them personally. I want to hug them and tell them how much this means to me. To be remembered in time when I feel forgotten and unnoticed, while my husband, my best friend is away and during a season that is about love and giving will have an impact on me forever. I know this isn't about me, but to remember my family and to love them in such a way impacts me personally and I am deeply grateful.

I didn't write my previous posts hoping to secure any friendships, sympathies, or services. I wrote it because I think we have become a selfish, entitled and judgmental people. We have some how come to believe that because of our individual situations of having to do with out certain things that we are superior in some way. Not all are this way, but many are. There are those that think because they have had survived some things on their own, or because they got through something with out any help that that is how others should endure it. Women have found solace in criticizing each other through what is referred to as venting. There are comparisons laid out, and why one is superior to another, why one deserves what is happening, and how it is known better by others how to live another's life. What so many fail to realize is we ultimately did not survive anything "on our own". In the moments we feel to be so alone and moving forward with no assistance here in this mortal life is actually when the Savior carries us the most. Our circumstances vary in so many ways. Our emotions and how we internalize our lives and what happens to us is personal and very different. We have no right to so harshly judge and criticize others. It does not matter if we think some one's needs are justified or not. We have been reminded in our scriptures that we all are "beggars". (Mosiah 4:19) If the adversary can ease his way into our thoughts of one another, especially the women of the church, and create with in us jealousies, and malice, then one by one he can tear us apart. We will not all understand each other, and there will be many moments of frustration and misunderstandings with in our wards and stakes. Only the Lord can help us reconcile those differences of opinions.

I have been praying to know how to tactfully write about something I am faced with. I have it completely written candidly in my mind, but sometimes candid can be misunderstood.

When Ray was gone to basic training 18 months I had been told by the Lord to essentially end all social contact. I quit facebook, I closed my blog and I didn't answer phone calls from friends, I didn't respond in any way. I came to understand that the Lord wanted me to learn how to ultimately rely on him. It was very hard at first to not vent, or communicate within my normal social realms. With time though I found that he could better fill my voids. He could bless me with perspective and give me the strength to endure it all.

I had to rely essentially on people I didn't know that well for those 5 months he was gone. I did have contact with my sister-in-law Stephanie, my mother-in-law, the bishop and the relief society president.

For whatever reason, my health was not always the best while Ray was away. I ended up in the hospital every other week for various reasons. I have what is called ligamous laxity, which means that I have REALLY lose ligaments, and when I am pregnant they become like spaghetti noodles. Further along in pregnancy my joints actually grind together in my hip and back areas because the cartilage and ligaments become so thin. It is actually quite painful but once I have the baby it is reversed and my ligaments return to lose instead of transparent. I also experienced gall bladder problems which would cause uncontrollable vomiting and excruciating pain.

I was told by an individual that I should call if I ever had a need. The first two "needs" were outside jobs that were taken care of by the elder's quorum. When I asked for help doing a few tasks with in my home that required the bending and movement that was too painful for me I was told I was ungrateful. This person told me they wished they could ask for the same help, but she instead employed her children and just excepted what was. She told me I had not in anyway shown my appreciation for the help that had already been rendered, and that people in the ward were beginning to feel that I was taking advantage of them. I was immediately moved to tears. This woman's mother lives 5 minutes away. She has a husband who comes home to her everyday. She is saturated with family very close by. And the thank you....I didn't realize that services were dependent on the quality of my thank you. I was six months pregnant with my fifth. My kids unbeknowst to her were already doing more chores to help out because of my limitations. My husband was not just gone, but I only spoke with him about 5 to 10 minutes once a week, the rest of our communication happened in letters. My mother is not a part of my life. My sister in law has five kids and lives 45 minutes away. And even if I was in contact with my friends, the closest friend lives 90 minutes away. None of that was what mattered to me though. This woman obviously had a problem with me and I didn't even really know her. She was put in a position of trust and leadership, she was someone I was supposed to find refuge in, and instead I found insult and disdain. She hated me and I felt it the entire time my husband was gone.

One night I called out of desperation someone other than the bishop because he already helped so much, because I had been vomiting all day and was now throwing up blood clots and I really needed to get to the hospital. I was told that they could not help because they had hairs cuts they had to do that evening.

I didn't send out any thank you cards for any help that was given to me while he was away. Honestly I never thought about it. I had told them to their faces how much I appreciated their help. And really I was going through something so hard that I felt like I was doing good to be functioning. When I reflect on that time my heart aches. I was judged. Some of the judgments were told to my face, others I could just feel. Over and over I was told "call if you need anything" and I would and then I was told why the need could not be met, or how the person felt I could actually take care of it on my own, or how they just live with out the need being met, or a suggestion as to calling my sister-in-law. I felt like know one took a minute to try to see life through my eyes, instead I was told what to see.

Then this year, new leadership but same old same old.

So here I am. I am 31 weeks pregnant. My husband is once again gone. Stephanie is actually even more tied up than before because her sister's, Rachel, baby has leukemia at six months old and so she helps out with Rachel's three older girls. These past couple of days my blood pressure has been elevated and today is was high. I had toxemia with Aspen, and so I could very easily get it again. On my way to the doctors today I cried the whole way. I didn't want it to be so high that they sent me to the hospital. When I go to the doc I leave some home and take some with me, so as to not inconvenience anyone. I have a fear, a deep and overwhelming fear of having to ask for any help. I don't think I could handle another 'rejection' in regards to my needs. Maybe people have an opinion about my needs. Maybe they think they could be avoided, or I 'should' do this or I 'should' do that. But the last time I checked every Sunday we make covenant to take upon us the name of our Savior, and I KNOW he is not judging me.

I have been praying all day that the Lord would stay any hike in my blood pressure until Ray returns next Saturday. Over and over today I heard the words of one who has been called to lead, that I have been the most needy out of every one in this ward and that I have exhausted those resources. If 12 hours of service after my tonsillectomy exhausted resources I can't even imagine what me being hospitalized for toxemia or high blood pressure would do.

I don't need hand outs. I don't want pity either. But just a little sincere Christ-like love and service and concern would go along way. I am not so narcissistic as to think they everyone should drop their lives for me. I just ask to be loved and cared for in the same manner that anyone would want to be. In the end our opinions won't matter. The Lord is never going to ask you what you though about so and so and all those dinners you brought. He is just going to allow you the chance to see where your heart was at each and every time you served. Service isn't about agreement or liking or approving of the services being rendered is about our heart and what direction it is ultimately facing.

When your husband, your best friend is gone there is a hole in your life. Well at least in mine. My husband and I 'talk' all day, whether through emails or texts or on the phone. This training has felt like when he was at basic because there has been minimal contact. The other night I was talking with Heavenly Father and I asked him just how exactly do I endure the loneliness of not having my best friend with me all the time? Not just now but over the next year and a half. I asked to be able to see things through his eyes.

The thought that came to me was that I was approaching the situation as if he was gone gone, out of reach, almost like a break up. The Lord showed me that I though we would be miles apart we could still feel very much a part of each others life. I can't really describe how I saw it in my mind, but it was comforting to realize that though we would be a part this is our life together. These kids are OUR kids, this is OUR home, and OUR life.

The loneliness is just inevitable to a certain extent. I learned a lot when he was gone to basic about enduring loneliness. There is no amount of television, or phone conversations, or shopping, or eating, or any worldly distract to really mend the heart when it is lonely. Only God himself can do that. I know that if I lose myself in my children and other people that the Lord can bless me. I notice it even now when misery is begging for its own attention. I have to purposely look at my children and pray to see them through the Lord's eyes and look at what they are really in need of. Loneliness, misery and their friends offer incredible rationals about why you are entitled to meet your needs first. But if you reflect and look deep into your heart, your needs are better met when you meet another's first. Service offers eternal perspective and true clarity into your life.

It is a very weird feeling to be discussing with my children my husband's future absence next year. The Lord is giving us an opportunity to prepare over the next seven to eight months. Each month Ray will gone for a period time either two weeks or the whole month. When he left for a training a few days ago I cried for the first day or so. Not so much because I miss him, because oh I do, but because I can't imagine a whole year with him gone a million miles away.

And just to get this off my chest, to any weird crazies who may stumble upon my blog. Before you get any jazzy ideas about seeking out a woman alone with her children, please understand something. I shoot on sight, no questions asked, and the best part I shoot to kill. I have been a victim before and never again. So come if you must, but you will leave my house in body bag :)

Now that I have that taken care of.

The first night he was gone last week I lay in bed just bawling. I asked the Lord why? Why take my husband so much and then for so long. My heart filled with the spirit and I knew in my heart at that moment it wasn't about me, it was about Ray. This is for his future. I recognized too in that moment that though we are married, we each have our personal missions here on this earth. It is our obligation and opportunity to stand by one another during our personal and united endeavors. The Lord has a plan for my husband and our family. I have faith in that and I will trust in the Lord and let him lead our family.

Trusting the Lord is an interesting matter. I don't know how things are going to work out. I can't imagine a year with out the love of my life. At some point next year I will need to move, and we still don't know where we will be moving. And there aren't many windows of opportunity for moving with as much as he is coming and going and still working a civilian job. I will have a baby sometime at the first of the year, and he will be gone all but two weeks of the first three months of the baby's life. I don't feel scared though. I don't feel panicked or worried. When the Lord requires hard things of us he blesses us through our faith and obedience to be able to endure it. I don't think this will all be easy, but I have an opportunity to witness his hand daily in my life. Though there will be days that hard, he will compensate me 100 fold on other days. He always has. The Lord, my Savior has never failed me. He has been my one true constant in life. I know that I can count on him, and that is enough for me.

This time last week I was not ready for this adventure. I have determined that you can't ever be ready for something like this. I can however prepare everyday for the next day. I can let go and trust in the Lord, and trust that he has a plan and a purpose for my life and my family's life. I know he will stand by me and at times even carry me over this next year and a half.

I feel happy today. I feel hopeful. I think I could even say I feel excited about life. I know these feelings are a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I am going to need more of this in the months and even weeks to come.

Ray will be gone two to three weeks of every month until he leaves next July starting next month. He has been my greatest strength and stability during this pregnancy. He will only be gone for 12 days in December but at 8 months prego 12 days can feel like 12 months. The Lord has promised me help and I believe him.

That help may or may not be in the form of a person. He could provide me yet another miracle in my life where I have the energy and ability necessary to care for my children during that time. Or he could bless my children to be able to better help me and bless our lives that the time goes quickly and we don't feel the burden of having Ray gone. How the help comes does not matter to me I just look forward to once again seeing the hand of the Lord in my life.

I feel peaceful about Ray being gone so much. The Lord has said in one of my blessings that these trainings and Ray's deployment are the means to our relief from this financial distress. I have to trust that. Although it is hard for me to see exactly how all this will work together for our good I know that the Lord does not lie. He blessed me and carried me while Ray was gone last year, and I grew spiritually. I know the same can happen again this time. He will bless me and I will learn incredible wonderful things.

I don't think it will all be a cake walk and I know that there will be lots of moments where my heart will ache and I will long for comfort and relief from it all and to have my husband with me more. I also know though that it is in those moments when I will feel my Savior's love more strongly than any others. I know that it is in those moments when my testimony is refined and I grow.

I am not afraid of what is ahead because I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior will be there with me every step of the way. I am not afraid of what I don't know about when my baby will come, or where or when we will move because I know that the Lord already knows and when it is time I will know too. I am not afraid to hurt because in hurting I grow closer to my Heavenly Father because he is who I can turn to. I am not afraid of anything hard this mortal life might present to me because Jesus is the Christ and in Him I find my peace.

A year ago on November 12th my husband lay asleep and I was just dozing off. The next day he would be assisting his grandfather in shooting the cows to be butchered. I was to meet a friend for lunch at her house with my kids.

I don't remember falling asleep necessarily but I do remember seeing in my mind my minivan rolling over and over with my children and I in it on the freeway. I sat up in bed. I didn't feel scared. My thoughts turned towards my heavenly Father. I felt impressed to write a note to Ray, a good bye note. So I did. I cried but I felt so peaceful. I told him how much I loved him and why I loved him. I told him if I died what I wanted done with the kids and such. I told him that if he was reading it that it was because I died in a car crash the next day in which the van flipped. I went to sleep promptly after.

I don't remember dwelling on it. In fact I slept fine. When I awoke the next morning to nurse Arwyn I was overcome with emotion. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be a mother and a wife. Ray had already left. I sat there with my baby sobbing. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want to miss any of her life or my other children. I prayed. I read my scriptures and I talked openly with God. I told him if I had a choice then I wanted to live. I told him that I had not yet born my testimony sufficiently like I wanted to and that I wasn't done being a mother. I told him that I wanted to be the one to raise my children and teach them the gospel and the things of life. At one point that morning I concluded to not go, almost in that instant I heard a 'voice' in my mind declare " Do Not interfere with the will of the Lord". It was strong and undeniable. I would never and will never go against the Lord, so I continued to prepare to leave and prayed mightily.

I cried as I helped each of my children get ready. With each one I pleaded more fervently for the Lord to allow me to stay with them.

We got in the van and headed off. I turned on my "Greater Than Us All" cd and kept praying. I prayed with a sense of urgency those first 30 minutes of the trip, it was to be an hour long drive. I remember feeling like I had done all that I could. I had shared with the Lord my honest desires of wanting to stay with my children, and of wanting to continue to share my testimony, now I had to let go and trust him.

In that moment that I had "let go" I remember seeing this red car following too closely to another and thinking it a waist of time. 'Just go around them' was my thought. That 'red car' would later be the car that would hit me. I was on the free way and in the fast lane next to the HOV.

A bit further down the freeway I looked in my mirror to see if anyone was in the HOV. All clear. I signal and move to that lane. I glanced up at the mirror and see this car moving quickly so I tap my brakes to signal I am not going as fast. The car instead sped up and in that instant I knew he was going to hit us.

I swerved into the other lane to try to avoid being hit and braced for impact. It all happened in what felt like slow motion. He rammed the van on the left rear side. All the windows in the back and sides blew out upon impact. I felt the van rock side to side as my hands clung to the steering wheel. My children were screaming and crying.

After making contact he continued forward at the same speed right past me. I remember turning my head and seeing his face as he looked coldly forward as if nothing even happened.

I don't remember driving to the side of the road. I don't remember even getting out of my van. I just remember feeling so numb. Immediately my mind began rehearsing the accident. We were supposed to flip. I felt it. I knew it was coming, I braced for it but we never did.

I stood there crying as people were asking me questions that I couldn't hear because my head was spinning. I am not dead. My kids aren't dead. But why did that man just hit me? He hit me on purpose. He hit me like he didn't care. He could have killed us. I went from sad to mad and back again.

The trooper who assisted us would later tell me that the man went on to hit two more vehicles. He critically injured two people, and he would later die from his injuries. After hitting the last car he hit a concrete barrier head on.

I had so many emotions over the next little while. I was grateful to be a live, and humbled in a way that there are no words for. I had felt my van rock side to side. The sounds of the metal crushing and the windows shattering echoed in my head. The metal was crushed right up to the gas tank, but it was left with no damage. There was a huge pointed peace of metal that was literally a hair's length away from puncturing my left rear tire which would have increased our risk of injury had it actually punctured the tire at the rate of speed we were going. The Lord had spared my life and possibly the lives of my children.

I wanted to internalize that. I wanted to be aware of just what that really meant. I wanted to really be grateful for what the Lord had done for me.

Maybe my life was never going to end. Maybe the Lord's will was to always spare me. I will never know, nor do I care if I ever know. He allowed me an incredible learning opportunity. I had a chance to internalize why I really wanted to be here on this earth and what I wanted to do with my life. I had to the chance to verbalize those thoughts and emotions to my father in heaven and to plead my cause to him further impressing upon my soul my truest desires. I had an opportunity to truly let go and trust him and have faith in whatever was to be his will. A peace that is only learned in life's trials.

I was able to "see" during the accident His hand, literally and it has forever changed my life.

I would say that nothing is happening in my life, but from the outside looking in that could very well not be true.

Everyday I homeschool my children. Every day I believe I say the same things; "please unload the dishwasher", "the school room and living room need to be picked up", etc. Every morning before actually doing anything I listen to the same music. First "As Sisters in Zion, We will bring the world his truth" medley and then the Reflections of Christ cd. I will only sit and listen to the first few songs and then get up and make breakfast or whatever while listening to the rest. I try to clear my head of my doubts and negative thoughts. I try to see my life through the Lord's eyes for that moment each day. I usually pray while sitting there that I will not be so caught up in what I want to get done that I miss what needs to be done. I never want to miss a moment to teach or nurture my children outside of their secular needs. My girls usually start their school work before I am done getting ready for the day. Once I am ready I sit with baby Ray and we do math and work on letters. He catches on really fast. He loves me reading to him and I love how intently he listens. The girls will ask questions about their work and sometimes I have to help them. Alora and I will read together at some point. She and baby Ray will both work on hand writing together. I like when she helps him work on a letter or a number. Usually Alexa will jump in and ask to learn something so either I will help her or one of the older girls will 'teach' her for a minute then get back to their work. Arwyn either naps or plays while we do school. She is often in some one's lap benefiting from their reading or 'helping' them do math.

Some where in there we have lunch. Some days it is an actual meal; i.e. mac and cheese with nuggets and salad or some veggie. Other days it is sandwiches, or cereal or left overs. The kids want hot chocolate for lunch today :) Some times we watch Matlock for an after noon flick. Ray's grandma would be proud. Usually by three we are officially done with everyone and their school.

It's a free for all after that. Maybe I take a nap. Maybe the kids have more chores to do. Maybe Ray is home and we run errands or play together. Some evenings there is a dance class for Alora, or horse lessons for Aspen, or the fam is going to the arena for roping and riding with neighbors.

Dinner is usually Ray's time to shine. He has been our newly assigned cook and he does a great job. Enchilada's, tator tot casserole, soups and desserts all courtesy of skills he has acquired from working with ShirleyJ.

Bedtime is crazy. Almost laughable. There is always a measure of confusion as if it the first time they have ever gone to bed :) We read scriptures and have family prayer and then each child gets a short story read to them in their respective rooms; baby Ray, the little girls and the big girls. People usually surface to "ask" something "really quick". Sometimes I wonder if they are just checking to make sure we didn't skip out on them :)

Ray and I will retire at some point to our room where we talk. I usually talk more than more him, but we both talk. We discuss the next day, things that happened during the day, our likes dislikes about different things or even our ideas about our life or ideas in general. We like to dream together about where life will take us, what could happen or not, and sometimes we dream big and ask questions to each other like "what if you had ___?" or "if you could live anywhere?".

He always falls asleep first. I usually read Jesus the Christ or my scriptures again to help clear my head and prepare me for a restful slumber, sometimes I write in my journal if I didn't earlier that morning. Sometimes because Ray is asleep I will talk out loud to Heavenly Father like he is right there beside my bed.

The same things seem to happen every week, our little family moving along one learning step stone at a time. I am trying to be patient with my exhaustion and I am trying to clear my head of what I think should be so that I can see what the Lord sees. I am learning a lot about letting go and being in the moment with my children and my husband each day. Early next year I will have another baby and at some point I will start having more energy and I will be anxious to "do" more with my time. I hope that I will have learned what I need to at this time so as to make better use of my time spiritually and physically. We will at some point make enough money to support ourselves and that burden will be relieved as well. I hope that I will have learned, and that I will be grateful to my Father in Heaven for the blessings. I hope I don't forget. I hope I serve more, and love more. I hope that I can forever have His eternal perspective on my life.

Why do you do what you do? Why do you wake up in the morning? What do you consider before slumber each night? What motivates you? What drives your decisions?

Have you ever considered eternity with Heavenly Father and our Savior? Have you considered the "day in and day out" of the eternities? What will we do?

Serve. Every moment of eternity is service. Even in the moments when we are learning, someone will be serving us, only for us to turn right around and teach someone else and serve them.

The adversary would seek to distract us from what we are ultimately working towards. We frequently have lessons in church on the distractions we face each day. For each of us the distractions are different, but what are each of us doing to be aware of these distractions so that we may remain focused on our eternal task? And is that awareness even important to you?

The Lord sent us here to ultimately return to him. We came to prove our loyalty and preserve our place with him in heaven. What are we doing each day to do that?

Let's say you have read your scriptures and had your morning prayers. Now what? Where do your thoughts linger? What types of conversation do you seek out? What types of entertainment? Do you "look" for your Savior through out your day? What drives your accomplishments for the day? Who is your task master? What feelings do you seek to have at the end of the day? Or do you even pay attention to your feelings? Do you just exist, floating from one thing to another? Do you avoid thinking too deeply for fear of the guilt that encompasses you of all that you are not doing or should be doing?

How many excuses do you make about why you aren't as "spiritual" as you could be? How bad do you want to see your Savior when he returns? What discomforts are you willing to endure both physical and emotional to improve yourself now so that you may?

What really is your best? I think often we excuse ourselves with the thought that we are doing our best. The adversary is doing more than his best. He breaks his neck, figuratively speaking, trying to bring down the women of this world. And not always with the so obvious 'sins' of the world. If he can keep you discouraged, avoidant, and distracted then we finish the rest so easily. If he can keep us from having a real, sincere and connected relationship with our Father in heaven and our Savior then he build wedges in every aspect of our lives.

The Lord wants us just as we are, completely imperfect and 'failing'. He knows why you don't read your scriptures every day. He knows why you avoid praying right now, really praying, the heart felt kind. He knows that you lost your patience and said things you didn't mean. He knows why you don't like "her" or "him". He knows how fragile you really are. He knows that you really do want to be close to him, and he wants to show YOU how YOU can do it.

The Savior is our advocate. He is our cheerleader. He knows us better than we know ourselves. There is nothing is this world that could ever validate you or fulfill your need for love and comfort like He can. He might not ever tell you how qualified you were to say that quite witty cutting remark, but he knows just how bad that person hurt your heart causing you to react in such a way. He not only knows but he wants to heal you, to take that sting, so that you can have his peace in your heart. He does not care how imperfect we are when we come to him, he just wants us to come.

Our prayers do not have be eloquent or wordy and I am sure if you forget 'thee' and 'thou' he can still hear you. It is our hearts he wants, the deepest parts of our soul. Please as you go through your week consider where you are going and how you are getting there.

I have avoided posting anything for awhile. I haven't know how to say anything, or how to verbalize the things I have been learning and what I have been experiencing.

I have no energy. Zilch. I don't clean my house, my husband does. My goal everyday is to shower and to teach my children school and that is quite literally what I do everyday. I might vacuum once a week. I swept the floor today and yesterday. I walked for 15 minutes with Aspen the other evening so she could 'talk' to me. I sleep more than a newborn, or so it feels.

I take Alora to dance and Aspen to her horseback lessons. Last night I went with everyone to the arena where we are blessed to get to ride horses. I only lasted an hour.

I cry a lot because of the exhaustion. I have never know this kind of fatigue and exhaustion. The other night I cried myself to sleep out of frustration that I would not be able to get up with Alexa and help her get to the toilet. Ray was able too, but I wanted to do it, I wanted to play the role of mommy.

I want to clean my house. I want to organize and nurture my family. Instead I sit a lot on my couch and coach my older girls. They are patient and amazing. They help with meals, cleaning and the little girls.

I have had Ray give me several blessings. I need clarity, perspective, patience and peace. The Lord has told me he is allowing me to go through this. There are things he says that I need to learn from this experience.

Right now I don't know if I could say what I am learning. I know I am, because I feel it. I am still trying to see all this through his eyes. I am still trying to understand why it is okay for me to be almost totally out of commission. Why he is okay with my house that really is so much messier than I really like it to be. Why, as He put it in a blessing, it isn't critical at this time for me to push myself or to work out. He has counseled me to reflect during this time, and to cultivate my mind.

Did I mention my mind doesn't work? So often my frustration comes because I feel like I can't think. I feel too tired to try to organize anything mentally.

I do know that I can not take credit for any success my family has seen personally. My children are doing great with school. They almost teach themselves. Some how we all have clean clothes, even if they remain in the laundry baskets until they are retrieved. We make it to church, late usually, but we get there.

I want to learn what he wants me to learn. I am not necessarily enjoying this exhaustion by any means. Like I said I cry a lot because of frustration and feeling discouraged. But when all this is done I will be better than I am today. My testimony of the divinity of our Savior Jesus Christ will be that much more firm, and I will have an even more clear eternal perspective. Trials are always opportunity.

We have what is called an Apple TV. We can stream our music and photos from our iTunes. Every afternoon I play music for the kids and I to dance too. Today no one is dancing they are playing play-doh and I am sitting here listing to my fav songs and watching our photos scroll up the television. Lots of memories.

Today I 'found' a friend on facebook. Its a 'he' friend. I was remembering when I met him and where I was in my life and so many emotions and memories came back.

It was my senior year in high school. I just wanted the heck out of dodge. He was from Ohio and was in Longview doing construction. I believe he had just returned from his mission. I remember he took me on a date and when he brought me back the lights were all out and the front door was locked, as per my mom's usual behavior. We stood there for however long knocking and she answered in what my sister and I used to joke was her wet poodle look. I didn't think this poor guy would ever come around again after witnessing this. I am sure she said something mean and sarcastic and the evening was over.

The were two guys in that time of my life that impacted me forever. The first I met when I was a sophomore. He was from a neighboring town and was very much a cowboy. He and I dated off and on and were friends for years. He saw me, the real me. I felt comfortable being myself around him. When I lived in St George I often talked with him on the phone for hours. I don't remember anything we talked about really. I just remember being able to talk, to just let go.

The second one (the one I found on facebook today) and I dated a couple times I think that spring before graduation. I remember one time he came over when I was baby sitting these five kids. I remember thinking that that was the life I wanted. I wanted a good guy for forever and lots of kiddos.

I kept in touch in one way another with both these guys for years. I don't know if I made a mark on their life, but they did on mine. I don't even know if I could really put it into words. I wanted to be better than I was for them. I felt real when I was with them. I felt alive and cared about. I felt when they asked me a question, they really did want to hear the answer. I don't know that either of them realized what my life had really been like. I think they knew about some of the abuse, but I don't think they realized just how bad things really were. I didn't know how bad things really were. Somethings I didn't know about my own life until this year.

At that time in my life they had been the only constant. Inconstant constant. Though my life and their life would have changed between our communications, they never changed. They were strong and confident. I felt peaceful when I was around them or talked to them.

There is so much more I wish I could write about in regards to these two guys. Memories. Things I learned. I am grateful to them. They gave me something to hold on too. They inspired me in a very quiet way. I am so much of what I am today because of the motivation I often felt in talking with them. Something inside of me has always wanted to say to them "I did it". I became who I wanted to become.

The Lord took care of me during a time when I am sure so many thought me to plummeting out of control. I have said this so often before, but he blessed me with people along my way that would inspire and encourage me. I feel indebted to them for loving me and being my friend in a time when I wasn't so easy to love and when I was lost. These people... roommates, friends and friendboys blessed my life and were instruments in the hands of the Lord in helping me on my path to where I am today and will be in the future.

We are not merely bumping around here on earth happening upon our experiences by chance. We have a Heavenly Father who loves us and is intimately involved in our lives. He is our eternal cheer leader, and will forever be presenting opportunities for our growth whether through friends, neighbors, roommates, work aquaintances or whoever. We are here to ultimately help each other get back to our heavenly home where we will dwell with our Savior and Heavenly Father for eternity.

The phone call came. Yesterday. I knew it would one day. Ray's former commander of his unit called. He is now over another unit in which Ray will be moved to if his promotion goes through. He asked if Ray would be willing to go with them to Iraq next year. If his promotion goes through he would go anyway, and well when the Army asks you to go...you go...promotion or not. Nothing is official until you have orders, but I don't think the Major makes calls like that for fun. It would be a one year deployment. He would leave mid summer.

The thought of him going does not scare me. I know the Lord will protect him. My fear is that no one will help me while he is gone. I got to see the worst of some people when he was gone last year and I don't think I could do that again. The nice thing is that I won't be pregnant, hopefully :) when he leaves so I will be able to help myself more.

I have never felt closer to the Savior than I did last year while he was away. So I KNOW that He will be there for me, and that I will have the opportunity again to witness miracles quite literally everyday.

I am glad that I have a 'head's up'. Knowing this changes our approach to life over the next 9 months or so, as it naturally would. Perspective. Life is always about perspective.

The other night I was hanging out with Arwyn on the couch. I was only partially pay attention to what was on television. I had been watching the news about a fire that caused the evacuation of 1500 homes.

Arwyn was being silly, something out of character for her until recently. She has always been a very calm unemotional baby. She cried when she was hungry or tired or bothered. But until recently she was rarely playful. Maybe she was just taking everything in.

On that night she instigated her own little games and never tried to get off the couch, so I gladly participated in her fun. I heard an announcement made for a give away, something to the effect that it would be your dream life.

I have my dream life. Things have been hard these past two years. Things were hard when I was in therapy. Things were hard as a kid and a teenager. But right now in this very moment I have all that I have ever dreamed of and then some.

I have probably the most perfect husband ever. Really. Not biased :) He stood by my side during a time that he could have been justified in leaving. There were times that the medications the docs put on to help me through therapy would literally make me crazy. He visited me in the psych ward. He encouraged me through all the moments that I was sure were the ending of me. He has loved me REALLY overweight and when I looked almost like a rock star :) He loves me staying at home with our brood. He listens to me, and I talk A LOT. He prays for me in every prayer. He cooks for me and the kids. He does my dishes, and so far he has done them everyday since this pregnancy has made me sick, so let's say June? He loves me. The weird, the quirky, the weaknesses, and the absolute strengths. And I feel that love.

I have five beautiful children. I don't think anyone ever really believed that I would have a big family. I don't think 15 years ago I seemed the motherly type. I have always wanted 80 million kids. I love being at home with them. They draw on my walls. Make ginormous messes at bath time. Whine about not being able to find the smallest toy know to man. They talk loud at dinner and say things like "he's looking at me". They wake up way too early and go to bed way too late. They put clean clothes in the laundry. They stomp their foot almost every time I ask them to do something and act surprised when I say it is time to start school (as if we don't do it everyday). But they have so much love in them. They love each other. They love Ray and I. They love life. I love how excited they get about a grasshopper or a pheasant in our back yard. I love to hear them laugh with each other and at each other. I love that the sky is only the beginning for them. I love that they fear nothing, including me. They see no boundaries only opportunities.

My house is rarely "clean". There is always something on my table, evidence of an invention or the last meal eaten. My school room table and floor are covered with books, crayons, markers, glue, cut up paper, toys, more inventions or creative projects. The laundry is never always finished. It is either in the washer, dryer, on my bed or on some one's floor because they didn't get it quite put away. The bathrooms are....well used by 45,000 people who for some reason think it is necessary to use 8 gallons of soap so as to create plenty of suds that will cover the entire vanity. I wipe my walls...before someone comes over :) but I love the art work that some little 3 year old or 15 month left for me.

I wouldn't trade it though. Not one mess, not one overwhelming chaotic moment, not even the times in the car when all 20 of them are crying or whining for one reason or another. It is all a gift from my Heavenly Father to me. I am a mother and a wife. One day these silly wonderful kids will grow up and leave to go begin their own adventures as an adult. My walls will be clean and my floors will be spotless and I will find new things in life to find joy in. For now though, this is the dream and this is the life I always wanted. No money, no comforts, nothing the world could offer would be better than my life right now.

It is okay to ask questions, to wonder which direction the Lord would have you go. I have been doing that my whole life. But this faith that I am learning about is different. Ray gave me a blesssing in which the Lord told me that right now the only thing he wants me to DO is be patient. There are more times than not that our faith is exercised by our actions. When you pray for a job you actively look for a job. When you pray for good health, you eat healthy and take care of your body with exercise and proper rest. Ray and I have done everything we possibly can. This is now about endurance, about completely letting go and finding complete peace in knowing nothing. He isn't going to tell us when or how.

There is a story from the scriptures that I learn from over and over and over about peace. Remember when the Savior was on the boat asleep and the storm came? The apostles were nervous about the storm and the fact that the One who could stop the storm was sleeping right through it.

The Savior was tired from all that he had been doing, but he was also at complete peace with the storm. He did not fear the raging waters and fierce winds, he was at peace with them.

Have we made peace with our storms? Are we at peace in the thick of it all? Or are we in hurry to calm the waters and the winds?

The body literally craves being comfortable. Think about our behaviors when we are hungry or tired. We often act selfishly trying to satisfy these needs. Our minds are the same. We "need" our finances to be dependable, or to know how things are going to work out. We long to have our emotional ducks in a row.

The Lord is trying to teach Ray and I that ultimately the spirit rules the flesh. Though my desire to be self sufficient is righteous, the eternal lesson I am learning here is more important. The Lord will bless us with a job. Right now he is asking me to overcome the need to know, to have complete faith in something I can not see at all. To calm the natural man in my mind that craves mortal control. My needs have always been met these past two and half years, and the Lord will continue to meet them. I have to learn how to let go completely. No questions, just perfect faith in Him.

I didn't do as well as I wanted to do on my lesson yesterday. I am in the midst of my own trial of faith. I felt distracted as I taught. I felt weighed down with my own questions for the Lord. Questions I ask him daily. My questions are more to try to gain a perspective.

The Lord has promised us that we would have a good paying job, that we would be able to pay for things, even our wants. Right now we don't have that job, and we haven't for quite some time. The money miraculously came through various avenues this month so that I could pay for my car, our credit cards and other bills.

Last week the Lord's hand was made evident in our lives when we met a family that breeds horses. The mother of the family has offered to teach Aspen horseback riding lessons for free for right now.

We have most of our bases covered in regards to paying bills, so I do feel a bit of relief for right now. I feel nervous though for next month. In my life the Lord allows me to go through more than I necessarily would hope for :) I get through it and I even am blessed to learn from it, but the learning is always hard. I have been asking the Lord to help me find the patience to be able to endure this trial. I often try and anticipate things and pre-guess my life. I want to have implicit trust in him, and know with out any doubt that he will provide for my needs. I often right now ask him how he will provide, when will we get a job. It is out of fear that I ask those questions. Fear of having to do something harder than I want to. Fear of being uncomfortable.

One of my worst fears is that Ray will be deployed and that that is how we will be able to support ourselves. I have no fear in his being deployed for safety reasons, I don't want to deliver another baby alone. And I would be sad if he went right after because he would miss that babies first year. Selfish really, I know, but my feelings none the less.

It is a weird feeling, and even a difficult feeling not knowing which way your life will go even in the next week. Financially we can plan for nothing. It is literally week by week. I want to find peace in that. I want to not fear the lack of control I have in my life right now. I want to learn what ever it is he would have me learn.

I closed my blog because I didn't know who was sending me these extremely unnerving anonymous comments. I originally thought it was my brother and then I wasn't sure. He contacted me on facebook after I closed the blog. My family is so very weird. You won't hear from anyone for months, possibly years, and then they just show up in your life and they act as if they have been there all along and that it isn't weird that they are suddenly making contact. AND in this renewal of correspondence they find it necessary to rehearse to you all that is wrong with you and that the reason for the lack of previous correspondence is because of you...or they pretend to be your friend fishing for anything that they can use against you in later conversations or that they can take back to the "others" :) to tell, where they are temporarily rewarded for such behavior. A web of lies and manipulation!!

My whole life I only heard how I was the reason that my family was falling apart. My mom preached that sermon almost daily. I was the reason for every season and I believed it for so long. As I got older though, 14, 15ish I began to realize she was the crazy one. I would tell her so. I fought back. My sister would tell me to just keep my mouth shut and to just go along with it. That isn't how I "roll". The more I acted out, the more abuse I got. I don't remember caring though. I slept with my Book of Mormon and I would lie there day dreaming of the day when I would be free.

My brother's 'beef' in his anonymous comments and in his messages to me on facebook were about how I spoke of my mother on my blog. He feels that I could be kinder. He says "she loves" me. I felt guilty at first. As I prayed about it though I realized the same thing I have had to realize over and over in my life.

She doesn't love me. She can't. She doesn't love herself. I would love to cut my mom some slack. I would love to borrow on the idea that she had a rough childhood and excuse her behavior because of that. EXCEPT that I had a rough childhood TOO!!!! She had the same choices I did. But she chose to run from it, and I chose to face it. I went through however many years of literal hell to overcome my past and to change my future and my children's future. So I am sorry I can not excuse her current behavior.

To my family, specifically my brothers, mother and sister: If you don't like what I write, don't read it. I write exactly how I feel.

I feel very peaceful today. This summer has been hard on me. A learning kind of hard. That is how my life goes though. I have a time where I do good, I feel good, I feel myself moving forward physically, emotionally and spiritually. And then the Lord lets me learn :)

I have found peace with what happened in Tennessee. Not peace like it is all okay. But understanding peace. It wasn't me personally that was "under attack" as I felt. They push themselves to unrealistic standards, and thus project or put on others the same expectations. They feel the need to be a perfect they have defined for themselves, and thus hold others to it as well. I realized that I can chose how often and when and how long I want to be at family get togethers. There are some things like baptisms, weddings, blessings and such that are mandatory. But the length of time in which I have to socialize is not mandatory. I have felt at times wrong because I don't necessarily enjoy being around every one in his family. It isn't wrong. It is my preference. We all have people that are easier for us to be around, and people who we find it difficult to be around for too long. The Lord never said we have to be friends or best buds with everyone. He just said we have to love them and be willing to serve them. I love Ray's family. And I am willing to serve them. I can be kind to them but I don't have to torture myself with a feeling of obligation. My happiness matters too.

I have found peace with the ridiculous accusations made about my personality and character early this summer. They don't really know me, and they probably never will. They saw a side of me that isn't my best when they confronted me. The emotions I showed during my conversations probably did seem dramatic. I can come across very....aggressive...okay mean and hostile :) when I feel attacked...and frankly I will leave no survivors. That is the survivor in me. I have determined though that the next time I will not respond unless I truly feel moved by the spirit. For me to respond on my own I become a fighter, which in and of itself isn't bad, I just don't like the feeling I am left with and nothing is actually accomplished. When I speak I am looking for a person to understand me, and if that person is there to accuse they are most definitely not seeking to understand, so ultimately it is a waist of emotion and oxygen. I know who I am, I do not have to defend that. I know that the Lord will always help me to know what to say, and if I am not moved to say anything then I must trust that nothing should be said.

We did get a 'job' this spring. It however has not brought an income in which we can provide for ourselves. We are still very dependent on the church for assistance. We have always been able to pay our credit card bills and my car payment and have even been blessed to be able to buy Cafe Rio when I 'needed' it :) I have longed this summer to be self sufficient. I want to pay my rent. I want to pay all my bills and buy all my groceries. I don't mind being poor, it is being flat broke that has been hard this summer. I have felt for so long that as soon as the Lord wanted us to have the means necessary to do so that we would. He is paying for our mere existence quite literally. So I determined this summer that there must be more for us to learn. I have prayed and searched and pondered and really have begged him to help me to see what is was that he wanted us to learn. I know that I don't fully recognize yet the whole scope of what we learned and are continuing to learn. For right now I have realized we spend so much time wanting, and begging and pleading for our wants and needs. We tell the Lord, whether subconsciously, verbally or in our minds, what we "need". We pray for a job. We pray for more money, for better health, to be relieved of our trials, to have things work out for our "good". Our happiness is important to our Heavenly Father and our Savior, but even more important is what we learn, spiritually, for the eternities. We often get in such a hurry to be relieved that we miss an opportunity to learn. Learning from the Lord is often emotionally painful and hard. We have to give up our mortal expectations, we have to literally chip away the natural man. We like to hang on to our expectations and our "eyes" because it feels tangible, we feel like we have some kind of control. To have faith or to let go and try to see things through our Savior's eyes is a very scary feeling. It is literally stepping into the dark. It is lonely in there for a bit, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. It is in that loneliness that we grow. That is where the natural man is chipped away and we can become closer and more in tune with the spirit.

This summer we came to the end of our credit card living. We used them to keep us from going into the red. I prayed about homeschooling again, about Alora joining a competition dance team, baby Ray starting soccer, Aspen starting horse back riding lessons. I felt like these things were okay to pursue. I prayed more in case I was crazy. I still felt peaceful. So we started. Alora tried out and made a team. Baby Ray has started soccer. We are still waiting for funds to get Aspen in lessons. The money is coming due for Alora's dance. Our credit card bills are starting to add up. I asked the Lord if we needed to start selling things. No. Okay so where is the money going to come from. Ray has given me so many blessings. I have had moments where I felt my heart was going to explode wondering if the Lord would really provide. Would he let us drown? I know that often lessons don't come until things are completely dark. What about my feelings that starting these lessons were the right thing? In the blessings the Lord says the money will come that I will be able to pay for everything. Today money finally came that allowed for me to buy curriculum. Next week I have to pay for Alora's dance and then my car payment, and the credit card bills, and gas, and...well you know how it is. I don't know how everything is going to work out. I can't even fathom it working out, because there is no money to make it work, but the Lord said the money would come. I pray to be patient with His will, to be able to not pull my hair out in an anxiety driven rage because I can't "see". This isn't easy for me, I pray literally all day. I listen to hymn music and turn to my scriptures when doubt begins to creep in. This has been a 2 year 4 month ordeal. I am most definitely looking forward to the relief, because it will come as He promised. I just hope that I have not been in too much of hurry to be able to learn all that I can from this trial.

Today though. Today I have felt peace. I have asked him to take my anxiety, to help me to have more faith. I have asked him to help me let go of what I think I need. I asked him to help me to look through eternal eyes and not mortal eyes. Today I have felt him take it and I feel my soul at ease. Tomorrow he might allow me to hurt again, so today I will be grateful and internalize these moments so as to have the strength to endure whatever it is he might need me to feel so that I might have a better eternal perspective.

I have started three different posts, but I can't get through them. I am distracted right now. I thought that I received personal revelation about something. In fact it was on several different occasions that I felt the same thing with such clarity. Now it isn't looking like my feelings were correct. I am baffled and overwhelmingly confused. I feel sad and insecure. I have been doubting my own ability to get answers to prayers. I have not been able to ask for a blessing because of how sad I feel, and how wrong I feel. I want to resolve this, but I was so hopeful and honestly excited about what I felt that it hurts to be wrong. I have wondered why the Lord didn't tell me in other blessings when the opportunity, I feel like anyway, was there. I guess too, there is part of me that worries that I won't get an answer specifically about this. He doesn't always give me those and really at this moment I don't feel strong enough to not have an answer. I have been here before, not with this particular problem, but being humbled. Honestly I think surgery is easier than being humbled. The Lord would never call it being wrong, but that is what it feels like.

Creepy!! Okay just creepy. At first I thought the comments were from my brother who has bi-polar disorder and gets obsessed with religious stuff. But then when I closed the blog this person left another comment talking about how they were trying to help me, and how they have a blog about our one true friend, and how we are supposed to listen to those who are in authority and then once again listed these weird scriptural references. It honestly had the feel of something from a weird sect leader who understood LDS beliefs. I was glad then that I switched things around. The weirdest part is that this person told me they had a blog, I go to it, and they had just started it minutes before sending me a comment. The time stamp on the only entry on the blog was last night just before they sent the comment. WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So very weird. And the way the things were worded I am telling you, it was like off of a Dateline or 48 Hours or even better Criminal Minds. I had to have Ray give me a blessing today after this comment because it really scared me how they worded things, I was sure that this person was going to show up on my door step. The Lord said I would be protected and that no harm would come to me or my family. Now I feel peaceful.

Oh and one more thing. This person would come on to my blog 5 or 6 times a day. Sometimes more. I had noticed it and had already asked Heavenly Father to help me know if I needed to move to private because some of my older entries you can figure out quite easily where I live. I got my answer :)

So back to my 'normal' life. I was called to be a teacher in Relief Society. I LOVE teaching. It comes quite natural to me. My first lesson I will teach will be 'Faith in Jesus Christ', a topic that always brings me to tears. I can barely make it through a sacrament song with out crying, and I always cry when I sing hymns with my children at home.

Faith is such an essential part of this gospel. It is what propels us forward even when it seems all is lost. It is what we cling to when all is lost and He is all we have. Faith helps us to have a more positive outlook on life. But faith with out work or effort is like a life preserver with out the preserver.

I have been told that faith comes easy for me. I believe faith comes easy for all of us. You just have to consider what you faith in. Do you have faith in the unseen? or are you dependent on the flesh? Do you really have faith that the Lord will attend to all your needs? or are you afraid of his failing you so you "take care of yourself"? I believe so often our lack of faith in the Lord is because to have faith in Him we must control less, and that scares people. The irony is that the more you try to control something the less control you have. Faith also requires us to let go emotionally and mentally. When we have faith we don't complain, we don't rehearse our sad tale to whomever will listen, we stand tall, often with tears in our eyes, looking forward to our Savior. When we have faith we let go of our natural man tendencies to question, or doubt or to hurry things to as relieve our pain. When we have faith we try to see things through an eternal perspective understanding that sometimes things get hard but that the Lord will carry us through and that though things might not turn out the way we hoped, we look for opportunities to grow and to better understand the will of the Lord.

For me faith isn't knowing how anything will work out. Each time I exercise true faith the Lord never fails me. I ALWAYS have exactly what I need spiritually, emotionally and physically. Sometimes I receive more than I thought, sometimes it is less than I thought I needed. I enjoy the lessons of faith, though hard at times and humbling, I always learn and grow which is my ultimate goal.

My challenge will be for the class and you ;) to try this week and the next and so on to exercise more faith. How do you do that? For everyone it is different, each of us as our 'area' where we struggle. New things are hard, but this I promise you will be worth it. You know where you lack faith. Pray about it, journal about it and exercise it. Reach out to the Lord and express to him your desire and your fear in trying to have faith. He will assist you and help you along the way. He longs to be nearer to you and by exercising that new level of faith he can be.

Forgiveness. It is a very tricky thing. I remember when I was in the very beginning of my healing process and 1000 feet deep in therapy and I came across this talk by Elder Richard G Scott (Ensign May 1992? Healing The Tragic Scars of Abuse). I don't recall how I came upon the article, but it cut me to the core. I had to forgive to be healed. I had to forgive the people who hurt me the most, who quite literally ruined my life up to that point, in order for my heart to be ready for the Savior. I was so angry at first. Furious. How could the Lord expect me to forgive them? How could I? I was so hurt. It was months before I even found an answer as to where to begin.

To forgive is not to condone. One of my therapist helped me understand that. She was wonderful. She was a born again Christian and I a Mormon, so we agreed to disagree, she did however believe in healings because she herself had had one. The Lord took her cancer, all of it. The healing took place during a dream where she saw God and he told her that she was healed. The next morning she told the doctor the cancer was gone and she shared her experience. A scan was performed and the results were proof of her claim, she was cancer free. Beautiful.

Dr. Carol Moretz helped me to see how forgiveness was giving it to the Lord and showing him that we no longer "owned" this "issue". It took awhile to be able to give my pain and anger to the Lord. It wasn't done all at once. It was one memory, one gut wrenching memory at a time.

I find myself in a similar place again. I want to forgive these people who have hurt me so bad.

I was called selfish as a mother. I was asked at one point how I could ever feel the spirit, or close to God with how I am. I took it to mean my stubbornness in refusing to say that there was anything wrong with me or how I conduct myself, or that I had anything to repent of in regards to the situation. I was called judgemental and really on the whole my character was called into question and my motives for how I lived.

I feel defensive now. I feel ready for a fight when I step foot out of my house. It isn't a peaceful way to live. It isn't how I want to live.

When I was in the process of forgiving my abusers they lived no where near me and I had not contact with them. The reality of the abuse occurring again was not likely. I could keep them from my life. This situation is different.

These people are my direct neighbors. My children sometimes play with their children. They haven't for awhile, but it is inevitable that our paths cross again, especially considering we all go to church together. I don't hate them, I just am worried about what might come from their lips again.

So my question to the Lord has been, 'how do I forgive these people, love them as you would have me love them, and not fear their remarks?'. My mortal reaction at this point is to protect myself. I don't necessarily 'want' to love them. I just know that if I don't that it allows the adversary an opportunity to place a wedge between me and the Lord.

I know that as I pray about this, ponder it and really search the scriptures for an answer the Lord will help me see how to do this. I know I don't have to have it resolved tomorrow, but I can't quit either. The adversary loves these types of situations, because we either avoid it or stew over it, which allows him to bring us down and directly interfere with our eternal progression.

Yesterday baby Ray almost chopped off his toe with a shovel. It happened late in the evening while he was at a neighbors house. I was feeling sick and so I was lieing on the couch while Ray was outside with the kids. I heard baby Ray screaming, and not the "I'm not getting my way"scream, it was a true in pain scream. I look outside to find Ray carrying him and he yells for me to grab some paper towels. I wanted to demand an explanation but I did as I was told.

Baby Ray's foot was covered in blood. My first thought is always "don't panic", panic never helps anything, and you can't think clearly if you are panicked. Ray washed his foot off and the damage was assessed. It looked like most the toe nail was gone, but it didn't look like it needed stitches. It looked like we could just bandage it and that we just need to keep him from bumping it (yeah right!).

We took him inside and washed the foot and cleaned the wound as well as we could, put antiseptic on it and bandaged it up. We tucked him in bed with his foot elevated and thought all to be well.

I talked to the neighbor and told her all looked well. I even joked that we were to cheap to go the ER, which really is half true. We have a $75 co-pay for ER visits. I don't have that right now. But really if he needed it we would have taken him, it just looked like superficial cut.

This morning when he got up and I checked on him I noticed there was still bright red blood on the gauze. Hmmm? That is curious I thought. I attributed it to him walking around instead of propping his foot up thus causing it to bleed a bit again. While I was getting ready for the day I heard him let out a grunt and then he started crying. I go out into the hall and the blood is now escaping its fancy bandaging, so I call the doc.

They were able to get us in right away. Dr. Foote is our doctor. Such a great guy. Really he is just so calm. He said there was some concern over the fact that the injury was over 6 hours old. He injected litacane into the toe so that he could better see the wound. It was determined that the whole toe nail was gone and that to help the new toe nail grow properly he would put in four stitches to pull the wound together and up. Baby Ray was so brave and very co-operative.

I worried initially that the doc was going to reprimand me for not going to ER originally. Instead he told me that they might not have stitched it there, but that he was doing it to help the toe nail grow out even. He reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, we make the best judgements we can in the moment. Thanks doc!!

Now I just have to find things for my little guy to do for the next few days until the stitches are taken out. He is not allowed to do anything, but sit so that he does not re-injure the toe :) Wee Fun!!

The individuals left with nothing more to say and me speechless. My husband called just a few minutes later and I just cried and told him what had been said. I was hurt. I felt instead of being offered a hand, I was told everything I was doing wrong and how I was failing my children. The part that was the hardest was having someone question my ability to handle my children and to even be so bold as to call me selfish for having another child.

A couple of weeks later when I had a could attend church again, with my husband by my side, I was approached by the person who had offered her opinion. She said "I am sorry that you were offended by what I said." I was a bit taken back by what she said so I asked her to repeat herself, and she "I heard that you were offended by what I said, and I am sorry that you took offence to it." My feelings were hurt, but now, NOW I am offended. You are sorry that I am offended but such a comment. Is it surprising I was hurt by that? Is this a comment that people usually enjoy and are not offended by? You came into my house when I was hurt and feeling lonely and sick and needed help and questioned my motherhood, and I am supposed to be okay with that?

The conversation was very heated, for my part for sure. I was told that I was selfish again and that I offended most people in the ward with my behaviors. Really who? Who are all these people that come to you and confide in you their grievances and are afraid to come to me?

I was told that the reason that people don't come to me is because of who I am, they are afraid of me. It was given the example of my reaction to this superficial apology. I asked her if what I was 'supposed' to say was "no, no it is okay that you said what you did" and then move on. Yeah, well I don't do 'supposed to's'. What was said was not okay, and I didn't understand why it was said.

As the conversation progressed it was revealed that really there were only two people I had offended. And as that onion was peeled a bit more it was this individuals personal feelings about my behavior in regards to these people that was the motivation behind the remark.

She felt me to have never offered assistance to someone who had helped me when my husband was gone last year, and this year was in need of help. What she didn't know was the correspondence between that person and I regarding this and our own resolutions. The best part is neither of the people she felt me to have offended ever came to her or anyone she knew with a grievance or complaint against me. It was all inferred, or assumed. So she came into my home already determined that I was selfish and that she was going to put me in my place, and instead injured me to the core.

What she doesn't know about me is the lengths I go to be a good mother. What she doesn't know is that I prayed for this pregnancy after my miscarriage. What she doesn't know is who I am. She determined who I "should" be.

And after that experience I went to TN where again I felt myself being held to a standard that was unfair. Because I did not behave in a manner that others had determined to be Christlike and appropriate, I was wrong.

And today this person, I believe not maliciously, came to my house to see how I felt about the relief society. How do I feel? I worry now, I feel uncomfortable at church. Well when I am walking through the hall. That some how I will yet again be misunderstood and someone will determine me to be selfish or ungrateful.

The conversation was intense. I felt that it was being requested of me that I respond in a certain way about my feelings. That I say things that I don't really feel. I don't think ill of the person that hurt of my feelings. I am sad because of what she said. And yes I do worry that there are other people walking around out there, not understanding who I am, judging me and determining me to be selfish or an unfit mother.

I am not fluffy. I am not sure how to help people get that. I will never be "fluffy". I have literally been to hell and back, you don't come back "fluffy". I am me. I say what I think, and I think what I say. I will never lie to you. I will never say something just to say it. I will never say anything the way you think I need to say it. I don't wake up for you, I don't live for you. If you have a problem with me then take it to the Lord. I am sorry that I am "scary" or that I come off "combative". Maybe it is because you are just used to people walking on eggs shells for you, instead of just being honest about how they feel. I am sorry that you don't understand me, but to relieve you of your stress please know you don't have to understand me, just let me be me, just like I let you be you. I never come to your house and tell you that I think you need to stop being who you are. Heaven is heaven because we spend more time loving and serving than measuring and fixing.

Let's be honest. I am not your usual usual. I am not like anyone else. This summer has been let's say "interesting". Emotionally trying. I am not sure why the sudden out pouring of individuals who find it necessary to tell me why who I am is not okay.

Someone came to my house today to ask about how I felt about relief society. Here is why she wanted to know.

In June my husband was gone for two weeks for the military. I hurt my back. I couldn't walk, I could barely stand up, and even laying down was excruciating. I called and asked for advice from a neighbor. I did call my sister-in-law. One has five children and lives 45 minutes away and the other just had her fourth a month earlier and lives 1 and half hours away. I just wanted to let the one with the five kids know that I might be needing her help the next day. I then called someone else for more help. She came over. After massaging and doing heat and ice I determine I wanted to go to the ER because I was in so much pain. We went and of course it took a million hours. We got back to my house around 4AM with me doped up on Loritab. I am useless on pain killers. I was out cold once I got home. This person came back to get my children ready and off to church, which by the way I was not even conscience for. Around 11AM some individuals came back to give me a blessing and to "plan" what to do.

I was rebuked for not calling my visiting teacher's. You mean the one I don't know? or the other one I don't know? And rebuked for not having my children do more. What? "You could have your kids clean up this mess, parents these days don't make their kids responsible enough?" For starters the "mess" was blocks. And yes my house does look a bit lived in, I am pregnant and sick and I have 8 million children, okay 5 but sometimes it feels like more :) Oh and did I mentioned I hurt my back and couldn't walk? Excruciating pain? The rebuke went on but I didn't really listen too much because I felt like this person wasn't seeing me, they were seeing I don't know what, but they weren't seeing a woman in a vulnerable position who just needed help for a day or so.

The question was proposed "well what should be done about this?", meaning my situation. It was pronounced by an individual that I had exhausted all the resources of the relief society and its president so I was just going to need to find family to help me. Okay. The exhausted resource was that when I had my tonsils out the relief society help for two and half days about 6 hours each time take care of my children because I couldn't talk. By the last day I was much improved. My sister in laws who live on the other side of the earth could not come up...one had literally just had a baby. And mind you I don't have a mom, well the active loving kind who want to be a part of your life. And the other exhausted part was that someone from the relief society had come and helped me go to the hospital. At this point, I was like 'whatever'. I can do alone. I am a professional survivor.

As the last two individuals were preparing to leave one says to me, "Isn't it quite selfish of you.". What? "Isn't it quite selfish of you to have another child when you can't even take care of the ones you have?"

"uh well that isn't for you to decide, and just because my house is a bit cluttered doesn't mean I can't take care of my children, and besides if the Lord felt it was okay for me to have another baby, then I am okay with having another baby, and if he is okay with how things are going then I am okay with how things are going. And what an incredible opportunity for my children to witness service with me being sick and hurt while their father is away."

http://www.amazinghailey.com/events/13/the-amayzing-race

http://haileyshalo.blogspot.com/

I have feedjit on my side bar because my blog is not set to private. I love sharing my thoughts on life with others but I want to be able to keep an eye out if you will for "unusual" activity. It shows that an individual from Orem is stopping by several times a day. If you are this person could you please send me an email at andraeleigh@live.com and let me know who you are. Maybe your computer has a glitch and if you stop by once it decides to visit lots more. Or maybe you are stopping by lots, I would just like to know who you are. Thank you.

I like Marshall Mathers aka Eminem. Okay let me clarify just a bit. I do not like his old music. I was never a fan. The old Eminem was a troubled soul. I saw an interview with him recently some where about his new album 'Recovery'. He was a changed man. It was interesting listening to him because to a certain extent I could relate. I have never done drugs. But the recovery part, the part where you have to face the darkest parts of your soul. I have been there. His song 'Not Afraid', makes me cry. Sounds silly maybe. If you read the lyrics on line the profanity is there which takes away from it. The edited version though is much more moving. Rap moving. The thing is if you listen to it and picture yourself once trapped by addiction, sorrow, selfish and an intense feeling of loneliness and then picture the birth from that. The realization of how selfish you were, how selfish the people who hurt you were and then the realization that you are important and that you have what it takes to succeed. It is empowering and beautiful. In the video he falls if you will from the end of the road, and he allows himself to fall for a moment and then he chooses to literally rise above it all. Overcoming depression is very much like that. You give into it a little bit and recognize that it is what it is and then one choice at a time, one prayer, one grateful thought at a time you rise above it never to go back. My favorite line is "I'm not afraid to take a stand". Standing up to the demons, to the darkness that takes over during your recovery, takes incredible courage. It is not for the faint of heart. But the actions are not so much outward, it is a mental battle. No one will ever see that battle. It is between you, your soul and God. When with God at your side you over come that darkness, that depression and sadness, you truly feel ready to take on the world. You are moved to help all the souls who struggle with the same thing. You want them all to know it is possible. That there can be an end to the madness. I hope that this new album helps people like he has intended for it to do. I am grateful for people like him who can put emotion into song. I look forward to seeing how this new lease on life empowers him.

I love this picture of me and Arwyn! I actually ended up falling down the stairs with her at the temple and dropping her. It was so awful. I just sat there and cried. I think the angels must have softened her fall because she didn't even get a bump or a bruise.

Here we are just as couples. Ten years and seven weddings.

These are the Griffin originals :)


Ten years and 20 grandkids with 2 on the way and maybe some we don't know about yet :)

This pic is just funny to me :)

Arizona Immigration Law. I agree with it. I support it and I applaud it. Have you ever traveled outside of our country? Have you ever been to Mexico? Did you know that any where you go outside of the United States of America you must bring proof of your identification and your citizenship everywhere you go? What is wrong with us requiring the exact same thing of others? Yes the Mexican population is being "targeted" if you will, but there are more of them here illegally. And they keep coming. Why are they appalled at the idea of having to present proper identification? We have to in their country. If you have nothing to hide then there shouldn't be a problem. I read an article on foxnews.com where a woman mentions how hard it would be to always have to keep up with that kind of stuff. How 'bout you try that one on in Egypt, Kuwait, India, or even China? You keep up with what will keep you out of jail. She also mentioned they already fear the police. Because you are here illegally. Only the guilty are fearful. We can not be a country where we tolerate this type of manipulation. They have had a free ride for a long time and they don't want it interrupted. I remember hearing on the news that the law would have to answer the questions about children who were born here and if the parents are deported then what about the children. You are going to think me harsh, but if we start making loop holes for these sensitive situations then we will have no law. In other countries they would tell you to either leave with the child or with out but either way you would be leaving. We have to stand up at some point and say 'no more'. We will be run over by other countries if they realize that we can't stand up and protect our borders. We are a free country, but freedom comes with a cost. We are not a host country. You can not come here and set up camp with all your free loading friends and think yourself free from all laws of the land. So some feelings get hurt because they have to go back home. Well work hard and do what so many from other countries do and earn your way here. This law was not set up to be unkind, it was set up to protect our country. Our tax dollars are paying for them, they "steal" jobs because they will be paid under the table tax free, and that type of lifestyle breeds violence, drug abuse and sales, and an all over disruptive environment. It was never said that we don't like them, or that Arizona doesn't want Mexicans. Arizona just doesn't want illegals. What if people were just allowed to move into your house and take which ever room they wanted, eat your food, wear your clothes but you couldn't report it or make a stink because there was no law protecting you and your rights. Arizona is trying to set up a law to do just that. They are trying to set up something that will make it harder for them to live at ease in that state and hopefully soon any others. Can you feel my passion? I hope that this law in its full extent will one day be passed, that someone will wake up and realize that we are the only country in the world that does not allow our police to ask for proper proof of citizenship.

I love being at home. I love being with my kids. I love my life.

My kids asked first thing Monday morning if we could start school. Yeppers! They love school. Which is something I want and it makes me feel joyful that they are so ready. I was however hoping for a couple more weeks before I really had to have a routine and be disciplined. I love summer for that reason, no school on the brain. We all sleep in. Okay I am the only one who sleeps in at this point, but I dream of the day that there are more that do. My brain gets to relax and just kick back and not think.

I had been praying to know what to do for curriculum this year now that I will have three in school. I wanted something that I could use for everyone and supplement for the older ones. Who knew that a salesman would show up the day I had been pondering on it most, with the perfect thing. So I purchased two different sets of books. Aspen has already started "studying". She will know it all before I even start school I fear.

I didn't always plan on homeschooling. In fact my only opinion of it 10 years ago was that it was weird and the families that did it were even weirder :) When Aspen was 7 months old we were visiting family in Utah, we lived in PA at the time. There were these kids who were about to perform on the piano and violin. Their ages ranged from 11 to 5. I mentioned how incredible that was and how articulate they were, and someone says "yeah AND they are HOMESCHOOLED". That seemed so strange to me. Weren't they supposed to be dressed in flooded pants with awkward hair do's? and shy and just weird? But they weren't. And then I was introduced to Ray's Aunt LaRee, the mother of these incredible children. I asked lots of questions. I loved her answers.

She started homeschooling because her of oldest Auroa. She was a busy bee, what we call a spirited child. One with more energy, insight and creativity than your average bear. LaRee after much prayer and thought realized that this child would not make it in the traditional school system. Auroa needed to be able to move at her pace, not to be confined to boundaries defined by a system set up for the general population. I was inspired by LaRee has I heard her speak of the books she read, what she learned about how children really learn, and the importance of providing an inspiring atmosphere that would encourage the love of learning.

I had her write down the books she read and I went home and promptly purchased them all. I read them and could not get enough of what I was reading. I wanted to homeschool. I prayed about it and felt like it would be the right thing. Now mind you Aspen was at this point 9 months old when I determined to do this. Ray was not sure how he felt about it, telling me to wait until she was 5 before get ahead of myself. His Dad especially thought the whole thing to be ludicrous, he had very strong opinions against the whole thing. But I KNEW what I felt and I knew I was going to homeschool.

When Aspen was about 13 months old something happened :) She began throwing herself from her crib. Climbing everything. Dumping everything. Nothing was safe. She ran away from us soon as her feet touched the ground. She was spirited. LaRee sent me the book "Raising Your Spirited Child", to help me see Aspen in a more positive light. I knew she was not going to be a boxable kid.

I continued to move forward with my hopes of homeschooling. Purchasing puzzles, books, games and such to build my homeschool library. When she was three we started "preschool". And the rest is history really.

The fall of 2006 I was pregnant with Alexa and very sick. One day I knelt in prayer about something and felt a very strong impression to send Aspen to public school. My heart sank. Why would the Lord have me do this? I had Ray give me a blessing and the Lord said my impression was right and that I needed to follow it. So I did. I cried when I registered her. It was the last week in October, so school had well been underway. I remember the lady at the desk remarking that so many try to homeschool and do the same as me and realize that the public school is just better. No crazy lady!!! You are wrong, I am only doing this because the Lord told me to. I couldn't really say that, especially in Boston, so I just cried hoping to one day understand the purpose of this request. I met with the teacher who told me that teaching was not meant to be done by parents.....???????????? DON'T even get me started on that one. Again I kept my mouth shut and stuck to yes or no answers. Aspen was only in for six weeks. She cried everyday. She felt that all she did was stand in line and have to wait her turn. She couldn't ask questions like she wanted to and she had to wait for everyone else before moving on to the next thing. When I went in for the parents conference meeting thing the teacher asked me what I had been doing with Aspen. Uh, teaching her, why? Well apparently Aspen was ahead of the class. She knew her numbers well passed 20, could write her whole alphabet and read some words. The class was on the number 15 let's say, and had just begun the word ending "at". She felt Aspen to be bored and discouraged because she already knew what was being taught and wanted to draw instead. Thank you very much! Now what was that about you knowing better how to teach my child, Miss Teacher lady?

At some point Aspen got the flu and had to stay home from school for several days. She remarked to me how she never wanted to go back. So I prayed and asked the Lord if I could keep her home. She has been homeschooled since. Ray loved the part about Aspen being ahead of the class and never again has a had a negative thing to say about homeschooling.

I have a very strong opinion about homeschooling. So many say to me how they could never do it because they don't have the patience, or their kids don't listen or they couldn't stand to be with their kids all day. I don't homeschool because I am patient, or because my children always listen, or because it never gets hard being on call 24/7. I homeschool because I prayed about it. I wanted to know if this was what the Lord wanted for my family. I knew and I know everyday that he will give me the tools and perspective I need to accomplish this. It is not easy, but anything worthy having or learning or experiencing is not easy. When I am done with my journey here in this earth life, I want to be able to look back and see that I got in it and I lived. I don't want to look back see how comfortable I was here on earth, I want to see my blood, sweat and tears surrounded by the joy of working really hard.

If you have had thoughts about homeschooling I would encourage to pray about it. Read about it and be willing to do what the Lord might need you to do for your children. It isn't requisite for everyone. But know that if it is the path the Lord would have you take, he will not leave the path unprepared, and the he will give you the strength necessary to accomplish it.